Vent post - I just need to get it out somewhere. TW -child loss/organ donation.

[UnreasonableRant]

Some years back my son died, it was bloody awful, the circumstances were devastating and I'm not, nor will I ever be 'over it'.

Due to the nature of his death I was in a position to donate his organs. I didn't really think twice about it, it wasn't some heroic decision, it was just what I felt should happen at that time. My grief wasn't more or less by donating my sons organs tbh, it made no real odds to me (I know I sound awful there but i never think about the recipients at all, I dont want to).

I have a newish 'friend' who brings this up semi regularly. Last night I told her to fuck off and kicked her out my house.

When she found out (small town so people talk) she asked a little about it, I told her the vague details, then she said she could never do it. Fair enough.

The last week or so she has absolutely ramped up talking about it, last night basically saying that if I loved my son I wouldn't have allowed it to happen, her child was playing with mine and she looked at them and said "I can't imagine allowing X to be used as spare parts, I love him too much". Wtf, who even says that.

I asked her if she really just said that, and she said "no offence' before continuing on even more being fucking offensive. Going into graphic detail about what happens and why she couldn't allow it to happen. I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't nice.

I asked her to leave and blocked her on everything, I can't really tell anyone irl as it's a small town and I can't be arsed being in the centre of a scandal and people picking sides, or raking up emotions and having the pitying head tilts again.

I know some people couldn't do it, I really do, I absolutely understand that, and I would never judge someone for not choosing to donate, however this isn't the first time I've been judged for choosing to, it's happened a handful of times over the years, the basis being that I obviously didn't love my beautiful son if I allowed this to happen.

I adored him, I loved him every day of his short life, and I have loved him every day since and will until my last breath.

The implication that I didn't because I donated his organs is bloody offensive.

I know there's no real answers or advice to give, I just needed to get this out as I can't irl.

She is vile. You did an incredibly selfless thing at a time of unimaginable pain and loss and grief. I would imagine her views would be hugely in the minority.

She’s in the minority. What you did was wonderful and selfless, and saved potentially many other families from suffering the same awful pain you did. Ignore her.

Im so sorry for your loss.

Of course it's offensive. It's absolutely clear how much you love your son, and unrelated to any decision about donation. She deserves to be told where to you go.

Wow, you did right to kick her out. What a horrible person.

You clearly loved your son with all your soul. You did a kind and generous thing for other mothers, a massive act of bravery and generosity in the darkest time of your life. Your actions under pressure show who you are- kind, generous, and loving, even in the darkness.

Her actions show who she is. And it's none of those things. I'm sorry for your loss.

What you did saved a dozen other families from the grief and pain you felt/feel.

She is a vile vile woman.

She sounds vile. And even if that's what she thinks why the fuck would she say it to you. I would have zero to do with her and let people know why.

Oh god I'm so sorry. She is an arsehole of the highest order.

I can't believe someone could be so entirely lacking in empathy and even common sense.

I think you did entirely the right thing in kicking her out. I would never speak to her again and would probably let a few people know what a horrible thing she did so she couldn't misrepresent what you did.

I'm so sorry for your loss and of course you will never be over what happened. I'm furious on your behalf.

I can't believe such twats exist. I wouldn't be interested in such a friend.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son.

That is vile and unforgivable. I couldn't be friends with someone like that.

Please don’t doubt yourself for a minute OP. You did an amazing thing. It clearly says a lot more about this woman than anything else. Well done for kicking her out & blocking her. I’m so very sorry for your loss.

What a stone cold arsehole. You were absolutely right to throw her out.

You and your son did an amazing thing. I am so sorry for your loss.

Jesus Christ, what a massive bitch! You definitely did the right thing kicking her out. To suggest you didn't love your son is fucking disgusting! I've always assume if I lost a child I'd donate the organs if I was able to. I'm quite pragmatic about death and I don't think the organs are the essence of the person so why not donate them to another family in need. It doesn't change your feelings towards your son at all.

op I’m so sorry about your son, I can’t imagine how you must feel.

She sounds like an incredibly insensitive cruel and stupid person that can’t see past her own thoughts and feelings to understand that you’ve been through absolute hell and then also donated your child’s organs so someone else’s could live. I think you’re amazing and I am so sorry this person has made you feel the way you do. She’s lacking an any brain cells or empathy whatsoever. I also think if her child needed an organ she would take it. So she’s likely also a hypocrite. You’re well rid I can’t believe anyone would say that to a bereaved mother. So cruel,

I'm so sorry.

What a vile nasty piece of scum she is.

You did a wonderful selfless thing at an incredibly painful time ♥️

I've literal tears in my eyes, with anger. This person is unfathomable. You did the right thing. She needs to be cut out of your life and have no further access to it. What you did was incredible. I'm so desperately sorry for your loss.

BTW I bet she would be happy to take an organ should she or her family need it.

What an evil cow (her).

I'd bet if her precious child needed an organ she'd take it.

Thank you for doing such a brave and generous thing at the worst moment of your life. Your little boy has transformed others lives.

X

Thank you all, I dont know if it is a minority view really, a few people have said similar through the years, usually it's a passing comment, I shut it down and its fine again. This woman who I've known maybe 3 months (she's new here so I befriended her as I know people around here aren't necessarily welcoming of new faces) has been the worst by far though.

To be honest I look at my dc now and can't imagine having to make that decision, so I understand, but in that time period when I knew I was going to have to miss my son every day I chose differently.

That particular part of his life and death is pretty insignificant to me tbh, I'm probably not explaining well, but I don't really think about it.

I don't really want this woman to be ostracised so I won't tell anyone, but I don't want anything to do with her again.

It's pissing me off how a decision from years ago can evoke such a reaction from an entirely unrelated person who decides to make me feel like crap over it when she wasn't even there.

Don't worry about her starting any gossip as when people hear her side there is absolutely no way for her to spin it in her favour. You are doing the right thing in rising above it.

What an absolute bitch. My mind is blown that she saw fit to say those idiotic things to you.

You did the right thing throwing her out, good on you.

Disgusting things to say, I'm so sorry you had to experience that.

You did the right thing. I'm so sorry for your loss.

You're a bigger and better person than me OP. I'd be telling people what a disgraceful experience I had with her and letting the chips fall where they may socially for her.

Some people are fucking mental. I'm sure if her child needed an organ she'd soon change her mind about organ donation. Stupid bitch.

You're right, she likely would take an organ if her child were in need.

I know when my son was in his last day's I would have agreed to every transplant under the sun if it would have made him better, and that's pretty much why I decided to do it.

I get it's hard to think about, none of us ever want to think about it, neither would I if I hadn't been there myself, but you just don't know what you would do in that moment, so to judge me, and the love I have for my beautiful boy, based on a decision I made that played no part in his life or death is unforgivable.

I'm so annoyed.

I'm going to have to see her on the school run for the next few years as well, I wonder if she will try and explain or apologise, either way I'm not taking her on.

She's a total cow and you did a wonderful thing. Thank you for thinking of others in your pain.

OP so sorry about the loss of your son. You did an amazing thing though - you and your son gave life to others. This ‘friend’ isn’t a friend. They certainly wouldn’t be saying such a thing as ‘spare parts’ that is a terrible thing to say. You’ve done the right thing, you have nothing to justify here, I’m honestly shocked anyone can think such a thing?

100%, she's an evil cow

100%, you're amazing. 💖

I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry she even came into your life.