Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

Does the job actually require 3 day office working or is the CEO just a knob?

I think for just one overnight a week I'd tell him to go for it on the basis he only starts doing that once he's got the new role.

I would support my dh taking the job if he wants to do it. The commute is the only barrier. Sounds like it's a good deal with salary, hotel costs and half travel. I'd use the additional money for help at home- cleaner, nanny etc. I'd also be asking for money to put into your pension and personal savings.

I think it's probably a bit of both...he's one of those old fashioned types who thinks "collaboration" needs to be done face to face but also appears to think it doesn't require him to actually be in the office.

Having read this update:

Yes, I would support my DH taking this job (if I was in your situation).

but I don’t think that you should further reduce your warning potential.

I would outsource as man of the domestic jobs as possible, potentially invest in some additional wraparound child care and continue working (if I was you).

but I am - quite obviously - not you.

you and your DH need to decide what’s best for your family.

If you don't agree and he doesn't apply for it he may be resentful down the line. Or has he considered 4 days in office? Monday set off to work, work couple extra hours, stay on hotel, work Tuesday then leave couple of hours early to get home, Wednesday work from home, Thursday go into office work couple of extra hours stay overnight in hotel then Friday work, leave a couple of hours early to get home. Your DC could see their Dad Monday morning, Wednesday evening, Thursday morning and Friday evening. 4 days almost easier than 3 days plus it will impress his new CEO too.

I used to work away 3 days a week and my DH took up the slack at home. Previous to that his career had been prioritised while I was on maternity and the couple of years after I returned. I don’t feel like either of us missed out, it was what we needed to do with the opportunities that were available to us.

Given the update on costs then yes, I would say he should take it. This is a good career move. You could treat it as a project - give it, say, 2 years but with reviews at regular intervals before then.

After a couple of years he will have a track record at the higher level and will then be in a good position to look more locally at the higher level.

@overitunderit just read your update. Red flag time.
As I suspected, the CEO is dangling this promotion as a carrot to get your DH in the office more. If he agrees, there is no guarantee that he will be promoted nor will it stop the CEO pushing for more office time.
But it doesn’t sound as if the CEO will take kindly to your DH refusing. An obsession with presenteeism is a sign of toxic management.

I suggest your DH plays nice with CEO and agrees to 3 days per week in the office. You run it as a trial for your family and see how it works. And your DH actively looks for a new job.

It's not necessarily old-fashioned to want someone to be physically present for collaborative work

You accuse others absurd for their views, yet you post the most absurd assumption on this thread.

Brilliant 😂

A LOT of CEO's and company ELT's are trying to drive workers back into the office, this isn't new news and it is not necessarily a red flag.

Part of leadership is about being present and people seeing you walk the walk, if someone in my team wants promotion and there is a chance it may be available, I would be advising them to be present more, particularly if that is one of the company objectives/goals.

My client moved to a 2-3 days in the office after covid and are now moving to a 4-5 day in the office and this is a major talking point across my industry (Global Corporate Real Estate).

@Desperatenow1 isnt that because it is corporate real estate? Real estate companies need people back in offices. But that doesnt necessarily mean businesses in general need people back in offices.

Nope, the company I work for provides Corporate Real Estate services to the world's largest company's - they are our clients. We stay ahead of trends and market data and the movement across the leaders in our client base is very much a return to office.

And a return to office not necessarily for CRE reasons, i.e. space occupancy, but for a variety of business collaboration reasons.

There are all sorts of different hybrid and different work practices in play and yes clients are more open to these types of approaches, but there is no doubt that lots of Global corporates want people back in, to some degree.

Friend in a similar position hired a nanny for the 3 days she worked. Pre-covid her husband worked away 4 days and only had Fridays wfh. It worked v well as she was able to focus on her career and had moved up herself. The only challenge is to find a really good nanny. She was lucky I guess.

Which assumption do you consider absurd, Desperate?

@AmaDadnotamum Absolutely loads of jobs pay this kind of money. Heads of HR, car and property sales, plumbers, accountants, business owners etc. Bet you wouldn't turn it down if it was available to you.

I don’t ‘let’ my husband do anything. We discuss issues as adults and reach a joint agreement. Why are you infantilising yours by making out he needs your permission as if you’re his Mum? If he’s going up from £140k a year to £200k a year presumably he’s got a brain in his head - and doesn’t need you to patronise him. If a husband posted about ‘letting’ his wife take a promotion he would be savaged and she would be told to LTB. Why are you moaning about him actually having to turn up at work? For that money, his employer can expect him to show up. Surely on such a big salary you can afford paid help. Or here’s a thought - why don’t you move nearer to his office? On that money you could afford anywhere. Even London. Get a life.

Oh my God, I can imagine the responses if a man said “should I let my wife take this job”…

I don’t think permission is an acceptable word to use. You don’t get to give or deny permission. He’s not your property.

@CantFindMyMarbles @masterblaster oh for goodness sake plenty of people have worked themselves into a lather over that turn of phrase much further down the thread. Do keep up ladies. The rest of us have moved on with the conversation.

Yes, I think we have all moved on from your dilema.

Or, people can discuss toxic females without people like you thinking your opinion is the only one that matters. If you can handle others opinions get off of Mumsnet. It’s clear from all her comments she’s got an immense sense of toxic femininity. But hey….you can move on. People aren’t interested in your piousness.

@adriftabroad Yeap