Vent post - I just need to get it out somewhere. TW -child loss/organ donation.

[UnreasonableRant]

Some years back my son died, it was bloody awful, the circumstances were devastating and I'm not, nor will I ever be 'over it'.

Due to the nature of his death I was in a position to donate his organs. I didn't really think twice about it, it wasn't some heroic decision, it was just what I felt should happen at that time. My grief wasn't more or less by donating my sons organs tbh, it made no real odds to me (I know I sound awful there but i never think about the recipients at all, I dont want to).

I have a newish 'friend' who brings this up semi regularly. Last night I told her to fuck off and kicked her out my house.

When she found out (small town so people talk) she asked a little about it, I told her the vague details, then she said she could never do it. Fair enough.

The last week or so she has absolutely ramped up talking about it, last night basically saying that if I loved my son I wouldn't have allowed it to happen, her child was playing with mine and she looked at them and said "I can't imagine allowing X to be used as spare parts, I love him too much". Wtf, who even says that.

I asked her if she really just said that, and she said "no offence' before continuing on even more being fucking offensive. Going into graphic detail about what happens and why she couldn't allow it to happen. I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't nice.

I asked her to leave and blocked her on everything, I can't really tell anyone irl as it's a small town and I can't be arsed being in the centre of a scandal and people picking sides, or raking up emotions and having the pitying head tilts again.

I know some people couldn't do it, I really do, I absolutely understand that, and I would never judge someone for not choosing to donate, however this isn't the first time I've been judged for choosing to, it's happened a handful of times over the years, the basis being that I obviously didn't love my beautiful son if I allowed this to happen.

I adored him, I loved him every day of his short life, and I have loved him every day since and will until my last breath.

The implication that I didn't because I donated his organs is bloody offensive.

I know there's no real answers or advice to give, I just needed to get this out as I can't irl.

I'm so sorry, OP, that's one of the most appalling things I've read on here. I would be honest with everyone about what she has said.

No doubt this won’t be the only awful and socially inappropriate thing she says or does OP as she seems to have zero clue or filter

She is an awful woman. You did something amazing to make an amazing difference to someone else. I’m so sorry you’re still having to hear comments like this.

Let's hope a child or relative of hers never needs to be a recipient.

Wow! She's an awful disgusting person and I am so glad you kicked her out! You obviously adored your son and your kind actions in your time of ultimate grief meant other Mums and Dads got to carrying on putting their child to bed every night and they will be thankful for you every single day. I bet your 'friend' wouldn't have any issues taking a donor organ!

What an idiot , of course you loved your son and did what you felt right in a selfless act.
Sorry she upset you 😞

Truly shocked that someone would do or say this.

My heart goes out to you. You are a wonderful generous human being.

She's a thoughtless, shallow, self centred, rude bitch. I hope she's smarting at being kicked out.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through everything you have.

I am absolutely gobsmacked at this. 2 reasons - that anyone could be opposed to organ donation and stupid enough to voice that view, and even worse to say it to a person who actually lost a child, I am so shocked.

Hypothetically if you had chosen not to donate you could experience the opposite, people going on about the wonder of organ donation and making you feel guilty you didn't do the 'right' thing.

You were so right to dismiss her OP and you sound like a better person than me - I'd be telling everyone what she said and throw her to the dogs.

You were so brave in such a horrendous situation. Your thoughts sound so well rounded and balanced - her's not so much. Let it slide - she may become more informed in future.

You sound like an incredibly selfless person OP, even down to your concern for her family now. However I would mention it to people for two reasons.

One as she may try and and spread gossip about you so I would want to get ahead of that. Two as she may be just as cruel to others over different things and they deserve to know to be wary of her. Someone so weird and inappropriate is likely to be like that with others too.

Your feelings around the donation make complete sense. It made no difference to your son or family whether the donation went ahead so it's not 'a big deal' in that sense. It will have made an enormous, life changing difference to others at no cost to you so it was the 'obvious' decision. Its also reasonable to be resentful of those who got a chance when your family didn't. It's not fair or right that your son died and you are allowed to be angry about that.

This.
Im sorry that after all you have suffered a thoughtless idiot has made you suffer again.
You sound like a kind and thoughtful person. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that what you did was the right choice. Your choice, no one elses and you don't owe the world an apology or an explanation.
Please don't let this person derail your path to dealing with your grief and rebuilding your life. Try to move past this worthless nonsense.
Is there anyone you could talk to for some support, one of the donor charities, I'm sure others have faced the same challenges and may have some thoughts on dealing with this. Sincerely wishing you all the best.

Your thread has made me cry and furious at the same time.

I am so sorry you have encountered such a shitty person. I have no doubt she would accept a transplant for her child if it saved their life, that would only be possible because even at the most devastating time of your life you could not bear for another mum to go though what you were.

I respect people's right not to donate organs but I do not respect them judging other people who do make that difficult and generous decision.

I just can't even imagine a situation where anyone would think it would be appropriate to express an opinion on anything to do with the death of someone else's child! Like, how many lines did she cross to even get to this point, it's insane! When it comes to sensitive topics like bereavements, you take the bereaved person's lead, surely??

OP, please don't feel you have to justify your feelings in any way, you are allowed to feel as you do. That said, I think that you describe your thoughts very clearly and they make perfect sense to me. Much love to you on this sad journey xxx

Beth the evil bitch would be first in the queue of her child needed a donor organ to save her precious child though 😤

I can imagine OP there is someone if not multiple people out there quietly saying a prayer for you every day, secretly thanking you and wishing you well. Try to take comfort from that, I can imagine this woman has left a trail of destruction and had made many enemies.

OP, I donated my DH’s organs when he died at 36.
Like you, I felt a certain amount of temporary resentment that the recipients were alive and DH wasn’t - I think that is only human, and perfectly normal - but I comforted myself with the thought that DH’s loving heart was still beating, and had saved the life of a 21 year old with terminal heart failure due to congenital Eisenmenger’s syndrome.
You could argue to that vile woman that you loved your child more, because you kept his organs alive, whereas she just wanted to bury or cremate hers.
Either way, your child does not need his physical body in heaven, and you will be reunited eventually in the loving presence of God. (And the absence of that bitch, unless she seeks some serious forgiveness and makes amends in the interim!)
You are right that nobody “gets over” the loss of a child or partner, but I pray that the pain of your bereavement lessens and becomes more bearable with time, and that you become able to remember the happy times with your child, more than the distress of losing him. God bless.

She's an uneducated unkind idiot who has no thought for anyone's feelings

You - deserve a medal

I just want to add another voice to say she’s completely in a tiny minority. The problem is you’ve encountered them more than the average person, so it feels bigger than it is.

If she’s so tactless and socially incompetent, it won’t be long until more people find out and shun her anyway.

Dear god! There are some hideous people out there.

I am so sorry for your loss and so grateful that there are people like you who give others a chance.

She's a piece of work (and I bet she'd think differently if her DC was in need)

You did an incredible thing. She’s a diamond grade twat.

I'm so sorry what a horrible, awful
Person I'm so glad you have blocked her from your life. You did a wonderful thing during the worst moment of your entire life and I'm sorry someone has been so cruel xxx

She is horrendously insensitive. I have a transplant and have lived nearly 10 years longer than I ever expected to (so far). I am so grateful to the unknown donor and think of them regularly. Nothing can take away the pain of your loss but the recipients will be unbelievably grateful.

You are such a compassionate person OP. You made a brave decision at a heartbreaking time to save others from the pain you were suffering and even now - when you have every right to shout from the rooftops about the vile, thoughtless things she said to you - what stands out to me is that you are more worried about the impact this would have on her son. You are kind and that exudes from every word of your post and the world would be a much better place if more people thought and acted like you. Your post has really stopped me in my tracks and I’m going to try to follow your example and be kinder and more compassionate in my thoughts and deeds.

This. I’m so sorry @UnreasonableRant BTW this is definitely not an unreasonable rant! It’s the most justified post ever. I would have given her very short shift too and would refuse to engage with her again. My daughter died in 2011. I will never feel ‘over it’ either. There are still days when I well up thinking of her and that time. Sending you my kindest thoughts.

What’s his name? (If you wanted to share, unless it’s too outing). I’d love to hear all about your son - what was he like? What were his favourite things to do? ❤️