Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

But what she has described is actually very normal. I would say it would need alot of consideration if he was going to be away for weeks on end. Sorry if ive missed the ages of the kids, but once they hit school age, its either clubs or abit of chilling out after school, homework, dinner, bath and bed. As long as weekends are proper quality family time, I dont think a couple of nights away in the week will make too much difference to family life. Thats fairly normal for alot of people. Also, plenty of lower paid jobs (NHS for example), require you to work several nights in a row and sleep through the day, so its really not that different (except the decent pay!) 😀

But that is assuming that the OP would be doing everything anyway.

My DH does half the pick ups and drop offs and runs to clubs so it would have quite a big impact if he wasn't there to do it

Surely they could look at clubs on days he was there? Or limit clubs for a few years till the kids are older and everything is easier. Things like football/swimming can also easily be booked in for Sat/Sun morning. Ive had it alot harder with my DH working away, so coming in from a biased point of view here that I can only dream of it being just a few nights away.

Also, the salary increase would absolutely pay for extra help (cleaner etc) to free up quality family time.

Well the OP's children are much younger anyway.

But yes you could totally rearrange your family life around one parent not being there half the week but you were originally saying "oh it would make no difference if he was there or not" when that really only applies if he doesn't do anything domestically now.

For £60k-ish more I’d suck it up! No brainer!

Money isn't everything when you have plenty. There are many many people who manage to look after kids work and do other stuff while getting a minimal income. What on earth do you think single parents do?. Is the OP less capable than others that she is unable to do what thousands of other women do daily but without money to buy in help?

I'd let him stay in London for the 2 nights needed each week. It seems pointless him traveling 6 hours per day as he wouldn't see the kids awake even if he did go home. It's much better for everyone if he was well rested on those days so that he would be able to take over housework/childcare, letting you have a proper rest at the weekends rather than the kids having 2 grumpy and short tempered parents because neither of them got any rest during the week.

£60k is closer to £30k after tax - around £2.8k/month. Premier Inn in the City is around £200/night and that is booking over a month in advance. By the time you add in dinner & breakfast (it's not going to be like he can bring a pack up from home for that time) you are looking at around £20k expense per year.

That leaves around £10k per year extra.

Is it still so amazing?

Could he flex some hours? Do a mega long day in the middle of the three and leave early enough to see the kids on day 3?

I'm amazed he does a six hour commute and doesn't just stay over now tbh.

Use the cash to get some support at home and enjoy the money.

It's not just the immediate salary increase though. It's what further promotions and opportunities it opens up.

200k .. I’ll do it!

The salary wouldn’t be that much of an increase though would it as he would pay approximately half in tax?

he earns a good wage, if it was 80 to 140k he should go for it, but 140 to 200 wouldn’t be as much extra for a lot of extra hassle for you.

Mine works away and does loads domestically when hes here - you can do both. When hes not working away, he does exactly what I do around my own job - school runs, clubs, dinner, helping with homework, housework, sorting laundry in the evenings, getting everything ready for the next day, DIY at the weekend. Surely on the days he was working normally at home, he would be there in the evenings to help so its really just taking a hit for a couple of nights? That would be balanced out by being on the kind of salary you can afford a cleaner/gardener etc which I would have if we could afford it.

We do it on a combined salary of nowhere near the OP, no outside help, no family help, no cleaner and it really is not too bad for 2 nights. There will be difficult nights ofcourse when the kids are ill and you’re all on your own, but it sounds like his job really wont affect family life too much. Having weekends off alone is a luxury so many people dont have.

Well no, it's not just the two evenings - it's not being able to do childcare drop offs 3x a week, not being able to do pick ups 2x, not being able to do anything if they are unwell, not being able to help with night wakings/early mornings.

He won't be able to do any of those things which he might well be currently doing

Hello OP,
I think you're getting ahead of yourself. As a couple, what is money for?
I say this as someone who has had dual big careers and I have given mine up (temporarily) to support my husband. We know that in our lives, experiences are the most important thing. It's what our lives are focused around -not a big house, car, etc, people are shocked when they see our house as its very modest. We focus on experiences and travel. That is ALWAYS factored into any decision we make, as we both love our jobs, and have had very fulfilling careers but our family experiences are more important.
If we have a set of values (if you could call it that) or pillars that are important to you as a family it makes it easier to access the situation and pros and cons.
The reality is, there is no wrong or right answer, just what is right for your family.
But, based on my family's values the extra 60k wouldn't offset the additional day, but we earn a fair bit of money and an extra 30k in our pocket a year wouldn't really impact our lives (I know I know, we are very privileged!)

Of course he should take the promotion! Think long-term; don't get bogged down in day-to-day logistics. Many people have careers that separate them a bit (or more, think forces deployments) and their marriages survive. Use the extra funds to contribute to your pension and hire household help.

As others have said, don't let your own career slide, just in case. But why wouldn't he try this giant leap? People who turn down big promotions generally get overlooked the next time something is available; don't have him be slotted as non-ambitious.

Get a nanny and none of those need doing

Take care it’s not move up or move out OP.

Statistically, there is a fair chance that he will leave you in five years time.
If he is then on 300 K, and you’re only 100 K, then you will have been well shafted. Perhaps time to get your retaliation in first, by refusing to let him take the job? That would be my advice.

Those are some spendy breakfasts and dinners you’re imagining there!

I wouldnt dispute that but:

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office.

It all smacks to me a bit of 'dance for me' by the CEO. I am a bit cynical of CEOs' promises.

You can look at it negatively or positively like I do. I do upto 2 weeks by myself, around a 4 day week job plus everything at home during that time. The key is a good routine and if OP is near family, take full advantage of any offer of helping out (we dont have that as not near enough).

If OP is not used to being on her own without support, keep the days he is away as simple as possible to begin with - no clubs, simple dinners, if one childs ill, ask family/friends to help out with the other child etc. Dont be afraid to ask for help and dont try to be super mum on those days, just keep it as easy as possible. Honestly, it really wont feel that bad.

I am genuinely happy that it works for you but for us (and it sounds like the OP too), it would change our lives substantially and that was the point I was making - you said it would make little difference to her family life which I suspect is because you can't conceive of a husband actually pulling his weight.

For the extra money it will bring in after tax and expenses, I don't think you could afford a nanny who would do night wakings, 5am starts etc..

After tax it's 30k, then likely at least 10k on hotels, then train fares, then meals..

Just coming on to say I think the phrase “let him” is entirely appropriate OP.

The default, when a couple has children, is that they are each responsible for 50% of childcare IMO - or whatever other division has been agreed. If either parent wants to take a course that will mean they can no longer do the agreed amount, then yes they need agreement from the other parent.

Just as if either partner wants to become a SAHP, they need the other partner’s agreement.

It seems to be universally agreed on MN that one partner can’t give up earning without the other one’s agreement, because of the increased burden on the other partner. I’m not sure why one partner significantly reducing their childcare/domestic contribution is any different.

Hardly! £200/night for the hotel (I checked) £25/day for breakfast & dinner. Not the lap of luxury unless you are expecting he should be settling for a pot noodle every night. £25/night for dinner is on the mean side of expenses allowances.

Having spent chunks of my career spending weeks staying in hotels I know just how miserable and unhealthy it can get.