Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

[Jeffersdya]

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

It’s not the father’s home at all. OP has stated that it’s her home and that her partner comes to stay with his child because his parents will no longer have her stay at their house where he usually lives. OP has no reason to feel bad at all. She was trying to help. It’s neglectful of both the parents not to pursue assessment of their child’s needs.

Seems to be a massive drip feed about her dad not having his own house. Think if you’d make clear from the outset it was your house alone it would have received different responses. Her Dad needs to sort himself out he is relying on you. Shared accommodation isn’t suitable if you hate a kid. If it was your shared house my answer would be completely different in that yes it still needs resolved but no not fair to ban the kid from her house but in this case it’s not her house. It’s yours. So YANBU.

She said it was her house in the first post.

Do not get a house with this man!

At the moment you can put your foot down and say the DSD can't stay.

What your DP should be doing is providing suitable accommodation for his DC; not his parents house, not your house, not shared accommodation with strangers, but his own place where he can be solely responsible for his DC.

If you buy a place with your DP then his DD could potentially move in with you and you'd not be able to stop that.

What your DSD needs is help, and step one of that is your DP being a proper parent and putting a roof over her head; when she's in his sole care his desire for sorting the sleep problem will become a lot stronger!

Do you have your own kids? From what I understand you don’t. Honestly I’d get out of this circus asap. Its why I flat out don’t date men with kids. I’m in my 30s so I’d make an exception for a man with a kid in their late teens /adulthood but except for that nah.

It’s a bad idea for so many reasons. You split up and you’re left with guilt if the child misses you , you face backlash from the mother -and sometimes the father too - if you discipline them etc.

IMO it wasn’t super clear hence many misunderstood. She said “my house” but some people would still use that phrase if they shared it with their OH. She also didn’t mention anything about the Dad in shared accommodation but listed other places the kid sleeps eg. Grandparents. , if she had also added “ she can’t sleep at her dads in his shared accommodation” would’ve been more clear.

More embarrassing for you that you couldn't be bothered to read even the OP's posts, which is very easy. And indeed that you didn't notice that the relevant information was not drip-fed, it was in the first post.

It's in the op she says it's her house.

I can't believe school hasn't flagged it.
That poor child must be knackered.
Having such poor sleep must make the girls life hell.

I suffer from insomnia and it's really awful.
It really impacts your life.

@Jeffersdya is there no one you can inform anonymously and get the child some help.

Entirely missing the point. It’s the OP’s house. Partner has the child overnight two weekends in every four. So he’s free to leave, but why would he when he would then have to sort out a home for himself and his child and actually deal with the problem himself instead of passing it off to the OP?

So the girl doesn't sleep... It's not her fault, she's not doing it on purpose to be "naughty" or to stop you sleeping. She may have adhd/autism or she may be sleepwalking. She comes to stay with her dad for 2 weekends a month and you are worried about your lack of sleep on these nights (assume between 2 and 4 nights per month?) What about her mum? She must be exhausted as these are the only nights when she probably gets to sleep properly as she'll be getting woken up 26-28 times per month.

You are looking at this from a very selfish perspective imo, and I'd be quite upset with you if I were your partner.

Also, imagine how this poor child will feel if she is suddenly told she can't sleep over, like she has done something wrong. Which she hasn't.

Has anyone actually tried speaking to the child to ask her if she remembers waking in the night? I bet she'd probably love to be able to fall asleep and wake up in the morning. If this was my son, I'd definitely have a chat with him and take him to the doctors to see if it's caused by a medical reason.

But she’s already in that relationship and posted for advice on how to deal with the childs’ sleeplessness, not dating advice.

Dad needs to parent. Take out the separated family, inlaws and all other complications. If he were the fulltime parent, what advice does he need? What strategies can he adopt?

Dangerous to diagnose ADHD/ASD without specialist support. It may not be. Diagnosis is complicated and banded around far too much.
It could be learnt behaviours. What has your DP found out about sleep? Has he read up? Has he tried any strategies, worked with his DD to change patterns?

Children can relearn, even adapting to rules in two different houses but it takes consistency, skill, time and effort. (You know, just the work of being a parent). It doesn't seem he has done any of that. If he has tried and failed, then evidenced that is important as part of further investigations to possibly diagnose, diagnosis isn't the first step.

Totally agree with this.

She has threatened you with physical violence…you need to stop this right now. Explain calmly to DP that you will not tolerate her threats. Keep all messages in case you need to contact the police.

This child needs help, and if neither of her parents is prepared to seek that help then unfortunately you have to back away. She is not your child. But no more sleep overs at your house and to be honest, in view of her mothers threats, I wouldn’t want to continue having her in my house at all.

I’d be inclined to agree if the boyfriend lived with OP.
He lives at his parents. He stays over at OP’s when he has his daughter.
It’s not OP’s responsibility to provide this respite for the girl’s mum or to provide the girl with a home.
The girl’s dad needs to start taking some responsibility and get himself sorted with a home from which he can parent his own child without relying on his parents or girlfriend.

What’s the OP supposed to do if the childs’ own parents won’t address the problem ? Amazed at the amount of posts criticising the OP, when it’s her partner who needs a kick up the arse to take his DD to the doctor and get her the help she needs, instead of passing the problem off to the OP.

I would end the relationship too. If you get a place together, you will have this every weekend or half the week and the stress will break you up anyway, because he's a lazy coward who won't take his dd to the doctor.

They don’t live together and are still dating. It is still at a point where it’s easy to get out, he really doesn’t sound like much of a catch to me.

I think you’re getting an unfair lambasting from many people on here OP. You’ve tried to to do a good and supportive thing. You don’t live with your partner, you’re not his daughter’s stepmother. I think you are within your rights to say you don’t want her to sleep anymore especially If her mum and dad wont address the problem. Of course this might cause problems between you and your partner but I’d be seriously considering whether the relationship is worth the aggro. I feel sorry for the little girl though. She needs someone to advocate for her but other than making your views known it isn’t your place. Maybe her dad needs to stand up to her mum but I understand how much trouble that could cause.

“It's in the op she says it's her house”

I’ve already responded to that statement but one last time - as above, I don’t think it was as clear as it could be from that first one - and for the record, I read all the posts so I knew whose house it was before I gave my opinion.

But anyway hopefully everyone has caught up now 😄and more importantly OP can take some of the advice and make a decision. I agree disruption to sleep is no joke and can drastically reduce the quality of someone’s life.

Exactly he's not a good dad. He's not proving the absolute basics of a bed. Nor is he bothering to make a GP appt.

Yep, exactly!

The dad needs to focus on (1) Getting his child to a GP. OR if he doesn't have parental responsibility because he's not on the BC, he needs to work on getting that.

(2) The next thing he needs to do is work on getting accommodation where his own child can stay, rather than trying to get her a bedroom by cocklodging. Maybe get a second job, retrain, etc.

It sounds like he has his hands full ATM and no time to date. Let him come back in a couple of years when his life is stable.