Friends taking our children to school?

[SprinkleOfSunak]

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

Op are your children on the waiting list for wraparound care at the school and with childminders?
Whatever solution you come up with now will only be an interim one.
Your mum can’t do 4.5 days per week wraparound care indefinitely. It is a huge imposition.

Why dont you ask for the drop off and offer to babysit for the at a weekend. so they can have a night together

@rookiemere she mentioned about train for herself. Yeachers I know do school day then get home for kids and do marking etc in the evening.
@SprinkleOfSunak What does your mum do during the day between school runs is she Also doing housework etc?

We used to take two kids to before-school club along with our two, for two mornings a week. They were dropped off fully ready by the dad at around 0740 and we then drove them to early club for 0800.

No formal 'reciprocation' but because mum was a teacher, she was always ready to help out after school if we were delayed on trains and was generous with the playdates.

@SprinkleOfSunak I apperciate funds are tight but would a second car enable you to leave later?

Tbh huge ask even 4 mornings a week at 7am.
I'd ask friends if they would do a childcare swap. Perhaps you could ask each set of friends to do a day then your mum could cut down to 3 days. Work out how many hours your fitness will have your kids then pay back in holiday care - only downside is that probably works out at 3 hrs × 39weeks school year so 117hours of childcare for you to cover in the hols for friends

Fitness = friends

I feel for you, this sounds so hard

The people making comments such as "entitled" and "selfish"

This woman is neither, they're doing everything they can to make ends meet in a difficult financial period, if you don't find yourself in this difficulty then be grateful, don't project your own privilege onto her then call her selfish/entitled.

I think that it's worth doing some more brain storming to find more possible solutions, some other possible compromises. Try to think long term as well as short.

Can you downsize? Move closer to the schools you work at? This solution seems really fragile

I feel really sorry for your mum. What an absolutely shit retirement.

It’s a tough situation op! Things are so hard with prices increasing so I understand your pressure. I also understand it being too much for your parents, especially if your dad is still working himself and your mum needs to get public transport.

Ask your friend and see what they say, be honest with them but give them time and space to think about it, as you know, it’s a big ask.
I’d suggest you get your children up and ready, even for when your parents come over so it’s only breakfast that’s being done and the school drop off.
I know it means an earlier start for you and the children but the older they get the more independent they should be with getting themselves up and ready.
Do you live close to the school?

It only takes your mum to be poorly or even a little under the weather then your whole arrangement is stuffed.
Your parents are clearly very unhappy about the current situation which come September is only going to get worse.
Why you can get your children up, dressed and fed at the very minimum is beyond me.

Ah OP I feel for you. I've been there for just the odd morning, never mind knowing it's a constant thing. My take on it is if you don't ask you don't get. No harm in asking. You just have to be brave! I've returned the favour for people who very kindly and generously helped me out and were lovely to my kids. Some people were less forthcoming!

Just ask and say upfront what you can offer in return. I had little to offer but things did come up that i could help with.

I think that 7 a.m is a little on the early side. Is there any way you could make it 8:00 a.m for that one day? I used to do that for a friend every day and it was no trouble for me at that time.

@SprinkleOfSunak I've been in your parents' position so hopefully what I post might be of help.

For me, helping with morning drop offs was not so much of a problem, although dc did make sure my dgc were up and dressed. Even doing it 5 days per week was OK. But doing the afternoon pick ups were what tipped it over into an unmanageable burden.

Doing just the morning meant I had the rest of the day to myself. And my dgc seemed bright and energetic. Also doing afterschool meant my whole day was arranged around that - no long lunches with my similarly retired friends, no days out with dh, going out in the winter every day when it was cold and dark, having to arrange all appointments for a limited time slot between 9.30am and 2.30pm. And dgc also seemed tired, grumpy, fractious in the afternoons (me too!). Ultimately I don't think it was good for our relationship, or my relationship with my own dc. I would be irritated if they were late home, and they would be irritated if I had a holiday or an appointment that required them to make other arrangements.

I wonder if getting some after-schoolcare, as a priority would ease the load on your parents? Afterclubs? Childminder? Any other responsible adult in your community? I appreciate it would add to your costs but your current arrangement woud have be unsustainable for me.

This. ^ Sorry @SprinkleOfSunak but I am only in my late 50s and there is no way in hell I would be doing this (what your parents are doing.) 4 mornings a WEEK they get to yours for 7AM and get your kids ready for school, and take them too?! They must be up at 5.30am, depending on how far away you live.

I appreciate the situation (financially) is dire and me and DH have been there when our kids were little - with NO parental help. (Both sets of parents died when our 2 kids (one year apart in age) were little/infant school age.) No family help even, as my brother lived 100s of miles away (and would not have helped anyway! although SIL may have helped occasionally)

And the other few family members I have had their own lives/jobs/3 or 4 kids each, and lived half an hour's drive away anyway! We struggled REALLY badly, and were financially strapped all the time. We also had rapidly rising mortgage rates, (like it is now,) and not massive incomes, and shit needed doing to the house all the bloody time! (I don't miss those days tbh!!!)

But yeah, we just ploughed through, got close to nervous breakdowns several times, and DH worked 60 hours a week some weeks (20+ hours overtime,) so we could make ends meet. Even then we ended up having to remortgage the house to pay off debts. All OK now at nearly 60, (have been OK since 48-50 years old when our house was paid off,) and kids the have left home, (so no need to support them,) and financially we are sound.

But I do get you. It IS tough. But sadly, you can't expect your parents to keep doing this. It's too much. I am willing to bet they are borderline elderly, probably not super fit, and tired half the time. I never get up before 8am (work from home,) and would never be doing what your parents are doing. Getting up potentially at 5.30am every day, and seeing your kids off to school, FOUR days a week. Nope.

No answers sorry. You will literally have to get another part time job in the evening or weekend to increase your income (a time when your DH is in to take care of the children, to get more money in. OR your DH can get one in the evening or weekend, and you stay with the kids... You COULD ask a friend, but it is a big ask, and it's not f)air to expect others, who also have busy lives, and/or have children as well, to do this for you.

I hope you find a solution OP, it sounds really tough.

I am even more sympathetic towards your poor parents though - particularly your poor mum who can't properly relax and enjoy her retirement at all, being restricted by childcare / pickups etc 4 days a week! You need to find another solution and go to her with a proposal for say 2 days a week at most - that is more than enough for a retired grandmother. Your folks should be able to have time to themselves to go on holidays or whatever now that their grown child/ren are off their hands.

Yes this, and then to be told - after it's already been decided- that you're expected to do this 5 days a week, rather than 4, well no wonder she's finally pushing back a bit.

I have a relative in a similar situation except circumstances have changed and it really isn't appropriate for so much to be expected of her any more.The DPs circumstances are slightly different in that they should be able to afford the childcare, but this really should be OPs wake up call.

I'd get their names down on the wrap around wait lists ASAP. You can always decline a place when it arises.

A friend could do it for a term ie up to Xmas short term but after that I agree a big picture change is needed to find a solution to release your parents and the kind friend (if you can get one )

I sympathise- it's not easy at all but another plan is needed. What would you do if your parents were unavailable suddenly - say one of them was in hospital the other with them etc. you'd be screwed. Not nice to consider but not impossible I'm sure.

Options :
Childminder
Local retired mothers help to do either end of day / part time nanny (££ though)
School wrap around

If you can make temporary solution for the first term it gives you time to make adjustments for January.

None of this is sustainable long term.

One of you needs to leave teaching and get a different job. Can still be FT, but less rigid hours during term time at least.

Sounds drastic, but the reality of you have another 10-12 YEARS of this. Your parents will start to need help, not provide it. Your kids need their parents around at least some of the time midweek.

If it would work for you transport-wise, is it possible to ask if your timetable can be arranged so that there's one morning a week where either you or your husband have a later start (e.g. an assembly that you are not needed at and a free P1)? You'd still be full-time, and your school might be willing to accommodate this (and if it doesn't matter which day you come in late, then there might be enough flexibility in the timetable for it).

Even for a temporary term you'd need a back up friend in case that family's child is sick and can't go in.

Just gone cold at the thought of getting up 4 days a week in my retirement to take kids to School.

I think you need to really look at your finances. two FT time teachers, with no holiday childcare to cover and not currently paying for any breakfast club/ after school club should be able to pay for care. Sounds like you've never paid for it so you don't realise that most people do and it's a bill like any other. You've been very lucky with your parents. I'd never ask mine to do 4 days a week. Maybe once at a push.

I would help a friend one day a week but not at 7am. Dc and I don't get up until 7.45am.

Ooh a long train journey instead of getting kids ready sounds like bliss 🥰