Weddings in England - how are they so expensive?

[TheWayoftheLeaf]

I know I'm probably a dumbass. But I just got engaged (yay) to my partner of 9 years. I always knew weddings were expensive of course... but I didn't know HOW expensive.

I've started looking today at venues and to be honest it's just made me really sad. It's all so incredibly expensive. My cousins got married recently and now I'm in awe at the beautiful events they put on.

I suppose I never appreciated it before trying to plan my own. I have about £10,000 to spend. Which in my head was plenty (a deposit on a house in some areas for ONE DAY).

Anyway, I can get married in Cornwall, London or Yorkshire because of family and friends being split across the three. But every venue I see is most of the budget. Or if I find a cheaper venue then the food is oddly more expensive and takes it up to a similar amount. Thousands on just food (and of course all venues ban outside food or only their selected £££ suppliers). At this rate I'll have a venue and food, maybe flowers, and that's it for my £10k.

Does anyone know any nice venues in those areas? (Top of Cornwall not bottom so it's not too long for the rest of the family to get there). That don't cost so so much?

I know I could do the registry office and I've suggested eloping but my fiancé wants a wedding and my parents and siblings really want one because I'm the first to get engaged.

I'm really down by it all. It seems insane. The only wedding venues I don't really like are barns. They can be lovely but they're just not for me - I don't want to insult anyone's lovely weddings I just dislike them for me.

Any ideas? In my dreams it was a beach wedding, an orangery, a greenhouse, an elegant hall. I'd do a forest but with the UK weather that's obviously not possible.

Any advice or ideas?

You keep saying wedding on the beach.

You can't be legally married on a beach in England. What you could do is, do the legal bit at the registry office and have a beach ceremony with whoever leading proceedings then the after party wherever you like.

The only advice I have is to have the day YOU TWO want, not the day your parents would like.

If you do the registry and a ceremony separately, do tell people beforehand as friends of ours didn't and it pissed everyone off to find out they'd spent a load of time and money on what ended up being just a party....

Also have a good look at the registry offices around the locations you want - some of them are stunning, others are crappy offices. You might find one you love!

Have you had a look at hotels in the areas of Yorkshire which would work for you?

I found the hotels rather than ‘wedding venues’ were much better value for money.

Perhaps not £10k but if you have some concrete figures you can take back to family then that could be helpful.

Our package for our hotel wedding venue was approx. £9000 for 75 day guests and 20 extra evening guests. That included drinks reception with drinks and canapés, 3 course wedding breakfast with wine, evening buffet, MC, wedding coordinator, table cloths / chair covers, our accomodation for the wedding night.

Problem is fiancé wants the big wedding and he's paying for most of it. And I don't want my mum to be embarrassed by my wedding. Honestly it feels like it's a big family thing for everyone else. My dad to walk me, mum to me MOB, fiancé to have all his many friends there, sister to be a part of a wedding finally.

I want to give them everything they want. I don't really care about being the centre of attention or anything.

There are two things I want: 1) nature - trees or the ocean or a beach or a cliff or a greenhouse. I don't really want a cold room. But it seems that's expensive in England. And 2) My fiancé getting the wedding he wants.

If home doesn't have a deer park and croquet lawn, it's all a bit pretendy. Weddings never used to be like that.

If your mum and dad were working class it used to be a buffet in the church hall with a bit dancing and fun. If your mum and dad had a few more bob, the reception was often at a modest hotel and a bit more formal.

If your mum and dad had many bobs it was a marquee in the garden - half marquee and canapés If watching pennies, silk lined jobby with fancy chairs and a three course meal laid on by caterers. If in town perhaps a private club: Hurlingham, gentleman's etc, or a very grand hotel.

Everyone nowadays wants the day to reflect life in a stately home.

Ah, OP, it sounds like the whole thing is stressing you out a bit. Can you park it for now then sit down with your partner in a week or two and work out what’s important to you both, then go from there? Weddings can really bring out the zilla in all sorts of relatives and people can get quite het up. Fwiw, my wedding was not at all what my parents thought we should have had (and I suspect my dear gran never believed we were actually married since there was no church involved) but they still enjoyed it in the end!

Find out what venues are licensed for civil marriages - each borough should have a list online. Having the ceremony and party in one place helps cut down faff and costs, as can a late afternoon wedding (so you only have to feed your guests once). We got cake and simple bouquets fromM&S and made our own decorations. My dress came from a sample sale; DH’s suit was high street. A big saving was our venue didn’t charge corkage and we went to France for a carful of wine (brexit has probably scuppered option that now). Could you call in favours from any creative/musical/artistic friends?

Hopeyou manage to have a lovely wedding but remember it’s the marriage rather thanthe wedding that’s the important part.

Yes. They're all very expensive.

You need to tell your parents that the few £k they have given doesn't get the things they want unless they are happy to at least half family numbers.

My parents were working class and got married in the 80s in a stately home. They were raised so poor they didn't always have food. Then they got rich.

I didn't.

You've summed up my parents feelings.

If I get married elsewhere and have a party people get pissed off because it's 'not a real wedding'.

@piglet81 it is stressing me out. I don't know what to do.

Half of me wants to run away and just do it. The other half feels trapped into not being able to do that.

I can't afford the ideal wedding. That's the fact. Which with £10,000 is frankly mental.

My choices are 1) wait and get married in my mid 30s. 2) do it cheaply and have people unhappy with it being 'just a party'. Or 3) sell a kidney.

We found our parents had very little idea of the costs of things for weddings these days - it might be the same for your parents if this is the first big family wedding in a while.

I think you need to have a conversation about their expectations vs the reality of the wedding industry. It sounds like it just won’t be possible for them to have what they want (outside of whether it’s fair of them to place such expectations on you) on the money that there is. It’s not a case of you not budgeting hard enough, it’s just not possible.

Outside of fairness and whether you should be putting everyone else’s needs above your own, which are important points that you should think about, if they want the wedding day they’ve got in their minds, your parents need to contribute more financially.

Otherwise, I think you should be focussing on the things that are important to you and your fiancé which might be more achievable in the available money.

To be fair... I do have 2 kidneys.

Have a destination wedding/holiday. Your parents can pay to come along and any family/friends they insist on being there.

I was also going to suggest telling them you have an £8k budget and ask them to find 3 options and you'll pick.

They won't btw.

Have you looked at some photos of different Registry Offices OP? Some are beautiful and your DF could absolutely walk you down the aisle and a traditional white dress would be totally in keeping with the venue. Have a Google, if you're flexible location wise you'll most likely find something that looks wedding-esque as opposed to the more functional room you may be envisaging?

@TheWayoftheLeaf it wasn't possible to get married at a stately home in the 80s. If your parents got rich why aren't they paying or hosting at their home?

You'll get the wedding half price if you can do it this year and not on a weekend

I think Scotland is the cheapest place in Uk I'd go there

www.wentbridgehouse.co.uk/weddings/

Have a look here
It's lovely and not too expensive
Family run
I've been to a few weddings here and they've all been amazing

They got divorced. That's why. Theirs was a friends home.

Omg your health is so much more important than the wedding and anyone who doesn't agree isn't invited!

Wow those are excellent prices. Thank you so much!

Have a look at universities/ college.
The picture below is Bishop Burton college in east Yorkshire, you can only get married during school holidays. You can get married in the conservatory and have pictures in the walled garden for 3k, fits up to 50 guests. Then it says they have function rooms you can use, or move along to a local pub/ restaurant/ hall.

https://www.bishopburton.ac.uk/business-and-employers/conference-and-events-hire/functions-and-events

We went to a lovely wedding here: https://kingscrofthotel.com/weddings/wedding-packages/

It was a glass pavilion rather than a greenhouse but the bride told me they chose it because it was a much cheaper option and could fit their massive family so could work on both counts for what you want.

It's so close to my parents!! And it's excellent value for the packages. This may be the one!!