Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Friends taking our children to school?

463 replies

SprinkleOfSunak · 19/07/2023 10:22

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

OP posts:
timberho · 19/07/2023 20:06

Best course of action would be to think of a friend who could do with some extra money and pay them. Then you won't feel you're abusing their kindness but hopefully it wouldn't be market rate.

billy1966 · 19/07/2023 20:18

Reading posts like this crystallises for me why so many friends are absolutely insistent that they will never be involved with regular childcare.

Eaten bread is clearly very quickly forgotten.

I cannot imagine the presumption of expecting your retired parents to be up every morning at the crack of dawn to get to yours for 7am.

Hard enough in the brighter months.

Unfathomably hard during winter.

Wouldn't dream of asking it of parents.

What utterly thankless lives some grandparents end up with.

I have seen it with my retired SIL who accepted 2 days,but but through circumstances ended up doing so much more.

Her husbands sudden death has left her bitterly regretful of not making the most of their time and health.

Very sad.

Dinopawus · 19/07/2023 20:24

OP if you're still reading, I wonder if your anxiety has contributed to your head in the sand thinking? I see people at work who are neurodiverse & anxious and have a husband with ADHD so I do get it. Unfortunately the usual result is that the situation they are running away from gets worse not better.

Whatever has led to this situation it is what it is and it sounds like some grown up decisions are needed by your and your DH. Its not sustainable for you to work the hours that you do in the locations that you do without paid help for at least some of the week. Therefore you need to change something; your job, your home, your commute or your childcare.

Can you get some help with your anxiety? It sounds like you need help now and could perhaps benefit from understanding the decisions that led to your current situation.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

7eleven · 19/07/2023 20:25

I cannot fathom doing so much for my grandchildren. The OP needs to drastically change her lifestyle if she is this dependent on her parents. Completely unreasonable expectations.

OMGitsnotgood · 19/07/2023 20:29

we happily took two teachers' children to school for years. We were going anyway so didn't matter to us. We didn't request payment (why would we), but
looking back, yes it would have been good if they'd offered a bit of reciprocal childcare in the holidays. Didn't happen but a great idea

Twiglets1 · 19/07/2023 20:36

OMGitsnotgood · 19/07/2023 20:29

we happily took two teachers' children to school for years. We were going anyway so didn't matter to us. We didn't request payment (why would we), but
looking back, yes it would have been good if they'd offered a bit of reciprocal childcare in the holidays. Didn't happen but a great idea

But would you have been happy to take them from
7am because that is what OP needs?

TomatoSandwiches · 19/07/2023 20:39

Twiglets1 · 19/07/2023 20:36

But would you have been happy to take them from
7am because that is what OP needs?

But apparently this while time her DH could have left at 7:30 - 7:45, they don't need care for 7am they just prefer not to inconvenience themselves in any way.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/07/2023 20:39

Whole*

LittleBrenda · 19/07/2023 20:41

they don't need care for 7am they just prefer not to inconvenience themselves in any way.

Or get their own children ready or fed.

Summerscoming23 · 19/07/2023 20:43

Could you offer to help with their kids during the summer ? Since you're off and they likely aren't?

TomatoSandwiches · 19/07/2023 20:46

LittleBrenda · 19/07/2023 20:41

they don't need care for 7am they just prefer not to inconvenience themselves in any way.

Or get their own children ready or fed.

Yes, exactly, smh.

TeeNoG · 19/07/2023 20:48

Honestly, I would do it for one of my sons school friends. Particularly if you reciprocated with the odd sleepover or weekend play date.

Ask politely, you're not doing anything wrong by putting the idea out there.

Mumof3girlsandaboy · 19/07/2023 20:58

TeeNoG · 19/07/2023 20:48

Honestly, I would do it for one of my sons school friends. Particularly if you reciprocated with the odd sleepover or weekend play date.

Ask politely, you're not doing anything wrong by putting the idea out there.

i do this for my son’s best friend. His mum is secondary school teacher and he get dropped off at my house and then i take him into school with my son 4 mornings a week. And if I need help picking my son up from school she does it for me .

Washeroo · 19/07/2023 20:58

I was trying to think what I’d do as the friend.

If someone gave the headlines of why and it was a fixed period ie. a term/half term AND I knew the children, I would consider it. Problem is this isn’t just a school run. I’d expect them dressed and fed with the assumption they are in front of the TV whilst I’m frantically getting myself and everyone else ready, and that I might need to be forceful to get everyone out on time.

I don’t need the money but I think something needs to be offered. it’s not intended as CF but this is high value time/stress situation. reciprocal childcare in the holidays is what I’d most want personally because I’m not a childminder and that’s more valuable than cash.

Also it couldn’t be for a year, half a term/term max. I think. That suggests they are stuck now but have a plan. What if my DC are sick/have an appointment. I don’t want to feel guilty about that whole thing and similarly if it’s not working I don’t want to be responsible for problems by withdrawing it which is friendship over.

I always try and advocate helping and think about older generations who routinely did things for each other, but how work is now is quite different so not comparable in a lot of ways.

Washeroo · 19/07/2023 20:59

Different if child is dropped just before you leave and it’s basically a lift there.

changeyerheadworzel · 19/07/2023 21:05

Mumof3girlsandaboy · 19/07/2023 20:58

i do this for my son’s best friend. His mum is secondary school teacher and he get dropped off at my house and then i take him into school with my son 4 mornings a week. And if I need help picking my son up from school she does it for me .

Does he get dropped there unfed at 7am?

OMGitsnotgood · 19/07/2023 21:07

But would you have been happy to take them from7am because that is what OP needs?

Difficult to say as we only had them from 7:45. We were up before 7 so i think we'd have been ok with that but easy to say with hindsight

PorridgeWithSaltOrSugar · 19/07/2023 21:15

Keep thinking back on this post and the more I do the more awful it sounds. Imagine how awful it is getting up in the middle of winter to do this... :( And waiting on a late bus on a freezing cold rainy morning. Then having to go back out in it shortly after you eventually get home to do it all over again.

Delatron · 19/07/2023 21:17

Look I think the friend thing is a red herring here. So everyone saying ‘oh I’d do it’ it’s not the point. The whole situation is untenable long term and it’s completely unfair on her poor Mum. Most of us wouldn’t ask this of our parents surely? The OP needs to realise that and sort out a completely different solution.

I’m still perplexed how 2 full time teachers with no childcare costs are a step (or one days childcare costs) away from losing their home. Surely they need to sort out their finances first.

Delatron · 19/07/2023 21:18

PorridgeWithSaltOrSugar · 19/07/2023 21:15

Keep thinking back on this post and the more I do the more awful it sounds. Imagine how awful it is getting up in the middle of winter to do this... :( And waiting on a late bus on a freezing cold rainy morning. Then having to go back out in it shortly after you eventually get home to do it all over again.

I know! It’s awful.

Cheeseballer · 19/07/2023 21:55

I'd hate to be asked this and I'd find it so difficult to say no and feel so awkward but honestly I'd hate it!
Also I wouldn't dream of asking my parents to do what yours do!
Stay at 4 days a week and get a different second job if needed. We're all struggling but that's a lot to ask of everybody else!

ladyvivienne · 19/07/2023 22:57

I really have very little sympathy. She needs a massive reality check because right now, she's the biggest CF I have ever read about on MN! Who asks their mum to do 7am starts when she's supposed to be retired. Fuck me. The level of entitlement is off the scale with this one. But instead of thinking, christ yes, you're right, i've been massively taking the piss and maybe I actually need to pay for my own childcare/change jobs/find a solution she's marched out with the mental health card and walzed off. Unbelievable.

Mumof3girlsandaboy · 20/07/2023 08:19

changeyerheadworzel · 19/07/2023 21:05

Does he get dropped there unfed at 7am?

He get dropped off @7:45 and we leave the house @8:30 and he gets fed at his house.

billy1966 · 20/07/2023 08:32

PorridgeWithSaltOrSugar · 19/07/2023 21:15

Keep thinking back on this post and the more I do the more awful it sounds. Imagine how awful it is getting up in the middle of winter to do this... :( And waiting on a late bus on a freezing cold rainy morning. Then having to go back out in it shortly after you eventually get home to do it all over again.

Forgot about the bus home and back again.

I suppose she could stay in her daughters house and clean, iron and prepare dinner.....until collection time....what a retirement.

Thisbastardcomputer · 20/07/2023 08:58

Why the 7am start, can't you get them ready for a later pick up. It may be the getting up early they aren't happy with.

Swipe left for the next trending thread