Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

[Jeffersdya]

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

Tell everyone who is abusing you that you are happy to have her at your house once she has been to a sleep clinic and followed their advice. If they don't want to do that, they are neglecting her health and it is all down to them.

If he doesn't have PR, he can get PR. If she stops him having contact, he can take her to court. He can talk to a doctor on the phone about his daughter. He can talk to her school. He can talk to Social Services and tell them he has concerns. The ex doesn't hold all the cards. He is just being passive because it's easier.

I would certainly never facilitate a man to have contact with his child at my house- yes, I own, multiple homes on my own before I met DH. That's where OP went wrong and the best way to sort your mistake is to end the relationship with the dad ASAP.

Maybe he will find a place and sort her out with time; maybe he will sort the child quicker and maybe come back to you in future once sorted. He certainly knows he cannot have a meaningful relationship with most women until this is sorted. But you have no way of knowing this before ending the relationship. So, what happens to you, is entirely on you.

If it meant DP sorted his bedsit out first before entering into the relationship with me and therefore DP has reduced finances for 'our purported future', so be it. Why putting hopes to buy together in future ahead of your well-being and boundaries? There is no future anyway without having this sorted, which at the moment it doesn't look like it will be sorted. That's where you go wrong.

When I met my DH and he very well explained he inherited a stepdaughter (not his child) who was babied by her later mother abnormally- a 25 yo who has never held a job but expects a made in Chelsea lifestyle (apparently her and her mum were fan but both never worked) and Disney Themed parties if not trips and designer bags for her birthday ( I am swimming in designer bags bought by my own sweat over the years and lived-in Chelsea funnily enough, so I know about hardworking to live there); I made a mental NOTE to not facilitate wishful thinkings so that DH can see with his own eyes that he cannot financially afford to be responsible for an adult who never lived with him, and at the detriment of his own health. I created boundaries from DH (DH can be a pushover and he says she is manipulative- well, she had tone to survive without any responsibility) at the risk of being called a gold digger, parasite etc etc- DH never called me that but sometimes whinged when I wouldn't pay for groceries of a £100 when I know if I did, he would be enabled to continue bankrolling her. I was even embarrassed to do it as I don't care about money nor do I need anyone else's money but I was no way going to facilitate an adult child to the detriment of my health. I am glad I kept my boundaries strong and DH is slowly getting there- was he can feel a financial strain. He had to feel it first!)

I'd get rid of him or he gets his own place where she can stay.

It feels like he's using you and your house for her visits.

And, if the mum is that awful it will only get worse.

Sounds like adhd. I have an autistic adhd child just like this. I've not slept the full night in over 7 years. I'm trying to address it but there is no help for my family. My partner left he couldn't cope with all of it. He isn't child's dad but was essentially his dad since age 1. I'm so so angry. Not because he left but because he talked me into another baby before he did. If he wasn't my own child im not sure I could keep doing it it's torture years of sleep deprivation. I think if you are committed to a partner you take on the child but in your situation your partner is not parenting and absolutely you are not unreasonable to end sleepovers. I can imagine why kids mum is kicking off- the kids dad now effectively won't be giving her any nights off. You are dreading the weekend but that's her life!

I'd tell him to be a parent and look into nurodivesity. He can book a cheep hotel occasionally or something, if he's only in a house share surely he can afford this if he's working. If you really care about him maybe let him use your house when you are in holiday.

Exactly this! Presuming the mum has to cope with it most of the time?
DP clearly needs his own home

OP if you buy a house with man, you'll have to put up with this for the rest of your life.

Yet the Mum refuses to seek medical advice.

Haha that’s if it’s his house…. But it isn’t so he can move out and deal with his daughter if refuses to get her help.

I think he's being worse than passive. he's being abusive. It's just classic Darvo.

He's denying his daughter has a problem that needs to be solved, Attacking the OP for suggesting is should be addressed, Reversing Victim and Offender - he's right in there with the ex saying she's awful. And now she is doubting she has a right to sleep and set basic boundaries in her own home.

I would be fine with her reading quietly in bed but not running around the house. That's not on.

I would run her a bath with lavender bath foam or something, feed her a hot milky drink, settle her down into bed and advise her to read if she struggles to sleep. Even if she wakes, she may be more rested than exciting herself by running around.

Unfortunately not, I have mild epilepsy and don't want to take the meds for that, so they won't let me have ADHD medication. The only non stimulant I've heard of is atomoxetine (Strattera) for inattentive ADHD. Apparently it takes a few weeks to work

@Weflewinstyle there's a long running thread on here (I think it's in SEN) from parents of DC taking various ADHD meds that you might find useful.

This book is also available:

www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Guide-ADHD-Medicines/dp/1787755681/ref=asc_df_1787755681/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=499352049769&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2064143646287389925&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9044976&hvtargid=pla-1262896324204&psc=1&th=1&psc=1

@CuttedUpAvocadoPear the report I mentioned earlier from Addiss (one of the ADHD charities) is full of sensible advice like that but when you have a child with proper sleep difficulties none of that makes much difference sadly.

As my daughter got older she was able to describe how her brain keeps her awake.

Kick OP out of her house? Wow. Entitled aren't you. Why can't he find himself a house instead of cocklodging at OPs?

Not his house. She was just trying to help when the grandparents refused to look after the child for the father.

Maybe he should rent his own place and look after his own child himself?

If I was your partner, I would either kick you out. This afternoon.

Loving the lack of reading comprehension combined with internalised misogyny (of course OP is living in his manly house).

Nice way to misquote

or I’d leave

ie assuming the op is the owner

I’m not sure why people are blaming the op or accusing her of ‘booting’ the child out.
The op isn’t related to this child and her own parents can’t or mos likely won’t take responsibility for her sleep issues so why does it then become op issue?

it is not a blended family, the partner doesn’t live there, he doesn’t contribute to op home he’s just using her like he did his parents to avoid the issue at hand. These parents are failing their child. Yes the mother might be tired I know I am after a few difficult nights with my son when he’s not for sleeping. However he has 2 diagnosis a sleep plan meds etc to support him and us with bedtimes. Because we know how important sleep is for his development, mood etc and I quite like my sleep too. We love him and want the best for him.

The parents are not doing their job in looking out for the best interests of this child and it’s now about them. Therefore it’s not the op issue. If she could see parents working hard to help the child she could perhaps support that but I don’t think anyone can lay anything at her door, she offered and tried and now saying enough is enough, this would just go on forever if op facilitates it. so get to with all the op bashing, and lay this at the door of probably tired but also hopeless parents who don’t want to get the help they need, I get it’s tough but I think leaving this child running about at night etc is worse. This is about the child, not op. If it pushes her father into getting proper accommodation and actually effectively parenting (I.e getting help for her) that’s the best outcome here

Agreed.

If the OP has children herself, surely they are being impacted in THEIR home.

He needs to house and parent HIS child away from the OP, her children and HER home.

Not her job to house him and his child.

I agree. The child's Father has to help out with night time care. The mother can't live her entire life with no sleep.

I can not understand why the parents are not seeking help.

I have ND children. There are medications she can take. No one should be left like this. I wonder how her DM copes!

The DM sounds like a nutter. The poor child sounds very neuro diverse though, autistic kids can be super bright and survive on little sleep! DP is going to have to stand up to his ex, the child needs help. Perhaps when you ban sleep overs until help us sought she will get so desperate that she will agree to seek some help. Autism is a diagnosis, it's not a label, what a silly thing to think. This woman's child will end up labelled as offer things, such as odd, naughty, disruptive. The DM is making a mistake.... If they are saying she has no SEN and letting it carry on then you can assume she's naughty and refuse her without being unreasonable in the slightest!

I hope that this forces their hand and makes them take proper care of their child. It's NOT normal to be waking every two hours, she is obviously having a problem that needs to have some medical intervention.

Surely this decision is up to her dad as much as it is you? How would you like your child to be banned from sleeping at yours, just because she has sleep issues?? Great way to make her feel unwanted.

Chances are a doctor wouldn’t do anything anyway, and will just say she will grow out of it.

You said she does this at her mother’s house too, what would happen if her mum kicked her out too?!

Be a grown up, not a child!