Friends taking our children to school?

[SprinkleOfSunak]

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

@YerArseInParsley which "back in the day" are you talking about? "Back in the day" as I remember it, mothers didn't work, so there was no need for grandparents or anyone else to provide childcare.

Regardless of whether or not the OP is being unreasonable with regard to her mum, the whole "move to a cheaper area" which is trotted out on these threads is bloody ridiculous. If you can't afford wraparound care for a child, you're not likely to be able to afford to be buying and selling houses (not a cheap gig however you look at it).

The only thing that might put me
off is the drop off time as we don’t get up till 7. However if it was offered with help with child care in the school holidays I would probably think about it.

Can the children go to the same school you teach at? So travelling with you or DH and going into breakfast club from 8am opening time? There would be a fee of course, and costs with changing school uniforms and the like.
How much is your mortgage? Any other ways to cut back?

Can the children go to the same school you teach at?
It sounds like they are secondary teachers.

Hi there
I think if you can return the favour in some way, you wouldn’t feel so bad. Good friends don’t mind helping. I do think it’s worth re-evaluating your work between you. What if your parents’ health suffers or worse? My DP and I have to do childcare between us. My mother passed away when I was pregnant, Dad isn’t well enough to help and DPs parents have them a half day here and there, but we wouldn’t put too much on them as their also a bit older and go away a lot. You are extremely blessed to have so much help. Have either of you thought of a more flexible role?

I'm a teacher and I've said I can be at school at 8am. My children can go to breakfast club and I get a discount as I'm staff. I get them both ready and fed before i leave. I bring them activities to do between arrival and club start time and they stay in the class with me. I pick them up at the end and they stay in the classroom with me unless there's a club running that they can attend.

I was clear with my school about my needs at the beginning and they have been extremely supportive.

Have you tried talking to the school to see what arrangement they could come up with?

I did this for a friend for years. Her two came to me in the morning, I gave them breakfast, the 4 kids went off and played while I tidied up and then they got ready for school. Because my friend’s children were very good for me and put on coats and shoes when told 😱 my two would copy them and there was less stress than getting my two to school on their own. My friend paid me a fiver. Was 10 years ago so could probably increase the amount a bit.

I had one girl every Wednesday after school for 2 years. I had another on the sane day for 6 months. I had to stop her coming over as she was too much. I gave them both tea. They were in each of my dds class but didn't really interact much at mine. I was never offered money if food. I've had another friend 7.15-8.20 3 mornings a week for 2 years. She just sits on her phone while we get ready. I hate it but I stupidly offered. It's nice if you can return the favour.

I find it strange that you are afraid to ask for help from someone already making the trip, when you are taking so much from your parents.

You chose to have kids. Your chose your job. You chose your house.
If its not working, you need to take control and not be upset with other people for not taking on your responsibilities.

So.
Personally if I were you I would

• for the very immediate future, ask the neighbour to tag on your kids for a day a week. Offer I return something as a thanks. Maybe you look after theirs one night a week. Or you take theirs on another day. (although you say you don't take your kids at all to school?)

Longer term.
You need to free your parents. It's not fair how much you're using them.

Smaller fixes that may work

• ask for a payrise.
• ask for time flex with your current job, your parnter also. Maybe you can make it work between you
• pester the school morning club
• have your kids walk or cycle to school or is there a school bus?
• ask their school about transport to and from school

Bigger changes

• move house
• move job
• change your kids schools to one that's closer by or a boarding school
• rent out a room in your house

But i really think your way of solving things is not right.
You need to be looking to yourself to solve your problems.
Not others.
And also when you are moaning about cost of school club. I think that's awful when you think what you're putting your parents through. How much time and money they will be spending. And probably stress.

@Lalalalala555 about 10 pages ago OP posted to say she was hiding the thread because she found the responses distressing

Something is messed up somewhere big time if you and DH working FT as teachers PLUS your DH having a second wage doing evening work, can’t afford help doing drop off and pick up one day per week. This just isn’t possible unless you have major abnormal expenses, one or more disabilities in the family, a massively ambitious mortgage, live somewhere crazy expensive in London, have particular boogie lifestyle choices, or similar. Something just isn’t right here.

I suspect the main issue isn’t this one day of help, and neither is the solution to the problem OP going FT. There’s something more fundamental that needs changing. The depression/anxiety obviously doesn’t help, not least as it’s preventing robust and pragmatic problem solving.

@sheworemellowyellow my guess is a massive mortgage?

I couldn't get a childminder so organized with a friend who lived nearby to do the school run every afternoon for me. It usually wasn't more than half an hour and I paid £5 an hour as a thank you. I had similar from another friend who literally just picked mine up and met me five minutes later on the walk home.

If you ask around I am sure there will be a friend willing to do this for one day a week for a small amount of money. As long as you are at work for 08:20 on that day, I'm sure it will be fine. Teachers don't actually have to be in before 08:00 everyday!