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Original poster

Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

522 replies

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 12:00

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

OP posts:
BossyFlossie76 · 30/07/2023 07:51

OP people hate stepmums here, don’t take it to heart.

I have actually fully banned my stepchild from our family home (which I own with her Dad), as she posed a threat to me and our younger children. He goes away with her on their time together.

Short of dangerous behaviour though, I don’t think it’s fair to ban her- but it is fair to expect Dad to take some action on this.

All this being said, if it’s your house (solely) then your rules!

Stacybrown · 30/07/2023 08:53

Even if it’s a behavioural issues this is going to be impacting her health anyway and yours. It’s not sustainable to sleep for 2 hour periods at a time and she needs to see a doctor.

Mumkins42 · 30/07/2023 09:38

I wish I could kick you out.
Her dad sounds like a limp, useless excuse for a parent. It figures that you're together.

This poor child. You aren't in a position to support this child and nor should you take on a child if it's something you don't want. So the answer is to separate from your partner and let's hope he grows a pair

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families
Weflewinstyle · 30/07/2023 09:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Mumkins42 · 30/07/2023 09:44

OP.excuse me for jumping - I see it''s your house .

Why are you with this guy? He doesn't care one bit about this kid. I read that you're not invested in being a step parent which is absolutely your right. But why are you with him ?

He needs his own place and he needs to be a dad. Would you want to have kids with someone that goes along with this suggestion you're making and does nothing else. He sounds an absolute waste of space.

midlifemaid · 30/07/2023 10:05

Xrays · 28/07/2023 12:03

I would be thinking adhd or autism (my son has autism). Your dp needs to get his head out of the sand and take her to the doctors. My son is prescribed medication which he’s taken since 4 - melatonin and high strength antihistamines with a sedative effect- and it’s changed our lives. He’s 11 and would still get up every 2 hours otherwise.

This! It really isn’t fair at all, in fact neglectful, of your DP and her family, to not address this issue. It will, in some ways, be affecting her and her wellbeing. YANBU.

T1Dmama · 30/07/2023 13:38

Jeffersdya · 28/07/2023 13:05

She’s a very smart girl for her age, her teachers have her at the level of year 6 students. She is very hyper in every situation and with every person in her life, she finds it difficult to sit still for long but when she does she will zone out and be difficult to communicate with. She’s always happy and smiling, just very exhausting to spend time with - I know this is extremely awful to say, but it feels like I’ve run a nursery on my own all day with 20+ toddlers. I never knew she was like this until the first sleepover, I initially thought the grandparents comments came from them being older and more tired, but now I can see. Her mum doesn’t care and lets her do what she likes through the night, it’s us that encourage her to go back to sleep which isn’t something she’s used to being told. If dp tries to get her help without her mums consent it will cause a shtstorm as she disagrees with it. Maybe in denial? She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’. Yet she’s happy for her child to be in my home and in my care.

Ah well if mum is threatening violence then yes I would be banning daughter from your house on those grounds. I wouldn’t have anything to do with the scenario ar all!
I was coming initially from the angle that mum deserves some time
off too, but if she’s refusing to ask for professional help/diagnosis then let her deal with the nights and remove yourself entirely!
mid block the woman from your phone and from social media etc if she’s making threats…. I’d suggest police but that will probably cause issues for your DP!

T1Dmama · 30/07/2023 15:33

I think the only victim here is the child, I would tell DP that he needs to sit down like adults with his ex and discuss seeking help with their daughters sleep!! He needs to tell her he’s concerned for DD’s lack of sleep and also for the impact this must in turn have on the ex’s life! He needs to try to be the concerned ex concerned for her welfare as well as DD’s! Don’t throw words in there like ADHD or autistic spectrum because a lot of parents will find this offensive (as they don’t understand the diagnosis)…. If she is unwilling to listen to reason he could put it in a letter/email/text?!…. If she is still unwilling to listen to reason I would suggest he call a meeting with school/social services.. not to ‘report’ or complain about mum, but to seek advice.. maybe if school approach her with concerns then she’d be more likely to listen…. School could approach mum and say she’s tired in school and say they’re worried about how this will impact her behaviour going into puberty… many girls mask ADHD better than boys, but puberty tips the scales and there’s an explosion of behaviour… my friend is experiencing this now… the transition to seniors has been really tough and their daughter is ‘lashing out’.. they’ve had to fight school not to expel their DD, and now finally they have a diagnosis which also protects her and gets her extra support with her emotional support needs. Once diagnosed your partners DD will have protection legally, school will have to offer more support… can’t discriminate.. etc. she may not need this currently but like I say, I think mum is in for shock once her DD hits 11/12.

And in answer to the original question… I think DP needs to find himself accommodation that IS suitable for his DD to stay over at because he needs to give mum a break… but no she isn’t your responsibility and I wouldn’t loose sleep to give a mum a break if mum herself isn’t willing to take her DD to the doctors to be referred for help….

she (the mother) needs to help herself/except help from professionals! Without that she can’t expect you to volunteer to give up your sleep and sanity for a child that the parents are failing to get help for.

Mumkins42 · 30/07/2023 19:04

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Hope not 🤷‍♀️.

The anger is misplaced. It really is the dad this all should.be aimed at, but imagine MN isn't his bag 🙂

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 30/07/2023 20:25

Perhaps a suggestion of getting Social Services involved would persuade the mother to take her to the doctor's. It is detrimental to the child's health to have such disrupted sleep patterns.

cansu · 30/07/2023 20:31

There is clearly something wrong. Her parents should be trying to find out what.

cansu · 30/07/2023 20:35

Given her mother is an aggressive loon I would step back. Say no she can't stay at your home. Your partner needs to step up here. He can and should be discussing a GP appointment with his ex. In fact he should also approach the school to ask if there are any concerns there. If he has PR he can do this himself.

Katey83 · 30/07/2023 21:08

I think you should tell DP she can’t sleepover until he is actively dealing with the issue by giving her boundaries (‘if you are up you cannot disturb us in our room until it’s light outside’) and taking her to a doctor. I say this as someone with a challenging sdd. Yes she is a child, but you are not abusing her to enforce some rules to protect your own health. Sleep is not a luxury it’s a necessity. Sounds like DP has his head up his bum about your health as well as his kid’s!

Samlewis96 · 30/07/2023 21:15

SunRainStorm · 28/07/2023 13:31

Wow.

Do NOT buy a place with this man.

Does he contribute to your bills given he's using your home for visitation?

Also- what kind of custody arrangement means a father is prohibited from taking his own child to the GP without the mother's permission? I call bullshit on that.

Is that even true? I've never heard of it. If it is, then what is the background to him being banned from making such a basic decision in relation to his child? That is a massive red flag for me.

Why is he in a house sit/living with his parents/squatting at his girlfriend's house. He's old enough to have an eight year old child- why doesn't he have his life together enough to have a flat of his own and provide his daughter with a home?

Extract yourself from this sinking ship.

If the parents were not married and the father isn't on birth certificate then he actually doesn't have the right to sign for medical treatment etc for the child Parental responsibility comes from bring married or on birth certificate

Kerri44 · 30/07/2023 21:18

If her Dad lives with you I do think it's unreasonable, you have to take on part of the issues that come with Stepkids when you decide to invite them to move in, it does sound like she needs to see a GP for further investigation and it possibly could be ADHD but you're looking at a 3 yr wait for assessments

Kerri44 · 30/07/2023 21:20

Definitely sounds like ADHD....being clever is also a trait...my Son sounds exactly like her, he's nearly 6, he's not up all night but will swop beds every night

1993GoToo · 30/07/2023 21:23

@Kerri44 Where did you read that he dad lives with OP? Are there some hidden posts the rest of us aren't seeing?

The posts that I am reading clearly state the partner has his own place

Baba197 · 30/07/2023 21:27

YANBU. I think it sounds like adhd/autism, there’s def something going on there as this isn’t regular behaviour for children and it’s unfair to everyone but especially her to not have it investigated. Sadly lots of parents refuse to believe that their child could have “issues” I’ve seen it so many times as a nanny and working at a preschool

Sennelier1 · 30/07/2023 21:30

It's most definitely not "what kids do". Or she does it on purpose to get attention, or there is something wrong with her and she needs to be seen by a doctor. Maybe your partner's ex is stimulating this behaviour as a way of slow torture?

Hibiscrubbed · 30/07/2023 21:31

CM1897 · 30/07/2023 06:45

It’s embarrassing for you that you don’t understand that people don’t have the time to read a 14 page thread and that OPs shouldn’t drip feed

Show quote history

No no, it’s still your embarrassment. It’s not my fault if you can’t click ‘see all’ and read the four posts written by the OP.

If that’s too taxing for you, might I suggest you dig out Biff, Chip and Kipper and start again?

MsRosley · 30/07/2023 21:32

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2023 13:09

She text me and left voicemails calling me every name under the sun and threatened to ‘rearrange my jaw’. Yet she’s happy for her child to be in my home and in my care.

Come ON, op. Why the fuck are you still a part of this toxic, nightmare crazy train? Fucking hell, your standards should be higher for yourself than this. Your partner is a negligent parent, his ex is a psycho, and your partner's parents are even giving you shit.

You should have walked away long before now. Don't you want a peaceful life for yourself? You really want to live this way? I can't help but think you'd have to be desperate for a man to put up with this bullshit.

Yeah, I have to agree.

JRM17 · 30/07/2023 21:34

There is not a single doubt in my mind that she doesn't have some kind of medical issue, likely ASD or ADHD. Her mother and father need a rocket us thier arse and get the poor child to a doctor. I bet her teachers have mentioned something to mother who has likely brushed it off.

Sennelier1 · 30/07/2023 21:40

@Weflewinstyle , it's the OP's house, her partner doesn't even live there full time - he stays a few nights a week. Still, it's his child with severe sleep issues he refuses to address! Not consulting a doctor is a crime of negligence

Paddleboarder · 30/07/2023 21:52

The dad should definitely take his daughter to see a gp on his own if his ex won’t entertain the idea- it’s very negligent to allow this to go on. Getting such little sleep every night is surely affecting her health, which should be the number one priority. He needs to step up and talk properly to his ex and take his own action if she won’t listen.

I don’t know if I would stop her staying over though, that’s also just brushing it aside.

Ruffpuff · 30/07/2023 21:52

I was going to say YABU.

However, I gather from what I’ve read is that it’s more to do with the fact her parents are being completely useless in trying to resolve the matter. In which case YNBU. It’s not normal behaviour from an 8 year old, you’re right, she does need to see a doctor or something- she must be exhausted going to school! It can’t be good for her development, and it certainly isn’t good for any adult having to live with her.