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Original poster

So many people on Mumsnet seem antisocial

174 replies

BarrelOfOtters · 08/08/2023 10:36

Not liking weddings, not going on a partner's work do when other halves are invited, not answering the door...

Most (not all) people I know would go along with social stuff either because they actively like it or because that's kind of how the world works.

Whereas on Mumsnet the balance seems shifted the other way....?

OP posts:
Fizbosshoes · 08/08/2023 13:36

I don't consider myself an extrovert but I do have friends and speak to my work colleagues (I'd consider them friends and we've been to each others weddings, significant birthdays etc) family , neighbours and "school mums".

Hopefully I'm not a CF but sometimes I feel like the concept of mutual favours between friends or family doesn't seem to be a thing on MN. I've asked friends (school mums) to collect my DC from school when I was delayed - or couldn't make it. I can and do repay the favour having their children at different times. Our DC are friends and it works for both parents.

On one thread there were mums that were absolutely adamant they'd never need to ask any favours. I find that a bit quite arrogant - I've had to ask my friends to have my children at very short notice when my parents had medical emergencies ( that's not me being flakey or disorganised) or when all trains from Londin were suspended on our line (no notice given so no options to make alternative plans) but also a bit strange that the concept of favours between friends is so alien. (Not just for pick ups/childcare)

Riapia · 08/08/2023 13:37

I’m antisocial.
I come from a place where everybody’s the same. Lincolnshire. Never get an invitation to turn down.
Life’s much simpler here.
😉😁😁😁

Spectre8 · 08/08/2023 13:42

There is no one way people need to live their life. Whats normal? Your definition? Definition cos thousands of people do it?

Why do people have to then judge and pass comment on it? Who cares really? Some people like going out, some people don't. Doesn't mean one is antisocial because their choice is different.

dreamingbohemian · 08/08/2023 13:42

@Jamtartforme that's all very true, good points.

We found it much easier to meet up with friends with kids when we lived abroad. Kids didn't have as many activities all the time, they went to bed later, lots of child-friendly cafes that weren't expensive.... also lots more free or cheap activities.

DropCloths · 08/08/2023 13:45

I agree, op- so many posts from people outraged to have been invited to a wedding or advocating dealing with friends and family on an entirely legalistic basis, all justified on the basis of boundaries (which is fine, btw- you can set whatever boundaries you like- but a lot of people on MN set their boundaries in a way which reflects an unsociable character).

I think it's the nature of the internet- very sociable people spend only a limited time online, whereas unsociable or introverted people treat being online as socialising.

C8H10N4O2 · 08/08/2023 13:46

Whereas on Mumsnet the balance seems shifted the other way....?

Or more likely, of the several million members of MN the old analogy of "Dog bites man, not news, Man bites dog = news" will hold.

thecatsthecats · 08/08/2023 13:48

My friend bailed on a visit earlier in the year. Her mum had died a few months before, and she was just knackered. She needed a rare child free weekend to bury herself in a duvet, not a 6h round trip to see me. I was sad not to see her, but happy that I could give her what she needed.

I had to bail on another friend, after explaining to her that my cat was incredibly sick and needed round the clock care - it would have been too much for me to go and see her as well. She basically called me a flake and urged me to explain to our other friends in case they thought I was "being lazy" (as cat owners, they were sweet and sympathetic).

Weirdly enough, I'm not super invested in putting myself out to meet up with the latter woman, who made a shit time worse (we later had our lovely cat PTS). Whereas I had a lovely catch up with the first friend when we were BOTH up for it.

Point being - I find that the best people are ones who go with the flow. People who are sociable can be users, who value getting social time out of you more than they value you.

wobblyweasel · 08/08/2023 14:38

I'm very unsociable. I find being in social situations very stressful, I prefer one-to-one interactions. I get overwhelmed when there are too many people talking at the same time, I just want to scream at them all to sod off! I'd love the life of a semi-hermit. Seeing those I only want to see.

MNetcurtains · 08/08/2023 14:40

BCBird · 08/08/2023 10:38

This is not what strikes me. The thing that strikes me is that on nearly every chat it turns nasty,with people arguing with each other😫

Welcome to the internet!😬

Original poster
BarrelOfOtters · 08/08/2023 14:48

I get that there are people who are happier in smaller groups, alone, with a smaller more select support network. That's fine and good. I'm probably one of those people.

I also think things have happened in recent years that mean that people have lost their 'social muscle'.

But Mumsnet seems unusually skewed towards this.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 08/08/2023 15:59

BarrelOfOtters · 08/08/2023 14:48

I get that there are people who are happier in smaller groups, alone, with a smaller more select support network. That's fine and good. I'm probably one of those people.

I also think things have happened in recent years that mean that people have lost their 'social muscle'.

But Mumsnet seems unusually skewed towards this.

Well, to be fair, maybe they've just found out how much better it is to not use that particular social muscle?

I've always taken the attitude that some friends are here for a good time, some for a long time. That won't always perfectly match what the other person feels, but I can't control for that.

It probably does suck for some people, and yes, I've lost touch with some people. To them, I might seem unsociable. But not to the ones I'm still socializing with.

It's an abrupt acceleration of a natural process, sure, but it's not an especially bad one, and if it turns out that people were only socializing with me out of a now-broken habit, then fine.

GenieGenealogy · 08/08/2023 16:12

Totally agree, the hating people, not answering the door, grudging every social interaction is so alien to me.

Ans simultaneously, you get loads of people whingeing that they don't have friends.

Wonder why.

LadyMuckingabout · 08/08/2023 16:13

People are entitled to their views. But - I don’t like the sneering - making out that anyone who does want to find mum friends, or socialise with work colleagues, is somehow lesser, or even downright sad, whereas they are a higher, more evolved person who only likes true, old friends, and deep conversations, not a bit of social chit-chat. There’s the old “I don’t do small talk” brag: well, perhaps you should and the world would be a nicer place.

Bonfire23 · 08/08/2023 16:15

GenieGenealogy · 08/08/2023 16:12

Totally agree, the hating people, not answering the door, grudging every social interaction is so alien to me.

Ans simultaneously, you get loads of people whingeing that they don't have friends.

Wonder why.

I don't hate people but my entire job is 40hrs a week doing thousands of calls and speaking to so many people
After work I'm "I don't want to speak" because I'm tired of talking, my voice is going and I am peopled out for the day. Weekends I just want to be silent Grin

Xrays · 08/08/2023 16:22

I’m very introverted and enjoy my own company. I think by its very nature Mumsnet and other online forums tend to attract that sort of person because I always assume the more social types are out enjoying themselves non stop and not posting on forums as much….!

RampantIvy · 08/08/2023 16:45

LadyMuckingabout · 08/08/2023 16:13

People are entitled to their views. But - I don’t like the sneering - making out that anyone who does want to find mum friends, or socialise with work colleagues, is somehow lesser, or even downright sad, whereas they are a higher, more evolved person who only likes true, old friends, and deep conversations, not a bit of social chit-chat. There’s the old “I don’t do small talk” brag: well, perhaps you should and the world would be a nicer place.

Oh yes. I was about to post the same. It's as if they are morally superior for not wanting to make new friends.

"I don't go to work to make friends" and "I don't want to have anything to do with the mums at school" or "I don't ned any new friends" get posted on here all the time.

And how do you move on to "big talk" with someone you have never met before when first introduced to them with a bit of small talk during the introductions?

Have these people never left their home towns and started off again somewhere where they don't know anyone?

ALongHardWinter · 08/08/2023 16:54

I think you may be confusing antisocial with unsociable!

FuckNuggets · 08/08/2023 17:05

Yes, I'm very unsociable. I'm an introvert, I come from a family of introverts, my husband is an introvert as are my children. Why is extroversion seen as normal and introversion seen as weird and abnormal?

If I go to a social event it takes me at least 2 days to recuperate emotionally and mentally.

FuckNuggets · 08/08/2023 17:07

MrsJBaptiste · 08/08/2023 10:58

Totally agree, OP. I know very few people in RL who barely go out and like snuggling in their pyjamas by 4pm 🙄

For most of my friends, we love an invitation to a wedding or a night out either in the week or at the weekend (and it's not an age thing as my friends and family range between 25-75)

Everyone I know loves being in their PJs as soon as they get home. Why the 🙄?

FannyJoan · 08/08/2023 17:10

@wobblyweasel same. I prefer written communication as I have more time to process it. I'm autistic and a happy (NT) people hater 🤣

Well not hate ..... more like mild hate.

EmeraldDuck · 08/08/2023 17:12

The charming sociable ones have more mates in real life, the lonely ones spend kuch more time on social media… (In which of course - before anyone tells me off - I include myself.)

WhatWouldJeevesDo · 08/08/2023 17:21

BarrelOfOtters · 08/08/2023 14:48

I get that there are people who are happier in smaller groups, alone, with a smaller more select support network. That's fine and good. I'm probably one of those people.

I also think things have happened in recent years that mean that people have lost their 'social muscle'.

But Mumsnet seems unusually skewed towards this.

It doesn’t seem so to me that it is, so the impression I get is that you don’t think people less sociable than you should exist at all.
I mean it’s more common for people on Mumsnet to admit they don’t like socialising than for people to admit it in person, but they are still the minority.

LadyMuckingabout · 08/08/2023 17:21

So, @FuckNuggets , how did you meet your dh? And do you want people to give your dcs the side eye and not bother with them? Or for them to spurn perfectly decent people ?

As @RampantIvy observes, when is it permissible to make friends? At school? Or is that too late?! Do you have to be introduced as foetuses?

FuckNuggets · 08/08/2023 17:33

LadyMuckingabout · 08/08/2023 17:21

So, @FuckNuggets , how did you meet your dh? And do you want people to give your dcs the side eye and not bother with them? Or for them to spurn perfectly decent people ?

As @RampantIvy observes, when is it permissible to make friends? At school? Or is that too late?! Do you have to be introduced as foetuses?

Why the hostility? You seem to have a massive problem with introverts. You do realise even introverts leave the house and socialise occasionally, right?

I met my DH when I was still in Sixth Form. My kids are (well almost) adults, (20 and nearly 17). They both have friends, and they both socialise when it suits them. Youngest dd is off on a 5 day NCS trip next week with 6 of her friends. Eldest was out with her best friends yesterday.

Is that acceptable? Or should I be pushing them out the door and not allowing them home until midnight, just so they can get their acceptable quota of socialising in?

bunchofboys · 08/08/2023 17:36

Its not that. MN gives the nasties a chance to say what they are thinking. They are probably complying with social norms in real life but its easy to tell people that you would tell everyone to fuck off and you wouldn't go to your own sisters wedding because she got a mr slushy when you were 7 and you didn't.