Overheard something quite personal

[User5653218]

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

I dont agree with tne poster calling you split personality but you are still very much in the wrong.

None of this is helping your cause.

Not a big deal in my local northern working class area, although was very different when I lived down south in a naice middle class area.

I live in a northern wc town. We’re not savages and It is not normal to tell strangers to fuck off.

What the person in the car was doing was breaching her client’s confidentiality. That is actually against the law. Definitely report it to the agency and the Quality Care Commission.

It's how they responded to the OP that is even more shocking. She doubled down and spoke about the patient, who is known to OP, in a disgracefully unpleasant manner. Informing the op that she'd been faecally incontinent and sat in it for ages, and asking the op if she'd like to clean it up in such a way as to clearly indicate that she thinks it's an awful job that she shouldn't have to do, and because she does do it, no one is allowed to expect anything like decency, kindness or respect from her.

Breaking confidentiality is unacceptable. It happens sometimes, curtains in wards are not soundproof, reception desk phones are not muted etc but in those occasions the most I've heard is one side of a compassionate, professional and necessary conversation. Breaking confidentiality whilst being rude, unprofessional and unkind is a whole new level of low.

That you'd be ok with this person around someone vulnerable that you love is weird. Because I wouldn't want them within 100 miles of me and mine.

I’d 100% report the disrespectful bitch to the care company.

However, I absolutely wouldn’t mention any of this to your elderly neighbour.

I would have gone straight to CQC.

While it’s unfortunate (and quite a coincidence) that you knew who they were talking about, everyone needs to vent about their work.
We talk about our classes in the Staffroom and the funny/ridiculous things the children say or do and I know that my own children have been almost certainly spoken about in their school Staffroom for their bonkers ness.

id leave it if I were you. It wasn’t ideal that you heard it but just move on.

Please report them to the agency. As a social worker working with vulnerable older people it is really important that we don’t allow people like that to be in the caring services.
the attitude when you challenged them says that they do not have the caring skills they need to do such an important job

I probably wouldn’t tell somebody to fuck off, but that’s not really in my personality. If I was at work I would be professional toward a stranger but if I was out of work in a public place and moaned to a colleague about one of my students, eg: ‘Jimmy was hard work today he kept getting upset and stripping’ and someone approached me and said actually they are Jimmy’s neighbour and I really ought to be more careful etc I don’t think I would apologise to them though, for all I know they are lying about knowing them and I wouldn’t want to potentially get into a conversation about a student. That said, I wouldn’t talk about a student in public, I do agree that it’s not appropriate to do so, my only defence for that has been that the person who was talking about Mary was on the other end of a phone and potentially had no idea the conversation was being broadcast.

Sorry if you find my post patronising/ offensive, I don’t think care workers are too thick to conduct themselves and I have not said that anywhere. You are reading things into my posts that I have not said and do not think. I think everybody who works a stressful emotionally draining job can snap sometimes, I certainly have and so have most if not all of my colleagues. It’s nothing to do with intelligence, everybody can only be emotionally resilient up to a certain point and everybody can become overwhelmed and act in a way they regret afterwards if pushed. Emotional resilience and conduct have nothing to do with intelligence, just look at all the Oxbridge educated politicians who have been caught acting in unprofessional ways. Obviously from the OPs telling of a single, brief interaction with this carer there is no way for anybody on this thread to know whether it was the case here of the carer snapping or whether the carer conducts herself in that way regularly, nobody can know what kind of carer she is. I’m not defending her behaviour as such, I’m saying that there isn’t enough information shared to make a judgement and that there may be a side to it or explanation that the OP hasn’t portrayed.

While it’s unfortunate (and quite a coincidence) that you knew who they were talking about, everyone needs to vent about their work.

It's not that much of a coincidence as they were parked on Mary's Street near her house.

It was dam sloppy as much as anything.

Letting of steam is one thing - but they really didn't give a shit.

Its gross misconduct and should result in that carer losing their job if the correct procedures are followed. And just as well as they are not suited to the job.

I know a great many good carers who are not sickened or repulse by the specifics of personal care. It’s not uncommon; carers who actually care would not behave in this way and also privacy and dignity are an important part of carer training. Carers who don’t adhere to the rules (and they aren’t guidelines they are rules) get weeded out eventually as the importance of whistleblowing is also in the training.

Report to the company asap and you should also seriously consider reporting to the CQC - [email protected]

I’m saying that there isn’t enough information shared to make a judgement and that there may be a side to it or explanation that the OP hasn’t portrayed.

None of us were there. None of us are mind readers.

But the carer was doing a very good impression of someone who was NOT a good carer.

They were unprofessional, broke confidentiality, were rude and uncaring.

SO where do you go from there?

You really are flogging a dead horse here.

You're in the staffroom, with other members of staff who are also registered professionals bound by rules of confidentiality, in your place of employment that is access controlled.

If you had those same conversations, or those conversations happened about your children and their specific continence issue, on say, a train as 2 TAs travelled sitting at a table behind you, using your child's name and clear indication of the school/your address, you'd feel exposed and possibly humiliated. Hurt on your child's behalf, and feeling doubt as to the boundaries of their inability to behave professionally when you aren't around to overhear. No?

Yes you should report this I would not want these people any where near somebody I knew. Also her reaction to you was disgusting. What goes on that nobody else can hear or see…. The way they spoke about this poor woman is absolutely horrendous …

If you work with students, I'm appalled you told your manager to fuck off

That aside, talking about students in the staffroom, which you shouldnr be doing, isn't comparable.

The comparison would be sitting in the strert with your windows open, slagging a child off on loud speaker about their bodily fluids or disability.

Thats the equivalence.

this woman don't deserve a job. Totally inappropriate. Report it as this is a breach of confidentiality and I would hate to think how she treats her clients when she is alone with them. You could report her to CQC if you don't want to go to the care agency. Awful person.

Trigg's here

Yes good point. It was a serious error of judgement segment by the care worker but telling the agency (which I gather was done) will potentially wreck that person’s earning potential
in the short term definitely.

I Couldn’t do that to someone.

Yes, definitely report them to their agency. My mother has carers and would be horrified if her carers behaved like that.

Very distressing but do you know whether they treat Mary with respect and kindness when they are with her? Perhaps they are just decompressing on what is probably a really stressful and at times unpleasant and poorly-paid job. I think if Mary is being looked after and is able to keep some modicum of dignity you need to step back from what is a really distressing situation for you and let it go. My sister and I care for our mum and we do sometimes have a good laugh about the crazy situations that dementia and old age puts us in but we do care for her and try and help her to the best of our ability and our laughter is between the two of us. Laughter is often a way of dealing with stress and unpleasantness.

I am a carer and i work in different settings fir different agencies with vulnerable people, PLEASE report that carer, she's a disgrace for her "profession"!!! Of course don't say anything to poor lady Mary but warn the agency on the phone speaking to the manager, report IN WRITING the exact discussion with the exact words and description of carer and time of the discussion.
That carer will be fired on the spot by her agency, i can assure you, and she will have an hard time finding a similar job due to bad references afterward (but honestly i hope she will choose another kind of job). It's true we are paid poorly but we have a lot of annual trainings about confidentiality, privacy and respect and a breach of those is taken VERY VERY seriousky. REPORT HER please.

Ms Mary will be assigned someone different, agencies are recruiting carers all the time, plenty of people around, i hope next carer will be much better.

Think about the person that they are talking disrespectfully about. If that was your parent, you wouldn’t like it. That sort of person doesn’t belong in the caring industry.

Report for sure. Disgusting lack of respect. I taught kids and one shat himself in a lesson. I did not laugh about it after with colleagues. I made sure the class did not know what had happened. Got them all outside on the pretence if something else. This is unacceptable behaviour by someone in an ‘altruistic’ profession. Any idiot knows car phone convos blare out ! Also she was local which is even more unacceptable.

I didn’t tell her to fuck off in front of any students.

Maybe the issue is I don’t see how saying ‘Mary shit on the chair’ is being interpreted as slagging her off. I wouldn’t slag off any of the students I work with but I might say something along the lines of, ‘it was a hard day, Jimmy smeared shit all over himself and the classroom again’ to a colleague if I needed to offload to them. Depending on the context that might be met with sympathy, it could be met with a laugh or it could be met with the colleague sharing a similar story from their day. Sometimes we do have to laugh about the stuff that happens at work, I know I care deeply about the kids I work with and I know my colleagues do too so if we are laughing it is done in the knowledge we all adore and respect the kids but with understanding that the job can be hard work to deal with and sometimes you can’t take the situation too seriously, honestly it would be too emotionally difficult if I was very earnest and serious about each of the children’s behaviours all of the time and couldn’t see a funny side to some of the situations we end up in at work.

Obviously I would never discuss work in the street with windows open, but I have spoken to colleagues about work over the phone before. I’ve always assumed it was in private and it wouldn’t even occur to me someone might have me on speakerphone loud enough to be heard in the street! Obviously that was unacceptable, but it may not have been intentional on the part of the carer who was not present and on the phone.