Vent post - I just need to get it out somewhere. TW -child loss/organ donation.

[UnreasonableRant]

Some years back my son died, it was bloody awful, the circumstances were devastating and I'm not, nor will I ever be 'over it'.

Due to the nature of his death I was in a position to donate his organs. I didn't really think twice about it, it wasn't some heroic decision, it was just what I felt should happen at that time. My grief wasn't more or less by donating my sons organs tbh, it made no real odds to me (I know I sound awful there but i never think about the recipients at all, I dont want to).

I have a newish 'friend' who brings this up semi regularly. Last night I told her to fuck off and kicked her out my house.

When she found out (small town so people talk) she asked a little about it, I told her the vague details, then she said she could never do it. Fair enough.

The last week or so she has absolutely ramped up talking about it, last night basically saying that if I loved my son I wouldn't have allowed it to happen, her child was playing with mine and she looked at them and said "I can't imagine allowing X to be used as spare parts, I love him too much". Wtf, who even says that.

I asked her if she really just said that, and she said "no offence' before continuing on even more being fucking offensive. Going into graphic detail about what happens and why she couldn't allow it to happen. I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't nice.

I asked her to leave and blocked her on everything, I can't really tell anyone irl as it's a small town and I can't be arsed being in the centre of a scandal and people picking sides, or raking up emotions and having the pitying head tilts again.

I know some people couldn't do it, I really do, I absolutely understand that, and I would never judge someone for not choosing to donate, however this isn't the first time I've been judged for choosing to, it's happened a handful of times over the years, the basis being that I obviously didn't love my beautiful son if I allowed this to happen.

I adored him, I loved him every day of his short life, and I have loved him every day since and will until my last breath.

The implication that I didn't because I donated his organs is bloody offensive.

I know there's no real answers or advice to give, I just needed to get this out as I can't irl.

Dear god, what a stupid cow she is. You don't need people like that in your life.

You are a wonderful mother, and you did a wonderful thing.

What an absolute cow.

If I were her I would thank my lucky stars that I had not had to make the decision you did.

FWIW I think organ donation is a wonderful gift. I hope the life you have given others is a small comfort to you. I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you for telling us about him, he sounds like an absolute joy 💐

Would you ferment the grapes before you share them round?

You're being very classy about this, much classier than I fear I would be.

Gosh OP I hope that woman is racked with guilt at how she conducted herself. Like others have said, I can guarantee she’d be first in line for donations if it was her child (or probably even her) that needed them.

At the worst point of your life you had consideration for others. Compassion and empathy are priceless qualities to have and I will consider parenting a success if my children have nothing other to show for themselves than that.

Your little boy sounds like a real poppet and although he was only in your life for too short a time, he clearly had the best Mummy in the world for the entirety of his.

I wish you well OP x

What a revolting bitch.

She's absolutely disgusting.
You're amazing.
I am so truly and deeply sorry for the loss of your DS. You're showing this woman more kindness than she deserves.

Vile, evil woman, gets her kicks from devastating heroic women like you.
Love and respect xxx

She sounds like an absolute bitch. As a mother herself she shouldn't think such cruel things let alone say them.

I am so sorry for your loss, and sorry that you have had to deal with someone like that.

She sounds like a drama-loving, uneducated dickhead and you are far better without 'friends' like that op.

I am so sorry that you lost your little boy and what an amazing selfless thing to do 💐 I am speechless what to say other than she is a nasty bitch who wouldn't hesitate to take if she was ever put in that position

What a vile woman. I almost hope she tells someone else what she said so they can tear her a new arsehole, though you are very kind to think of her son and him settling in.

Your little Bug sounds wonderful x

Oh God, please don't use those words. That is absolutely horrific for people like me who had to make the decision to bury or cremate their beloved child.

And the OP.

Bug sounds like an absolute heartbreaker. Thankyou for sharing xx

I have friends who have donated the organs of a loved one and have friends who are alive today because they received a donated organ.

My thoughts are with anyone involved in either side of the process, not with an individual who doesn't have the decency to consider how hurtful their personal opinions are.

Those who experience the sudden, unexpected death of a loved one deserve sympathy whatever decision they make around organ donation.

I didn't know what to say, but I think your strong and brave and what@Dogsitterwoes said is perfect,

Your descriptions of your son are beautiful. I hope you don’t have to have anything to do with that utterly revolting woman again.

Well I saw her today, she looked very uncomfortable, turned away immediatly and walked off in the opposite direction so I guess she won't be trying to apologise or speak, which can only be a good thing for me.

I was pretty harsh with her when I kicked her out, not nasty or anything as her kid was there, just forthright that her expressing that opinion was hurtful and wasn't welcome in my home. It's hard to tell if she is annoyed at me or herself.

I would never say anything to someone who made a different choice to me, it's an awful situation to be in and I cast no judgement on anyone just trying to get through that situation as best they can, it's a totally individual thing, and people, obviously, have strong emotions about it, so I'm not sure why some think it's OK to say that I'm wrong for a choice I made at the worst time in my life.

You could be very pro donation and make a different choice when faced with the reality, or anti donation and change your mind under harrowing circumstances.

Either way the only emotion that should be expressed is compassion imo.

Thank you all again, it's lovely that so many of you read about my little Bug, it really makes me smile knowing he still has an impact in some small way all these years on 🍉🍓🍌 (deliberately decided against flowers this time 🤣)

Your little bug definitely has made an impact. I read about him last night and was thinking about him today, on and off. I'm imagining his lovely dark eyes and his mop of hair. What a blessing that you're his mummy.

Your 'friend' probably isn't used to people putting her in her place and doesn't know how to react. Sounds like someone who rides roughshod over other people without resistance all the time. Maybe she is will more careful next time she decides to insult a grieving mother.

Just wow, I’m actually speechless. People never cease to amaze me! I’m so sorry for your loss, she’s an idiot of the highest order

I've just had an organ transplant last week. I'm still in hospital now in fact. This gift has been phenomenal - life saving. I am so sorry about your son. I can't even begin to imagine your pain. His last act would have been to save the lives of others - I can't see anything bad about that.

If I pass away, anyone can have anything from me. Whats the point of burying organs when there are people dying. I think what you did was absolutely selfless, heroic even, at a time when you must have been in so much pain. 🙏🙏

She sounds like a prize cunt. Absolutely no need to verbalise those thoughts to you, at all. Fuck knows what she thought she was achieving.

You did a wonderful thing and your Bug has saved lives

OP firstly I'm so very very sad to read this and for your loss.

Secondly what an absolute unfeeling, thoughtless comment she made - to quote Harry Potter she has "the emotional range of a teaspoon".

Thirdly - what a great and selfless gift of love for your son... what a great gift to give him the chance to save someone else's life, what a great gift to the families who still have their children because of him and probably think of their unknown donor every single day.

I'd love to think my "spare parts" will come in useful to someone else one day.

I'm sure it must have been an awful time for you but I hope in time your generous, difficult and selfless decision will bring you comfort knowing that your wonderful little boy made things so much better for someone else.