Page 7 | Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

Jeffersdya · 2023-07-28T11:00:43+00:00

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night. She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat. She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum. Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off. I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing. I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night. I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens. Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’. What’s your take on it?

Nanny0gg · 28/07/2023 14:17

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:55

Wow lots of odd comments…
thanks for the helpful advice offered. Dp does have his own place except it’s shared accommodation and his ex won’t let his dd sleep there, understandably. He stays with me several times a week but due to his work it’s hard for him to travel from here daily. I agreed to the sleepovers because otherwise overnight visitations for him wouldn’t be existent, at her mums demand.
I never expected it to be so difficult at her age. I’m stricter in my parenting views and can’t tolerate poor behaviour. If it is health related of course I sympathise, but it doesn’t change the fact the poor girl needs help.
Dp is a good dad and he does get up with her in the night, tries to settle her, does everything a dad should in this situation, however he isn’t strict and lets her walk over him which frustrates me. Her mum won’t allow any whisper of adhd/autism and I had hours of abuse from her for suggesting such. Dp can’t take her to the doctor without her mums consent so his hands are tied in that sense. I don’t do any parenting for her, to make that clear, he does it all.
If I ban sleepovers he can’t have her overnight, if I continue then I will get angrier and resentful. We have a happy relationship and have plans to eventually buy somewhere together, but this elephant in the room is making me doubt everything.

Why can't he take her to the doctor? Does he not have parental rights?

Beach11 · 28/07/2023 14:17

YABU- her parents need to seek help to address the sleeping issues. This isn't your problem, it's her parents.
If he has no suitable accommodation for her to stay over, he needs to sort it out himself. What would he do if you hadn't kindly offered to host the sleep overs?
Don't let him & his ex take advantage of you. Your house, your rules.

Nanny0gg · 28/07/2023 14:18

Your DP needs to grow a backbone

Hibiscrubbed · 28/07/2023 14:19

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 13:56

Obviously yabu. You can't "ban" a child from "her" house given her father is there. Would you boot your own child from your home cos she doesn't sleep soundly? What if you had an ex, would you boot your own child to your ex? Cos that's what you're proposing here. Truth is, you see this child as disposable, optional when she's not. You need to open your eyes to that and get out of this child's life before other more important issues crop up.

Oh for fuck’s sake.

Soooooooooo bored of the “wait, you’re a stepmother? You’re clearly a cunt, then,” posters.

Go away.

Mariposista · 28/07/2023 14:19

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 13:05

She’s a very smart girl for her age, her teachers have her at the level of year 6 students. She is very hyper in every situation and with every person in her life, she finds it difficult to sit still for long but when she does she will zone out and be difficult to communicate with. She’s always happy and smiling, just very exhausting to spend time with - I know this is extremely awful to say, but it feels like I’ve run a nursery on my own all day with 20+ toddlers. I never knew she was like this until the first sleepover, I initially thought the grandparents comments came from them being older and more tired, but now I can see. Her mum doesn’t care and lets her do what she likes through the night, it’s us that encourage her to go back to sleep which isn’t something she’s used to being told. If dp tries to get her help without her mums consent it will cause a shtstorm as she disagrees with it. Maybe in denial? She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’. Yet she’s happy for her child to be in my home and in my care.

If the vile woman had left me messages like that I would be reporting her to the police and SS and doing my best to get that poor child removed from her care. That way her father can lay down the law RE her care and behaviour under your roof and everywhere.
At 8 she is old enough to entertain herself quietly if awake at ungodly hours.

Gymnopedie · 28/07/2023 14:19

If I was the father I wouldn't agree to my daughter being "banned" from my gf's house.

I don't know if the ex is really desperate for a respite given that she won't let the DP have his DD at his own place. And it maybe doesn't bother her because the OP has said that her approach is to just let the DD get on with it. So the OP isn't doing this to be nice to the ex, she's doing it as a favour to allow her DP to facilitate having some time with his daughter that he otherwise couldn't have. And he seems remarkably ungrateful for it.

OP seriously I'd get out of the relationship. It's the non sleeping now, but what's being set out in front of you is that there will always be issues between ex and DP and you will be expected to keep your beak out of it but still deal with the results. Even if the sleep issue gets sorted (which I would hope it would for the DD's sake) there will be other things as time goes on and they'll get bigger as she gets older. Take yourself out of the equation.

Ponderingwindow · 28/07/2023 14:19

A child should always be welcome in her father’s home. But as this is not actually her father’s home, you are free to end both the father and the child’s invitations.

as for the sleep issue, there is likely something deeper going on. I had huge problems with sleep as a child. My parents used to take turns sleeping on the sofa with me in a playpen and the tv to keep me company as a toddler because they were so desperate for some rest. I spent my childhood knowing the rule that I didn’t have to sleep, but I did have to stay in my room quietly. When I was very little that meant with toys . As I got old enough it just became reading in bed.

by the time my own dd came along and we had the same problems, things had thankfully progressed substantially. Her inability to sleep became part of an ASD diagnosis. Ultimately though we work with the same rules I had as a child, you don’t have to sleep, but it is quiet time and your body still needs rest . Dd reads a lot. We got her a kindle at age 5 so she doesn’t have to turn on the lights. Her doctor also has us use melatonin sparingly. We also discovered for her, sometimes it is an anxiety spiral and the best thing is distraction, so against my intuition and every piece of regular advice, watching a bit of tv can really help. 30 minutes and then she falls asleep and sleeps for hours.

if she does have an underlying condition, then the sleep disorder is going to be exacerbated when she isn’t at home in a comfortable space. it would probably really help if dad provided her with a stable home with her own bed instead of taking her to other people’s homes where she is a guest.

Nanny0gg · 28/07/2023 14:19

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 14:11

The child still needs to be with her father though. Op is free to not want them in the house but either op accepts them both, or accepts neither. If I was the father I wouldn't agree to my daughter being "banned" from my gf's house. It's a package deal really. As much as many would like to boot step children out, irl, being a parent trumps or at least should trump personal relationships.

He doesn't get a say really as he isn't getting the child the help she needs

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 14:20

Yes the father needs to sort it out, and yes it isn’t the father's house it is the OPs. No need to shout with your capital letters.

However the father and the daughter come as a package deal. So the op should either have them both or not have either of them. Getting the father to make a decision of choosing her or choosing his child is awful. The language OP uses “banning” the 8 year old is also awful.

LifeExperience · 28/07/2023 14:26

He's a crap dad if he won't stand up to his ex and get his daughter proper care.

I'd bin him. There is no way I'd have a difficult, for lack of a better word, child in my house just because her father can't be arsed to get proper housing for his visitation.

marblesthecat · 28/07/2023 14:26

1993GoToo · 28/07/2023 14:07

By the sound of the mum, I bet if you did ban the child from staying over at yours that magically it would soon be ok for her to stay at your partner's shared accommodation.

Give it a try. Put your foot down and stop this ridiculousness.

That's what I thought.

Hibiscrubbed · 28/07/2023 14:26

For the hard of thinking:

•It’s the OP’s house. The P does not live there.

•The partner has a house share of his own. The mother won’t allow him to have his child there.

•The P won’t take the child to a doctor. The mother won’t allow it.

•The P won’t discipline or tackle the problem when it’s happening.

•The mother won’t hear of anything regarding neurodivergence.

•The P’s parents have also said the girl cannot stay, she’s too disruptive.

•The mother and her family is abusing the OP for not wanting her troubled daughter to stay any more, as she disturbs everyone. This is despite the OP not living with the father, and the father having his own place, that the mother won’t allow the daughter to stay at.

That help anyone out?!

Hibiscrubbed · 28/07/2023 14:27

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 14:20

Yes the father needs to sort it out, and yes it isn’t the father's house it is the OPs. No need to shout with your capital letters.

However the father and the daughter come as a package deal. So the op should either have them both or not have either of them. Getting the father to make a decision of choosing her or choosing his child is awful. The language OP uses “banning” the 8 year old is also awful.

We all think she should have neither. Have you read the thread?

TomatoSandwiches · 28/07/2023 14:29

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 14:20

Yes the father needs to sort it out, and yes it isn’t the father's house it is the OPs. No need to shout with your capital letters.

However the father and the daughter come as a package deal. So the op should either have them both or not have either of them. Getting the father to make a decision of choosing her or choosing his child is awful. The language OP uses “banning” the 8 year old is also awful.

She isn't banned from ops house, she is welcome to visit in the day, she is however, very understandably not welcome to sleep there since she disrupts the whole household.

If neither parent is seeking help for the poor child due to ignorance or negligence then neither can expect other people to suffer the girls disruptive behaviour.

Even the own child's grandparents have refused sleepovers, op has less responsibility towards sacrificing her own sleep than them but I don't see you jumping up and down about that.

Stop trying to paint op as some sort of unreasonable witch, when the facts are listed she is the only person trying to help the girl.

RosieBurdock · 28/07/2023 14:30

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:55

Wow lots of odd comments…
thanks for the helpful advice offered. Dp does have his own place except it’s shared accommodation and his ex won’t let his dd sleep there, understandably. He stays with me several times a week but due to his work it’s hard for him to travel from here daily. I agreed to the sleepovers because otherwise overnight visitations for him wouldn’t be existent, at her mums demand.
I never expected it to be so difficult at her age. I’m stricter in my parenting views and can’t tolerate poor behaviour. If it is health related of course I sympathise, but it doesn’t change the fact the poor girl needs help.
Dp is a good dad and he does get up with her in the night, tries to settle her, does everything a dad should in this situation, however he isn’t strict and lets her walk over him which frustrates me. Her mum won’t allow any whisper of adhd/autism and I had hours of abuse from her for suggesting such. Dp can’t take her to the doctor without her mums consent so his hands are tied in that sense. I don’t do any parenting for her, to make that clear, he does it all.
If I ban sleepovers he can’t have her overnight, if I continue then I will get angrier and resentful. We have a happy relationship and have plans to eventually buy somewhere together, but this elephant in the room is making me doubt everything.

So if you were to split up, the step dd would never be allowed to stay with the dad as she is banned from staying at his house. What a difficult situation.

Wheresmyrobe · 28/07/2023 14:30

To be honest if advise him to go for more custody. It sounds like she's being neglected by her mother.

sentinent · 28/07/2023 14:31

It's not one of her parents homes though. Her dad doesn't have a home.

Pallisers · 28/07/2023 14:33

However the father and the daughter come as a package deal. So the op should either have them both or not have either of them.

Right. So if you start dating a man and he sleeps over sometimes, then his children must also be entitled to sleep over as they are a package deal.

Some truly bizarre replies.

OP, I honestly think you would be better off without this relationship. He is not a good dad and his relationship with his ex is a disaster. This trouble isn't going to go away and the drama will just get worse.

Beachwalker66 · 28/07/2023 14:34

I would call the police if someone sent me a threatening message suggesting they were going to “rearrange my jaw.”

Who the hell do these people think they are? It’s your house. DP has his own place, and it’s absolutely not your responsibility to facilitate overnights at yours.

Do you even want to still be in a relationship with him, given his apparent inability to parent? I would be feeling pretty used and fed up.

Moonsun88 · 28/07/2023 14:36

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:11

Its my house not dp hence me calling it a sleepover and not visitation. He would usually have her at his parents house but they have also refused for her to sleep there, they’re in their 70s and can’t cope with her hyperactivity so I offered and now deeply regret it.
its 2 weekends on 2 weekends off plus occasionally once on week days.
She has huge black bags under her eyes but doesn’t seem to feel tiredness. She is hyper throughout the day too so you’d assume she slept well. I did consider autism or adhd but didn’t want to label unfairly if this isn’t the cause.
She’s supposed to stay this weekend and I’m absolutely dreading it, if she doesn’t stay here then dp will have to take her back home to sleep which won’t go down well with his ex. He’s a good dad but he hasn’t a clue how to deal with situations like this.

I would be thinking ADHD. Waking every 2 hours at 8 yrs old to play is not normal. One of my children is ASD and sleeps through the night but is an early riser and doesn't need as much sleep and he is the same age.

Coyoacan · 28/07/2023 14:36

I'm not a doctor or even an expert in children, but I cannot imagine the child is waking up after two hours sleep out of naughtiness.

ManateeFair · 28/07/2023 14:37

For a moment I thought you were proposing to ban her from a house you actually share with her father, which would have been unreasonable. But now that I've seen he doesn't live with you, then YANBU. If you don't live together, you shouldn't be suffering sleepless nights and so on because he's using your house as a base for his access to his daughter.

And yes, you're right that an 8-year-old should be able either to sleep through the night, or at least stay in bed and read a book or listen to an audiobook when she wakes up rather than running wild through the house. Obviously some kids do struggle a lot with sleep (I was one of them) but what you're describing does sound really excessive.

I'm wondering what her home environment is like when she's with her mother. I'd suspect that maybe at home it's non-stop chaos, lack of routine, random bedtimes etc. I often hear my next door neighbours kids up and running around way past midnight and I get the impression that's mostly because their parents literally just don't bother to put them to bed at a regular time.

VictoriaVenkman · 28/07/2023 14:39

Dp is a good dad

He really isn't. His DD either needs medical attention or strong boundaries, neither of which is is doing or fighting for.

whatstheagendatoday · 28/07/2023 14:40

We all think she should have neither. Have you read the thread?

You might be saying that, but most are just saying the parents should bring her to the gp. Then the mother won’t, the father cannot. So what should be done? The daughter should be booted out of OP home, and cannot stay with her father?

ManchesterGirl2 · 28/07/2023 14:41

I'd leave the relationship. His ex is being abusive to you, both parents are failing to get medical help for their daughter, and her resulting behaviour is impacting your home life. I don't think this partner is in a position to have a live-in relationship, sadly, until he sorts out his shared parenting better.

Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

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