Friends taking our children to school?

[SprinkleOfSunak]

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

Just wondering, do you think your parents might be okay with the five days if you could make it a little less taxing for your Mum? For example, if you get the kids up and dressed and drop them off at their house before you head to work? That way they would only need to feed them and then get them to school.

God yes! Your parents aren't just doing the school run, or even standard wraparound childcare - they are doing the gruelling parenting if getting children up and washed and dressed and fed and packed and out...it is a massive thing to ask. And to be honest you don't sound grateful, just wondering whether people can't do more for you.

It’s definitely a big ask BUT if you are really polite and offered to do a week or two of holiday childcare in return - that’s a really great idea from a PP - then I’d agree.

Good luck!

I don't think it is acceptable, I'm afraid.
Your DC are your responsibility.
No fecking way would I be at my DD's house at 7am doing the parents job for them. WTAF??

@AbacusAvocado
That’s a really lovely message, but no, I’m not the friend you are referring to.

What a lovely, supportive friend you are though. That gives me courage that mine may be the same!

@SprinkleOfSunak does your mum have to spend all day at yours then? You say your Dad has to drive past yours to work, so presumably he is dropping her off? She's already doing 4 days, that's a huge ask. Is she doing all this for free?

Is there a local childminder that does drop-off/pick up at the school?

I had my best friends kids two mornings a week from 8am for a few years, was no trouble as same age as mine. They got shouted at the same as mine to get ready! She has helped me in many different ways. I wouldn't ask my parents to do this every day or even every week as it's very tying if you are retired and want to do things. I g know plenty grandparents who find it a burden but can't tell their kids. Maybe look for a childminder or another person who needs some money who would come to your house. A Friend had an older lady from their church. She even made tea, worked perfectly for both parties as it was a job not a favour.

This. Really OP give your head a wobble.

Why 7am? I'd do this for a good mate, but 7am is too early. 7.30 perhaps, but not 7.

@Amonthinthecountry
That’s a great idea, and something I do from time to time when I’m more organised and have a bit more time in the mornings, but yes, I really should factor this in and do it everyday.

Could you put up an ad somewhere? Facebook? School what's app group. Asking for paid help. There might be another parent who'd be happy for the extra cash

If it's possible, you really should be doing this every day.

so if your parents have to be at yours for 7am then they need to be getting out of bed 6-6.30am everyday? I’m 46 and would not do that for my adult children, (although they don’t have children). I did years of school runs with my children being 5 years apart, there is no way I would go back to doing that as well as working. I am usually up at that time, but coffee, shower, check emails and get ready for the day in my own time I would hate having to rush out of the door every day for 7am, unless it was for work (paid). I don’t think your parents are unreasonable not wanting to do the 5th day. Are they not able to tag team, so one of them
does the school run 3 days and the other for
2? does it really need both of them each time? Or if not, a childminder 1 or 2 days a week, you have to cover the cost as a parent, I had to as a single parent with no contribution from their dad for childcare. It’s rubbish but I can’t see any other obvious solutions.

Our childminder starts at 7 and does school drop offs (we only use her for pick up though) she charges £12 per child per day for before or after school (tax free childcare registered too)

have you looked at a fixed rate for the mortgage to stop it going up and up?
DH and I both work FT, in not that well paid jobs (by mn standards, each around 35k) pay FT childcare for ds2 in nursery and afterschool for ds1 at childminder with mortgage etc on top - maybe a financial overhaul is needed too?

Your parents are doing a huge huge amount for you. Your poor mum is probably up before 6.00am to be with you for 7.00am from 10 miles away. I actually think what they are doing is already more than I would want to ask of my parents, so please find another solution.
However, if a friend wanted to drop their kids at mine once a week (I'm assuming more like 8.00 in the morning, not 7.00am?) then I would be very happy to walk them to school with mine.

Agreed with others, if dropping your kids at your mum's just requires you being a bit more organised then you should be doing it every day. That's pretty cheeky to have her coming to you. And if you show more thoughtfulness towards her she may resent the 5th afternoon a little less.

I dont think this is workable. Friends might do it for a one off or occasionally but aren't going to be taking your kid in if their child is ill etc.

I think you need to use the kids clubs and leave for work at 7.30 (what time do you currently leave for work/pick up?)

Or you need to pay a childminder. You can't use your parents like this and with 2 decent incomes you will need to take the hit on childcare like everyone else- at least you won't be paying for holiday childcare.

It's not great for the kids being at a friends house from 7 each morning either. Mornings are tricky times in most families.

Something has to give.

My issue with this, if you asked me, would be that my DC’s friendships have ebbed and flowed over the years. So sometimes they’d have liked the extra DC coming and others times they’d have complained.

My DC no longer socialise with the DC of my friends as they’ve forged their own friendships so I see them separately. Just something to be factored in as it might not be a solution that can continue for as long as you need it to.

@MumLass
She gets the bus to and from the school after my Dad goes to work, so she can go home.

My Dad works 3 days a week.

They're not even ready and dressed? Christ, that's taking the piss a bit, sorry.

The grandparents who are always there do the school drop offs and pick ups always look so worn down.

Just to clarify, it was not my idea to ask my friends. My parents told me to ask them, and they really expect my friends to help, as they perceive them to be in the same kind of boat I think.

I’ve been dreading asking my friends, as I don’t want to sound like a cheeky fucker!

When my kids were younger and I had this problem, I knew of a 18/19 year old girl who was taking a gap year before university. I paid her to come to my house at 6.50 and sort the children out and walk them to school. I paid her but it was less than a kids club and the kids loved her. For the right teenager, it’s a great job. They are finished by 8.30 and have a day to do what they want.

It looks to me that this is not really a childcare issue and that you have to re-assess loads of stuff. Maybe downsize house so that you can manage on 2 teacher salaries without the evening work and have enough to pay for long term childcare? Perhaps a move nearer to one or other place of work so that you don't both have to leave at 7am?
Relying so heavily on your parents means that, in time, the burden (and it seems like quite a big one) is likely to become too much after a time.
I know that's huge but you have a good few years of parenting in front of you and it may be worth sitting down and looking at long term options now.
Hope you work it out.

I think on money - it's really about the friends and their situation.

We aren't struggling for money so I wouldn't want money but we have no family support so an offer of occasional childcare, especially an occasional overnight would be very appealing

Longer term this is unfair on your parents even 4 days a week l. Being at yours at 7 and doing all the getting ready is hard work. And then at the end of the day.

A childminder/school club at 7.30 then drive to work will be much easier and maybe they can do pick ups? What time do you need to be at school? How far a drive are your jobs? Surely getting in by 8 is doable?
A friend won't get them up and get them ready...

People saying they'd help from 8 - op is currentlynsyaing 7.