So many people on Mumsnet seem antisocial

[BarrelOfOtters]

Not liking weddings, not going on a partner's work do when other halves are invited, not answering the door...

Most (not all) people I know would go along with social stuff either because they actively like it or because that's kind of how the world works.

Whereas on Mumsnet the balance seems shifted the other way....?

Unsociable, not antisocial.
I personally can’t stand most people 🤷🏼‍♀️

Highly likely that online, virtual forums attract a higher % of people who prefer not to socialise so much in RL.

I don’t come across any of these people in RL because….they aren’t there!

This is me. Its ridiculous and the thing I least like about myself. I'm very outgoing and sociable ill strike up a conversation with anyone but having a word with someone or asserting myself honestly sends me into major panic. Because I come off as so confident it doesn't occur to anyone that I struggle with it so they often think 'well if she didn't say anything she must be OK with it' but I'm not OK and I get upset that people take me for granted all the time.

I think you come across a wider range of people on Mumsnet and you notice attitudes you don’t come across in real life even if they aren’t very common here either.

People are probably more likely to express their true feelings on here as well, although even on here you can get a kicking for not being sociable enough.

Is there a point where “enforcing boundaries” becomes rude and selfish though? I’ve seen it used to justify not showing up to important events, cancelling last minute etc. I think part of life is sometimes showing up to things when you’d rather stay at home, but you do it because it’s important to someone and presumably if you care about that person you wouldn’t want to let them down?

Not saying you have to agree to everything and can never cancel, but I’ve noticed a trend over the past few years where people have become increasingly flakey and “self care” and “boundaries” are being used as an excuse to be rude and let people down.

But you don't KNOW that they're merrily attending every invite, do you?

I attend a fair few things because on balance, it's better to go than not (family get togethers). I have an OK time, but there was definitely something I'd prefer to be doing.

Other times the type of get together is the issue. I hate baby showers and christenings - I don't attend these any more. Hen dos depends on the friend group. Wedding depends on the group going.

You'll see people being honest about these things online when on real life you just get slapped on grins and making the best of it. And that won't be the same for every event.

I've been to two weddings this year - one a delight, the other one a chore.

You can couch it in empowering language but leaning in to anti-social behaviours, rather than finding strategies to engage sociably with people, isn't necessarily a great strategy when we are living in an epidemic of loneliness and absorbing a cascade of social and health consequences that follow it.

I can certainly see where you are coming from.

I wouldn't cancel something I have agreed to go to without a good reason (ie was ill etc) , would rather say no at the outset, if it was something I didn't want to go to.

What I do notice though is even though I give a polite response, some people try to get you to change your mind rather than accept your response.

I also think covid has highlighted that it's ok to stay home. And for these of us who would rather stay home than go out, it showed that that it was ok to do so.

I think people often feel guilty about saying no (something I do struggle with) and would rather people please than put themselves first. I've stopped doing that - even though my natural response is to say yes to keep the other person happy. I'm never rude about it, and I go to functions I want to. But the ones where I don't want to but feel I should just because? I have learned to say "no".

Well said. Extroverts do tend to think everyone should be like them and then the world would be a better place.
Not answering the door must have seemed so weird to so many people that it is constantly repeated with incredulity, but I don’t think I’ve ever come across anyone on MN actually saying they never answer their door to strangers. I may have forgotten though because it doesn’t seem particularly outrageous to me.

Yeah I have a friend who is single and lives with her parents (I’m only mentioning this as I think it’s relevant) and cannot accept no for an answer, seems to have no concept that people, especially those with their own homes and families do not have unlimited time and money to socialise. I work full time, have a wife, pets, a house to clean and bills to pay and she just does not seem to understand this and piles on the pressure.

It’s very frustrating and I have just learnt to say no, give my reason and refuse to discuss any further. If I say yes though I always do my absolute best to attend.

I'm quire anti social I need to force myself out but half the time I'd rather poke my eyes out than go out to a dh work thing ! I answer the door though 😀. I think with Forums it's anon and posters are just venting,

Saying no is great so liberating,

Yes. Unsociable - I don't want to come to your party. Anti-social - I'll come and take a dump in the middle of your party.

@FourTeaFallOut
‘You can couch it in empowering language but leaning in to anti-social behaviours, rather than finding strategies to engage sociably with people, isn't necessarily a great strategy when we are living in an epidemic of loneliness and absorbing a cascade of social and health consequences that follow it.’

But not everyone feels like they’re ‘leaning in to unsociable behaviours’. Some people are just living how they want to, ie spending the weekend alone etc. Personally, a weekend alone in my own home with the company of Radio 4 and 6Music is utter bliss.

Why should people ‘find strategies to engage sociably with people’? Not everyone spending the weekend alone (or whatever length of time alone) is lonely. Some of them just want a bit of peace and quiet.

I am antisocial, to be fair, but I don’t think it follows that I’m selfish. If I avoid a social situation where I wouldn’t actually be missed that much, I can’t see why that’s such a bad thing. If I’d arranged to meet one-on-one then I wouldn’t cancel, but with bigger gatherings, it’s not like anyone’s enjoyment of the event hinges on my scintillating company, so I wouldn’t feel bad about not going.

Yes, unsociable not antisocial.

But my point still stands, there's a reason all societies have gatherings, celebrations etc... for many people it's a big part of their lives.

But not so much on here. I think it skews advice at times.

Because if you are commando diving behind the couch and declining all invitations that knit you within a wider social fabric, then you are more vulnerable to becoming the kind of person who is incredibly socially isolated. It's a bit beyond enjoying a quite weekend.

It really can be!

Was invited out last year(annual thing) felt I should go. But was really struggling at the time. The relief I felt when I said no was immense. Knew at that point it was really the best decision for me.

That sounds like it was a relief @tigger1001 . I mean there is a balance I guess but having a choice of yes or no takes a weight off.

I think this is fair enough. I hate when people go to weddings or events then come on here criticising the food / bride etc. It's OK to politely decline, and going reluctantly doesn't do anybody any favours only costs someone else money. It's different with family though unless there has been a major falling out I think there are certain obligations. I've seen people saying things like my parents really want me to go to an anniversary party but i don't like taking the train / dressing up etc and posters tell them to suit themselves and not be pressurised. As if your parents didn't f*ing raise you and do night feeds and pay for your education and spend god knows how many hours driving you around the place. I find it incredibly selfish in those circumstances.

I totally understand how people (particularly women!) get to a certain age and decide they’re just not going to do something they’re not interested in.

What I do not understand is why that thing is socialising. My work events, my partners work events, meeting up with my kids friends parents, family parties, hens parties where I don’t know everyone, chatting to neighbours, catching up with new acquaintances for a cup of coffee… I’ll happily do it all. And guess what? In an emergency I have friends to look after my child for a couple of hours, friends I can talk to for advice, friends who I confide in, friends I can have fun with… all reciprocal of course. Then I come on here and read all the posts from depressed, stressed out parents who have absolutely no support system.

I struggled with social anxiety enormously as a teenager/young adult but was lucky enough to to be able to seek help to overcome it. I am convinced this is actually very common and instead of treating social anxiety like the problem it is we are excusing it as a personality trait.

There’s being introverted, which many people are (including me) but who still love weddings and other celebrations.
Then there seems to be a big group of people on mn who hate weddings, thinks hen parties, baby showers etc are ‘tacky and grabby’ & whilst its fine to not enjoy them or look forward to going (we are all different after all) the sneering and snobby attitude towards people that do enjoy them is not fine. It’s a wonder they have friends that invite them in the first place.

Recent threads of weirdness/nastiness include the one about kids going food shopping with the mum/dad and the one about kids screeching in the pool on holiday.
They start off fairly normal, then you get the ‘frothing at the mouth’ brigade. I saw a comment on the holiday one where a poster said something about ‘the little brats’ and another poster said something about tripping kids up on purpose & how their elderly mum puts her walking stick out. I stopped reading after that.

Since when is it ok to incite violence upon little children. Do you read the news? It’s not remotely funny.

That is a really interesting point, @Pacificisolated - how do we decide when something needs to be “fixed” and when something is a part of someone’s personality?