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Original poster

Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

522 replies

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:00

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 31/07/2023 01:39

I'd be concerned she'd come to harm unattended, bored and likely over stimulated running around the house when everyone is asleep with noone supervising. I'd be pretty concerned by dps lack of concern and effort to help her with this. That's not normal and she's either struggling mentally or physically and it's not good for her health and wellbeing either way. Both parents should be stepping up here so if they aren't then I think it's reasonable to put your own boundary in place.

Thatboymum · 31/07/2023 01:46

Yanbu to not allow her to sleep at your house anymore and I suspect her mum is only kicking off because she is desperate for the night off too. Maybe this will push her mum to seek medical advice for this poor kid however assuming dad has pr he can take her himself without her input. 8 years old she knows this isn’t acceptable, my ds5 with adhd sleeps like this even with his melatonin and it’s bloody hard I wouldn’t expect anybody to have him at there house or overnight and I wouldn’t be upset when they voiced that opinion

WannaBeRecluse · 31/07/2023 02:25

I couldn't handle that kind of interrupted sleep. I think I'd offer for my partner to sleep in the same room as his DD at my house to teach her that this is night time, we are in bed and sleeping now. If that's impossible then he would need to sort out suitable accommodation to have his DD overnight in. The poor kid needs help.

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Helentwinsplus1 · 31/07/2023 03:19

Have school mentioned anything about her behaviour there?

I don't get this fear some parents have of labelling. For us it's just given the kids an understanding of how they are different and how to cope with it. It's got them support and allowed us as a family to change how we do things so everyone is much happier.

Crazydonkeylady · 31/07/2023 04:23

Weflewinstyle · 28/07/2023 12:17

If I was your partner, I would either kick you out. This afternoon.

or I’d leave you

Well he can’t kick her out as it’s OP’s house and not his. The dad of the child in question doesn’t live there - hence it being called a sleepover. The OP has already explained that the dad lives at home with his elderly parents but that they have refused to have their granddaughter sleep over any more due to her night time hyperactivity. This child needs to see a Dr. It’s not normal and she is suffering the effects, as are her parents and others like OP who was trying to help by offering to have her over after the grandparents refused.

bytheseaby123 · 31/07/2023 04:41

I would be clear - happy for her to stay but it’s time to get a Dr involved. Otherwise her father gets to never deal with it and her mother does 7 nights a week, doesn’t seem fair? I’m v surprised the mother isn’t banging the door down at the dr’s for help already.

FloofCloud · 31/07/2023 05:23

Does sound like she needs an assessment of some kind. It must be hard for her mum if she has this behaviour all the time, so no break with visitation in the distance must be a bit scary for the mum. However it's your DPs problem to resolve

daisychain01 · 31/07/2023 05:54

You really need to distance yourself by not giving in to all the unwarranted pressure to have SDD staying with you, you have zero obligation remember, this isn't your child or your problem. Your partner won't have any incentive to resolve the matter while you provide such an easy solution during his weekends of care.

Whether or not you're prepared to put your foot down and distance yourself from the shitshow is up to you. Being abused by the ex and effectively gaslit by your partner that there's nothing at all wrong with his child would really be the final straw if that was me. I bet your partner never told you in advance about his DDs sleep pattern.... conveniently.

Regain your independence from this situation, stop being a doormat and get yourself a good night's sleep.

daisychain01 · 31/07/2023 05:59

If SDD's grandparents, her own flesh and blood, have refused to have her stay, that should give you a message OP. They're very wise, and probably fed up that SDDs father isn't stepping up and having the balls to deal with his DDs health crisis.

That poor child will be fractious and exhausted (not least of all those around her!) and it will only get worse not better without proper medical intervention. It will affect her studies and future prospects if not addressed now.

TheBloatedMiddle · 31/07/2023 06:19

tootallfortheshelf · 28/07/2023 13:12

These two useless and dysfunctional parents are trying to offload their child onto you op.
I would keep detailed records of all the threats made by the mother, or should that be 'female parent'; she doesn't sound very motherly does she!

quite frankly if someone had threatened to rearrange my jaw for trying to accommodate their child I would say 'fuck you' and walk.

And I agree that the father is pathetic. It's his job to do the best for his child. Not to pander to an unstable ex. he needs to step up and parent.

marblemad · 31/07/2023 06:19

FloweryName · 28/07/2023 12:06

How often does she stay with you? Banning a child from her own fathers home seems incredibly harsh. It’s not her fault.

It's not just the fathers home though is it, it's OP's aswell? And if it is disturbing the home dynamic so significantly it is better to put your foot down now and refuse until treatment and boundaries are put in place.

Bouncyball23 · 31/07/2023 06:40

I hope her dad is looking for a flat off his own so he still looks after his child overnight, why should mum be dealing with this alone?

Coolmom81 · 31/07/2023 06:49

This definitely sounds like ASD or ADHD. I assume she hasn’t been medically diagnosed as such. This is probably going to be a difficult conversation to have as if your partner hasn’t already had the same thoughts himself he may be burying his head in the sand. This is not normal behaviour and her parents absolutely need to seek professional medical help. In the meantime you should absolutely be able to sleep in your own home. Perhaps limit the number of nights she stays at yours until there is evidence that the parents are doing something about is.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 31/07/2023 06:49

Honestly I’d bin him off, his ex threatened you he should be protecting you from her.

It’s all too dramatic for words.

Iamtheonwandlonely · 31/07/2023 06:57

I wonder if the dad deliberately got a house share so he doesn't have to deal I it's his DD.
And that's the reason he's with @Jeffersdya .

MySugarBabyLove · 31/07/2023 06:58

The child's mother has behaved terribly but to be honest if I was years into handling daily sleep deprivation alone while my child's father saw her maybe TWICE A MONTH and even then did so with the help and support of his parents and/or girlfriend- I can't say I would be all sunshine and roses either. So what is she doing about it?

It’s all very well saying “poor woman, she’s obviously having a difficult time,” but she’s not doing anything about it is she? She refuses to get medical help for her child, has threatened violence to the OP for suggesting it, and apparently would kick off if the child’s father sought medical help for her sleep issues.

So maybe she’s sleep deprived, but it’s a situation of her own making since she’d rather be the hard done by victim than seek help for her child.

Emmaheather · 31/07/2023 07:01

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 13:05

She’s a very smart girl for her age, her teachers have her at the level of year 6 students. She is very hyper in every situation and with every person in her life, she finds it difficult to sit still for long but when she does she will zone out and be difficult to communicate with. She’s always happy and smiling, just very exhausting to spend time with - I know this is extremely awful to say, but it feels like I’ve run a nursery on my own all day with 20+ toddlers. I never knew she was like this until the first sleepover, I initially thought the grandparents comments came from them being older and more tired, but now I can see. Her mum doesn’t care and lets her do what she likes through the night, it’s us that encourage her to go back to sleep which isn’t something she’s used to being told. If dp tries to get her help without her mums consent it will cause a shtstorm as she disagrees with it. Maybe in denial? She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’. Yet she’s happy for her child to be in my home and in my care.

OP, you say "you never knew she was like that until the first sleepover"

I find it quite worrying that your DP did not anticipate this being a problem and have a frank conversation in advance. It seems pretty irresponsible of him to make arrangements for his daughter and relationship that were likely unsustainable. It seems totally reasonable to say you cannot have severely disturbed sleep every other weekend.He's put you in a very difficult situation and he's the one that needs to find a solution.

Autumnsoon · 31/07/2023 07:05

You are absolutely within your rights to do this ..
id be looking at the relationship with with your boyfriend too ,can’t really see it working long term ,when your so far apart parenting wise ..it will cause nothing but problems and arguments everytime you see him not parenting her properly

speakout · 31/07/2023 07:12

OP I would finish this relationship.

This poor girl needs help and she is being failed by adults all around her.

The child has a mother, father and grandparents.
As much as this child needs help it is not your responsibility to fix this situation.

The child's father can take his child to the doctor without the permission of his ex. None of the authorities will think badly of him taking her to see a GP.

If the ex is threatening physical violence then you need to report it to the police.

There is too much drama around this situation, I would far rather be single than have to deal with this.

Iamtheonwandlonely · 31/07/2023 07:15

CM1897 · 30/07/2023 06:45

It’s embarrassing for you that you don’t understand that people don’t have the time to read a 14 page thread and that OPs shouldn’t drip feed

Show quote history

You can just read the ops posts
Plus 14 pages in usually anyone coming on the thread is just repeating stuff that's already been said.

Doone21 · 31/07/2023 07:24

That's not naughtiness that's something else, definitely adhd type thing and it's not wrong to seek medical advice, the poor girl probably desperate for sleep too

Dillane · 31/07/2023 07:44

speakout · 31/07/2023 07:12

OP I would finish this relationship.

This poor girl needs help and she is being failed by adults all around her.

The child has a mother, father and grandparents.
As much as this child needs help it is not your responsibility to fix this situation.

The child's father can take his child to the doctor without the permission of his ex. None of the authorities will think badly of him taking her to see a GP.

If the ex is threatening physical violence then you need to report it to the police.

There is too much drama around this situation, I would far rather be single than have to deal with this.

This

aSofaNearYou · 31/07/2023 07:57

Of course YANBU - it's your house. It would be different if you shared a house. Now you know not to do that at all costs! And I would block the ex and her family, there's no need to be in contact with them. I've been an established step parent for many years and have never spoken to my DPs ex and her family, there's absolutely no need for you to be.

Hibiscrubbed · 31/07/2023 07:57

Annonnn · 30/07/2023 22:11

Purely from the perspective of a mother with a child with autism I think you are being unreasonable. It sounds like you're putting a lot of blame on the child's mother without considering that there's a good chance she hasn't been able to sleep through the night in 8 years apart from the weekends her daughter stays with her dad, if you feel this way after a couple of nights just imagine how her mother feels.
More importantly, a parent and child are a package deal. Your partner has a child you will eventually have to commit to as much as you do your partner. I understand that she is not your child but if you see your relationship being long term and plan to purchase a house together and you don't want to cause any friction/resentment the only real option is to just deal with it for a couple of nights a week for the sake of the man you love and his child. That could mean buying earplugs, sleeping in a room as far away from the child's room as you can or even investing in soundproofing for your bedroom. The child can't help being hyper and waking up any more than you can help being a light sleeper but as the adult it is up to you to find a way to work around it.
I understand the child's mother is at fault for not seeking help from medical professionals but being in denial about issues with your child is very common, it can be scary.

This mother won’t allow the child to stay at her dad’s place, she has forbidden not only for him to take his daughter to the doctor, but also any mention of neurodivergence or a problem, she has also threatened to ‘rearrange’ the jaw of the OP…

Your sympathies for that woman could not be more misplaced.

IWantOutDoI · 31/07/2023 08:00

Redcliffe1 · 28/07/2023 12:13

Incredibly unreasonable. Why does her mum have to deal with sleepless nights when she has two parents. Try earplugs .

I thought this but then, it is OPs house not her dad’s. Dad has to acknowledge and respect the needs of other people in the house, if DSD’s parents don’t want to do anything or even. take her to the GP to try to find a solution, why would OP have to put up with it? It’s her house after all, she is not married to her partner and this child is not her child. I bet that if she took her to the doctor or try some sleep helping solutions she will be flamed by everyone around her.

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