Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Overheard something quite personal

990 replies

User5653218 · 14/07/2023 11:20

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

OP posts:
SofaLola33 · 15/07/2023 20:58

SophiaElise · 14/07/2023 11:24

Let's say you tell the agency, the carers quit or get sacked, no-one wants the job and Mary has to go into a home. And dies shortly afterwards.

Or... you just get on with your day and life carries on as normal.

I wonder if you would feel the same if it was a relative of yours being spoken about like that or when you get to that point. Whether the client can hear or not she deserves to be treated with respect!

Smugglerstop · 15/07/2023 20:59

FrontEnd · 14/07/2023 11:31

I would definitely phone the company. The violation of privacy, mockery of clients and aggression towards neighbours of clients (you) are absolute safeguarding red flags imho. And I would raise them explicitly as safeguarding matters too. Your poor friend.

Spot on.

Smugglerstop · 15/07/2023 21:02

Yes a cop out if you just send a vague email.

Beverlybeier · 15/07/2023 21:02

I used to be a carer and confidentiality was incredibly important as was maintaining people's dignity perhaps the carers involved need retraining or maybe they shouldn't be carers at all doesn't sound like they were very caring.

BotterMon · 15/07/2023 21:03

Definitely report them to the company. That is unacceptable behaviour from staff. Not just discussing the client at high volume but also being so rude to you.

I would absolutely want to know if any of my staff were being so unprofessional.

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 15/07/2023 21:04

I'm a carer of sorts, I can categorically state that 'a bit of light relief' of the kind that's been described to justify this behaviour is absolutely NOT condoned, considered acceptable, or the norm. They have broken the Social Care Codes of Practice. Those of us who try our best to make sure our clients are treated with the dignity, care and respect that they deserve would NEVER feel the need to talk about anyone in our care in this way, let alone in public. We would never even think of them in this way! It's appalling and these people should absolutely not be in this line of work if that's how they behave. I wonder if they would consider it acceptable if it was their parent?

Charliejane72 · 15/07/2023 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jammything8 · 15/07/2023 21:08

What stands out for me is that if what you are saying is true OP you actually approached this lady..

She didn't even say sorry and rectify the situation? I would report based on this reason only!

sunglassesonthetable · 15/07/2023 21:11

@Charliejane72 Pretty sure you've posted on the wrong thread.

Sudoku88 · 15/07/2023 21:12

The way she spoke about Mary and the way she spoke to you tells you everything about her and her attitude.

People like that should not be allowed to look after vulnerable people- I bet they do a really crap job (and I have worked as a carer in the past and know what the job entails).

I would report to the agency but definitely not say anything to Mary as it would be too hurtful and upsetting for her (and achieve nothing). I can’t believe this woman swore at you. People like that should be kept away from the vulnerable.

Sudoku88 · 15/07/2023 21:14

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 15/07/2023 21:04

I'm a carer of sorts, I can categorically state that 'a bit of light relief' of the kind that's been described to justify this behaviour is absolutely NOT condoned, considered acceptable, or the norm. They have broken the Social Care Codes of Practice. Those of us who try our best to make sure our clients are treated with the dignity, care and respect that they deserve would NEVER feel the need to talk about anyone in our care in this way, let alone in public. We would never even think of them in this way! It's appalling and these people should absolutely not be in this line of work if that's how they behave. I wonder if they would consider it acceptable if it was their parent?

Exactly this: couldn’t have summed it up better.

Threenow · 15/07/2023 21:14

I can't believe the low standards exhibited by some posters on this thread.

orangeyeahthatsright · 15/07/2023 21:15

Juced · 15/07/2023 20:54

Everybody says things that they shouldn’t didn’t intend…sometimes we just have to mind our own business!

Even when there are potentially harmful consequences for other people?

Phoenixfire1988 · 15/07/2023 21:16

User5653218 · 14/07/2023 11:20

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

Definitely report them it's disgusting and they need to remember one day they will be that old woman relying on others to wipe their arse !!

GettingStuffed · 15/07/2023 21:17

If she's complaining about having to clean 'Mary' I dread to think what she'd do it it was something worse. My daughter is a carer and she has only spoken about what happened at work once, and that was when she was on nights, so the only waking carer, and a resident fell and hit her head and there was blood everywhere . We don't know anything else about it but DD hates blood , she's fine with most other bodily fluids though, and this was a way to bring herself down from the adrenaline.

I've also helped care for my MiL and she only had diarrhoea when she had covid,but I cleaned her up , I'm wondering if this should have been referred for medical attention rather than bitching about it.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/07/2023 21:17

Jammything8 · 15/07/2023 21:08

What stands out for me is that if what you are saying is true OP you actually approached this lady..

She didn't even say sorry and rectify the situation? I would report based on this reason only!

Why should she say sorry to a complete stranger? Why should she try and rectify the situation with a complete stranger who could be lying about knowing Mary and whose intentions she doesn’t know? For all the carer knew the OP didn’t know Mary and was just looking for an argument, there is no reason the carer needed to respond politely to the OP, to say sorry or to try and rectify the situation with her. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care, it doesn’t mean she would have reacted in the same way had she been approached by a client or their family about something she’d done at work, the fact she was rude to a stranger who was berating her over something said by her colleague doesn’t really tell anyone anything about what kind of carer she is. It’s possible to act differently at work to how you act in other areas of your life.

FreeSpirit7 · 15/07/2023 21:18

As someone else has already said, only a real piece of work could forgot this, and let it go. There is absolutely NEVER an excuse to talk about, or treat anyone in this fashion.

I have been a nurse and there are some pretty grim things one needs to do, but it goes with the ‘care’ territory. If you can’t carry out the most basic duties without being so cruel and mocking, then do something else!!! Be a cleaner!!

This makes my blood boil. Report them as these people should not be in this role. And to speak to you in that fashion is almost as bad!

greeneyessparksfly · 15/07/2023 21:20

Jongleterre · 14/07/2023 11:32

Could you do their job?

I couldn't.

It's light relief banter between colleagues.

What an awful thing to say. Light relief banter??! And then to tell the OP to fuck off??

I did do that job for patients in a brain injury setting. It is bloody hard work but I would never, ever talk about someone like the lady did who the OP is talking about. If you aren’t capable of maintaining someone’s dignity don’t do the job in the first place, it’s really not that hard. I hope you never have to be looked after by people who take the piss out of you in the future.

OP, you should absolutely report this. Your neighbour won’t go without, but it will mean at the very least the workers might think before they open their mouths again (although sadly if they’re the type of people who think it’s funny to laugh at someone who can’t clean themselves independently and that it’s ok to do that, then perhaps not :()

Pudmyboy · 15/07/2023 21:20

Just wanted to say thank you @User5653218 for all you have done in all of this, it is clear you just want the best for Mary and others like her, and that you appreciate the difficulties carers face

lifesabitchandthenyoudie · 15/07/2023 21:22

@User5653218 I have seen by your responses that you've reported it and it looks like something might have been done. Hope Mary remains ok!

Good on you

QueensBees · 15/07/2023 21:24

SophiaElise · 14/07/2023 11:24

Let's say you tell the agency, the carers quit or get sacked, no-one wants the job and Mary has to go into a home. And dies shortly afterwards.

Or... you just get on with your day and life carries on as normal.

Another possibility
person A now knows that no one is ever going to report her laughing st her clients and feels embolden to not treat them well - laughing at them in front of them, making comments etc…
Because no one reported stuff like this…

ITryHarder · 15/07/2023 21:25

Juced · 15/07/2023 20:54

Everybody says things that they shouldn’t didn’t intend…sometimes we just have to mind our own business!

Your making a joke, aren't you? Not many people these days mind their own business.

Suppose you happened to be walking by and heard them making fun of your mother or your child, are you going to write it off as 'oh well, such is life'?

orangeyeahthatsright · 15/07/2023 21:26

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/07/2023 18:36

I think a lot of people would respond with ‘fuck off’ if confronted in their car by a stranger. Swearing is not an offence and is a usual part of most adult’s vocabulary. It doesn't sound like it was said aggressively or threateningly. If a stranger approached me whilst sat in my car I would probably feel vulnerable and want them to go away, telling a stranger to fuck off if they come up to you and start berating you is not a shocking response. It doesn’t even mean the carer hasn’t taken on board what the OP said and won’t modify her behaviour, it just means in that moment she probably felt attacked unexpectedly and possibly a bit shameful and wanted the OP to leave her alone. I really don’t think it’s a big deal to tell a stranger to fuck off if they come up to you and start berating you.

Show quote history

You're not exactly coming off well in your responses on this thread, you know.

sunglassesonthetable · 15/07/2023 21:28

Why should she say sorry to a complete stranger? Why should she try and rectify the situation with a complete stranger who could be lying about knowing Mary and whose intentions she doesn’t know? For all the carer knew the OP didn’t know Mary and was just looking for an argument, there is no reason the carer needed to respond politely to the OP, to say sorry or to try and rectify the situation with her. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t care, it doesn’t mean she would have reacted in the same way had she been approached by a client or their family about something she’d done at work, the fact she was rude to a stranger who was berating her over something said by her colleague doesn’t really tell anyone anything about what kind of carer she is. It’s possible to act differently at work to how you act in other areas of your life.

OFGs Don't make me laugh - You are twisting yourself inside out here.

Someone told her that her conversation is blasting into the street. A conversation that is ripping the piss out of one of her clients. And her reply?
Fuck OFF
Not even - Ooops. I didn't realise or I'll turn it down.

She might be the best carer in the world but she's doing a great job of looking exactly the opposite.

porridgeisbae · 15/07/2023 21:29

I would totally report it OP. There are plenty of carers to replace these ones (though turnover is high.)

And they'll probably just get a well deserved telling off.

Swipe left for the next trending thread