Friends taking our children to school?

[SprinkleOfSunak]

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

That is an awful lot and a big commitment! How long is the commute to your/DH work and what time do you start work?
I'm not surprised your mum needs a break tbh! I would also search for a childminder or put name on breakfast club.

No offence but the rest of us get our children ready in the morning for school/nursery and get to our jobs.

You’re being over reliant on your parents & their friend. It’s really unfair on them. Your Dad drives you to work as well? Sounds like you need a smaller, cheaper house/flat.

Do you have a friend who's a parent at the school who needs a little extra money? Or is your budget too tight to offer payment? For what it's worth, I did this for a friend quite happily. But I was a SAHM so didn't have anywhere I needed to get to myself.

This. Your dad even drives you and your DP to work. Honestly you are taking the piss.

Is there nothing you could do with your hours? Start a little later but work after bedtime the night before to get stuff ready? Do you need to be in school that early?

@SprinkleOfSunak I don't think you sound like a cheeky fucker to a friend if you offer to reciprocate with childcare over the holidays, your friends might be delighted to have the long holidays covered a bit more.

You do sound like you are being a bit of a cheeky fucker to your mum.

I don’t think this is a childcare issue, it seems as though you need to make some radical changes. You simply can’t have a situation where you rely on your parents as much as you do - it’s unfair on them and unsustainable. You need to plan your working lives around your caring responsibilities, like everyone else does. You need to have jobs where you can afford wraparound care. This may mean a change of career or a house move, but this situation is simply unsustainable.

I am always happy to help out a friend but I would have to say no to someone dropping off their kids, in their pyjamas, at 7am. That’s just insane!

I don't think the dad drives them to work, I think the dad is driving in their direction towards his own work.

I usually have to leave for work at 7am, as it takes me 45 minutes to an hour to get to school. I have to take public transport. I tried getting a job closer to home, but I didn’t get the job.

If I don’t get a particular time train, I end up arriving at school 5 minutes before tutor time starts!

My Husband has a 35-45 minute commute. He could leave at 7.30, and I expect this is what he will have to do from September, but used to leave earlier so that he could arrive home earlier than me so that my parents could go home earlier.

I totally understand your situation (I have been there) but it sounds like realistically you need to really consider what you can do in the medium term so that you can afford paid child care.

From the sounds of it your DC will need before and after school care for quite a few years. If I was your friend I would happily look after them for a few hours and take them to school one day a week as a short term favour but not as a long term thing. I can also see why your mum is not so keen on being tied to school runs- it means that although she has retired she can't just go out for the day/go away for a few days in school term time when it's cheaper/have a lie in etc.
If this is going to be a longer term thing I think you really need to start planning for paid child care- either joining the waiting list for school wrap around care, finding a child minder or paying someone you know to look after your DC.
The only other option I can see (which a few pp have mentioned) would be to offer a friend an exchange of term time before school care for school holiday child care. But I can see that might not be as easy as it sounds- you'd need to be able to agree in advance (and commit to) specific days/times and I there's always the risk that it stops working for one of you and gets awkward.

The kids need to be up, fed and dressed, bags ready etc before anyone comes to collect them. It's ok (albeit amazing!!) of your parents to do this but you can't ask that of a friend. Even if that means kids up at 6am, that's what you do.

SprinkleOfSunak · Today 10:50
Just to clarify, it was not my idea to ask my friends. My parents told me to ask them, and they really expect my friends to help, as they perceive them to be in the same kind of boat I think.

I’ve been dreading asking my friends, as I don’t want to sound like a cheeky fucker”

You're happy to ask it if your parents, though?

Sorry but you’re expecting way too much of everyone. No-one wants someone else’s children from 7am each day. You need to find a childminder, as most working parents do.

No way could I do this for my adult children. Exhausting.
I also wouldn't have been happy as a parent / friend for other kids to be dropped that early too often.

I also wonder why it has to be 7am? Both you and DH must leave that early?

I wouldn't mind if you dropped them, fully ready, at 815ish to walk with mine. Can you and DH take turns doing this? That or breakfast club are the only real options IMO.

Plus take a look at your household budget & mortgage options to see if there are alternatives.

OMG the parents are doing the afternoons too. I thought it was just the mornings and that was bad enough.

God OP I don't know what you're going to do but you just can't continue like this.

If you need to work an extra day to not lose your house then you have a much bigger problem. 2 teaching salaries, you must be on at least 60k. There must be room in your finances to afford a childminder. Surely you can cut back somehow? Your parents cannot provide childcare every day that you work until your children are teenagers.

Your poor parents coming over at 7am! They probably thought they'd be enjoying their retirement by now!

Can you talk to your bank, see if you can get a mortgage break/extension to keep costs down?

I think the same, this is a massive commitment from them, and very restrictive for their own holidays etc as surely they have to be around during term time. I couldn't ask this of my parents. I think you need to look at a paid childminder, I can't imagine two full time teachers can't afford this.

This has left me a bit gobsmacked tbh op.
Has your husband or his family offered any help, your parents are seriously put upon, I feel very sorry for your mum especially.
There must be a local childminder that does drop offs or pick ups?

Could you work a different job doing school hours on a Friday? So you can do drop off and pick up.

I think you should have sorted your childcare before you decided to do extra hours at work.
It's a huge ask of your parents and a huge ask of your friends.
My friends and I have always helped each other out when needed with childcare before/after school and in the holidays but it's been ad hoc or a solution that supports both of us in turn. Equally 7am is too early. I teach, I know it's early starts but you and your husband can take turns to be slightly later to school or leave slightly earlier to ease the burden on those helping you.
It's hard, I hope you find a solution but the only sustainable long term solution is paying for childcare for us- no local family and all my friends also have busy lives so I can't expect to use them for regular childcare in the same way that I could not reliably offer regular childcare to them.

Yep a friend one day a week isn't the answer here. And your parents can't keep doing this.

It sounds like you've just outsourced the morning/childcare on general to your parents and this is isn't right.

I think this is a wake up call. You need to find 7.30 start childcare ASAP for September as a starting point. And childcare aftershock that will last til you get home. Beg the school for a place (although this is late) on their childcare or arrange a childminder. But this needs to be sorted ASAP.

And if your mortgage isn't possible on 2 ft teacher salaries you need to look at that too tbh...

hmm, could you offer some holiday childcare in return for drop off?

Your parents are coming to your house everyday at 7am, your dad then has to go to work and your mum then gets the bus home? This is crazy - and YABVU to describe your mum saying she doesn't want to do this as "refusing". You need to get your shit together and look at your finances and organisation of who needs to be where and when. You are giving me very flakey vibes and if i was a friend i would be very wary of any offer from you to help in the summer because you sound like someone who would over promise and underdeliver - but claim to have very good reasons why, whilst ignoring the chaos/stress you are causing everyone else.

I've done pre school care for friends twice, each time for months. I got a cheap bottle of wine fromnone mum, and a regifted candle from the other for it.
I won't do it again. And I only had 1 extra child for max of 30mins and then walked them to school. 7am would be a total no from me.
Ask your friend for 1 day, but make a real offer of babysitting or holiday care and stick to it.

WHAT does that tell you though? The woman is bloody struggling. She has to get up at sparrow's fart in the morning to get to your house for 7am to get two small kids up, dressed, fed and brought to school and then pick them up after and mind them till you come home and you want her to do that 5 days a week? It wouldn't be so bad even if you were dropping them to her for for your Mum to get out of bed so early every day to come to your house is too much of an ask. It's taking the piss. She has asked for one day off and you still expect her to pick the kids up on that day. Honestly that is CF territory.