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Original poster

Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

522 replies

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:00

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 30/07/2023 21:53

Redcliffe1 · 28/07/2023 12:13

Incredibly unreasonable. Why does her mum have to deal with sleepless nights when she has two parents. Try earplugs .

Her Mum might not have put up with it if yhe Dad had his own place or both parents agreed to take her to the doctor to investigate the reason for the lack of sleep.

This is not normal 8 yo behaviour and it is the father's job to find somewhere suitable to live and care for his dd rather than rely on his elderly parents or partner. Op is not being unreasonable.

SnowWhitesSM · 30/07/2023 22:03

WonderingWanda · 30/07/2023 21:53

Her Mum might not have put up with it if yhe Dad had his own place or both parents agreed to take her to the doctor to investigate the reason for the lack of sleep.

This is not normal 8 yo behaviour and it is the father's job to find somewhere suitable to live and care for his dd rather than rely on his elderly parents or partner. Op is not being unreasonable.

Show quote history

Or mum allowed dd to sleep at her dads. Her dad has a shared house. He isn't the only dad with only one child and a low wage who has to rent a room.

Thepossibility · 30/07/2023 22:07

If you are doing your DP a kindness by opening your home to him and his child he should be doing his upmost to ensure you get the sleep you need.
Otherwise it's not working and he needs to work something else out.
Ignore any abuse, this is not your problem to solve. Caving in to the abuse will cause you more problems and demands that you set yourself on fire to keep others warm down the line.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families
Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 22:09

CM1897 · 30/07/2023 06:45

It’s embarrassing for you that you don’t understand that people don’t have the time to read a 14 page thread and that OPs shouldn’t drip feed

Show quote history

If they don't have time to read the OP's posts which is a very simple thing to do, why do they think they have anything useful to say?

Annonnn · 30/07/2023 22:11

Purely from the perspective of a mother with a child with autism I think you are being unreasonable. It sounds like you're putting a lot of blame on the child's mother without considering that there's a good chance she hasn't been able to sleep through the night in 8 years apart from the weekends her daughter stays with her dad, if you feel this way after a couple of nights just imagine how her mother feels.
More importantly, a parent and child are a package deal. Your partner has a child you will eventually have to commit to as much as you do your partner. I understand that she is not your child but if you see your relationship being long term and plan to purchase a house together and you don't want to cause any friction/resentment the only real option is to just deal with it for a couple of nights a week for the sake of the man you love and his child. That could mean buying earplugs, sleeping in a room as far away from the child's room as you can or even investing in soundproofing for your bedroom. The child can't help being hyper and waking up any more than you can help being a light sleeper but as the adult it is up to you to find a way to work around it.
I understand the child's mother is at fault for not seeking help from medical professionals but being in denial about issues with your child is very common, it can be scary.

ThereIbledit · 30/07/2023 22:12

I wonder if an ADHD diagnosis will be on the cards eventually for her.

Not your responsibility. I say this as a woman with ADHD. You are entitled to a good night's sleep in your own home. Why doesn't your DH live in a situation that he can have her to stay at his?

Delete and block his family .

SnowWhitesSM · 30/07/2023 22:13

It's not even all of the OPs post. It's the main opening post. People are reading step mother, banning and jumping instead of reading the post and comprehending. Biff and Chip with the lost key is an excellent suggestion!

SlippySarah · 30/07/2023 22:17

My DD was a lot like this - an absolutely terrible sleeper. Couldn't get herself off to sleep without a lot of intervention, woke up multiple times in the night and couldn't get back to sleep. Then always up early. Hated being on her own for even a minute so as soon as she was awake she flew out of bed and wanted an adult to be with her. She had a lot of nightmares. We tried everything including trips to the GP and loads of requests for help from everywhere. She had some sessions with CAMHS when she was in pre-school. Her dad and I split up when she was 5, partly (mostly?) due to the competitive tiredness that this issue caused. She carried on not sleeping until she was about 11. I don't know why but it suddenly seemed to click into place and now she sleeps like any other child her age. I can say it was definitely not because of us having any firmer boundaries or stricter parenting or reasoning with her, or any of the other "helpful" suggestions above. She wasn't doing it on purpose, she hated knowing that she was different and was grinding us down with tiredness. It was just the way her brain worked. She still needs a lot of routine at bedtime but she manages it herself now she's a teen.

You don't owe this girl or her family anything. If you don't want this going on in your house you can say no. Believe me there were definitely days when i wanted to walk out the door and if she wasnt my kid i would have. If you want to stay with this guy then his DD will be a part if your life and I've read enough step parenting threads to know that it's not going to be a bed of roses.

If I had a partner who couldn't accept my child for who they were they would not have lasted. Even if I wanted to continue with the relationship (which i wouldn't) the conflict would have been too great. Having a partner who claims to know what you are doing wrong and is playing armchair psychiatrist with your kid, making "helpful" suggestions about autism or boundaries is never going to go down well. I'm not surprised they all told you where to stick it. It's annoying for you but they are also worried as well as exhausted with it all.

UWOT1 · 30/07/2023 22:17

I'd block ex and all her family. They don't need to talk to you. It's nor your responsibility to provided accommodation for contact. Your DP needs to rent a place that is appropriate for overnight contact with his child.

I think this child needs to see a doctor if they are waking up every two hours. They must be exhausted.

Viviennemary · 30/07/2023 22:20

I would ban her from sleeping at my house. Things never should have been allowed to get to this stage. Totally unacceptable.

Dreamersdontdie · 30/07/2023 22:34

You are completely unreasonable to ban her from the house but to continue the relationship. That just punishes her and gives your dp an excuse to not have her as much.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 30/07/2023 22:36

No, she would not be welcome to sleep at my home.

Your boyfriend needs to move into a suitable place for a father and daughter.

And the fact he was with a woman who threatened to rearrange your jaw reflects on him? She sounds rough, and so do her family and he picked her. Are you sure this is what you want in your life?

1993GoToo · 30/07/2023 22:36

if you feel this way after a couple of nights just imagine how her mother feels.

You mean the mother who holds all the cards?
The mother who for 8 years has not bothered to get help for her child?
The mother who rather than THANK the OP for opening her home to the child, leaves a message to "rearrange her jaw".

THAT mother?

Err.... ok then

1993GoToo · 30/07/2023 22:41

Dreamersdontdie · 30/07/2023 22:34

You are completely unreasonable to ban her from the house but to continue the relationship. That just punishes her and gives your dp an excuse to not have her as much.

Where has the OP said she wants to "ban her from the house"?

Is in in another "hidden post" that only a few of you can see with your challenged reading?

The thread title clearly says "ban from sleepovers", not the house. 2 very different things. She is welcome to the OP's house, then the father can take her to his home at night.

GrinAndVomit · 30/07/2023 22:49

DP needs to sort himself out with some accommodation so that he can parent his child.
It’s not your responsibility.

Thatsridiculous · 30/07/2023 22:50

Firstly, YANBU. Honestly, I would consider leaving this relationship. Too much hassle now and you don’t even live together. You will have years of this - hassle after hassle.

Secondly, are you saying that the child’s mum leaves her to play all night and do what she wants? This would be a concern to me - This, coupled with the fact that she refuses to take her child to the GP for advice is neglectful.

Your partner needs to get a grip and take responsibility - firstly by booking a GP appointment, then by speaking to his daughters school. If his ex partner isn’t willing to do it, he needs to. I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who was so passive in their parenting responsibilities.

MrsMiddleMother · 30/07/2023 22:56

YANBU and honestly think you should reevaluate your entire relationship

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/07/2023 23:36

Why can your DP not take his daughter to the GP without the mother's consent? He's her father too, isn't he on the birth certificate?

Has your DP spoken with the school, or is he not allowed to do that either, despite being her father?

It all sounds a bit neglectful from both the parents to be honest. Like neither want to address this then with DP making excuses not to address it.

I feel for the girl, hopefully she'll grow out of it like the other commenter has said happened with her child.

The only solution I can see to this, apart from her Dad actually doing his parental duty and taking her to the GP and seeing her school about it, is for him to be an adult and get his own place with a second bedroom for his daughter.

It's not fair on either you or the grandparents to have to deal with the stress of this. Sounds like the girl's mum and dad are wastes of space. Poor girl.

Elaina87 · 30/07/2023 23:54

She's waking every sleep cycle, def something going on and she should see the gp. It seems unfair to ban her from staying at her dad's house, but no one is listening to you or trying to fix this so I can understand why you've been driven to it.

NewName122 · 30/07/2023 23:55

I'd ban her aswell. She needs to see a doctor that is not normal.

NewName122 · 30/07/2023 23:58

Why can't your partner take her to the doctors?Why would he need the mums consent? Does he not have parental responsibility?

NewName122 · 31/07/2023 00:00

My mums taken my son to the doctors while I was at work one time so surely her own dad can take her. Sounds like a cop out.

mummy21blueeyed · 31/07/2023 00:01

Go you!! Your house your rules and maybe if she has to continue to stay your partner should camp in her room to be able to remind her to minimise noise… how they haven’t thought how unnormal this is and that it needs exploring is beyond me there’s being in denial and being in denial. I’d be the same as you through and through. Your not stopping them havinf contact just simply staying and maybe this will force the right things to happen! Gooo you!!

truthhurts23 · 31/07/2023 01:34

This is for her dad to sort out, maybe he should get his own place so he can parent his own child , it’s not the child’s fault that she can’t sleep and you sound like you don’t like the child anyway

Tiredmumma2two · 31/07/2023 01:35

HarrietJet · 28/07/2023 13:08

If dp tries to get her help without her mums consent it will cause a shtstorm as she disagrees with it
He's an adult. He needs to be capable of withstanding the shitstorm for his child's sake. He's letting her down every bit as badly as her mother is, by capitulating to his ex like this.

This!

I went through a similar situation. Believe me when I say, this isn’t an isolated incident. Dad needs to step up. If he doesn’t parent here, he won’t for other matters. Take it as a warning sign. And the ex sounds like a nightmare. It doesn’t get easier. Do you really need this in the long run??