Vent post - I just need to get it out somewhere. TW -child loss/organ donation.

[UnreasonableRant]

Some years back my son died, it was bloody awful, the circumstances were devastating and I'm not, nor will I ever be 'over it'.

Due to the nature of his death I was in a position to donate his organs. I didn't really think twice about it, it wasn't some heroic decision, it was just what I felt should happen at that time. My grief wasn't more or less by donating my sons organs tbh, it made no real odds to me (I know I sound awful there but i never think about the recipients at all, I dont want to).

I have a newish 'friend' who brings this up semi regularly. Last night I told her to fuck off and kicked her out my house.

When she found out (small town so people talk) she asked a little about it, I told her the vague details, then she said she could never do it. Fair enough.

The last week or so she has absolutely ramped up talking about it, last night basically saying that if I loved my son I wouldn't have allowed it to happen, her child was playing with mine and she looked at them and said "I can't imagine allowing X to be used as spare parts, I love him too much". Wtf, who even says that.

I asked her if she really just said that, and she said "no offence' before continuing on even more being fucking offensive. Going into graphic detail about what happens and why she couldn't allow it to happen. I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't nice.

I asked her to leave and blocked her on everything, I can't really tell anyone irl as it's a small town and I can't be arsed being in the centre of a scandal and people picking sides, or raking up emotions and having the pitying head tilts again.

I know some people couldn't do it, I really do, I absolutely understand that, and I would never judge someone for not choosing to donate, however this isn't the first time I've been judged for choosing to, it's happened a handful of times over the years, the basis being that I obviously didn't love my beautiful son if I allowed this to happen.

I adored him, I loved him every day of his short life, and I have loved him every day since and will until my last breath.

The implication that I didn't because I donated his organs is bloody offensive.

I know there's no real answers or advice to give, I just needed to get this out as I can't irl.

And this. Incomplete contrast to the other horrible thoughtless bin lid!

Hello OP
firstly i am deeply sorry for your loss. I work with palliative paediatric patients and I don’t think there are any words really to be said or about losing a child. Only that’s it’s horrific and shouldn’t happen to any parent.
I also wanted to say that choosing to donate your son’s organs was a hugely courageous and selfless thing to do. You’ve and he saved several other lives sparing someone else going through the agony of what you went through.
the woman you speak about sounds totally ignorant. Im sure she’d want organs if it was a choice between this and losing her own child. I would never speak to her again, she sounds absolutely vile. Im sorry you went through this.

Would those who wouldn’t let their child’s organs be donated be happy to be the recipient of donated organs should the need ever arise?!

Wow, what a heartless and disgusting thing to say to you. Like other PP’s, I think you did right to block her and kick her out. You don’t need this horrible woman in your life, especially while you’re grieving. The decision you made was so brave and saved lives. You don’t have to take opinions on your decision from ANYONE. So sorry for your loss 💐

Its a hard thing to think about but also, for me, a no brainer. I would donate everything from me, my husband and my kids if I were in that situation. THis is because, should I need it, I would take everything we needed and was offered.
I can be quite the hard faced cow when I want to be and would have simply said, ah, I totally understand your views because you wouldnt take an organ if your son needed it would you, because you dont come across as a hypocrite, then I owuld have smiled as she muttered and mumbled her way out of the hole she was digging.
Absolute dickhead.

This. She's vile. The kind of person I'd consider moving to avoid.

What an utterly horrendous excuse for a human being she is. I’m so so sorry, both for your loss and for what that spiteful woman said.

You did an incredibly brave and selfless thing in the hardest circumstances imaginable. I can’t believe you’ve had other comments!!

You are a bigger person than me I’d be telling everyone and letting her be ostracised. Vile bitch.

so sorry for your loss. You of course, did the right thing, you will have helped a lot of other families and even if you couldn’t feel that at the time because of your own grief - someone else did. Thank you. I know of children who’ve been helped by donation. As for this woman, what she’s saying to you is a reflection of something that’s not quite right in her head, as my Dad would say ‘the mechanisms gone’. She’s clearly very anti donation and probably also has some sort of personality disorder whereby she gets a kick out of digging about in other people’s grief. My firm advice would be to keep away from her.
Distance yourself. Refuse to engage. You deserve to enjoy your life to the fullest you can while carrying the memory of your lovely son, you are worth so much more than her and this woman is not worth any of your time or thoughts.

I don’t blame you for kicking her out. I’m so sorry for your loss, and know that you’ve given hope to others in making your decision.

Yes I would use this phrase to any close friends, so they know not to try to include you and her or stage a reconciliation. I imagine that they might innocently invite you and her along to something if they don't know. I would also be clear if anyone specifically asks or you could say something less direct like 'turns out that Arabella and I have very different views on organ donation, I just want to leave it at that'.

Although I personally agree with organ donation I imagine that up to this point I told her the vague details, then she said she could never do it. Fair enough. there are probably quite a few people who hold similar views and might express them. I don't think any of us can actually know until we are in that position but I can see that the thought of it would be upsetting. From here on in she is on her own. What did she possibly think she might achieve? I would surround yourself with existing friends for the moment and leave her to find her own way in the village.

@Babdoc I'm so sorry you had to make this decision for your husband, and I'm so glad that ypur decision gives you some comfort.

I know the ages and sexes of those who were helped by my son, but I've never wanted to know anything more (although there was a situation where I did happen to see a photo of one of the recipients some years later, and that was a very odd situation to me, I still can't get my head around it).

@VintageBlossomHill I am so sorry about your darling girl.

@Jellifulfruit I LOVE talking about my son. He is lovingly referred to as Bug, and he was just 8 months old. He adored Hey Diddle Diddle, I sang it all the time and made a funny noise every time I sang the "mooooooon" bit, it used to crack him up, every time. I used too wear a lot of black and white stripey tops (lord knows I can't get away with stripes now) but I had to stop because he would go cross eyed looking at them 🤣 he had the darkest brown, massive eyes, he looked like a baby owl, and the messiest mop of dark brown hair, I know I'm bias, but he was absolutely beautiful. He had one of those little old man faces, he looked wise beyond his years. He was just amazing, and the grief I feel every day is just the price I pay for loving him so much. I'm so lucky he was in my life even for such a short time. Thank you for asking.

Awful woman. I can't see anyone else siding with her if she starts gossiping. You were very brave and courageous and allowed your beautiful son to save the lives of others .Very few people would think otherwise

Does that mean if her child were ill and needed an organ she wouldn't accept it? What a vile thing to say to someone who has lost a child!

She’s evil. The lowest of the low. Well done for kicking her out. I hope you’re ok 💐

🥹🥹🥹 thank you for sharing that with me. He sounds absolutely darling 💙💙💙 honestly reading about him made my eyes water, and I didn’t even know him but please do keep sharing anything and everything about him because he sounds wonderful and I’d love to hear it.

You sound like the most incredible mum. Xxx

So sorry for you loss OP. What you wrote about your son is beautiful, he was and is very lucky to have a mummy who loves him so much.

That's just beyond comprehension that she thought it was OK to say those horrific things to you or even to think them. Someone so lacking in any basic empathy and decency will surely end up saying something else equally lacking in humanity to someone else so I wouldn't worry about being the one to "out her - just do what is right for you.

Thank you for sharing about your darling boy. That was beautiful to read.

If anyone asked, I'd say that when she found out that you had allowed your lovely boy to be an organ donor, shitface said that meant that you did not love him.

Ignorant cow - her, not you, OP.

Sending love and a huge huge hug.

I have no words for her. You on the other hand are amazing and your little boy will be looking down on you with pride xxx

Firstly thank you for your decision, you and your son changed lives and there are people alive today because of you.

Bug sounds awesome, the way you describe him is wonderful and I can just imagine him going cross eyed at your tshirt!

As another poster said that person who made the vile, uneducated comments is no friend and if I were you I'd make sure everyone else knew what she'd said, her opinions should be exposed and she should feel the judgement that she's put on you and your son.

Hopefully this thread has given you some comfort that what you did was incredible and that people like her are in a vanishingly small minority.

@UnreasonableRant he sounds utterly adorable
what she said to you was unbelievably abhorrent and hurtful; whatever her personal views are she had no right at all to force them on you and criticise and judge you, she was complete out of order. Throwing her out your house was a very measured response considering her actions.

Wow, I have never ever heard anyone express those horrible views. I'd think they were a bit deranged in all honesty, but to express them to someone in your position is just breathtakingly awful. I'm so angry and sad on your behalf.

I'm so sorry about your son. You've done an amazing thing at the worst possible time of your life and it will have made a difference to other lives that is beyond measure.

It's not remotely the same at all but I've been floored in the past by people's comments about IVF (one person called it 'grotesque' to my face, while I was pregnant with an IVF baby). Its so often people who never had to consider it as a possibility for themselves.

You might feel that it isn’t a minority who oppose organ donation as those are the only ones too insensitive to speak out. Most people who hear about your loss and decision would stay quiet unless you wanted to discuss it further.

I would speak to someone irl, gossips will start wondering why you were friendly and now stopped. Keep it simple and as emotion free as possible to avoid drama, as you say she and her family have to live here and you don’t want to set up a feud, but also you deserve support from your friends if things get awkward from here.

Yanbu. You have provided other families with a priceless gift, while going through hell yourself. It’s not for anyone else to comment or decide on your actions.

please don’t give her anymore head space.

I guess its true that those who are anti donation are probably more vocal.

People who have more empathy wouldn't say anything, and I guess when face to face with someone there's no sensitive way to say that something good came from my sons death for other families.

At this point I don't even want anyone to know really, it's sort of irrelevant to what happened to me, but small towns will do what they do best I suppose.

I know if she says anything negative about me that she will be shut down, I've lived here my whole life and am a big part of the community here so people won't trust the word of a new person saying anything, and it would get back to me immediatly.

I'm not really keen on starting anything, but the advise to just be factual if something is said is good, and I will be doing that.

I'll still involve her son in parties and the community things we put on, and be civil towards her when I need to deal with her, but nothing beyond that.

Thank you for all the support, I was just shouting into the void really, but you've given me an opportunity to talk about Bug, which has made me feel so much better, thank you all 🍇

Oops, I meant to put flowers, I guess we can all be healthy and have some grapes instead though 🤣🍇