Friends taking our children to school?

[SprinkleOfSunak]

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

I don't see where she says that at all.

OP--it sounds to me, that, per usual, teachers don't get paid enough where you live.

I bet she needs a break, that's a lot to ask for the next few years of a retired woman, especially with those 7am starts AND they have to get the kids up and read etc AND look after them after school as well.

Explain the situation to your children's primary school. You should get priority. I'm assuming that you both teach secondary, if not move the children to your primary school and take them with you.
It's hard when they're smaller and everything is a rush but you're going to have to look for full wraparound care, at one point I had a childminder and breakfast club then afterschool club ( also a teacher) until the primary school started to offer breakfast club from 730.
If you don't drive it may be a good idea to learn, you'll find it much easier if a morning without public transport.

Teachers salaries are all much of a muchness @Nanaof1. The average teachers salary is about £44k so even if the OP and her husband are both at the bottom of their pay scales, they've got to be on at least £60k.

I suspect they borrowed up to their borrowing limit and have a HP car loan and other debts of some kind.

It's crazy to live beyond your means to such an extent that if one element fails (not being able to get free childcare one day a week), the whole edifice collapses. What if one of her parents is ill or needs an operation? I cannot imagine choosing to live with this level of stress day in, day out by choice.

They need to downsize or move closer to where they work. One of them could get a job over the summer holidays to try and build a bit of a cushion. Trying to figure out a way to reduce the stress in their lives would be the best thing they could do for their own well-being.

I would definitely do this for a friend / neighbour especially with the holiday suggestion.

When my DD starts school I'll be able to drop her and be at work on time as it's a v short commute from school to work and I start work 10min later than school starts. I'd be delighted to take an extra child or two in the mornings in exchange for say a week of summer holiday childcare, as I'm already in the thick of the negotiation for annual leave for next summer!

Don't know if you are still reading OP. I would do this if I could for a friemd but I wouldn't agree to a 7am drop off. It's too early. 7.30am is slightly better. I would also be clear that if anything came up, i would not hesitate to cancel. We have a big family and everyone mucks in where needed but we are all careful not to take the piss.
Your mum has retired yet is still essentially working for you. I say it all the time but the more you do for someone, the more they expect. It gets taken for granted and not at all appreciated. This is a perfect example. You and your DH need to sit down and discuss what you need to do. Before and after school club would be better for that one day so your mum gets one full day off. Even though I would do it for a friend, with conditions, I do think it's too much to ask of someone, I wouldn't ask this of a friend.

My DS does this with my DM. My DM can’t go out for the day because she has to be back to walk to the school to collect her DNephews. She has to get up at 6.30am every week day in order to be ready for 7am when the DNephews are dropped off. She has little time to herself, and it makes me sad because it’s just thoughtless. An occasional help out from your parents is ok, but tying them in to early drop offs and school runs is selfish and thoughtless.

Look for a nursery that also takes children before and after school. One near me takes children up to 12yrs. Look at moving your DCs school to yours if appropriate or at least to one on your route to your school. Look for a school with spaces in its wrap-round care. Pay a childminder.

Also, see if a change of job would work or supply or part-time working. Look at moving house. Look ‘outside the box’. If you use public transport, look at houses on routes, look at houses near schools with lots of wraparound care, or childcare nearby. Finally, expect the best but plan for the worst: that is, always leave yourself some kind of buffer, whether it’s financial, time or whatever. You’ve put a lot of this pressure on yourself. I know it must be upsetting your parents changing what they promised but that was always going to happen at some stage.

I'm assuming that you both teach secondary, if not move the children to your primary school and take them with you.
I'm surprised so many people have said they should change schools , that's not how school admissions work. You can't just decide you want to put your child in another school, especially one ours se your catchment. The local authority allocate places based on where the child lives at the time of applying. Even if you move areas it's not that simple to change schools. They have to have space, many schools don't.

@SprinkleOfSunak I hope you return to read this.
I am a teacher and my school is a 45 minute drive away on a good day. My husband works nights. We have children aged 9-6.

This may not work for you now but may be a future plan?

We have a strict morning routine that involves every child being downstairs and eating breakfast by 6:45. If they don't want breakfast I have fresh juice and cereal bars for their walk to school. The older ones are independent in getting dressed and groomed. The younger I do their hair and help with buttons etc.
By 7:15 I leave and they are downstairs and quiet watching tv. I lock the door behind me. DH wakes at 8 after his late shift which is the cue for the older ones to leave. He then takes the younger to school 15 mins later.

Maybe you could develop a system over the summer where you can get them prepped before you leave and then your husband could drop them to a child minder/breakfast club, or work towards them leaving together to school in the coming years, I appreciate the nightmare you are trying to negotiate

OP I’m sorry you’ve had some responses that have been difficult to read when you already feel in an impossible situation but my first thought honestly when I read your posts is how lucky you have been to have such massive support from your parents so far and also I wonder why you are feeling so uncomfortable about asking a friend to help you one day a week but not at all uncomfortable about expecting your parents to help you five days a week. They have done you a massive favour so far and you have been really lucky but I think they are doing you an even bigger favour by saying no now, enough is enough. This is the wake up call you need to look at making some cut backs to your lifestyle so you can afford childcare.

And many of us have said that both of them need to prep/ mark etc in lunchtimes and at home after school and make a priority of being at home as late as possible before school and as early as possible after school. It's what 1000s of us need to do in teaching.

I'm surprised so many people have said they should change schools , that's not how school admissions work. You can't just decide you want to put your child in another school, especially one ours se your catchment. The local authority allocate places based on where the child lives at the time of applying. Even if you move areas it's not that simple to change schools. They have to have space, many schools don't.

In England you can apply for in in year place at any school you like. However far away it is. If they have a place they have to give it to you.

'Many schools' may not have places but many others do.

I think living far from the grandparents and far from both of their workplaces isn't working for their family.

Yeah this. ^ The (few) people on here saying the mother should step up and do ALL FIVE DAYS, would never do it themselves. The OP is absolutely taking the mickey to expect her mother to do this at ALL, let alone for an extra day on top of the FOUR she is doing.

As pps have said, she needs a major lifestyle change. New job, and a cheaper home. If she can't afford her outgoings now, that's her problem, and no-one else's.

I think I'd lose my house rather than put that on my parents. What a life. Utterly unacceptable. Do they never like, want to go on holiday or out for the day or anything?
It's unsustainable. And you're going to be so beholden as they age. Have seen that a few times.

I think I'd lose my house rather than put that on my parents. What a life. Utterly unacceptable.

This.

You are relying on your parents too much. It's really not fair on them and now you want to rope the neighbours in. They are your kids, pay for childcare and stop being entitled and lose the woe is me attitude.

What's the long term plan? You've got years of this - I hate to be so dramatic but can you downsize?? This level of pressure is awful

Don't think OP is still reading, and I sympathise with your financial worries, but a decent proportion of replies have been solid advice - restructuring your life so your less dependent on your parents, not just attacks on your character. The advice is probably hard to hear because your stressed, and the steps you need to take feel overwhelming.

Ultimately, you can't continue the way you are, for your mum's sake. They may have offered childcare willingly, but it doesn't mean you should have accepted. With kindness, I do hope this thread has opened your eyes a bit with regards to appreciating and not underestimating the Herculean effort of your mum for doing 4 days, nevermind 5.

Also, try and get your kids dressed and dropped off at theirs going forward, it's the very least you could do in the situation.

@changeyerheadworzel so what? They’re HER grandkids. I don’t think being a mother has a best before date. If they could lose their house she should do it. I would do it even for a friend tbh let alone a ‘loved one’. Just surprises me the lack of depth people have for in love for their ‘loved ones’.

*you're. Oh for an edit button 🤦🏽‍♀️

I can see from your last post that sticking your head in the sand and hoping others will rescue you from a self created problem is your go to reaction.

It was really naive to blindly accept and expect your parents offer of free help for a long as you have, anyone with a lick of sense and responsibility would have forseen ageing parents needing to stop at some point and make a plan for this.

I am sorry ypu have anxiety, it's probably not helping your reaction but there are two of you to solve the issue, your husband needs to step up and you both need to have a serious chat about taking this pressure off your parents, what that entails whether a job change or going in later, moving house or schools? being more organised is up to you, but no one but yourselves needs to pitch in and make uncomfortable adjustments.

It IS entitled and selfish to not do everything you can first before looking outwards for help, not accepting this and humbling yourself and probably apologising to your mother will leave a negative impact on your familial relationships.

Sorted. Send OP a message directly. Make friends with her and step in to do all that childcare that you're so happily espousing her mother should continue.

Big mouth.

Cop on to yourself. The poor mother is already doing it years. She is a slave to her daughter and her grandkids. She is now a mother to her grandkids? Every fucking day of her life from cockcrow because her daughter cannot manage to get them dressed, fed and dropped over because she isn’t “organised”
They have 2 teachers wages, have never paid for childcare and expect her mother to get out of bed and travel to mind her kids!
It’s entitled, rude, grabby and totally irresponsible. Whatever about the mum minding them every day, the op cannot even sort breakfast. Ridiculous carry on from a professional couple on a decent wage.

Well said! Mouth of the South spouting garbage.

I suggest that you make a paid arrangement for someone willing.
Family helping can be to much understandably, including the stress etc .
I had a neighbour help, I was told to pay what I could.
I would reciprocate by also having play dates often.
Do schools help by advertising or contacting them? Local advert.
Word of mouth...within a few weeks we were off and organised.
Beware other children do become jealous, so even an older willing person with no children.
The struggle we had was no school care available at a large proportion of working families, never understood why.
As a working parent we need a good support system, not judgy stupid comments.
Start asking.