Overheard something quite personal

[User5653218]

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

Advocate for mary and in her best interest write to local authority adult social care and submit a complaint
And no Mary won’t be whisked off to languish in a care home because a carer got replaced

Appalling for them to be mocking her. How awful “Mary” was forced to sit in her own excrement until a designated visit. Definitely report them. I’d also call social work because it’s a safeguarding issue breaching her privacy.

Too many responses to read, but I would report it to the company, and also to the data commissioners office. No one external should be able to find out about her care, especially something like that. Them having the conversation like this is essentially the same as leaving the medical record documenting that just lying about down the pub for everyone to read. It’s not acceptable.

How do you know it was banter? The OP doesn’t use the word banter anywhere? How can you know what kind of laugh it was when you weren’t there and the OP hasn’t elaborated?*

OP wrote this. You must have missed it.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her.

This is what OP was reacting to.

You did the right think imo. Letting off steam is fine providing the environment is suitable. Well done OP.

Light relief.. would you like them to take about your mother that way.. it's cruel .. I've worked in social care .. report her !

I know carers who care. This is not acceptable. I would absolutely report them to the care commission. Nurses deal with bodily fluid as do doctors dentists. Would you like to hear them mocking patients publicly.The aim is to raise the status of care workers and part of this requires professional behaviour. Mocking people like they were doing is vile. I used to work in a shop and some colleagues despised customers. If you don't like the job, don't do it.

Mary had no dignity in this situation and you were verbally abused , this was wrong on every level.We all hope carers are trustworthy and respect the vulnerable people they work with… it’s highly likely this isn’t Marys experience.

please report as a safeguarding to adult social care not the care agency.your anonymity will be maintained but you will hopefully ensure Mary gets treated with compassion and care she deserves x

No, you need a reality check.

Nobody said they were a nurse, I certainly am not. Just because they all talk disgustingly doesnt make it okay.

I dont care if she took every shift. It's a disgrace. And your post with the description is absolutely foul.

100000% report them.

You'd be insane not to.

People like that should be far far away from caring for anyone. They need to be weeded out and exposed.

No way in hell would I want anyone like that within a mile of a member of my family.

People who turn a blind eye to things like this are the problem.

Report them, don't even question it.

Please tell the company.

We do not have to accept this for our elderly population just because the care sector is so under funded. This is people's dignity. If these carers can not allow a person to keep their dignity they should not be carers.

Imagine a teacher ridiculed a pupil like this. Would you fail to report it?

Thank you for standing up for Mary (and all the elderlyj. I agree that in addition to what you have done, you need to report to the cqc.

I saw in another of your posts that you are autistic. Do you also have a split-personality? Whatever! The first you asked "Why should she say sorry to a complete stranger?" Answer - "Because that's the nice thing to do if you have any nice in you". The final comment the second you made is accurate. But it's sad... no pathetic, that the best carer in the world has this other rude, nasty side to her. What a waste of great potential.

Nobody like dealing with shit, apart from perhaps fetishists. If literally nobody did care work unless they liked cleaning up shit the only carers would be perverts. I love my job, I love the people I work with but I don’t like every aspect of it and cleaning up someone less shit is not ever going to be a part of the job people like or look forward to. I do agree care workers should be professional, but the OP doesn’t actually say that the carers were mocking Mary, her complaint was that they mentioned something sensitive in earshot of the OP and it seems everyone else has somehow interpreted it as mocking and ridiculing and being derogatory despite nothing the OP initially wrote in the conversation equating to mocking.

Im a ex agency care working.. absolutely report them!! What a digusting way to talk about a vulnerable women.

I agree with everything FreeSpirit has said and genuinely can’t believe that there are some on here who are defending the indefensible.
If nothing else the conversation that took place on the phone was a breach of Mary’s confidentiality as it took place where others could, and did hear what was being said.
I feel sorry for Mary and all the others being visited by this pair. Judging by the vitriolic response OP received to a not unreasonable request I have a feeling that care may not be of the highest quality and compassion sadly lacking

Definitely report them. They sound horrible. There's many other carers out there who can replace them, don't worry about that. You can't let people get away with being so degrading to another human being just because they require some help. They're someone's sister, daughter, mother, aunt, wife, they're a human being and deserve respect. I'm glad you even spoke out to them at all, well done. I wouldn't tell Mary because she has enough going on as it is and doesn't need the upset, I would however let a family member know if she has any visit.

I don’t have a split personality as far as I know. What makes you think that.

I don’t think it’s true that a nice person should always say sorry to a stranger, in this situation the carer was sat in her car and was approached by a complete stranger who started berating her for something which, as far as the carer was to know, was literally none of her business. Why should she apologise to the OP for something that is nothing to do with her? Had Mary approached the car obviously she should have apologised, but she hasn’t done anything wrong towards the OP so what is there to apologise for? I would feel intimidated if a stranger approached my car to start berating me, confrontation would cause a fight or flight response in me and if I was stuck in a car and couldn’t escape I might react impolitely. It’s not because I’m not nice and I would probably feel guilt and overthink it afterwards but anger is not an uncommon defence mechanism if somebody feels cornered and intimidated, no one here has any idea how the carer was feeling in that moment or what was going on with her. As a carer she had probably dealt with a number of difficult or heartbreaking situations over the course of her shift and a stranger confronting her whilst she was trying to debrief may have been the final straw to cause her to snap. You can’t judge a person based on one conversation you’ve heard written out second hand over an internet forum, everyone loses their cool sometimes, everybody has a rude side and it’s also the case that for lots of people things like casual swearing and telling somebody to fuck off are no big deal, it’s quite normal in my local area for people to swear and it’s not really seen as rude, I have told my manager to fuck off on more than one occasion for example and it was just shrugged off. Not a big deal in my local northern working class area, although was very different when I lived down south in a naice middle class area.

. I do agree care workers should be professional, but the OP doesn’t actually say that the carers were mocking Mary, her complaint was that they mentioned something sensitive in earshot of the OP and it seems everyone else has somehow interpreted it as mocking and ridiculing and being derogatory despite nothing the OP initially wrote in the conversation equating to mocking.

I think it's the laughing. And we don't need to analyse the type of laugh to know the whole scenario was inappropriate to be broadcast across the street.

It was undignified with respect to Mary and she would have been mortified.

In this case the sum is greater than the parts. It's is undignified and mocking whether you can see it or not.

The final straw was telling OP to FOff.

And with respect, you are totally out of step with most people on this thread.

@MolkosTeenageAngst
Would you tell someone to fuck off If you were heard moaning about one of your students too ? I imagine more professionalism is expected in your work place, even if you felt ‘backed in to a corner’ as you tried to explain away the behaviour in an earlier post.
As a former care worker, your insistence on defending this behaviour is both patronising and offensive to care workers. Aside from the poor pay and working conditions, you’re also contending with the attitude that care workers are too thick to know how to conduct themselves appropriately courtesy of yourself. No wonder people don’t want the job.

I would also be super angry and I’m an ex carer! 10000000% make a complaint to the company there’s absolutely people who can and people who can’t do the job- but for the people who can’t- they shouldn’t just be added to fill a roster who clearly don’t give two 💩 about their patients/clients- and that’s only the stuff you happen to hear! It would send shivers down my spine thinking how these animals treat the poor patients in their own home! - if she can’t do the job in a dignified manner she shouldn’t be doing it and should absolutely loose her job- that isn’t your fault, however if the lady is being mistreated and you ignore this- is that something you could live with? I really really hate people like this who this they can take the piss or make fun of people who need help - we all did as babies WDF is so funny needing help when your older?? Outrageous, childish, abusive humans!

I have told my manager to fuck off on more than one occasion for example and it was just shrugged off. Not a big deal in my local northern working class area, although was very different when I lived down south in a naice middle class area.

Whatever. Please stop . You're explaining why it's OK to tell a stranger ( who let's be clear here, did NOT berate the carer ) to Fuck Off.

You've got this wrong. And tbh it doesn't matter where you live. That's a pathetic excuse.

It’s dreadful and utterly heartbreaking but I’ve witnessed first hand carers being absolutely lovely with family of those in care … to only listen a little closer when they don’t think anyone can here and the abuse is absolutely fucking horrendous

I would report to the company and also report to CQC. I feel very strongly about this as my lovely mum sounded just like the lady you mention. She suffered at the hands of an unscrupulous company who turned out to have a negative CQC report and were in special measures but the local council still brokered her care package with them. My mum died a few weeks ago and I am still traumatised at how she was treated. What you heard was not acceptable and you should report it.

I couldn’t do their job, no. But neither can these pair of nasty cows. As the OP said, it would’ve been ok to joke/let off steam out of earshot, but to do it in the old lady’s street on speakerphone where her neighbours can hear is disgustingly unprofessional and cruel. And the fact that they just swore when it was pointed out to them makes it even worse. So yes - absolutely report it.