Overheard something quite personal

[User5653218]

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

As an assistant manager at a domiciliary care company, I would say that this so called carer didn’t take on board their dignity and respect training and would be dismissed instantly had they been reported to the company. Their attitude towards a member of the public would also be a sackable offense and classed as gross misconduct.

Erm I have done this job, yep it's really hard. That woman is an absolute twat and deserves to lose her job

I suggest you contact the company, tell them what happened and follow up by putting it in an email/letter to formalise it. It's unlikely the staff would be dismissed as they might deny it happened and there were no other witnesses. But, the company should discuss it with them and investigate. The company may have had other concerns raised about these staff members that you're not aware of, Mary may have raised concerns already, it should be a prompt to the company to ensure all staff are reminded about confidentiality, professional behaviour, dignity, privacy and respect. They may also monitor the staff more closely and complete spot checks and ask Mary for feedback on the care she receives. This behaviour is totally unacceptable.

I’d ask Mary how she was being treated by the care agency. Just say you’re inquiring as you know someone else who needs assistance.

if they are treating her well, then I’d say nothing.

if they are not - then absolutely call the agency and tell them about the behaviour and how they are treating Mary.

If the same situation should happen again just inform her that you will be reporting it. Watch them squirm.

I agree that a semi anonymous report to the care home would be the best option

Absolutely tell the company.

I used to work in a care home whilst at uni (loved it), there was one woman who was really nasty and we found out she was abusing the residents. She would have done something like this (she was sacked),

it shows a total lack of compassion- one day we will all probably be there, I wish carers could be paid a lot more. This person obviously isn’t suited to the job I would tell the company (but suspect they’ll do nothing)

100% report them to the agency. It’s not just about being overheard, those women should not have been laughing about their clients in that manner. Mary, and their other clients, deserve dignity and respect. Mary deserves better than this.

I am shocked there is any debate on this thread.

REPORT HER.

It doesn't really matter how this carer is with Mary when she's with her.

I don't give a shit if she gets sacked and can't pay her bills.

The fuck off and attitude of her pales in comparison to the way she is speaking about a service user. THAT is the main issue. Breaking confidentiality and speaking about a service user is such a derogatory and cruel way. It's disgusting there is no other word for it.

People like this need to be weeded out of the industry.

Report to the Care Service and the Local Authority Safeguarding Team.

I hope they sack her and throw the book at her. I hope she never works with vulnerable people ever again.

Scumbag.

Tell the agency but not Mary. That’s appalling behaviour and shows no respect of their clients.

In what world is saying ‘she shit in the chair’ describing her bodily fluids in detail? That’s not really giving any detail at all, there’s not a single adjective (‘describing word’) in there. It’s also not slagging anyone off to state they’ve what in the chair, it’s a fact. Stating a fact about something that happened at work to a colleague is not unreasonable, although it should absolutely not have been done in a public place where it could be overheard.

@MolkosTeenageAngst

It should not have happened so publically but it did. Therefore, if needs reporting. Gross breach of confidentiality and a poor display of upholding someone’s dignity. There are zero excuses here. I speak as someone who has done the exact same job.

In what world is saying ‘she shit in the chair’ describing her bodily fluids in detail? That’s not really giving any detail at all, there’s not a single adjective (‘describing word’) in there. It’s also not slagging anyone off to state they’ve what in the chair, it’s a fact. Stating a fact about something that happened at work to a colleague is not unreasonable, although it should absolutely not have been done in a public place where it could be overheard.

Well it WAS overheard! By a neighbour of their client. Outside her house!

And then they laughed.

^so in a belittling manner
Private Details
Health & Care Details
Name
Security Breach
Dressed in her uniform and with her company details on the car^!!!!
Never mind telling OP to Fuck Off

What more do you want that this?

^
^

My son used to do in home care and never spoke about a client like that, or in any identifiable way, even if telling a funny story (some of the clients had pets and he might tell an anecdote about a cat, but even then the client was they / them and no personal details shared). I’d not want anyone speaking about me or mine the way those women did. Poor Mary..

To be honest I've found it really positive that so many caring professionals and people who actually do this job, are saying what appalling behaviour this is. And how they would never do it or tolerate it.

Thank you.

In what world is saying ‘she shit in the chair’ describing her bodily fluids in detail? That’s not really giving any detail at all, there’s not a single adjective (‘describing word’) in there. It’s also not slagging anyone off to state they’ve what in the chair, it’s a fact. Stating a fact about something that happened at work to a colleague is not unreasonable, although it should absolutely not have been done in a public place where it could be overheard.
Would you like someone to discuss your bodily functions in public to anyone passing, how about the time you had diarrhoea and shit your pants ?
We are socialised to keep that kind of stuff private. A lot of older people are embarrassed when they first start needing help with personal care, they will literally sit in their own waste insisting everything is fine, until you persuade them to let you help them.
Imagine that trust being broken and their last shred of dignity being joked about for everyone to hear. It’s not nice and it’s not letting off a bit of steam, it’s nasty and hugely disrespectful.
Let it go. Your situation is not comparable and your continuing defence of the behaviour is a huge disservice to the many decent and caring care workers out there, that do not behave like that.

Some things need to remain private. They should be kept between the client and the caregiver. Or the loved one and caregiver if family are involved in their care. It’s about respecting the person. Jesus, there’s things I’ve done for my son as his mum/caregiver and it will never pass my lips. In time family members will also do these things but it will also remain between them and their brother. As it does with his live in carers. I just don’t understand your warped sense of reasoning here.

Well said.

As someone who was a carer for 20 years my advice is most definitely contact the care agency, as a home carer you are supposed to treat your clients with dignity & respect that includes not discussing their care with others who don't have any direct involvement with that client. There is far too much abuse that goes on un detected in the care industry by the people who are supposed to care for those vulnerable people. If she is talking that way about 'mary' to someone else, there is a high chance she is not providing the level of care that 'mary' deserves. As a carer you do jobs that are pleasant but you do it to ensure dignity for clients.

Report them to the agency.
I was a carer for some time visiting people in their homes to do various jobs, one of them being personal care. I would never have spoken about a client in that way and if I had heard one of my colleagues taking the piss I would have said something to them. They call themselves Carers?? They're in the wrong job and probably only doing it because they need the money. I've always thought that a good carer is someone who is passionate about their Job, about the care they provide and the needs of the people they care for. Having empathy and patience. Being positive and encouraging. Reliable and respectful of choices. Reports in the media about negative incidences involving carers and the bad treatment of clients in care homes is all down to the wrong people doing the job, who couldn't give a fuck about their clients so long as they get paid at the end of the month. Maybe all residents in care homes to have cameras installed in their rooms as standard. In clients own homes, it would be down to the client to get a camera installed.
There is no excuse how the carer and speaker phone carer behaved about Mary. And what's more she was sitting in her car with the agency's name on it.

All of it.

I dont care how much she gets paid or how she works. Totally irrelevant

This

dcthatsme
Is it the slagging off or the window open that bothers you? Or both? I would prefer carers not to be talking about anyone like this and it is very unprofessional to be doing so at top volume. Having said that poor Mary is being looked after someone who is being paid a barely living wage who is not being respected by the so-called decent society that is paying her to look after its elders. It’s a tough job. I don’t know how she behaves at work. She might be a decent but no-nonsense plain spoken person who gets on with the bottom wiping for what £9.50, £10 an hour?

So patronising to the many carers on here who respect client confidently and also just wouldn't dream of doing this. Regardless of what they are paid.

Ditto. I don't see a single carer on here rolling out all the pathetic explanations for why this is ok and how we just need to understand or turn a blind eye.
I'm sure the cater in OP's post knows EXACTLY how unprofessional she was being.

There was one further up who played out the whole do you know how hard a job it is bla bla. Leave then.