Overheard something quite personal

[User5653218]

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

Well I don’t know what to say apart from that I haven’t been sacked and my workplace culture is obviously very different from yours, swearing is not uncommon. I know am not the only person to have sworn at the head, several of my LSAs and TAs who I line manage have sworn at me. It’s a hard job, we are encouraged to ‘hot debrief’ after stressful incidents. Obviously nobody is swearing in front of the students but emotionally and physically stressful situations are common, lots of our students require 2:1 or 3:1 staff at all times due to their challenging behaviour and might have several incidents a day where staff are having to physically intervene to prevent them harming themselves or others. If you’ve just come out of an incident where you’ve been kicked and bitten and covered in shit then sometimes you are going to swear as soon as you get in front of another adult! It’s not personal and nobody takes it as such.

I don’t know how this carer is actually behaving when she looks after Mary. Of course I want Mary, you, me and my mum or whoever to be treated with dignity - what else would any of us want? - it’s crass and inappropriate of the carer to be blathering away on speaker phone about the woman she looks after but if she actually works with kindness and professionalism when she’s with Mary then I don’t think you can be so dismissive. If she’s awful, curt, cruel and disrespectful with Mary then it’s a no brainer. But do we know how she is when she’s working? If OP overheard a conversation between mates who were laughing about a person pooing their pants but she doesn’t know how this person actually dealt with that person then no, I, personally, can’t judge her. For all we know she might have dealt with her kindly. She overheard a conversation off duty - not a situation where her neighbour was being looked after.

👏@

It. Doesnt. Matter.

So again- if I am lovely to pupils but slag them off with my window open when relatives are nearby that's okay?

Very different to describing the kids bodily fluids in detail on the street

I work in a similar.role.to yours and have managed never to tell my boss to fuck off.

Is it the slagging off or the window open that bothers you? Or both? I would prefer carers not to be talking about anyone like this and it is very unprofessional to be doing so at top volume. Having said that poor Mary is being looked after someone who is being paid a barely living wage who is not being respected by the so-called decent society that is paying her to look after its elders. It’s a tough job. I don’t know how she behaves at work. She might be a decent but no-nonsense plain spoken person who gets on with the bottom wiping for what £9.50, £10 an hour?

I am glad you reported it. I used to work as a carer in a children's home and also as a teacher and yes we would let off steam talking about stuff in the staff room, however, people need to realise how much a voice on speakerphone in a car can be heard, they may think its a private conversation but, for example, when my neighbour pulls up in her car I can hear everything her friend is saying over speakerphone!

There are plenty of other jobs for £9.50 - £10 per hour if they can’t show the level of human decency and respect required to be a carer.

Unfortunately this is the type of attitude that leads people to think that they should tolerate abusive relationships and care - because the alternative ‘could be’ worse.

having good standards of care which include treating vulnerable people with dignity and respect should be upheld. Report these women, if this is what you heard in public imagine what goes on behind closed doors

I've been a carer and used the service for my sick husband.

Please report to Adult Social Care and the agency. Its definitely not on to mock a client this way or speak to you the way you say they did.. none of us know if we ir family might need to use such a service..

I'm always amazed at the varying responses to any given situation on MUMsnet, from compassionate to cruel, from polite to foul, open-mindedness, narrow-mindedness, etc, etc, etc.

The fact remains, OP politely said excuse me, and stated a seriously appropriate concern. She was met with "we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've sat in their own shit for God knows how long?" Followed by fuck off. That girl had the wrong attitude for that job no matter how often she cleans up shit. That's just an excuse for bad behavior.

It appears the fuck off has become the main subject of debate, and although it's rather disgusting and rude, it's become the go-to phrase with certain types of people in each walk of life. Sad but true.

To me, the more important breach was everything else she said, and anyone who thinks it was acceptable in any way what-so-ever has a serious lack of decency.

Light relief banter between colleagues is fine but not when they use the client’s name in a place they can be overheard. That’s a breach of client confidentiality.

Were was that the same as some gobby piece of s**t who is broadcasting to the neighborhood and needs to be fired

You sound like an incredibly caring person and I'm grateful we still have people looking like you looking out for their neighbours. Their behaviour was appalling after you told them they could be heard. You 100% did the right thing.

Yes report her to the agency, data protection has been broken by this incident as the 'carer' had literally BROADCASTED a service users confidential and personal information then laughed about it.

That was no way to treat a vulnerable elderly lady and was totally out of order.

All I ask is that you report this incident asap, the care company need to dismiss the carer for gross missconduct. The lengths that care companies' go to to protect their service users' confidentiality is tremendous, they have to treat confidentiality and safeguarding as very high priority due to the vulnerability of their service users.

I would report to the agency. My mother was in the position of needing carers a number of years ago. Aa situation arose where my mother had bed sores that were so bad she ended up in respite care in hospital, just for a limited time in order to treat the sores with a view to this being a temporary arrangement so that she could return home. However. On admission to hospital, it became apparent that it was so bad that the time it took to treat the sores and the nature of her original illness meant that she deteriorated to a level that she never did return home and this hastened her premature death. It subsequently came out in investigating her care that it was so substandard that this was the cause of her hastened demise. Now it's very easy to say that "it's a low paid job, and I couldn't do it, so, good on them for choosing that vocation" is an absolute cop out. I did used to work as a carer. And I took it very seriously. Every person was treated With the respect I would give my own family. But, because it is such a low paid job, you don't necessarily get the person that's right for the job. So I would definitely say something

This woman clearly doesn’t give a toss about confidentiality or respect for others in a public place. If anyone really believes that she suddenly becomes a kind caring person behind closed doors is incredibly naive.

I would report her to the company for sure.

Speaking as a nurse, I think you should 100% tell the care company. Give as much detail about the ‘carer’ as possible. This is shocking.

If this woman is speaking to you like that imagine what she is speaking to Mary like. There is a good chance Mary is paying an eye watering amount for that care too. I would absolutely report this. The woman sounds vile. Mary deserves better.

And there lies the problem with the care industry. Here some many stories of people who are miss treated in care homes, ridiculing those they care caring for is one step away.

I think you did the right thing.

I’m glad the OP took the matter seriously and reported the carer.

I can’t believe the behaviour of people who say “I don’t want the carer to lose their job, so I won’t report abuse.”

my MIL in law had carers, who told her “they didn’t have time to change the bed” when she had wet it.

we checked the CCTV and the carer had stayed just 3 minutes but signed the sheet to say 30 minutes and my mother in law was charged for 30 minutes.

the carer would also “do some basic shopping” such as bread / milk etc.

the CCTV showed she was asking for money and handing over a receipt for her own shopping!!

She was taking payment for £60 for a pint of milk and a loaf of bread!

So whilst on the face of it to some people it may sound “nothing” it could be a red flag for her conduct.

Shocking, you only have to put yourself in that position if they were talking about your close relative. Even if you did tell the care company CQC we all know how these places are managed would THEY even do anything about it?

Report to the local authority adult social care. Note the time and date. You can do this anonymously. It's not for us to be judge and jury, but part of "care" is the way on which the job is viewed. It's hard and it's not pretty, but kindness, dignity and respect are essential. Whether this care worker no longer cares or is fatigued by the role is not for us to speculate, but every adult deserves respect and that's not being demonstrated here. I hope that when I get to need that support, people look out for me too, because it's a lonely place to be. Please report this.

As a Senior Support Worker if I heard any of my colleagues talking this way I would report them. This is breaking all rules of dignity, respect or data protection. These carers should not be taking like this in public or to each other.

I work in an area where staffing is a struggle but we always find a way to ensure all our clients are cared for.

Report them.