Friends taking our children to school?

[SprinkleOfSunak]

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

@SprinkleOfSunak have you explored extending your mortgage term? It might make things more affordable in the next few years until DC can get to school themselves. My lender lends until 75 if you're in a full time, salaried (so not temp etc) role.

Can you not find a childminder to do it?

Why did you up to 5 days without asking your parents first? Mine wouldn't do this and I wouldn't ask. It's way too early.

Is it that early for a commute? Maybe move them to a closer school or move?

I suspect your mum will drop a few days soon if she's not happy to do one more.

If this is real and not a reverse I have to say I think the level of cheeky fuckery is off the scale. Surely no one is that deluded about the impact of this even 4 days a week on the OP's DM?

As a Teacher, what do you think of parents who don't get their own DC ready for school?

Mortgages and childcare are stratospherically expensive right now for sure, but you have 2 reasonable incomes, don't need childcare in the holidays and your DM is already doing 4 days a week wrap around childcare.

You need to pay for the fifth day.

Can one of you earn money during the school holidays as both of you are around?

It does feel as if your DPs are gently saying that this is too much for them, never mind the extra day on top. They genuinely don't know if it's too much to ask a friend, but honestly it's not up to them to find a solution.

Not the point of the thread but does illustrate just how hard it is to combine teaching careers with having a family. Zero flexibility in terms of start times, no doing the school run around meetings whilst WFH etc. Could one or both of you change jobs? This clearly isn’t working.

Ten minutes, not ten miles!

10 minutes drive could easily be 10 miles!

If you ask a friend who doesn't get the school holidays off work, and offer to do some childcare then you would both be helping each other out hugely.

I work full time from home and was always able to do the school run in the morning. School holidays were a massive struggle (DS is 14 now so things are much easier). A long term formal arrangement taking someone else's child to school in return for some school holiday childcare would have worked perfectly for me.

It's unlikely. That would be 60 mph the whole way.

I would probably do it for a friend in return for summer childcare.
The 7am start is the killer though. I'd want the child to appear dressed and ready no earlier than 7.30 am.

You’ve built a life that doesn’t work.
Rather than desperately scrabbling around for wilder and wilder unsustainable ways to try and make it work, you need to start again. You probably need to move, the children will probably have to change schools and both of you will have to
consider your job situations. You have years and years ahead of you in this situation and there is no cavalry coming over the hill (except your poor Mum) to reduce your mortgage payments.

You also, and I’m being frank but I don’t mean to be unkind, need to grow up a bit. You need to take charge of this situation. You have two small children you need to take care of. “I applied for a nearer job but didn’t get it” well if getting a nearer job helps things at all you need to be looking/applying/job hunting every day. “I could drop the kids to my mums if I were more organised” well get more organised then!! Sort your shit out so you can drop the kids to your mums and help her a bit with the enormous favour she’s doing you! Come on love! It’s no good sitting around crying and feeling broken! Get your head together.

Clearly your parents have spoiled and indulged you and continue to do so, and I understand the temptation to let them carry on doing so, but you mustn’t. Sort your life out so it actually works.

OP I think the 5th day is the least of your worries here. You have got yourself into an unsustainable arrangement that is massively unfair on your parents.
What if one or both of them gets ill?
Are they ever able to go on holiday (in term time when most retired people choose to go)?

Without knowing the ins and outs of your day none of us can offer a solution. You need to think outside the box here I think.

Advertise for a before and after school babysitter a few days a week to give your parents a break and give you some flexibility
Look at your hours and your travel arrangements. It sounds like you get up, get yourself ready and go to work without doing any parenting.

Why do you have to take public transport, could you drive/cycle?
Consider a different school for your kids that has better options for wrap-around care.

I don't mean to be a doom monger, but your Mum is retired and right now if she takes ill you are stuffed for childcare.

I think you need to pay for a childminder before and after school. Get your name down for the before/after school club.

You've got the summer now to get something in place but I think you'll find lots are booked up now! You could get lucky though.

I feel for you as I'm a teacher but my mum would 100% do this for me if I needed it! Everyone's different though and in your situation id look to see what days the childminder has and ask your mum to do the rest. That might be the middle ground.

I really hope you're okay. No one on here knows your personal situation other than the facts you've shared, so just take it all with a pinch of salt.

Happy to chat if you ever need!

*My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.*

Maybe one of those families is also feeling the pinch? and they might be very glad to be paid a fee for that job.

I think you should pay someone to do childcare on the 5th day.

I’ve got a mate that always telling sob stories to me about how hard this life is. At first I used to help her but now I don’t because she is all ‘woe is me’ and completely oblivious to how to help herself. Every time we have a play date for ex she always arrives with her children (late) makes a great old mess, let’s me wait on her hand and foot and then just gets up and leaves without tidying up or asking her child to tidy up.

Also i think you need to take the load off you mum n dad .. do you for ex

1. instruct the kids have their clothes out the night before and then you wake them up and tell them to get dressed by themselves
2. put out breakfast in the morning for you kids so you parents don’t have to make it
3. enrol them in some after school clubs (cheaper ones) to shorten the hours your parents have to look after them

Like PP have said unfortunately you have to step it up a bit and also help yourself.

I would do this for a friend but they’d have to be dropped to my house completely ready.

Also, I’d definitely do it on the proviso you offered holiday care in return. But it’d have to be absolutely bullet proof and put in the calendar properly, not a ‘oh I’m sure I could watch them for a couple of day in October half term’

I think its reasonable to ask a friend with the offer of weekend / holiday care in return.
Just to throw in that if you go down the route of asking a friend to do school drop offs factor in contingency for if their children are sick/ have an appointment / take a term time holiday and can't take yours last minute. I appreciate breakfast club is expensive but you're also paying for consistency and not relying on people that may have to let you down due to life happening.
Hope you get it sorted , it sounds stressful.

I used to do this for a friend who worked shifts on a rolling basis which made getting childcare tricky. On weeks when she was working days she would drop her daughter with me around 7am, her daughter would play with my kids and i'd give them breakfast then take them to school. Because of her shift pattern she was doing one day and one night a week, so I would have her DD 5 days over 7 weeks. I didn't take payment from her but she would occasionally turn up with a bottle of wine.

I agree that expecting parents to do the school run every day is far far too much. No harm in asking a friend - especially if you can sell it to them as providing THEM with a week/2 weeks childcare during the school holidays.

If you ask a friend who doesn't get the school holidays off work, and offer to do some childcare then you would both be helping each other out hugely.

I would have jumped at an offer like this. If you are in any parent whatsapp groups, I'd put it out there to the group, and see what comes back.

Hi OP, I haven't RTFT but just wanted to reassure you that if you were my friend, I'd have your kids from 7am 1 morning a week, no problem.

We are up anyway as kids are early risers. Yes I'll be in my PJs when you drop I expect but so what? We walk to school every morning and could easily handle 2 extra.

This is what friends are for and there's no need to over-think it - just ask.

Wish you all the best.

If your mum feeds the kids and gets them ready now. do you expect a friend to give them breakfast drop off before 8am is a really big ask. Think you need to look at your and dh hrs. What time do you both need to start work? 7am for 35 min commute seems very early.

Your mum is an angel . She gets up super early 4 days a week , is at yours at 7, gets your kids dressed , breakfast , all ready for school, your dad goes on to work , your mum takes the kids to school on the bus and then bus back home ? Then does school pickup . Wow . I can see why she needs a rest .

OP has explained the timings already.

I would most definitely help my neighbour out and if you offered to have my kids for a day or 2 in the holidays then it’s a win win.

I must add I would want the kids dressed etc when dropped off just like a childminder.