Do you think you subconsciously judge other mothers' with 2+ fathers to their children?

[mysavinggrace123]

Could potentially have three children by three different fathers. (Already have two by two)

This isn't particularly something I would shout from the roof tops.

There is a part of me that feels I would have a tarnished reputation.

I mean, do I judge women with 2+ (children) fathers myself...?? Hmmm... I can't say I do, but I have definitely been 'surprised' by a few women who I would have never expected.

What do you think?

I have NO idea why some women keep having more and more children with each new partner. I know quite a few women actually - one is a cousin of mine - who have 3 or more fathers to their children. (Cousin has 6 kids/3 fathers,) One woman is 43 and has just had her 7th child to a 5th father. I mean, fucking HELL.

I do judge and I WILL judge. Some 'blended' families have 4 or 5 different surnames FGS.

I remember Andrea McLean once saying (on Loose Women) 'we women with kids with different dads are UNIQUE families. THAT's what we are.'

LOL no you're not. A UNIQUE family is one where the couple is married, and they have 1 or more children together and all the children have the same 2 parents! Nothing 'unique' about having multiple fathers to your children!

I think there are valid reasons for the judgement too.

• Contact arrangement with various siblings and grandparents
• rivalry between siblings where one has more contact over the other and managing those feelings of abandonment if one doesn’t see their dad but 2x siblings do
• Capacity for involvement of the absent parent
• how that involvement might affect the lives of their children’s siblings
• ability of mum to judge character

This post shows a lot of unpleasant bias. As far as I can tell no one sets out to have multiple marriages/ relationships but it does happen. Being a good mum is down to who you are not your relationship history. Think about how hurtful your comments on here could be.

I really hate to say it but I agree. I’d also judge men hard and I’m still reeling that we had a PM with 8 children to around 5 different women - we let him run the country FFS.

Sounds like a logistical nightmare too in terms of contact arrangements. One is hard enough, imagine having 3 to organise!

It had never occurred to me there was anything unusual or to 'judge.'

My siblings and I are from three separate fathers (my mother had a few boyfriends in between, but no children with them as they weren't long-term), so perhaps that's why it seems normal.

But being a good mother is about making good choices - and bringing men and babies form new men into the family again and again can be damaging for children.

It’s just nature against dysfunctional relationship patterns

Exactly, I do judge the men too. These men may have other children. Think of all the children and how they are present in each others lives. It’s quite confusing - my half brothers, half brother etc. imagine keeping up the arrangements for them all to see their dad equally and forge a proper relationship. It’s hard work.

Yes. I'm really shocked reading that people would 'judge' women in this way. I thought that was common in narrow -minded religious communities in the 80s, but not nowadays.

Easily shocked then aren't you? 🙄

And yeah I DO judge men too. On the show 'first dates' the other week, a man came on, and the first thing he said was 'I've got 3 kids with 3 different women' and I instantly judged him. Especially as he kept banging on about it at every available opportunity as if he was proud of it. 🙄

It’s not a good or enduring web, neither of them is with you anymore.

Generally, it looks like a triumph of optimism or naivety, or a lack of commitment to contraception and responsibility.

And we can’t all have everything we want just because we want it. You’ve brought two children into the world. One splits their time between two households, one only has you and presumably knows their father buggered off while their sibling’s dad is still around. Both rely on you for stability. The second one has had two dads leave. Focus on them.

Knowing a lot of chaotic families where many kids have multiple and probably absent dads doesn’t mean it’s okay.

I can hardly get my head around this , the children all having different relatives , how do you keep up with it all ?

Are you new to the internet?

Age isn’t the problem. Doesn’t matter if someone is young or old, but it’s the idea of having 3 kids by 3 fathers that people raise an eyebrow at.

Yea, I do judge. I just feel it’s messy for siblings to have different fathers. It leads to so many issues. And if men go about doing that with different women it means they grow up in different households.

A hurtful comment online can be upsetting, but for children to have an unstable family life (multiple men in and out of their lives) is truely damaging.

Honestly yes, but mostly for the unavoidable impact on the existing kids. It's not necessary to have a child in every relationship.

I feel exactly the same about Men dashing about having kids in every relationship too. More so, if anything.

That’s where the foundation is laid for a chaotic lifestyle, as many of the basic relationships are already fractured. I think this judgement is a fair observation. Why has mum/dad continued to have children in the face of these obstacles, where may not benefit the child or children she already has. It’s another set of grandparents and extended family. There is so much to manage if you want the children to see their extended family.

Saw recently that Natasha Hamilton has 5 with 5 different fathers. I did judge. It shows she isn't good at judging potential men. She doesn't know what commitment in a relationship is & shows there is no stability for her children.

This is your child's father for life with all the repercussions that's brings

100 times this. I don't have kids, because the circumstances in terms of finance and father weren't right until it was too late. My loss, but I'd rather that than willingly have saddled a child with a loser of a father.

Who you are as a person and your relationship history can go hand in hand though. When your eldest has already lived through their own parental break up, followed by meeting your new partner, welcomes a new half sibling into the mix and then being around through the drama and upheaval of watching it all fall apart, your first thought as a decent human being and parent is to shelter them from being in that position for a third time in their short life, not finding a new man to give you your 3x3.

I can't answer for everyone, but the automatic assumption it's not fair on existing kids to have one with a new partner isn't quite right I don't think - it really does depend on the circumstances.

Having children is never 'necessary' - it's just some people choose to do it.

I can see all sorts of well-intentioned reasons for having more children. It's much like desire to have a kid with the first partner. You love each other, and it's a natural response to want to procreate and make a baby together. You simply like the idea of a bigger family and feel the existing children will welcome it. You don't want to deny the dad the opportunity of being a dad themselves rather than just step dad. All sorts of reasons, plenty good.

Am not advocating for it- just it's not 'wrong' every time.

Environmental reasons is a whole other kettle of fish!!! :)

Some 'blended' families have 4 or 5 different surnames FGS.

TBF we had a period of about 18 months where the 3 of us (2dc who have the same dad and me) had 3 different surnames. I guess to the outside world it looked like a really complicated blended family/multiple dads situation. But it wasn't.

No I don't judge anyone for that.

Yes, I do judge, but it's based upon my own experience of people I know who recklessly pop out children without any thought to stability or how they're going to provide for them. They haven't even considered the idea of sticking with the men long term. They want a baby, so they have one. Like it's a new pair of shoes or a bar or chocolate. No further thought goes into it.

Having seen this among family members / friends, I grew up absolutely determined this would not be me. I left it late to have kids because I had to be very sure about the quality of their father and I put a lot of thought into whether we could provide them with a stable and happy upbringing. Not saying this makes me a saint but I do strongly wish more people would put more thought into the process. Should he and I split up, I would not have any children no matter the circumstances. I'm sure enough about this to have been sterilised.

The thing is, having kids isn't an imperative. There are, believe it or not, ways to avoid it. I do question the judgement of those who do it. It's all about circumstances and I haven't ever come across any families with multiple fathers where I have felt impressed at the set up.

This is exactly it.

My SIL has 3 x 3, her eldest is now an adult and I’m very close to her.

She went through hell dealing with her parent’s break up. Then stepdad no 1 comes into the picture, sister is born and then a repeat of the hell happens when her mum splits with him too. Then SIL gets pregnant after a month by bloke no 3 - so not only did my niece have the trauma of 2 break ups, she’s now living with a stranger that her own mum barely knows because her mum doesn’t believe in abortion and they decided to ‘give it a go’. What we now have is a wonderful young woman who was already racked up 2 dysfunctional relationships, had a heap of trust issues and a therapist on tap. She has confronted SIL who simply said “What was I supposed to do?!”. I dunno, make better choices, use condoms, not destroy your existing 2 kids’ lives to have baby no 3?

This is why I judge hard - I don’t think k my nieces feelings are atypical