Friends taking our children to school?

[SprinkleOfSunak]

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

The more I think about this thread the more I think it must be a wind up.

Very different then..

OP, it seems you won’t be returning, but it is so unfortunate that all your posts seem to be about “me, me, me”, with little regard or empathy for your parents.. I hope you are able to find a way forward, but it needs to be you and your husband making changes, rather than expecting others to pick up the slack.

Intriguedbythis · Yesterday 16:02
I would be SO disappointed if my mother did that to me. Could she not try and understand you’re in dire straits and could lose your home?

really disappointing

if you were my friend I would happily do that favour for you - but- other kids may get poorly etc and can manage it getting complicated

I hope your mother wraps her head around the fact your mother / grandmother duties should involve stepping TF up in a crisis xx”

Don’t be ridiculous. This isn’t a “crisis”, it’s a permanent state of affairs. Have you missed how much OP’s exhausted mother has done for her already?
OP’s children are the responsibility of her and her husband.
I can’t believe that people like you would run their mother, who’s already brought up her own children, into the ground because they can’t organise their lives as millions of other parents do.

“I told my parents a few years ago that I would need to return to work after being a SAHM, and they both offered straightaway to do the childcare for us - I never even had to ask them. I have worked 4 days a week ever since. “

Years ago. Things have changed. Your mum is very clearly telling you it’s all too much for her, she’s had enough. Listen and pay for additional childcare.

Oh my gosh @SprinkleOfSunak this sounds so tricky. If I were you I'd be looking for a job closer to home. I know it isn't that easy, but start looking and keep applying. I'm a teacher and work a 5 min drive from my house. I couldn't coordinate the DCs otherwise.

Intriguedbythis · Yesterday 19:46
@changeyerheadworzel so what? They’re HER grandkids. I don’t think being a mother has a best before date. If they could lose their house she should do it. I would do it even for a friend tbh let alone a ‘loved one’. Just surprises me the lack of depth people have for in love for their ‘loved ones’.”

Perfect! You have solved OP’s dilemma. Contact her and offer your services.

No? of course not, because you are equally entitled/or clueless and are talking absolute rubbish. It is not the job of retired grandparents to raise their grandchildren.

Mumof3girlsandaboy · Yesterday 20:58
TeeNoG · Yesterday 20:48
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i do this for my son’s best friend. His mum is secondary school teacher and he get dropped off at my house and then i take him into school with my son 4 mornings a week. And if I need help picking my son up from school she does it for “

Do you wash, dress and feed him then bring him home in the afternoon and give him dinner? That’s what grandmother has been doing for years.
I used to take our son’s friend. I was then asked to drop his younger sister off at the nursery as well and occasionally to dance class on the “way home”, 10 minute diversion, Then I was expected to take them in on the odd day when my son couldn’t go in for whatever reason. Was told I was letting them down if I didn’t. A favour very quickly becomes an expectation. Never again!

Honestly, I think this is spot on. It doesn't sound like the current arrangements are working for anyone. You need to think about making big changes.

Firstly, could you move closer to work? It may mean the children moving school, but that can be done (and maybe the new one will have wraparound care). Even with the same mortgage, you could be better off time-wise and financially with less of a commute. Even better, could you move to a smaller house, so reduce mortgage payments, and possibly also cheaper to heat etc?

Or talk to your mortgage provider - moving onto an interest-only mortgage for a few years would free up some cash each month.

Could you get a second car so you're not so reliant on the early train? Are you paying off the current car on finance? If so, could you switch to buying outright when the finance is up, if it's cheaper?

Could one of you get a "summer job", perhaps marking exams, intensive tutoring or something? Might be better than working evenings.

I agree with making use of your summer holidays to offer reciprocal childcare. Someone above commented that it's so hard for teachers because there's no flexibility, but plenty of people have that working pattern year round without the holidays that come with teaching. It's incredibly hard to cover school holidays if you're working full time in any job, not just teaching.

I think you really need to look at who ur mum's day - she's presumably up at 6 or so, gets dropped off at yours for 7, gets 2 kids ready and out to school, then gets a bus home (so probably home about 9.30 or so?). Then she needs to get a bus back to school (so probably about 1.30?), pick up the kids, walk them to yours and stay until one of you gets home. Then she goes home, and I'm guessing gets dinner ready for your dad coming home. That's a lot, especially every day. Presumably she also has housework to do, so when does she get time to herself? It's different being busy when you're working and earning, but it sounds like she's not being paid a lot for this arrangement, and yet she's still not free to go on holiday, have a day out, meet a friend for lunch etc. That's not sustainable.

Unfortunately eaten bread is quickly forgotten.

Funny how a favour so quickly becomes an expectation.

Fortunately I had the second hand experience of a couple of obliging friends to learn from, which made be very wary and firm on my boundaries when I was asked for "a small favour".

A "small favour" to them!

I told one woman it wasn't a "small favour" but a big one, and not something that would suit me.

Locking yourself into an arrangement that is all give, is NEVER a good idea IMO.

Many people do this. When my DD was at nursery I had just given birth to my second DD. I was straight into the 9am drop off due to being on maternity. A friend who’s child was in the same class asked if I could help her out a couple of days a week as their parent who was doing it had taken ill. I reluctantly said yes as they told me it was temporary until they found someone else permanently. They dropped their DD off at 7/7:15 most time, usually waking us up with doorbell. My baby was only a few weeks old and my DH had gone back to work. Shifts meant some weeks he was up to let them in and some weeks he was out already. Often my nursery DD was still asleep and my baby had not long gone back to sleep after an early feed and I was shattered. The temporary situation resolved itself when we went on holiday for a month and they had to find someone else who then became permanent, otherwise it would have continued.

I believe it can be common for people to help friends out and share these thing.

I also think your breakfast club is extortionate at £35 per day for 2. Outs is £4:50 per morning session but they have to take their own breakfast - we can send in a box of cereal named and they will provide milk. Can the school not get more staff to get rid of the waiting list? We’ve never had a waiting list but it’s a small school. We have to pre book so they can organise staffing. Once I was told there wasn’t space when I booked late but after a panicked call it was sorted and they explained they just needed an extra member of staff as we went over their numbers by 1!!

Can’t get past your parents doing this for you 4 days a week! You’re so lucky! Hope you express how grateful you are for their help. As others have said I would offer some kind of reciprocal arrangement to your friends.

Why don’t you find someone whose child would benefit from tutoring and do a swap?

Work smarter, not harder. Look at other jobs rather than going full time - consultancy, private school, tutoring, training teachers, grading etc. you are a trained professional and there are other options available to you. This must be such a horrible situation and I really feel for you, but have you explored options outside of just going full time?

I think if you really need to work those hours then you need to find a childminder, ideally for more than 1 morning a week to give your mum a break . It's not fair to ask a friend to supply so much childcare as a long term solution, many would do it quite willing at first but it can quickly become a source of resentment. The number of hours you need over a year would probably add up to much more than the week's childcare for the friends children that some people are suggesting you could exchange. You also need to consider the legality of a childcare exchange exchange as if their children are under 8 you can only look after friends children for 3 hours a day (2 if they are not friends children)and receive payment in kind (IE childcare for your own children at other times) without having to be registered as a childminder. This may work out ok for the school drop off but not for whole days in the holidays.

Sounds like you're a teacher/ work in a school which suggests you might have holidays off. I work from home and I'd love to live down your road, drop your kids off 1-2 days a week in return for you looking after my child in school holidays occasionally e.g. 3 days per year. So maybe talk to someone whose child you wouldn't mind looking after?

I haven't had the chance to read the full thread but I'm astounded at the 'parents don't do much for us' comment considering what they actually do for you 4 days a week. They bloody do.

Noooooooo.... This is not OK! Mornings are stressfull enough worrying about your own kids without having to look after someone else's! I ask people for help quite a lot with lifts to and from sports matches etc and I reciprocate with lifts for their children... But I wouldn't ask people to do the school run for me! My parents don't live local and ive had to fit my job and my life around the school run for 13 years so far.... Atm tbf I work FT from home and I split my lunch break to do the run so I guess I'm lucky in that respect. But previously I've had to pay for wrap around care or work PT. We are far from well off. If the school wrap around care doesn't have availability, local nurseries usually do this too. And you should be able to get financial help for this either from childcare vouchers through your workplace or through TV or UC if you receive them.

I would get on the breakfast club waiting list, see if you can get help towards childcare costs from universal credit if you are really struggling for money then you should qualify for a bit of help. Explain to your employers your situation and they should accommodate you for a later start once a week. That way you don’t have to rely on anyone.

club seems expensive - childminder might be cheaper. You HAVE to be able to afford at least one day of wraparound care on two full time professional salaries.

i really feel for you. I can’t imagine the worry and stress this must cause. Our mortgage has just went up £300 a month and with the cost of everything else rising too (food!) it’s getting so hard to make ends meet. Two professional people (well, anyone actually, but you know what I mean!) should be able to live comfortably in 2023 but it’s just not happening 😔 My husband and I are both health professionals (him full time, me part time) and are in the same boat - if that provides any comfort. I can’t increase my hours because of childcare. We don’t have any. Childminders and school clubs are full.

i do get that your mum needs a break. If I could see how desperate my child was however I think I would agree to do this for her. But I do get your worry and panic at what to do. I would ask my kids friends/my friends/kindly neighbours if they could help. Is there no way your school would let you do a late morning and make up for it at night to stay to do marking? I’m assuming this is a no go in teacher-land or more people would do it.

I really do hope you get it sorted. I am not much help but I really just wanted to try and let you know that we are in the same position financially and that you are definitely not alone. There will be so many more people amongst your school friends that are in this position too and you just don’t know it. Don’t know if that provides any comfort. Hang in there and hope you get it sorted x

x

1. put your kids on the waiting list for the breakfast club, for as many days as you can possibly afford.
2. is there a class WhatsApp? We have and there are usually requests for drop offs and pick ups etc. We all help out. Offer holiday childcare to whoever helps you out on school runs.
3. Find a childminder who does school runs to your kids school.

As a single parent who has never had any help of the dad, my family of friends. I’m quite astounded at your entitled attitude.

It is not only unfair to rely on your parents and a friend but it’s also very risky.
What’s going to happen if they turn around and decide they can’t do it one day?

You need to make a proper plan like other parents need to do.
So either get a CM or nanny or 1 of you should change your job.

One of you could get an evening and weekend job and then pick up extra work during the school holidays.
This would allow 1 of you being at home all of the time.

I am a teacher but I qualified when my child was older because apart from the holidays it is not a family friendly job and I personally would get another job whilst they’re young and then go back to teaching in the future.
It means you don’t have to get childcare and you won’t miss out on sports days etc too.

I have done this for my friend in a similar situation and I wouldn’t mind doing it again. Ultimately it’s not that much extra work. I think you should ask. As you are teachers, can you offer to look after your friend’s children on days during the school holidays as a trade? Or babysit so the can have a date night? I think my children benefited from the company of the other children and from seeing parents helping each other. I think we may all need help at some time or another so don’t feel bad.

If your friends won't do it, try looking for a Childminder who does school drop off and pick ups. I used to drop my son to a local childminder for before and after school only.