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Original poster

Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

522 replies

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:00

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

OP posts:
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 28/07/2023 16:21
  • time for your dp to be a grown up. Sorry, I'm very tired.
Twilight7777 · 28/07/2023 16:31

I would ban from sleep overs too, purely because it’s not a sleep over if she’s awake every 2 hours. It is also not your problem to solve, they need to go to get more help from the GP

Theunamedcat · 28/07/2023 16:37

Why do you say he cant take her to the Dr's without mum's consent? If he is her father he can take her to the Dr's get the ball rolling

Make it hard for them and they might just take action and actually do something about this I get what everyone is saying about mum needing a break but this cycle clearly won't stop itself something needs to happen

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JusthereforXmas · 28/07/2023 16:37

wandawaves · 28/07/2023 12:16

I think YABU to "ban sleepovers". Even to call it "a sleepover"... should she not be feeling like it's her home too? I think it's awful of you to essentially kick her out of one of her family homes.

But, you are absolutely not being unreasonable to say that the sleep is a huge issue and needs to be fixed. She absolutely should go to the doctor and a sleep specialist. Poor girl, she must be exhausted. It's also not unreasonable for you to put in rules about what she does when she wakes, she shouldn't be waking the whole house.

It is NOT her family home... its OPs home.

OP was nice enough to let her boyfriends kid stay 2 nights a week every other week that in no way makes this kid her responsibility or mean she is giving up her home to these people.

The kids actual family have already kicked her out, that doesn't make it OP's responsibility.

slore · 28/07/2023 16:39

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 13:05

She’s a very smart girl for her age, her teachers have her at the level of year 6 students. She is very hyper in every situation and with every person in her life, she finds it difficult to sit still for long but when she does she will zone out and be difficult to communicate with. She’s always happy and smiling, just very exhausting to spend time with - I know this is extremely awful to say, but it feels like I’ve run a nursery on my own all day with 20+ toddlers. I never knew she was like this until the first sleepover, I initially thought the grandparents comments came from them being older and more tired, but now I can see. Her mum doesn’t care and lets her do what she likes through the night, it’s us that encourage her to go back to sleep which isn’t something she’s used to being told. If dp tries to get her help without her mums consent it will cause a shtstorm as she disagrees with it. Maybe in denial? She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’. Yet she’s happy for her child to be in my home and in my care.

This is 1000000% ADHD, I have severe ADHD and I have serious sleep problems even as an adult.

People with ADHD tend to have brains that are extremely sensitive to light, which affects the circadian rhythm. Many people with ADHD are nocturnal. This is still as bad for our physical health as it is for other people.

You can buy blue light filtering glasses for her to wear for 2-3 hours before bed time, and tell her to always wear them if she wakes up at night. A GP can also prescribe slow-release melatonin which may help keep her asleep, and normalise her circadian rhythm.

With ADHD, the apparent "hyperactivity" actually comes from the brain not having enough stimulation to control itself, sustain concentration, or allow her to control higher-level behaviours (obviously this is simplified and laymen's terms). This is why people with ADHD are prescribed stimulants to help with hyperactivity. If she is tired - and she will be in a permanent state of sleep deprivation due to her problems - she will be even more hyperactive and less able to control herself.

As an adult, when I'm extremely tired I run and jump up and down and also end up stimming more.

I would say you are being unreasonable. ADHD and sleep problems are health problems like any other, and presumably you wouldn't ostracize your stepdaughter if she had a physical disability that required your attention. Remember, this isn't her fault and she can't control it.

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 16:46

slore · 28/07/2023 16:39

This is 1000000% ADHD, I have severe ADHD and I have serious sleep problems even as an adult.

People with ADHD tend to have brains that are extremely sensitive to light, which affects the circadian rhythm. Many people with ADHD are nocturnal. This is still as bad for our physical health as it is for other people.

You can buy blue light filtering glasses for her to wear for 2-3 hours before bed time, and tell her to always wear them if she wakes up at night. A GP can also prescribe slow-release melatonin which may help keep her asleep, and normalise her circadian rhythm.

With ADHD, the apparent "hyperactivity" actually comes from the brain not having enough stimulation to control itself, sustain concentration, or allow her to control higher-level behaviours (obviously this is simplified and laymen's terms). This is why people with ADHD are prescribed stimulants to help with hyperactivity. If she is tired - and she will be in a permanent state of sleep deprivation due to her problems - she will be even more hyperactive and less able to control herself.

As an adult, when I'm extremely tired I run and jump up and down and also end up stimming more.

I would say you are being unreasonable. ADHD and sleep problems are health problems like any other, and presumably you wouldn't ostracize your stepdaughter if she had a physical disability that required your attention. Remember, this isn't her fault and she can't control it.

Show quote history

Are you on meds? In the process of changing to a non stimulant for my son and would love your insight

Randomnamehere · 28/07/2023 16:48

slore · 28/07/2023 16:39

This is 1000000% ADHD, I have severe ADHD and I have serious sleep problems even as an adult.

People with ADHD tend to have brains that are extremely sensitive to light, which affects the circadian rhythm. Many people with ADHD are nocturnal. This is still as bad for our physical health as it is for other people.

You can buy blue light filtering glasses for her to wear for 2-3 hours before bed time, and tell her to always wear them if she wakes up at night. A GP can also prescribe slow-release melatonin which may help keep her asleep, and normalise her circadian rhythm.

With ADHD, the apparent "hyperactivity" actually comes from the brain not having enough stimulation to control itself, sustain concentration, or allow her to control higher-level behaviours (obviously this is simplified and laymen's terms). This is why people with ADHD are prescribed stimulants to help with hyperactivity. If she is tired - and she will be in a permanent state of sleep deprivation due to her problems - she will be even more hyperactive and less able to control herself.

As an adult, when I'm extremely tired I run and jump up and down and also end up stimming more.

I would say you are being unreasonable. ADHD and sleep problems are health problems like any other, and presumably you wouldn't ostracize your stepdaughter if she had a physical disability that required your attention. Remember, this isn't her fault and she can't control it.

Show quote history

Agree with every word of @slore's post. I have ADHD and was just like your DSD when I was her age and undiagnosed.

Your dp has to take her to the GP about this, I think if he wants to be a good father anyway.

Sarfar45 · 28/07/2023 16:49

Block your partners ex. This is his issue to sort out with his ex not yours it's not acceptable that she sends you a load of abuse. They need to both work together I feel very sorry for your step daughter.
They both need to step up and parent her and get her help if she needs it.
Don't get involved at all unless things change.

CornishAdventures · 28/07/2023 16:50

It is your house, not your DP and yours jointly. If you don’t want her staying that’s your choice. Your DP needs to sort out more suitable accommodation for himself if he wants his daughter overnight.

CerberusWoof · 28/07/2023 16:59

It certainly sounds like ADHD, and it's going to be difficult to address against the opposition of the child's mothers, who sounds a bit unhinged.

Depending upon how "eventually" you plan to buy a place together, and whether you're up for an obviously temporary solution: Could she stay in your house with your partner, while you sleep at his house?

I'm assuming you have the alternate weekends and other times together without her.

NoraBattysCurlers · 28/07/2023 17:06

It's absolutely okay not to have the child of the guy you date stay over.

However, it is absolutely not okay to not have your stepdaughter sleep over.

BadNomad · 28/07/2023 17:11

Block the mother. Why does she even have your contact details? There is no need. Your DP being scared of his ex is not an excuse for neglecting his child. He knows something is wrong, he has the moral responsibility to get her help. How can you stand to be with someone who is blatantly allowing his child to suffer?

longtimelistnerfirsttimecaller · 28/07/2023 17:11

I used to do this when I was a kid. It was always worse at my Dad and step mum’s house - I used to feel scared and also like I couldn’t go into their room to get my Dad when I needed him. I used to dread every night.
Does she sleep better if her Dad stays in her room with her? I appreciate this might not be much fun for you to have you partner not in your bed, but I know it would’ve helped me as a kid of their age.
Good luck with it, step parenting is tough at the best of times, let alone with no sleep.

Phineyj · 28/07/2023 17:19

There is an odd situation with melatonin in this country (it's available over the counter elsewhere).

It has to be prescribed by a 2nd tier doc so paediatrician, psychiatrist etc, not a GP (GP can continue the prescription once issued, however).

Littlefish · 28/07/2023 17:19

I couldn't see the answer to this in a previous message, but does your partner have parental responsibility?

If so, he should absolutely be taking her to the GP AND getting a meeting organised with the school for the first week in September.

This is not normal behaviour.

Her mother's refusal to address this atypical behaviour is neglectful and damaging.

Her father needs to step up.

Phineyj · 28/07/2023 17:20

I agree Dad sleeping in with DD may well help. We have to do that a lot and take turns on holiday or when staying in other people's houses.

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 17:21

God this poor girl must be so unsettled, insecure and tired. What a start in life

anyolddinosaur · 28/07/2023 17:23

Poor child needs help and that does mean getting her assessed for medical issues. I'd pay for a child psychologist to assess her, the alternative would be to walk away and leave them to it.

tootallfortheshelf · 28/07/2023 17:33

anyolddinosaur · 28/07/2023 17:23

Poor child needs help and that does mean getting her assessed for medical issues. I'd pay for a child psychologist to assess her, the alternative would be to walk away and leave them to it.

the girls mother would probably threaten to throw acid over OP's face if she did that

muckerfish · 28/07/2023 17:46

Hibiscrubbed · 28/07/2023 14:26

For the hard of thinking:

•It’s the OP’s house. The P does not live there.

•The partner has a house share of his own. The mother won’t allow him to have his child there.

•The P won’t take the child to a doctor. The mother won’t allow it.

•The P won’t discipline or tackle the problem when it’s happening.

•The mother won’t hear of anything regarding neurodivergence.

•The P’s parents have also said the girl cannot stay, she’s too disruptive.

•The mother and her family is abusing the OP for not wanting her troubled daughter to stay any more, as she disturbs everyone. This is despite the OP not living with the father, and the father having his own place, that the mother won’t allow the daughter to stay at.

That help anyone out?!

again, for those in the back.

Thank you. Reading comprehension is so poor here. OP, by putting your foot down and not allowing her to sleep over, you will force the parents to act. That girl needs help.

JudyEdithPerry · 28/07/2023 17:50

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Daleksatemyshed · 28/07/2023 17:51

I'm not trying to be unkind Op but you seem to be over involved here, these are your DP's problems to solve and he's not making much effort. I presume he's afraid to go against his ex incase she stops contact so he won't take his DD to a doctor, he stays with you because he has no suitable home for his DC and even his DPs have had enough. If you let him move in you'll get more grief from his ex as well as no sleep. I'd think very carefully about the situation you're getting into Op, there's a lot of possible problems ahead

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 18:00

NoraBattysCurlers · 28/07/2023 17:06

It's absolutely okay not to have the child of the guy you date stay over.

However, it is absolutely not okay to not have your stepdaughter sleep over.

Huh? The girl isn't her Stepdaughter.

Peachy2005 · 28/07/2023 18:03

Run OP. You are enabling them both in continuing to be crap parents in terms of not getting the child the help she needs. Do not buy a house with this guy!

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/07/2023 18:12

Easy to berate the Dad here but what exactly do people expect him to do?

  • take her to the GP against the mothers wishes - this assumes he has the child during GP hours for a start, if he only has her a weekday evening and weekends, this is unlikely.
  • If he does take her - mother loses her shit and stops allowing contact, then what?
  • He should take her back to bed - but if asking and telling don't work he's meant to what, drag her back to bed. How long before child tells mother and mother stops access?

The kids mum holds all the cards here and until she entertains the idea her child needs actual medical help, I don't see how anything can change.

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