Stepdd doesn’t sleep, fair to ban from sleep overs?

[Jeffersdya]

Stepdd is 8 and doesn’t sleep through the night.
She wakes every 2 hours and will play with toys/read a book to then run wild around the house until she falls asleep again on the spot, then repeat.
She does this regardless of where she is sleeping - either at my house with her dad and I, at her grandparents house (dp parents who will no longer have her for this reason) or at her house with her mum.
Despite being told to stay in bed and be quiet, she won’t. I’m at the end of my tether being woken non stop, as I’m such a light sleeper I can’t settle until it‘s quiet and she’s definitely asleep. It’s causing arguments between dp and I because he won’t set firm boundaries about this and makes excuses to avoid telling her off.
I’ve suggested it may not be behavioural but health related, and she needs to see a doctor. Cue abuse from dp ex for suggesting such a thing.
I’m fed up with hearing excuses when an 8 year old should be able to sleep in bigger stretches than 2 hours and should know it’s not acceptable to disturb others in the night.
I’ve now refused for her to sleep at my house again unless help is sought and the issue is resolved. I’m being bombarded with messages telling me I’m an awful person and I’m bullying stepdd, from dp ex family. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to sleep a full night in my own home and expect boundaries and respect from dp to ensure that happens.
Now I’m doubting myself and that I should put up with it because ‘it’s what kids do’.
What’s your take on it?

YANBU
reason
DP isn't seeking any type of possible solution / reason why it's happening.

If you can't make suggestions and DP won't listen then this is the only thing you can do. I'd make it plain it's not DSD s fault but her dad's inactivity.

It's not the father's house. Grow up and RTFT.

@Xrays i was thinking exactly the same thing.

☝️👍🏻

If it’s the dads house too then you are totally U and an actual fairytale evil stepmother. If he’s just a boyfriend and lives elsewhere then I think avoiding sleepovers on the nights he has his child is sensible for your sanity but in either case it’s likely she needs medical/professional help and her parents are neglectful if they don’t try to help her with this.

As her dad, he can take her to the doctor, he just doesn’t want to do it.
Her parents can bury their heads in the sand but the only 1 really suffering long term is the child.
Some people don’t like labelling their kids but in all honesty it sounds like they don’t want to deal with the “embarrassment” of having a child that’s not “normal”.
I say that with the greatest respect. I have a family member who ignored concerns from school and family about their child. During covid they couldn’t cope with the lack of routine, the child was diagnosed as autistic at the age of 17 and lost out on so much help.

I would also ask about this behavioural pattern and it’s effects on the child’s education too! Medical enquiries and doctor appointment sound crucial at this age. My middle stepson was high maintenance ADHD and he never behaved like that. Good luck to OP!

Holland and Barret have an amazing magnesium and calcium syrup for kids. Works like magic before bed for those restless kids. Usually there is a nutrition aspect to poor sleep and usually it is down to low magnesium levels.

I have Autism and what you described is me. Girls are often overlooked with autism because symptoms can be so well hidden. I am 42 and still only sleep 2 hours a night.
As an autistic I'm asking you niy yo give up on her, an autism diagnosis may scare some parents and they may be reluctant to search for answers but give her a chance. The first thing you need to do is make clear rules. Clear boundaries regardless of what they are in other people's homes, make some for yours. A list of things she can do when she wakes and a list of things she can't do. Such as

Do. - Sit and read a book
Do. - Play a quiet game
Do. - Ply on tablet (with sound low)
Do. - watch TV with sound low (Give a maximum volume as to what's acceptable)
Do. - Play with Lego
Do. - Stay in your own room unless you need the bathroom
Etc.

Don't.- Come into anyone else's room
Don't.- Go downstairs
Don't. - Play noisy games
Don't. - Turn volume up on tablet or TV
Don't. - Run around
Don't - Disturb anyone else
Etc.

Then have consequences and rewards for each one. If she stays in her room all night reward her with something she enjoys, a treat or something. Don't focus on sweets they have little effect. Maybe some time baking with you, etc. If she doesn't take away something that means something such a tablet etc.

Trust me it worked with me, I learnt to to stay in my room and entertain myself. I still do despite being married with my own son, who I had to teach the same way.

But stopping her staying over just teaches her she is doing something wrong and right now there's no clear cut boundaries or consequences for staying in her room.

Of course the exs family aren't happy as it gives them a break from it whilst she's staying at yours! What a nightmare. I'm exhausted just imaging it.
If there aren't any boundaries set to deal with this at her mothers home then it obviously isn't going to be any different elsewhere. Boundaries like if she wakes then to just play quietly in her room. One ofvthose clocks with the rabbits faces and when the ears in a certain position then that's when she's allowed downstairs etc.
I don't think you're being mean, it's become your problem when it shouldn't be.

Lazy parenting by both parents, as seems sh3 hasn’t had boundaries put in place, and has been allowed to set her own bedtime routine. Your DP should get his own place, even if he rents. It doesn’t seem to be the right time for you to live together, because he needs to be there for his daughter, even if that means he has his own place for them to sleep when he has her, and then could stay at yours on the nights when he doesn’t have her. She’s his daughter, and he has to focus on sorting out her behaviour by co parenting with her mum, which he obviously isn’t going to be able to do by living with you full time.

You have discussed it with DP. He's not listening. So you are free to make your own decisions to re your own house. If the world and his dog is upset with you, too bad. It's your house. Your sleep. Your call. Someone who doesn't respect those very reasonable boundaries isn't a nice person.

Why are both parents refusing to get help? Surely it will be better for everyone.

The OP is the owner.

And the only one acknowledging that the child has a problem that needs looking at

It's not her child.

It's not her boyfriend's house.

She has no responsibility, the child's parents do. Unfortunately they are neglecting her.

It’s so annoying when posters are so desperate to lay into the OP and pen her as an evil stepmother, that they neglect to read the whole thread.

Or do I mean embarrassing? Embarrassing, for them.

My daughter is on 2mg slow release melatonin because she has inattentive ADHD (busy mind rather than busy body) and this helps her stay in a sleep state.

What a surprise! Many posters quick to demand OP moves out of HIS house- notwithstanding it is OP's house.

I am fairly new to MN, does it really mean many women on here are kept women with no house of their own?!? What a stereotype that without needing to read ( as it is well ingrained in their brains) OP's post mentioning clearly that it is her house, that time after time posters just jump in with the well rehearsed stereotype and prejudice that OP, as a woman, must be living in a man's house.

Quite disappointed, to be honest. What are you (those posters) teaching your daughters? Men own houses you look after babies (including step-babies at all cost)?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. The ex’s family is quick to tell you that you have no say in parenting but expects you to shoulder part of the burden. They are being totally inconsiderate of you. Maybe these family members want a break themselves & welcome the child staying at your house so they can get a night’s sleep. If they are going to exclude you from having a say, why do they expect you quietly suffer? These people are looking for a mug & are not taking responsibility for their child. No one should be expected to put up with other people’s children’s problems, then when you voice concerns, you’re told you don’t have a say. It’s extremely difficult for partners to come into the picture when there are kids from other relationships involved. You are important too. It’s an important lesson for parents to understand that not everyone will put up with their children running riot & impacting other people negatively - even if that is not the child’s fault. It’s not yours either. The parents need to be more understanding & considerate & step up & take responsibility for their child. This is not good for anyone

You don't live together. Dad has his own place which is not suitable for over night visitation. He needs to do something about that. He can't be relying on his girlfriend facilitating his contact time.

Not unreasonable either way! Op needs a nights sleep and she doesn’t live with stepchild. Not her problem.

Definitely a medical problem. (I have a child the same age and other children)

Well then both her parents should see if there’s anything medical going on shouldn’t they. Why should op suffer sleepless nights if neither of her parents are willing to find out if there’s a medical reason for her not sleeping?

It’s embarrassing for you that you don’t understand that people don’t have the time to read a 14 page thread and that OPs shouldn’t drip feed

@CM1897 you can highlight OPs posts, which makes it possible to read the thread quickly.