Vent post - I just need to get it out somewhere. TW -child loss/organ donation.

[UnreasonableRant]

Some years back my son died, it was bloody awful, the circumstances were devastating and I'm not, nor will I ever be 'over it'.

Due to the nature of his death I was in a position to donate his organs. I didn't really think twice about it, it wasn't some heroic decision, it was just what I felt should happen at that time. My grief wasn't more or less by donating my sons organs tbh, it made no real odds to me (I know I sound awful there but i never think about the recipients at all, I dont want to).

I have a newish 'friend' who brings this up semi regularly. Last night I told her to fuck off and kicked her out my house.

When she found out (small town so people talk) she asked a little about it, I told her the vague details, then she said she could never do it. Fair enough.

The last week or so she has absolutely ramped up talking about it, last night basically saying that if I loved my son I wouldn't have allowed it to happen, her child was playing with mine and she looked at them and said "I can't imagine allowing X to be used as spare parts, I love him too much". Wtf, who even says that.

I asked her if she really just said that, and she said "no offence' before continuing on even more being fucking offensive. Going into graphic detail about what happens and why she couldn't allow it to happen. I'll spare you the details, but it wasn't nice.

I asked her to leave and blocked her on everything, I can't really tell anyone irl as it's a small town and I can't be arsed being in the centre of a scandal and people picking sides, or raking up emotions and having the pitying head tilts again.

I know some people couldn't do it, I really do, I absolutely understand that, and I would never judge someone for not choosing to donate, however this isn't the first time I've been judged for choosing to, it's happened a handful of times over the years, the basis being that I obviously didn't love my beautiful son if I allowed this to happen.

I adored him, I loved him every day of his short life, and I have loved him every day since and will until my last breath.

The implication that I didn't because I donated his organs is bloody offensive.

I know there's no real answers or advice to give, I just needed to get this out as I can't irl.

Good point @Dogsitterwoes

She is incredibly ignorant and tactless. I’d never speak to her again.

And of course you will never get over it. Sending hugs

OP you absolutely did the right thing for kicking her out. Some things said are unforgivable and can not be unheard.

Unfriend, block never speak to her again.

I’m just sorry you had to listen to her shit.

Personally I would tell everyone. Being ostracised might be educational. You don’t have any responsibility to protect her from the consequences of her own actions.

So sorry for your loss, and that you have come across this unpleasant and unkind person. How anyone can say such ridiculous and mean things is beyond me.
For what it's worth, as a retired ICU Consultant I have had extensive experience of caring for both organ donors and recipients and I would have absolutely no hesitation in donating my own organs or those of any of the people that I love. I think the vast majority of my former colleagues would say the same and I suspect we know far more about really happens than your "friend".
Of course it is always tragic when the situation arises, especially when it's a child, but I can assure you that the staff have nothing but respect and care for the patient and their family and do understand what a terrible time it is for families. In my experience most people do not feel like this person does. Most people think that donors and their families are amazing and are incredibly grateful that families are willing to donate at such traumatic time for themselves.
You have already shown that you are the better person. Carry that on now and just walk away from this so called "friend". You do not need people like this in your life. Don't let her get under your skin. You did a selfless thing at a time of unimaginable pain for yourself. You did the right thing and you are a good person.

I'm just dumbstruck that anyone could be so insensitive. What an awful woman.

That's appalling that she has such a lack of self-awareness and tact that she would voice her (selfish) opinion to you, OP. I'm guessing you don't need validation from strangers about your original, altruistic decision, but about your decision to cut all contact with this dreadful person? You're doing the right thing. Remove this woman from your social orbit, and if you have to see her at school, just move away and don't engage. You have right on your side. And I'm really sorry about your son.

You are better off without her. Who even thinks like that and then says it out loud continuously to a grieving parent. Hideous.

Organ donation is of course very personal and I understand we have choices/opinions on it. However don’t ever underestimate how amazing it is you chose to do that. I’ve worked with those that have received organs and it’s truly amazing.

It makes you no less a mother to have made that decision. We all have our beliefs and understandings of death.

She is despicable.

Vile. Someone in my family’s life was saved due to organ donation.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

On reading your post I just kept thinking yep I'd feel exactly the same and would do exactly the same as you have done. I can't believe she thought it was ok to say these things to you at all - but in your own home with children there?

Absolutely no-one else's business at all and tbh if she's the kind of person who thinks it's ok to discuss this and question it, then who knows what other bizarre views she has. Breathe a sigh of relief that she is out of your life.

@AgeingDoc I have the upmost respect for the staff who dealt with my son and I.

They showed so much compassion, and made a very difficult time go as smoothly as possible. They went above and beyond for us both.

I know I think about the staff who helped us fondly, and often, so please know that you have made such a difference in so many lives.

She is awful and clearly you will have nothing to do with her ever again.

Do not keep quiet about it. As soon as someone mentions you falling out, you need to say "When she found out I donated my son's organs, she said she wouldn't allow her child to be used for spare parts. So no, I won't be talking to her again." Say is calmly and move the conversation on. You have the absolute moral high ground here, don't let gossip paint you as the villain.

Shes a twat. In the hardest moment any parent could imagine you did something amazing that meant other parents weren't in the same position. A real supermum.

Hopefully she will never be in the position to understand fully why you made that decision but it doesn't take much self awareness to know you don't criticise which ever path a grieving parent took.

Sorry for your loss

Shes a nasty cunt. I'd be inclined to tell everyone too. I'd probably have wanted to smack her in the face when I threw her out too.

Thank you for donating, my sister has been saved by a multi organ transplant.

The thought that donating is wrong is beyond belief. I'd have asked her if she loves her kid so much, she'd obviously accept organs to save him, so not being prepared to donate makes her a cunt of the highest order.

I think if you are opted out of the default donation now, you should not be eligible for a transplant. Anything else is hypocritical.

Thank you for thinking of others at the most painful time of your life op.

I'm afraid I couldn't help myself and I would be calling her out so that other people knew just how thoughtless (at best, bloody horrific at worst) she actually is, newby to the village or not.

She would absolutely accept an organ for her dc if needed, her appalling words and behaviour are just despicable

(((HUG)))

I'm very sorry to hear about your son. It's a heartbreak most people can't imagine.

You acted in the moment, doing what you felt was the right thing (it was & it was brave, even though you don't think it was).

i had a dilemma when my Dad died because I knew he'd have wanted to be a donor, but I couldn't cope with the thought of it. However, due to the way he died, he wasn't able to donate.

you made a brave decision that hopefully helped several children. You should be proud of that!!

she's an absolute bitch, it's bad enough ti say 'oh I couldn't do that' but to say what she said is completely unforgivable.

personally I'd have no problem with telling people & letting them make their own minds up about her.

but I'm guessing her own actions will have her left off invitations/inclusion very soon anyway. It's not like she's suddenly going to develop any compassion or learn when to keep her mouth shut!!

you did a very selfless thing. Your love for your son is clear, don't let this bitch continue to make you upset.

what I'd do is hide this thread then take some time today to do something that gives you happy memories with your son & feel those warm loving feelings, & have lots of fun/cuddles with your other DC. & put this bitch behind you. Everytime it pops into your head, actively choose ti think about something nice instead.

much love
xxx

What a vile person. You did the right thing by donating and you did the right thing by throwing. Her out.

I would donate my children's organs too

That's horrendous. How on earth could anyone be so tactless?!!

I am so sorry for your loss OP.
This person is not your friend. She is the very worst sort of person, making your tragedy all about her.
My late son had signed up to the NHs organ donation register, but it was too late by the time he was found.
You did what was right for you, your son and your family.
Nobody else has any right to even express their opinion, in my view.

This is perfect. She is vile and deserves anything she gets.

I can’t actually believe what I have just read, OP, there are no words ! Who the hell does this woman think she is?

Did you say you see her on the school runs? At least it’s the time of year where the schools close so you won’t have to deal with her for a while. But like a previous poster said, I would just be honest if anyone asks , I’m actually appalled on your behalf!

Would she accept organs if her child needed them? I'd assume yes, so she's a massive hypocrite. Thank you for the wonderful gift you and your child passed on to many families

It’s beyond crass to express an opinion about something so devastating to someone when you have zero personal experience of it

Fucking hell, what is wrong with people? I can't believe anyone would be so stratospherically self-absorbed and insensitive and downright cruel as to say something like that to a grieving mother. I am so angry on your behalf.

I agree with the previous poster who suggested telling people exactly the reason why you don't want to ever talk to her again in a calm, factual, brief way. No discussion. Just "this is why and there won't be any further conversation about it."

I'm so sorry you lost your precious, beautiful son and that selfish arseholes like this awful woman add to your distress.

Thank you all for the support.

I feel odd seeing it being described as altruistic and brave etc.

To me, I never really thought about the recipients, in actual fact thinking about the recipients hurt me a bit, I sort of felt resentful that my son wasn't here anymore and they were (I know that sounds horrible) and I would have chose my son every time.

In the time I decided to donate his organs I thought of the Mums of these kids and not having another Mum feeling this way. It just seemed like the obvious thing to do. I would have definitely taken an organ if it meant saving my son, so it just seemed obvious to donate really. I'm not some selfless and brave person, just a Mum.

I can't imagine, at his funeral, feeling somehow better because he still had his kidneys or whatever if that makes sense.

At the minute I do feel like this woman deserves to be ostracised, but she has just bought a house, her kid is settling in, and they are planning in being here for a long time so I don't really want to make her life a living hell, which it would be, it's one of those cliquey places where its hard to fit in as a newbie, which is why I always try and befriend people coming in. I'm not really bothered about her, but her child doesn't deserve it at all.