Page 5 | So many people on Mumsnet seem antisocial

FiddleLeaf · 08/08/2023 17:36

Naturally an online forum is more attractive to introverts. It doesn’t mean we’re anti social though.

Maddy70 · 08/08/2023 17:38

Marblessolveeverything · 08/08/2023 10:37

Or people have finally realised they can and enforce boundaries as opposed to conforming to others ?

When does enforcing boundaries become being rude and anti social though. It's a fine line

bunchofboys · 08/08/2023 17:38

piglet81 · 08/08/2023 10:49

Sociable people are probably out and about engaging with the real world, not sitting at home engaging with the online world…so it’s self-selecting.

I think this is true. I have put on a lot of weight recently and it affects my desire to go out and do sociable things. So i end up scrolling through online crap. Waste of
Life really.

EvenlyDetermined · 08/08/2023 17:41

LadyMuckingabout · 08/08/2023 16:13

People are entitled to their views. But - I don’t like the sneering - making out that anyone who does want to find mum friends, or socialise with work colleagues, is somehow lesser, or even downright sad, whereas they are a higher, more evolved person who only likes true, old friends, and deep conversations, not a bit of social chit-chat. There’s the old “I don’t do small talk” brag: well, perhaps you should and the world would be a nicer place.

Totally agree with this, the sneery “why would I want to be friends with people who I have nothing in common with except children the same age as mine”, well IME its an extremely good way to make friends, I have made lots of longterm friendships from ante-natal class, school gate etc, it turns out we have far more in common than just the DCs, but the DCs are a great conversation starter. It has also helped massively in that we find out about eg sports clubs that our DCs later join, pros and cons of local secondary schools, we can liftshare the DCs, help each other with all sorts of things.

Same with colleagues, you spend a lot of time together, why wouldn’t friendships form. Nothing wrong with it at all. Don’t do it if you don’t want to but don’t sneer at those of of us that do.

pacifictime · 08/08/2023 18:13

I also think the very nature of the fact that people are online as much as they are on mn suggests they aren't as social.

Yellowdaysaregood · 08/08/2023 18:18

Because it's a good way to interact without actually interacting irl, which means there is probably a disproportionate number of introvert/neurodiverse people like me on here, so it's skewed that way.

Fizbosshoes · 08/08/2023 18:19

And woe betide anyone who wants to spend their birthday with others.
If someone said AIBU if I want to spend my birthday on my own, doing things I enjoy, I think most people would say its your birthday, do what you want.
If anyone wants to spend a birthday with friends, or have a party, you get comments saying that birthdays are for kids.

A poster a while ago complained that she had catered for x people at a party and only about 1/4 of the people who said they were going turned up. I get illnesses or unexpected emergencies happen but lots of posters were excusing it saying maybe they were tired, had a long day etc and basically made out she was overreacting to be disappointed that she had catered and paid for a venue expecting lots of friends, and then most of them didn't turn up.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/08/2023 18:23

FourTeaFallOut · 08/08/2023 11:30

You can couch it in empowering language but leaning in to anti-social behaviours, rather than finding strategies to engage sociably with people, isn't necessarily a great strategy when we are living in an epidemic of loneliness and absorbing a cascade of social and health consequences that follow it.

Why, though, if it doesn’t suit me, @FourTeaFallOut?

I am an introvert - I socialise a bit (a weekly knitting group, and occasional family occasions or dinner parties) - but it drains my social battery really quickly, and I need some time on my own, or just with dh, to recharge.

Your post would seem to imply that there is something wrong with being the way I am, and that I should make myself uncomfortable in order to conform with the accepted norm of being sociable.

FourTeaFallOut · 08/08/2023 18:42

Specifically, I'm talking about the narrative of empowerment that offers a glossy way out for those with social anxiety, or those at risk from isolating themselves from friends and family.

"I'm exerting my boundaries" has a nicer ring than, 'I've declined yet another invitation to a wedding and missed yet another shared experience within my family and there will come a time that people won't ask and I'll be forgotten". "I'm exerting my boundaries" also does create space to seek help like, "I'm worried about seeing so many people and saying the wrong thing" which might lead to difficult but practical solutions and advice.

It's a bit different if you are enmeshed in a strong family/ friendship structure as you are and not at risk of slipping through the cracks. But, like I say, we have an epidemic of loneliness and not everyone is helped by championing unsocial behaviour.

FourTeaFallOut · 08/08/2023 18:46

Actually, I've assumed that last bit. Perhaps you are not supported with a social network? I'm sorry if I got that wrong.

milkywinterdisorder · 08/08/2023 18:47

The trouble with the argument that if you don’t socialise you have no-one to help you out is that not everyone likes having transactional friendships. The people I most enjoy socialising with are in no position to be of much practical use to me: my parents live too far away, my university friends are scattered around the country, my closest mum friends ended up sending their kids to different schools so can’t help with school pick ups or inset days (though we do lift share sometimes). At the other end of the spectrum I have one friend who regularly socialises with a family she constantly complains about - but they do have a swimming pool…

I do understand that the more you socialise the better chance you have of finding people you genuinely get on with, but I don’t want to socialise with loads of people just because they might be useful to me, and it’s not fair to assume that people who have no-one they can ask for help in an emergency just haven’t bothered making friends - maybe they have plenty of friends but they’re just not in a position to help out when needed.

WhisperingHi · 08/08/2023 18:51

I suspect we hear the black and white on Mumsnet more than in real life. People want to have an opinion and it's not as entertaining if you say, sometimes xyz etc.

Personally, I love weddings and I always answer the door unless it's dark outside and I'm on my own. But I wouldn't want to go to my husband's work dos, I don't find that particularly fun and it also limits my husband. It also just depends what mood I'm in!

milkywinterdisorder · 08/08/2023 18:56

Also, re: “I don’t do small talk” - I can’t do small talk (I just can’t think of the “right” questions) but I regard that as a failing, not something to be proud of. I watch my Mum converse with literally anyone - apparently effortlessly - and I’m in awe of her. Why would anyone not want to be better at talking to people?

ManchesterLu · 08/08/2023 19:27

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/08/2023 10:39

I spent years doing things I really didn’t want to because it was what society expected. It’s such a relief when you finally realise that you don’t have to. I only do what I really want to now. Doesn’t make me anti-social, just selective.

Exactly this.
Me and DP have a fantastic relationship, because we know that if one of us doesn't want to do something/go somewhere, we don't have to, and the one who does want to go is quite welcome to go. It works perfectly well.

Pamspeople · 08/08/2023 19:53

If you like those sociable things, you're more likely to meet and hang out with people who are sociable and enjoy socialising. So then you're surprised when you discover lots of people who aren't like you. That doesn't mean either is right or wrong or normal or weird. It just means that you don't tend to get to know people who aren't into what you're ibto

I remember when I first got to know someone who really is recharged and invigorated by socialising - ie a proper extrovert - and it blew my mind! I thought everyone found socialising sort of OK but draining!

thecatsthecats · 08/08/2023 19:57

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/08/2023 18:23

Why, though, if it doesn’t suit me, @FourTeaFallOut?

I am an introvert - I socialise a bit (a weekly knitting group, and occasional family occasions or dinner parties) - but it drains my social battery really quickly, and I need some time on my own, or just with dh, to recharge.

Your post would seem to imply that there is something wrong with being the way I am, and that I should make myself uncomfortable in order to conform with the accepted norm of being sociable.

Show quote history

Yes, it can feel a bit like introverts are expected to perform the right amount of sociableness as a public service so that an extrovert doesn't feel lonely - but God forbid the introvert say that they've done enough socializing for them.

It is also quite ironic that people who are OH SO SOCIABLE in the real world are... On this thread. Chatting online. About how sociable they are, unlike all the introverts. Who are on this thread. Chatting online.

Pamspeople · 08/08/2023 19:59

Re "epidemic of loneliness", I don't understand how that relates to people who are happy not doing lots of socialising? Are you assuming that people who turn down invitations to weddings are then going to be lonely? Some of us really enjoy solitude! Solitude doesn't mean loneliness for everyone!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/08/2023 20:09

@FourTeaFallOut - I do have friends and family who understand I’m an introvert, and that I can’t be social all the time. But I’ve never had a very busy social life - looking back, that was partly circumstances (working shifts as a student nurse, none of us having much money to socialise) and partly me - thanks to bullying at school, I am depressed, anxious and have low self esteem, and that makes it harder to socialise.

I know that I don’t socialise much now, partly due to being an introvert and partly due to issues arising from my health - I am overweight and have long covid, so can’t do long trips on my own - and despite always being this way, I still get invited to things and included in plans, if I want to be. I certainly wouldn’t miss an important family event like a wedding.

I do think honesty and openness are key - people who know me know about my mental and physical health problems, and I think this makes it easier for them to understand that I’m not refusing an invitation because I’m being snooty or rude, but for genuine reasons.

But I do also think that covid lockdowns have made me more reclusive than I used to be.

Which is a whole load of waffle - I hope it makes more sense to you than it does to me. Please forgive my fogged brain.

Oblomov23 · 08/08/2023 20:14

Most of mn seems introvert, almost asocial. I'm an sociable extrovert Omnivert, love socialising, love being at home alone. Mn makes you feel odd for being social.

milkywinterdisorder · 08/08/2023 20:22

@Pamspeople I remember when I first got to know someone who really is recharged and invigorated by socialising - ie a proper extrovert - and it blew my mind! I thought everyone found socialising sort of OK but draining!

Yes, same here! You can only assume that it’s the same for extroverts and they just don’t realise that socialising is genuinely mentally taxing for introverts rather than that we just couldn’t be bothered.

FourTeaFallOut · 08/08/2023 20:27

Because being happy to not socialise is so much easier when it's a choice, when you have people around you in 'your own little family', when you are stepping away from a busy world full of people. But if those preconditions aren't met then that might be less appealing.

Solitude doesn't mean loneliness for everyone but it is a defining factor in the socially isolated. This is a life that can be achieved by inches, with the world getting a little smaller and further away, year by year.

I am fairly sociable cats but I have a chronic illness that sits me on my arse and it passes the time while I take my meds.

You don't have to answer to me SDTG, but it sounds like you have a great family around you, sorry covid did a number on you, hope the fog lifts.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/08/2023 20:30

Thank you, @FourTeaFallOut - I enjoyed reading your posts - you made some good points and made me think!

Pamspeople · 08/08/2023 20:33

Some people on their own are lonely, some are happy

Some people with a lot of people around them are lonely, some are happy

Any online forum conversation will make some people feel weird and excluded, and make others feel recognised and reassured

ZebraDanios · 08/08/2023 20:42

I have this constant conflict between being absolutely convinced that life is all about connecting with others and that’s the most meaningful thing we can do, and at the same time being inordinately picky about who I actually like and finding socialising really draining. I try to reconcile this by nurturing the connections I do have, but it’s hard to shake off the conviction that being introverted somehow makes you defective.

(That said, Quiet by Susan Cain is a really good read if you are an introvert - it reminds you that you have value too.)

Trumbone · 08/08/2023 20:49

BarrelOfOtters · 08/08/2023 10:36

Not liking weddings, not going on a partner's work do when other halves are invited, not answering the door...

Most (not all) people I know would go along with social stuff either because they actively like it or because that's kind of how the world works.

Whereas on Mumsnet the balance seems shifted the other way....?

People aren't allowed to not like weddings now? Or being brought along to an event with a bunch of people they don't know?

That's not unusual at all.

The irony of this post being, in the real world (that you're oh-so familiar with, as someone who's not antisocial) people have different preferences.

Or didn't you realise this?