Haven't bathed /shower in weeks

[Ted10]

So what it says really I have not bathed or showered in weeks . I have washed as the basin. I had not washed my hair in weeks until about 5 days ago and I just washed it over the side of the bath . The back of my hair was matted . But I kind of covered it with long hair.

This is all linked to a DV situation towards me From a family member. We are getting help now. But I have not been able to leave my kids alone so that I can get a bath/shower. Even when the kids were at school I still didn't. Because I felt like o was permanently on egg shells.

It's been similar with cooking it was either throw in the oven stuff or take aways. Because I could not spend time on the kitchen.

As I said there's some support put in place for that person now. But I'm finding it hard to get out of the mindset that I can't do the simple things.

If anyone recognises my situation. I'm not going into it all . And I won't respond to any judgement or nastiness. I'm not in the right mindset to be dealing with that just now.

I just Need to let things go so that I can do these normal things and stop bring such a scum bag

I do need to sort out the food situation though really badly . I just had to throw out 6 trays of meat . Which is disgusting and I should not have allowed that. I think I need to try and do some sort of meal planning and do extra cooking when it's possible so that I can freeze it and it just needs reheating . Hard to know what to do though without someone moaning though 😔

I basically have to make sure I'm with the younger kids. that we are in the same room and they are never left alone. If they are in other parts of the house I have to call them down so we are in the same room.

Advice from professionals is call the police. Last and only time I done that they took 6hrs to turn up. 🤷‍♀️

I am so very sorry for whatever it is that you’ve been through x

I have bipolar which is very stable now but when I'm in the grip of depression and anxiety my appetite goes completely
You are admirably cooking for DC but I wondered about you
I keep nutritious cereal bars( I like Kind bars) yogurt, fruit( grapes usually and plain biscuits. I don't have energy to think about a sandwich and you might feel you don't have time, so I can just reach for something bland.
Still thinking of you OP

Thank you. We are all eating one way or another. It's just not that healthy . Take aways. Or processed crap put in the oven.

Are there times when he is not in the house OP, perhaps when the younger kids are normally at school. Appreciate its holidays now through.

Your clearing out the fridge.. this is good. Meal planning is a good idea. Keep it simple and staple:
Sausage mash and peas
Spaghetti bolognaise
Fish fingers chips and carrots
Jackets potatoes and beans
Beans on toast
Scrambled eggs and omelettes
Vegi stir fry

Easy stuff that you can either batch cook on a good day and freeze or make quickly
On the pan or microwave. Then allow your self one or two take aways per week.

Please do consider contact Women’s Aid OP. As someone else said they will have experiencing of helping people subjected to all kinds of domestic abuse and domestic violence.

They can be there for you to help you develop coping strategies and work towards whatever you need.

I have worked with hundreds of women and though there are so many shared experiences and stories that can sound so familiar, ultimately no two lives and dynamics are the same. You can receive tailored support and safety planning that reflects your actual circumstances.

best of luck to you OP.

At the moment eating anything will do love, even if it's processed crap or take outs - don't put more pressure on yourself than is necessary; although if it would help YOU feel better to give the kids something more nutritious, maybe make all meals a "help yourself" arrangement so you're not catering to all tastes/risking moaning; you decide on the main bit that everyone/most will eat, so pasta or rice or potatoes or whatever, and then all the rest of it is separate, so they (or you if they're small) can add what veg they like, or what meat, or what sauce. Just put it all on the table and let them choose what they want - they'll all get fed and full, and that'll do for now.

Yes that's exactly what I Need to do. I might even try write down what's for dinner each day. I seem to mess it up really easily. I find it really hard to meal plan but i don't know why. But logically it will probably help.

I have been a bit of a prick to be honest. The person was not here yesterday. But I was getting myself into a state about them returning if I get in the shower/bath and then things kicking of.

Then today I have been flitting between sorting myself out . Stopping the what if mind set. Then I do exactly that.

He told me he would be back around 2pm but has not. So I'm kind of waiting now. Also I'm baby sitting in a short whilst.

So I have wasted loads of time over thinking.

You are getting some great advice on here OP. Go at your own pace , small steps and all that. You can download meal plans from the internet nowadays, which might make things easier, but will give you something to focus on. Not sure how old your kids are, but is this something they could help you with? Ie writing a shopping list etc. Keeps them occupied. Not the same situation as yours , but i had PND after first born and really struggled. Everyday, i wrote down one thing that i wanted to achieve. Nothing major, just like washing up etc. It really helped me. Wishing you lots of luck OP. You have plenty of suport here x

I genuinely wouldn't worry about this for now OP, frozen food won't hurt for a little while if that's what you need to do to feel safe. It's baby steps at this stage I think, you can't just make yourself trust this new strategy will work, that trust will have to be built step by step as you actually see it working so make things as easy on yourself for now as you possibly can.

It's so clear to me how hard you're trying but I'm not sure putting yourself under any extra pressure right now is the best idea. Easy food and tiny steps forward with building confidence in whatever support has been arranged seems much more realistic to me. I know it doesn't mean much but please know I'm thinking about you and hoping things improve for you

Hes home. Less than a min before there was an issue. He's staying out again tonight 3rd night in a row. Not happy to be honest.

If he's out for the night OP then you have time to breath. Do you have a chain inside the doors, so that when he says he's out you can have a 5 mins shower with peace of mind that if he did come back you have a minute.

Otherwise you have too trust that he is out for the night as he says. Your priority now is to take a little time for yourself, and preparing for looking after the younger ones for the rest of the week.

Do an online shop for some of the meals and have it delivered for example.

Have a shower.

Do bedtime routine with the youngest.

Are you not happy about him staying out for his own safety or something else?

Try for that shower tonight. You know he's out, you know he's not coming back, at least tonight. You know your other kids are safe. So try it, even if you don't get through with it, get in there, turn the water on,start undressing,get in, start washing. Have a swimsuit on if you don't think you can cope with fully naked/vulnerable. Or just keep your clothes/underwear on. Tiny, little baby steps and see how far you can go. The only goal is the next step and what's achievable. If that is just being in the bathroom with the water on for now,it doesn't matter. That's further ahead than you were yesterday.

Can you get locks for the internal doors?

No that's not safe.

op when he goes out and says he's staying out is that usually true or has he ever come back randomly?

Because if it's the former then you can actually trust in his pattern of behaviour - if he says he's staying out then he is.

Probably will be out I would have thought. And yes as much as its hard work etc. He is vulnerable himself. In a nut shell I can't stop him going as he would go regardless of what I say. I don't think he's not safe as in danger. But its not a good place to be.

Also, if you can afford it can you buy a ring door bell/baby monitor so at least you know you'll have warning if he randomly comes back or with the baby monitor you can watch what's going on. This should also give you some reassurance.

Yes I understand. He is vulnerable but at some point he will have to work through some of this himself and the support he is getting. There is literally only so much you can do and you have the younger ones and yourself to care for and protect.

Try not to worry about him for tonight. Use the next hour or so to replenish and get an early night.

There won't be an early night 😅

But yes your 100% right. I think I have been doing to many what if as well. And winding myself up . Which is stupid . I could have been doing stuff.

I have managed to get a bath . And wash my hair. I also slapped dashed the bathroom whilst bath was running .

I'm going to do any on line food shop in a min. Going to try make it easy cook stuff

OP that's brilliant! You are ending today as a good day. Be proud of yourself!

Don't beat yourself up about overthinking. It is part of the process. From my own experience of similar thinking, perhaps try to let it happen, but let it happen in the background of your mind, IYSWIM.

I wasn't in your circumstances though, so this advice might not apply

Yeah. I think I just need to be awear that something could happen. But not let it dictate me. Otherwise I'm just going to be stuck in the same place. And when there is a bit of breathing space I should be lapping it up rather than winding myself up .

I'm getting my oldest to help me with a shop. I keep messing it up