Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

Get a nanny and none of those need doing

Full time nanny will cost considerably more than the pay uplift mentioned

Part time nanny who will do beginning and end of the day, but not in between, is pretty much impossible to find

I think the most persuasive argument for him taking it is that it gives him a better chance of getting something similarly senior local to us if he decided the commute was too much

I agree. So in your shoes, I might agree to it on the basis that 1) the extra money is spent on making your life easier/pension to offset any money you’re not earning as a result and 2) in 12/18 months’ time he starts looking at local equivalent jobs. And isn’t too fussy about whether they are quite as good as the London based job.

I agree with the comments around not allowing your own career to slide. Fully agree with focusing your time and attention on your children but keep your career ticking along if you can because not working really changes the dynamic in the bulk of relationships (in my opinion) it can leave you vulnerable and as you say resentful potentially as there will come a time when you perhaps will want something for yourself, to be somewhat of an equal, and you may need to rejoin the world of work at a much lower level than you are currently. I would support your husband if you can, if only to avoid the ‘what ifs’. Only you can really assess properly as you know your family of course but all the best!

I'd see it as a brilliant opportunity for your family, take a leap of faith
many people carry more when their partners need them to step up so they can forward their career

Im confused by your response as ive already stated mine pulls more weight than pretty much every Dad I know. But he also has a job that involves work away, but is in that job as it is pretty well paid (not OPs level) and its his Career he is doing well at.

Im trying to be positive for OP and to say that her situation really isn’t very unusual. Im sure plenty of her friends have either Husbands that work away, work weekends, work nights, work anti-social hours. Her situation actually doesn’t sound too bad for family life balance. They are also on the kind of salary that the things you mentioned (school drops off etc can easily be sorted with extra help if thats a problem around her own job). Shes adked for opinions and i’d say thats not a bad set up at all, given the extra money they will have to ease the load on her.

I cried when my husband was offered a similar job

Give me strength.

You said that having your husband not around 3 days a week really doesn't change anything about your family life. I think anyone who says that about their husband doesn't have one who is pulling their weight.

You've clearly done it for a long time and are used to it. I am used to having a husband who does 50:50 so he couldn't leave for half the week and I wouldn't notice.

Fair enough if I phrased it wrong - yes I have done it for a long time so wouldn’t bat an eyelid at someone telling me their DH was away for 3 days/2 nights. I only meant encouraging words that 2 nights away really does get alot easier once your kids start school. She might be in the baby/toddler years but they go fast so i’d take a short term hit of a few tiring nights (and take all the help she can if she wants it) for a long term career gain. It sounded as if she was happy with the extra time she would then be able to have with the kids too with less pressure on her to work.

If OP thinks her situation is unusual, I can think of plenty of families in our school where the partner works away significantly more, so I dont think she will be the odd one out having a DH that works away 2 nights a week.

I'm glad you are taking the absurd people questioning your use of "let him" with a pinch of salt, OP. I am amazed at the number of people who think a parent isn't obliged to talk to get their spouse's agreement if they want to do something that means they will be passing off significant childcare. I wouldn't want to be married to them.

It sounds like you've done a fair bit of thinking about the financial situation and what you might need so that it doesn't leave you picking up all the slack with no upside for you.

But one thing you don't seem to have considered is how well your marriage will weather separation. One spouse working away from home is a big marker for having affairs (and not just the one who's working away, it increases the likelihood for the person who's at home too). These affairs aren't simply about one person who was always "a bad egg" suddenly finding opportunity and taking it. They are a measure of how much stress this sort of arrangement puts on a relationship. Presumably neither of you are anticipating having an affair but affairs are just one possible visible outcome of the strain your relationship will still likely suffer. Spending time together is generally the way relationships develop strength and spending time apart does not, for the most part, make the heart grow fonder.

Is this what the two of you want to prioritize? Is your financial situation so bad that you need to risk it? Is DH pursuing better financial position personally important to him? More so than your relationship? Has he put any thought into how to minimize any risk to your relationship or is he just focused on this opportunity? What about you? Have you thought about how this might make your relationship weaker and how to mitigate that?

It's not all about 50-50 in a straight split though is it? It is obviously for you but others work to a different schedule. When my h was earning that amount of money I was more than happy to do a bit more of the cooking 😃. Different people, different situations and different ways of making it work.

You don’t need a nanny to do night wakings - just daily childcare and the £10k will match the difference between nursery costs and a nanny.

He’s already paying train fares two days a week so those won’t increase. It’s just hotel costs for a night a week and corporate rates can make a big difference - no one needs to pay rack rate.

It’s one extra day a week. He’s already doing two long days

Well quite - each partner doesn’t have to do 50% of all the tasks. As long as it works out overall it’s fine

You live in a world most people can only dream of. If this is your biggest problem I suggest you wake up and smell the coffee. What job pays 200k a year? What job deserves 200k a year? Ffs

Exactly - its wierd that anyone would suggest both parents can’t make it work well with one person having a few nights away. Also someone suggesting her DH would more likely have an affair with 2 nights away 🙄 (I wonder if they would say that to an armed forces family?). Mine must have 10 other women the amount he goes away then! 😂 Im pretty sure he’ll be enjoying a couple of decent nights sleep in a hotel, before hes back to helping as much as possible at home.

Every family is different and can make different situations work well.

Maybe I misunderstood, I thought this promotion meant an overnight, which would be new?

If he’s already staying overnight I wouldn’t have thought it was as significant a difference, though still likely to increase that risk.

Looking at immediate financial impact is short-sighted. It's where the promotion takes him in future ... and how he will be viewed if he turns it down....

Posters on MN say that sort of crap whenever there's a thread about people travelling for work, including to Forces wives etc.

There must be a severe lack of trust on here (when my DH is away, I just enjoy watching all the trash on tv before bed with no complaints) 😂

No he’s sitting for 6 hours a day on a train twice a week. But you’re right that weekly night in a cheap hotel will definitely make him cheat!

he's had it if he doesn't take the promotion, will have to look for a new job eventually.

I think he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. Bums on seats CEO is potentially only dangling the possibility of a promotion. Once OP's DH is coming into the office 3 days per week will it disappear?

Staying in or near the city is expensive. Premier Inn is £200/night. My experience is that corporate rates at the lower end of the hotel market don't make that much difference. 2 nights per week will easily become 3 nights with CEO wanting in person meetings first thing Monday morning or in the evening on the travelling home day. Honestly, some CEOs are like that. They got to the top by having a slightly bullying nature.

If the promotion is genuine then OP's DH is probably best advised to take it. Accept that it isn't going to be a great financial reward once all extra costs are taken into consideration. Better than now but not amazingly better.

One tip, if he is staying regular overnights encourage him to join whatever loyalty programme is available. He could easily earn enough to pay for family trips during the year.

I’m not convinced it’s a good move, he is already on a very big salary and do you really need the extra. …I’d stick with the current situation for many reasons. As someone alluded to it’s a risk of affairs I’ve seen it happen husband working away etc.

It's more a figure of speech. Replace 'let' with 'support' is what is meant.

Yes the new part is an overnight stay and an additional day at the office. He did used to stay overnight but due to how little our DC are it became unrealistic so he now does two long days which I think he finds ok (I think I would find it exhausting!)

In terms of the CEO dangling the new job the reason this has come up is because he's recently had a written appraisal where the CEO put in writing that he would like to promote my DH but that it would require 3 days a week. He has also said in the appraisal how brilliant he thinks my DH is but mentions about 5 times throughout that he wants him to do 3 days. Eg "how could X develop?" Answer: "by being in the office 3 days a week" 🤣🤦‍♀️

He's actually got a good deal with his work where they pay for him to stay overnight. Trains we have to cover 50% of so there would be no real impact on travel costs.

I do think that he may need to consider looking elsewhere if he doesn't pursue the promotion because the CEO will hire someone else above him and he would have no other promotional possibility and I think DH would find that difficult to cope with.