Friends taking our children to school?

[SprinkleOfSunak]

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

Can you not use a childminder ,maybe 4 days a week is to much to ask of your mum ..
perhaps a childminder would be better .
yes I know it’s more money ,but everyone is in the same boat

Sorry OP to be harsh but you need to get a childminder and examine options.
Many mortgage lenders are now offering 6 months interest only or extension to term without it effecting your credit score. A lot of childminders are also registered with childcare tax scheme.
It's completely ridiculous that your parents have been doing this as long as they have.
Keep applying for jobs closer by but you need to look at financial options as well to change this. It is completely unreasonable and unfair.

Sorry, haven't read thread, but you could try to get school to organise your PPA in that morning slot?

Have you got a school what’s app group for either of the children
if you have I’d ask on there ,and say happy to pay £10 a day or whatever or say happy to do it as a swap childcare wise ..

That’s a great idea, and something I do from time to time when I’m more organised and have a bit more time in the mornings, but yes, I really should factor this in and do it everyday

If all that is required is for you and DH to get more organised, then you really need to do that! Your mum has to organise herself to be at your house at 7am!

Although if your mum lives a ten minute drive away and your dad has the car, how will she bring the children to school?

I agree. I understand things are tough for you, OP, but what your parents are already doing is insane. You're coming across as very entitled.

Then sell the house, you can't force your parents to do this it is unbelievablly unfair your attitude

What was your plan for childcare before you actually had kids? Surely you couldn't have just expected your mum to have them every day for eternity so you could work your normal hours?

I really feel for you because it sounds stressful and difficult!
But realistically, either you or your husband needs to not work as a teacher full time.
Your arrangements are not sustainable. Your parents are doing this reluctantly and you're searching around for the goodwill of friends, or having to pay, which is sounds as though you can't afford.
If one of you can find an alternative daytime job, doing anything, you can manage the mornings yourselves.

I have nothing new to add, but am just shocked by how much you are asking of your parents!

Times are difficult for everyone, but somehow we make it work, as there’s no choice. I agree that you and your husband need to make some changes, downsize, drop hours, or SOMETHING, because what’s happening now is crazy.

Your parents are doing a shocking amount for you already, and you’re very wrong to ask more of them rather than try to make changes in your own lives.

Look OP, I really sympathise here. I teach and it's a real stress trying to get to school on time and organising your own children. BUT what you're doing now is unsustainable. You cannot expect your mum to do this 4 days a week (5 for pick ups). What about if they want to go on holiday/ for a long weekend/ a day trip? On top of that I personally could never be up by 6am and out and arrived elsewhere by 7am almost everyday! That's insane.

I use breakfast club. Here every school has one provided by the council, but only from 8am. I drop st 8am on the dot and drive. I arrive between 8:30-8:40 (school starts at 8:50) which is tight, but plenty of us parents do it, and as long as I'm at class in time it's fine. I've always just had to be super, super organised and plan meticulously on the day I can stay later in work/ evenings/ weekends. You don't get paid before start time, so can't be required to be there.

I've had to use a car because public transport would take too long. DH is up and out by 7am, so has never been able to be here and need to cope. Why on Earth do you both need to be in by 8am?! Before kids I was in work hours before school, but I just can't anymore, and SLT get that.

After school has always been a juggle. When my parents were alive they did some of them; now my sister/ brother-in-law/ neighbour/ friend walk the youngest home (5 mins). This is counteracted by the fact that I reduced to 4 days and now will do 3 from the new term. My youngest has ASN and it's obvious I'm needed more and more at home. I tutor in the evenings/ weekends to make up for this, and am looking into TEFL online too. These are totally valid solutions that you MUST look into. I worry that you'll totally burn out.

In the meantime, you both need to take turns of leaving work immediately to get home, so that your mum can go home ASAP. I leave work every day except a Monday/ Friday as soon as the bell goes so I can speedily get home. Needs must, so I work through my lunch to photocopy/ prep and take marking home. You cannot keep leaning on your mum like this, it's just not fair.

Basically everyone has it tough one way or another at the moment.
we could of easily bought a bigger house and doubled our mortgage a few years ago ,but thankfully we didn’t..it meant 4 teenagers in a smaller space than we would of wanted..
prior to that I had to give up work and become a SAHM because we had no childcare ,or an actual school for 2 of the children ( autism) .it was a nightmare,but there was no other way .
I think something has to give op
either drop your hours or your dh drop his ,or buy a cheaper house ,or get a childminder and work extra hours ..it’s difficult right now for everyone

I'd do it for a good friend. More so if I knew the circumstances re your finances and possibility of losing your house. I wld be more reluctant if I thought u were just being tight.

I'd also be thinking that u shld return the favour in some way. Be that have the kids for a play date once or twice a month.

Is there anything else you could do to get a bit more cash? Teachers doing tutoring always seem popular near me?

Personally I'd look for a childminder for either two days a week or if early drop offs are an issue three afternoons to ease the load on your parents. You guys must be on decent wages surely you are not on the bread line. If you are really struggling you could do evening tutoring online . A registered childcare provider means you get tax relief on payments. I'd look at your budget too and see if you can cut anything

You need to find other ways or reducing your outgoings and starting work later.

Let your parents have thier lives back.

Might be worth asking about childcare on any class WhatsApp groups - we have a great after school club but they have a terrible online presence so you wouldn't necessarily know about them unless by word of mouth.

Agree this is too big an ask of your parents or a friend. Most families won’t even be up at 7am. Anything before 7.45 is too much to ask a friend and even then you would have to be prepared for them to cancel if own child off school etc. Cheapest option is an au pair if you have a spare room or can create one eg get your dc to share. Otherwise maybe you need to move your dc to a school near your work and take them on commute with you and use before and after school club. You could tutor if qualified teachers there are plenty of kids out of school needing daytime tuition or one of you can work school holidays.

Totally agree. I was in shock reading this at how utterly rude, selfish and entitled you are. I feel so sorry for your parents and can't believe this is what you've been expecting of them. You will have pay a childminder like plenty other parents do rather than constantly relying on other people. Also sit down and have a good look at your finances. Two teacher salaries shouldn't be making you struggle to this extreme so somethings going wrong somewhere.

Sounds like you really need to grow up and stop relying on your parents so heavily, I can't believe they also get your kids dressed as you can't be bothered to do that either, mind blowing! Is there anything you do actually do or do you just expect everyone else but yourselves to parent your kids?

Additionally, on the asking a friend front, 7am is an absolute no go. I used to get one friend dropped to me on my day off at 7:45 and that was still stressful- having one extra when you're trying to juggle breakfast/ getting your own ready/ tantrums/ kids wanting to play is really tough. I did it as reciprocally that mum picked my 2 kids up one day, but I still didn't like it!

I’ve been you. I paid friends with similar age children to have my two before and after school on the days I couldn’t get there. They were SAHMs and happy to have a bit of extra cash. 730 though and fully dressed and fed.

When I did my MA I paid a schoolgirl to come in for two hours a week to sit with my kids until husband got home.

Had no family help at all (distance). Would never accept free childcare because I didn’t want to reciprocate.

If you’re both teachers, get some on line tuition -2 hours a week will cover those few hours.

When we were super poor ( not able to pay our bills poor), we extended our mortgage ie borrowed £10,000 against the equity in our house to help us through a difficult few years - said it was for home improvements. Offset over 20 years it wasn’t much in terms of monthly repayments.

My husband also taught evening classes, summer camp and did tuition. Sometimes you just have to.

I am a doting grandmother but never in a million years would I take on the commitment your mother has. She is a gem.

You're putting a really unfair burden on your poor mum.

How about your husbands family, can they help?

HNRTFT but am wondering about using a childminder. It is a big ask for your parents being committed to early mornings and pick up . I genuinely could not be up and out every morning and then be doing the same in reverse .

I would absolutely do it for a neighbour. In fact I have and as a result, they've helped me back in emergencies. One of them we're now in a childcare swap for 4/5 days for the summer and if it works, we'll do it for wraparound come September.