Overheard something quite personal

[User5653218]

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

That's awful. Definitely report to the company but if in the UK you can also go to the Care Quality Commission (https://www.cqc.org.uk/contact-us/report-concern/report-concern-if-you-are-member-public).

This comment is horrific.

If you overheard staff in a nursery taunting a 2 year old, or complaining about having to change a baby's poosplosion etc, would you think "well I wouldn't want to do that job, anyone doing it is a bonus, no matter how ill suited and lacking in compassion and professionalism they are?"

Thousands of people go into work and do things the rest of couldn't or wouldn't want to. All midwives, nurses, doctors, hcas, carers etc regularly deal with faecal incontinence and other foul smelling, dirty and unpleasant human excreta. They don't then LAUGH about it and mock the poor people in their care..no midwife tells of the magic of birth and always adds in how disgusting the woman was when she pooed in the bed as the baby descended. Bowel cancer surgeons aren't having "banter" about their stoma patients faecal over flow are they?

How can anyone believe that we don't all have a collective responsibility to uphold standards and ensure the most vulnerable in society are respectfully cared for. Just because Mary is old, and it's about her poo, she's not fair game for laughing at and having her privacy disregarded.

Would you also argue that the 'carers' who physically assault and taunt long term residents of learning disability care homes are doing a job others wouldn't and they should remain employed even when the videos of their abuse surfaced? The homes did close - why would you think that's better than leaving defenceless people in their at their mercy?

OP - yes report them. Record a factual written statement asap with as much detail as possible.

Contact your local adults safeguarding team and take advice from there.

I would report that.
That's breach of confidentiality as you could easily identify the person who they were talking about plus no respect for service user what's so ever.

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Definitely report it .

Not if the whole world can hear them it isn't!

It's a disgusting breach of confidentiality and gross misconduct!

And yes, I have done their job!

So it's fine by you if they are lovely to Mary when doing their job, (as verified by Meet herself), but you still want them sacked?

Recruiting carers is difficult at the best of times, so surely carers who are lovely to their clients shouldn't be penalized for a conversation that wasn't even clearly overheard.

Yes, report them. We don't need cruel people in the care system. Unbelievable.

Mary, not Meet

If this was in Scotland, and a complaint was made, the SSSC would at the very least place a warning on their registration and implement condition on their registration (training, reflective accounts). It wouldn’t be a surprise if they were struck off the register for this, particularly given the lack of remorse. So not only would they be sacked, they wouldn’t be able to work in the care sector again. You reap what you sow

Nice that you seem to think that the OP shouldn’t take the matter further. The comment about the OP doing the caring instead is pretty stupid. Hopefully, when you are old and sitting in a chair shitting yourself, the carers give you the dignity you deserve…..none!

That was for @Crystals35

@lightand
How about 'Starter Box Sue' (with apologies to all the nice Susans out there). As in horses

I personally can't be arsed with the Friday Night F*ckers. They get pissed and nasty. I exited a chat last week after sticking up for an OP who then attacked me.

As for the nasty piece of work talking about a OAP you know the rules (I worked for a hospice). Age comes to us all unless we are ill. Both have a high chance of incontinence. Reap what you sow.

I've done jobs allied to care for years and I have never ever witnessed such disrespect around vulnerable people. Never.

That people think it's even vaguely ok is utterly shocking. Breaking confidentiality, disregarding privacy and dignity is all unthinkable in any care context.

Are people so blinkered to the reality of the world that they don't realise that there are thousands and thousands of people for whom dealing with what could be degrading and humiliating situations involving bodily fluids and functions forms a big part of their working day and yet it is done professionally, privately, respectfully and confidentially?

How would you feel if it was you or your mother being laughed at like that! “Mary” might have in continence issues but that is nothing for her to be mocked about!
I can absolutely say it would have distressed me beyond measure if one of my late parents had been spoken about like that, (my father had bowel cancer so had to have a lot of personal care towards the end ) and worse still in a place where any of their friends or neighbours could hear!
I too work in a stressful job where we need to decompress, but I can honestly say it is never at the expense of clients and their dignity!

I am in the caring profession, this makes me feel really sad. I think you should report- this is very unprofessional. People should be treated with dignity.

You absolutely, most definitely SHOULD report them! That's absolutely disgusting and as a carer people like that should NOT be doing the job!

How do you know they're lovely to Mary? Are you in the house with them? Is sitting outside her home broadcasting her personal care needs to everyone in a 30 foot radius being nice? Would you be so happy if it was your Mum they were talking about?

But from the OPs description of events it doesn’t sound like Mary was being taunted, nobody complained about cleaning the chair, mocking her or even having banter.

One colleague was overheard saying ‘Mary shit in the chair again’ which is just a fact of what happened on her shift, fairly normal to relay something like that. Then they both laughed, presumably in a lighthearted ‘the things we have to deal with in this job’ way. It doesn’t sound to me like they were laughing at Mary, just at the situations they have to deal with. It can sometimes feel sort of absurd to be dealing with someone else’s poo, obviously you don’t express it at the time to a client but might afterwards with a trusted colleague. Parents will laugh together after their child has a poonami, usually in a kind of ‘bad luck to me having to deal with that’ way rather than because they are laughing at their child.

It doesn’t sound like the carers actually said anything derogatory until the OP approached the car and confronted them and it’s likely anything said then was in response to feeling cornered rather than how the carer would necessarilly usually speak. It was not okay that Mary was discussed in a non-private place where somebody who knew her could be overheard, but it sounds like that was probably an accident on the carer’s part more than something intentional. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be pulled up on it or that the breech in confidentiality shouldn’t be reported, I think discussing the care where it could be heard was not okay (although it’s likely the carer who named Mary wasn’t aware her colleague had her on speakerphone on a street near to Mary’s house) but I don’t think anything they actually said was that bad, it just should have been kept private.

I would report, my late father died in jan 2021 before he died carers left him in his own waste for 2 hours before they changed him l.and one of them shouted at him because he couldn't take his pills. My mother heard and told them to go and not to come back but they did it was disgusting. Wouldn't let them watch a dog never mind someone end of life care.

To be honest I’d report it but don’t count on anything being done, care companies are so short staffed they probably wouldn’t sack her, they’re so desperate for staff they employ all sorts of people that are really unsuitable for the job, and the job centre often make unsuitable people apply for care jobs or threaten to stop their benefit money. It’s despicable.

No way would I employ anyone from these agencies to care for anyone I love. The stories I’ve heard about the way some cares treat vulnerable people is an absolute disgrace.

Absolutely report it to the company. It’s completely unacceptable for them to a) be discussing their clients in such derogatory terms, b) to do it in such a public way and c) to speak to you like that when you confronted her. I know caring is a hard job, but you absolutely should treat your clients with the dignity they deserve. Disgusting behaviour.

It should be reported. No doubt this job is stressful and there will be coping mechanisms to get by. But to show no shame when confronted and tell you to F off I think that shows the character of someone who shouldn’t be caring for vulnerable people.

It's probably been said already but:

• the person will likely have been sacked for gross misconduct
• the OP has gone out of their way to make sure the agency sack them, with a complaint, follow up email etc.
• the OP claims they just wanted the staff to know they needed to be more discreet.... that had been achieved already, and could have been achieved by not giving details (would have been MORE effective as they'd have likely told all the staff)
• the OP has implied she reported it out of revenge for the needlessly aggressive reaction of the person in the car. I'd probably have just punched them, so don't think I'm being holier than thou in my criticism of the OP
• the mouthy, rude one in the car won't have been sacked. It's her mate that did the care, who didn't know she could be overheard, who is now screwed.
• other naive people have said nurses and other professionals don't gossip/make fun of patients with embarrassing/gross stuff. Oh yes they blooming well do!

People need to be more honest with themselves, and not take the mick out of us, by this fake handwringing of 'I don't want to get them sacked...'. You got a problem with a member of staff? Tell them then, not their manager.

I've no particular view on the rights and wrongs of reporting, just annoyed by the dishonesty of the OP with herself and us. Just say you did it because you wanted them punished.