Overheard something quite personal

[User5653218]

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

Perhaps the people who think this wasn’t an issue would like to name themselves, the street they live on and tell us something deeply personal and intimate about themselves. Preferably something embarrassing, so we can all have a laugh.

So really you're saying that it's fine to kick down?

"Care sector employers aren't brilliant employers so naturally the caters will take it out in the vulnerable clients and what can you do?" Is that the gist?

I was a domiciliary carer during covid. This behaviour is shocking and disgraceful and you should absolutely report them.

Seriously !!!!!
My colleagues and I deal with a lot worseand would in no way ever talk like that in public .would you accept it if it was about somebody who was disabled I think not
Have some respect

🙄😮
Telling someone to fuck off is light relief!

I would report this. I had an elderly relative who had similar issues and she had careers - I know how bad it was because I also helped to clean her up. She would have been devastated to hear such gossip and so would I. It’s unacceptable, this is unprofessional.

To everyone saying ignore it because we need careers etc, For fucks sakes, we need to raise the bar! These are our mothers, fathers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts and uncles. Yes care is a shitty job (literally), yes it’s underpaid and underfunded, but that doesn’t mean we should accept our elderly being laughed at and taken the piss out of.

If Mary had been anyone else this thread would go very differently. We need to stick up for our aging population a lot more than we do.

Absolutely report.

I would tell the care agency. These people are vulnerable and it’s heartbreaking to hear the carers talking about them in this way.

Don't tell Mary- the last thing you what is for her to withdraw from a social contact out of humiliation- but it is a nice idea to check on her.

I agree with reporting this with full details. I would go above the agency too. If their conditions are so bad that the employees feel so hard done by then they need accountability too.

I understand humour being used to cope with a demanding job, but this was deeply inappropriate and in breach of confidentiality to discuss Mary's personal care and continence issues in earshot of the public. The carer knows this full well and had the opportunity to put it right but chose to be abusive instead when in uniform. They aren't suited to the job. Better they are replaced.

And yes, I do work as a healthcare assistant while I retrain so I do wipe my share of bottoms. I know it isn't the world's most delightful task but there is reward in doing it with care and dignity.

I think you would be doing a good thing in looking out for a vulnerable person.

@Philosopherstone @SophiaElise

so you would both be happy that neighbours hear this being said about your relativise!

shame on you

Actually, for me, it would be her response to you that would cement my feelings of disquiet.
She may ( hoping), be lovely, kind, professional and dignified when dealing with 'Mary'. And be letting off steam during colleague conversation. However, her defensive and rude attitude towards your entirely legitimate challenge to her would, I'm afraid, tell me otherwise. I hope, if it were me, I would have been mortified, apologetic and tried to go, some way, to agreeing it was unprofessional at best...
Her response would, most definitely, make me contact the agency. But not to let Mary know!

Should I report them to their agency?

Yes 💯

Also report to the Care Quality Commission. Imagine that was your mum 😥

Yes you really ought to report her. I'd be devastated if that was my parent.

Except it's in a public place so not just between colleagues, is it?

I would report immediately to the agency, and I would also tell them you spoke to the member of staff and exactly what they said.

for all those saying don’t @Philosopherstone and @SophiaElise looking at you here, this reflects badly on the agency, as I certainly wouldn’t recommend them bearing in mind how one, if not two staff members talk about clients

I really hope you are joking because otherwise you're in the wrong job

Reading this is upsetting OP. If I were in your position, I don't think I would hesitate in contacting the agency.

I can't believe some people think it's OK or at least understandable for carers to talk about vulnerable people in that way. My mother has carers and I would be horrified and devastated to think her carers would talk and laugh about her like that. Please op report it.

Sorry, this has absolutely summed up my points, very clearly

Tell the company. That's a huge breach of confidentiality.

How unbelievably nasty. She told you to fuck off because she knows she's fucked up. If you can't treat vulnerable people with a modicum of respect then you shouldn't be in that kind of job.

Tell the company.

Fucking hell - 'banter' my arse. That word is used to make people feel like kill joys for not 'getting the joke'. Vulnerable old people fouling themselves isn't something to joke about with your colleagues.

If the carer had apoligised, I would have put it down to letting off a bit of steam. But the reaction you got, I would report 100%. If she talks to you like this, how does she talk to her clients?

I bet if the person being cared for was a child not an elderly person, the reaction here would be very different.

I would report immediately to the agency, and I would also tell them you spoke to the member of staff and exactly what they said.

This - my DMum had to report a carer for making some unpleasant comments about Dad in her presence - it really upset her the comments and on top of everything else making a complaint. Everyone was shocked and was she sure - anyway she found out later though village gossip carer had pervious form - it was a pattern of behavior that was slowly building up.

Cynically I suspect most will happen is a reminder not to talk about confidential material in public places - but even so worth reporting just for that and any pattern to be on record.

I'd report. In a similar situation, I did and I have no regrets.