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Original poster

Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

522 replies

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:00

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 28/07/2023 14:42

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 14:40

We all think she should have neither. Have you read the thread?

You might be saying that, but most are just saying the parents should bring her to the gp. Then the mother won’t, the father cannot. So what should be done? The daughter should be booted out of OP home, and cannot stay with her father?

The father needs to deal with it. It’s his problem. He needs to tackle it and either find a home where the mother will allow the daughter to stay, or talk with the mother and convince her to let him take his daughter to his house share, or stop having her overnight, or take his daughter to the doctor.

None of the shitshow is the OP’s problem to fix.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 28/07/2023 14:44

I would be furious with her Dad/op's DP for not taking steps to help his DD and improve the situation. Why the hell has he not sought help for his daughter?

LardoBurrows · 28/07/2023 14:45

If I was you Op, after getting the message from your DP's ex threatening to "re-arrange your jaw" I would be ending this relationship pronto. If the mother is like this now, it's not going to get any better. And frankly it would make me question my partner's judgement on ever getting involved with someone who behaves like that, never mind on how he is failing to get his daughter any help. The mother sounds like something that used to be seen on the Jeremy Kyle show. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near that shitshow.

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wutheringkites · 28/07/2023 14:45

Why does he need permission to take her to the GP?

I'm no expert on this but I thought that if he's named as the father on the Birth Cert and hasn't given up parental rights/ had them taken away by a court then he can do the same as any other parent. Is that not the case?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 28/07/2023 14:46

Obviously you can do WTF you want in your own home. Assuming DP has his own place then you don't need to be involved. Your DP is this child's father so him spending time looking after and bringing up his child is not a 'sleepover'?!!! It's on him to honour his commitments in his own home. The little girls family are also not her "ex family". He will be tied for life in some ways so get your head round it or tell him to man up and assess the reason for not sleeping. She could be on edge, not feeling secure or safe. Start there.

AccountantMum · 28/07/2023 14:51

Your not unreasonable to not want to be woken up every 2 hours throughout the night.

However the father should have responsibility of his daughter just as her mother does - and if he has similar concerns to you about her behaviour at night and the mother isn't doing anything then he may want to push to have her for more nights and not less. I guess your partner (and yourself) making comments on her behaviour if the mother has her most of the time may not be taken well as she may feel she has tried things before, be even more tired from the lack of sleep ect.

He should try to find somewhere suitable for him and his daughter to live and could stay with you on the day's she is staying with her mother - instead of not having his daughter and continuing to stay at your house as his daughter should be able to stay with her dad at the same time as you shouldn't have to be woken up every 2 hours.

If it really does turn out to be something that can't be resolved - and you have a serious relationship where you want to live together full time you would be unreasonable to suggest she doesn't stay over I think

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 14:55

I think we agree on that @Hibiscrubbed

All I'm saying additionally is, the father and daughter are a package. And children's needs come first to their parents. So the father will need to put his daughter first. Op should be mindful of this and not use language like "banning her, sleepovers, ex family". Op should understand the realities of a blended family situation, and if she can't deal with it, end it now.

Grimbelina · 28/07/2023 14:57

Poor child with no parent to take responsibility. Your DP needs to rent his own place for the nights he has her... until he manages to be the parent he needs to be and get this investigated. You - and her grandparents - are right to establish boundaries as otherwise you are just facilitating neglect. I would be very put off a DP by this.

VisionsOfSplendour · 28/07/2023 14:58

GiraffeDoor · 28/07/2023 13:07

You can't ban a child from sleeping at her dad's. It's no different from if her mum decided she'd had enough, and said you had to have her full time?!

Of course this isn't "normal" 8yo behaviour. Her parents need to get to the bottom of why this little girl is struggling so much. You're free to walk away if it's too much.

Maybe the dad agrees that his shared accomodation isn't suitable for the girl, without knowing more details we can't be sure but I can see it's entirely possible

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 28/07/2023 15:16

It sounds like both parents are failing the girl. Sleep is essential.

If your partner has parental rights, he needs to look into getting her some help as it's clear there is something going on. He should get legal advice if he's not sure what he's allowed to do.

In the meantime, I'd stop the sleepovers at yours. If neither parent is willing to seek actual help for the girl, then they can deal with her elsewhere.

I'd also be blocking the abusive mum on all forms of communication. Or recording her abuse.

MeridianB · 28/07/2023 15:31

Shinyandnew1 · 28/07/2023 13:31

She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’.

I wouldn’t have given her my phone number. Block her now and call the police if she threatens you again.

his ex won’t let his dd sleep there

That is her decision to make but it doesn’t make it your problem. Stop the sleepovers now-today- and I wouldn’t be moving in with him at any point…this will spiral out of control. They need to parent her between them at their houses-this has nothing to do with you.

All of this.. Block the ex and her family. Tell your BF that you don't want to hear anything she/they have to say. Definitely report threats to the police - what kind of parent does this?!

Encourage him to go to the GP - he can do this without the mother's permission. I can't believe two parents have allowed this to go for so long without seeking help.

WhichEllie · 28/07/2023 15:35

Frankly it sounds like he’s trying to become a cocklodger. Don’t let him move in full time and definitely don’t buy a house with him. He’ll only get worse if you do. He’s already showing you that he’s going to let his ex run the show and impact your life.

He’s obviously not particularly bothered by the situation and doesn’t care to fix it. His ex deals with it most of the time, and when it’s his turn it sounds like he’s sometimes sleeping through it (leaving you to be disturbed) and sometimes getting up and playing with/ interacting with her in the middle of the night, which is just encouraging her to do it more.

You’re right to be reconsidering the future and your relationship with him. He needs to sort out himself, his daughter, and his relationship with his ex before he’s ready for a relationship.

mellicauli · 28/07/2023 15:36

She's not blaming the child. She's looking for a solution to a very real problem but her partner doesn't see it as a problem.

I would ask your partner to leave as well. He can get his own accommodation where he can parent his daughter as he likes. It doesn't look like he cares enough about you or his daughter and the long term damage broken sleep can cause to take action.

jannier · 28/07/2023 15:38

Xrays · 28/07/2023 12:03

I would be thinking adhd or autism (my son has autism). Your dp needs to get his head out of the sand and take her to the doctors. My son is prescribed medication which he’s taken since 4 - melatonin and high strength antihistamines with a sedative effect- and it’s changed our lives. He’s 11 and would still get up every 2 hours otherwise.

This

Mojoj · 28/07/2023 15:51

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 28/07/2023 12:16

This. My own child is like this even with her prescribed sleep medications and will be until her review. She has no contact with her sad sadly, but I would be absolutely furious if he or any partner of his banned her from staying over. Her mum deserves a break for fucks sake. If a partner of mine ever suggested banning my child they'd be gone!

Show quote history

Yes but she's not being banned from her dad's house, is she? It's the OP's house. She cannot be expected to tolerate an eight year old who is up every 2 hrs during the night! The child needs help and, rather than arguing about it, all the adults should be working together to identify what's wrong with her.

Tulips2507 · 28/07/2023 15:56

Can her father not take her to the doctor's about it or sleep consultant/therapist? I agree that medical problems need to be investigated first, it's definitely not normal.

Wanttobefree2 · 28/07/2023 16:01

Poor kid, she clearly needs some help and to see a GP, it’s a really tricky situation but I wouldn’t be allowing sleepovers if she doesn’t sleep.

CornishGem1975 · 28/07/2023 16:08

YANBU. Your DP needs to sort out getting his own place, not shared accommodation, have proper contact time with his daughter that doesn't involve messing everyone else's lives up.

Inertia · 28/07/2023 16:09

If you have children of your own then they are also likely to feel the effects of this non/sleeping behaviour, and that’s not fair on them.

It’s entirely read of you to say that overnight visits have to happen at your partner’s own home until this issue is resolved. He needs to start actively parenting.

Teaandbiscuits60 · 28/07/2023 16:11

retired Senco here … advise checking daughters health out because it’s not usual behaviour. I would have been advising mum to see gp. The trouble is, if this is mums only child then whatever the circumstances are will seem normal to mum as she’s nothing to compare it to. I’d be having a word with “d” p as him shoving his head in the sand and not speaking to ex and daughter is damaging behaviour. I’d be concerned as to how he would be if this was your child. He needs to step up and do his fatherly duties!

waterrat · 28/07/2023 16:15

Op this sounds like neurodiversity. YOu need the parents talking to the Senco at school. Does she have other traits?

Howtohideasausage · 28/07/2023 16:16

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2023 13:09

She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’. Yet she’s happy for her child to be in my home and in my care.

Come ON, op. Why the fuck are you still a part of this toxic, nightmare crazy train? Fucking hell, your standards should be higher for yourself than this. Your partner is a negligent parent, his ex is a psycho, and your partner's parents are even giving you shit.

You should have walked away long before now. Don't you want a peaceful life for yourself? You really want to live this way? I can't help but think you'd have to be desperate for a man to put up with this bullshit.

I agree with this. I couldn’t bear to be a part of this shit show.

IveHadItUpToHere · 28/07/2023 16:16

Has anyone even tried to get her into a better sleep pattern? Telling her to stay in her room isn't enough. It's not going to work. Has your DP tried sitting in her room overnight to see if that encourages her to go back to sleep?
Yy there might be a medical cause but your posts make it seem like no-one has actually spent the time sleep training her or supporting her into a better routine.
It's not your problem and it's fine to say neither she nor your DP can stay. But you shouldn't be considering buying a house or moving in together. If you can't have his DD in the house then you can't have him either. They're a package.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 28/07/2023 16:17

She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’. Yet she’s happy for her child to be in my home and in my care.

Forthat reason, I wouldn't have contact in my home. This all sounds very dysfunctional OP. Your sd sounds like she could have additional needs. It is not 'normal' behaviour for an 8 year old. Her parents are failing to parent her. It is not your problem, do not take it on. Why do you choose to be a part of this mess?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 28/07/2023 16:18

Also your dp its time for your dp to be a grown up. He is a father. He needs his own place instead of making his contact everyone else's problem. Come on now.

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