Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

This doesn’t work. If I was about to offer someone a new role, especially a promotion with more money and more responsibility and they told me they couldn’t fulfil the in office requirements because they didn’t live close to enough to the office/had other commitments then clearly they don’t want to do the role enough, aren’t committed, they would not be the right person for the role.

Instead I’d offer someone to do it who can do the 3 days a week. Especially if it’s a senior role it’s important the leaders and seniors are in office to set a good example.

The first three years we were married, we only lived together for half of it. The rest of the time we were apart for career reasons, saw each other once a fortnight.
When our 4 childen were very small DH worked 16 hour shifts, 2 days one week and 3 the next. On work days he didn't see the children; the bonus was that on alternate weeks he spent 5 or 4 days at home to share childcare and free me to work. It worked very well when we were young and energetic.

Decades later, children flown, planning early retirement, we moved to an offshore island; every week he spent 3 days 2 nights away at work and worked 1 day a week from home.That also suited us both fine. I worked on days he was away.

Those are just some of the non-standard work/home balances we've had. We took chances, seized opportunities, and made it work for us. We've had a long fun marriage. For us, it's it's accommodated our individual needs for time alone AND a partner AND children AND work. It made us very flexible, adaptable; expert organisers, highly reliable, focussed; and those mind and skillsets are so highly desirable to employers, they were just as accommodating to us.

That's an incredible insult to those that look after you in retail, hospitality and health care. How entitled are you

In days gone by, perhaps, but absolutely not now. I see this bandied around a lot on here and it's just not true.

Like you we've had a roller coaster ride work wise. From industry to hospitality, to construction. Along the way being small holders. It's been a seat of the pants ride but it was fun. The only constant was sailing which the kids loved.

It's not just about being in the office to set a good example. When you're in that sort of role you get people wanting to pop in to ask all sorts of questions etc and also high up management meetings too. It's easier to be in the office.

Of course you should "let him" (can't actually believe I read this in the title)

My husband has never "let or not let me" climb the career ladder as long it is what I want and we can make things work with both of our careers.

Echo this, I have a team of 150+ and whilst I am very flexible as I have a lot of flexibility myself, I wouldn't tolerate a senior manager at that level saying they couldn't come into the office 3 days a week, just like I wouldn't accept someone saying they couldn't travel abroad periodically or join a conf call late in the evening. If they at that level then they need to be flexible, be seen and be available when needed, without me having to ask or spell it out to them.

Because the majority of people don't work in the environments and at the levels we are talking about.

£60K tax free into your pension every year would be a good start if you can't think of anything else to spend it on.

No they don't, you're quite right, but that still doesn't mean that everything is negotiable. In the OPs case we don't actually know why her DH is required in for that extra day but it's doubtful it's just to show his face. I've been in business for over 30 years and the 'just play hardball' attitude is just not, in my own opinion, the way people do business anymore.

Is getting a nanny an option, since you have a pretty big income?

Also, if that was my DP Id be upset if he DIDN't take the job.

I know....

Read my messages properly. I agree that this isn't something that could or should be negotiated. If someone came to me with a "negotiation" like this at that level, I would seriously question why I thought they were the right person for the role.

I was saying the majority of people who assume everything can be negotiated are not working in the environments and for the salaries that some of us are.

There’s so many benefits to such a huge pay rise, I’d be inclined to find a way to make it work.
It can be hard having your husband work away during the week, especially whilst the children are younger, but you can find a way. How young are your children? Could you move closer to the job? Could you hire a cleaner or a nanny? Could you reduce your hours at work - but still keep working?
And finally, does your husband really want to take the job?

This is entirely dependent on the situation, so you cannot say it wouldn’t work.

We don’t know what skills he has- they could be very unique and hard to come by. Therefore it would be so tricky to find a replacement that they may agree.

Or they might consider it to be worth getting their preferred candidate as that’s the priority. And actually the thre days in office is a “nice to have”.

Until you ask you don’t get.

I know what you meant. It's awkwardly phrased but lots of us have husbands/partners where all decisions are made together about what is best for us all and you are just trying to gauge opinion about what others might think.
Fwiw, I would.
Yes it's tough to not see your small children for 3 days a week but realistically I work 13 hour days and, if my children were still young, I wouldn't see them even though I'd be sleeping at home. It's not so unusual and it's manageable.
That's a big pay increase and could enable you to save so that you can do other things which might mean that you get more opportunities
as a family in the future.
I would probably be fairly firm though that I expected weekends to be family time or dad/kids time if I needed a break.
And I think it would be reasonable to use some of that money to pay for cleaner/gardener/whatever made me feel less like a housewife or stopped us having to do jobs in family time.
But it sounds like a great opportunity and one which could benefit you all.

You can't have it all but he can... big job, big salary, kids, family support, wife at home who does everything...

You are a women.. behind before the race even started..

You had kids.. move down a level on the career trajectory

You went part time .. move down another level

You take on all of the home stress.. move down again

You will never get this career progression back.

No matter what you invest in extra help or support for your career... that ship has sailed.. you could pull out into the fast lane aut everything you have into your caeer but only if you walked out the door... hightailed it back to London and your husband supported this 100%

I cried when my husband was offered a similar job. Nothing is worth being away from him. We're all happier now he didnt take it. Work should never come before family IMO. Unless you desperately need the money which at that salarx you dont

OP said she doesn't want to chase big promotions though and wants to live by her parents and wants to be around for her kids.

So, respectfully, she is ticking quite a lot of the "what she wants" boxes.

Would they let him do shorter days on the days he does have to travel and work it back on the other days?

Like if he has to be there Mon - Wed, start later on the Monday so he can get a later train down, then finish earlier on Wed to get home earlier. Make up as much time as possible on Tuesday while he’s away, then a bit longer on Thurs/Fri.

I think it’s a no brainier. He takes the job, get some help around the house, if it doesn’t work out because of the distance he has that extra experience to add to his CV. It may be difficult at first but you’ll be surprised how quickly you will all get into a routine. (I was the highest earner and working away!)

My husband stays over in London each week. Started when my youngest was still up twice a night and as he had always done her bedtime it was a real kicker to begin with. But he's doing great with his work, it gives me an evening fully to myself (which is bliss some weeks) and the kids grow and get easier. We pay for a cleaner to come in 3 hours each week and that frees up my time for quality time with the kids.

Of course you should have a say in what your partner and coparent does with his career. You're in it together!

You don't "let" your spouse do things. Not ok at all! For that pay increase and career progression he'd be mad not to take it. You can afford to pay for help to keep the house ticking over. Equally, it's important that you continue your own career because I made that horrendous mistake. Don't be me.