Overheard something quite personal

[User5653218]

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

Definitely tell the agency not only about the initial phone conversation but the way she spoke to you afterwards.

Don't tell poor Mary

I’d tell the company

Report. I wouldn’t say that if she’d shown any remorse but her reaction was insensitive and vile. Report her but she’ll prob get away with it. They need the staff…pay peanuts…

If you're not going to tell them what the carer did wrong and you're not going to tell them the client's name so they know you aren't making up a vague, randomly malicious allusion to 'your staff aren't very nice', there's no point bothering.

Think logically

'One of your staff might want to think about what she says'

Who? What did she say? Is this in a pub, is this a next door neighbour, is this somebody's boyfriend's Mum or ex wife? Is she saying Boris Johnson is a Saint or Kim should have stayed with Kanye? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PERSON ON ABOUT? Oh, fuck off. (delete)

'One of your staff was talking about her clients on Saturday.'

And? Who? What did she say? How do I know this isn't made up? I've got zero hope of finding out what the fuck you're going on about if you don't tell me anything. (delete)

Saying 'On x date, I walked past a vehicle (type) and a carer was saying horrible things about somebody I know - Mary - and laughing at her personal care needs' gives them enough information to do something about it. Otherwise, don't waste their time.

Please speak to the company

Frankly, I'm gobsmacked at your take on this. The issue of confidentiality is awful but far, far worse is the disdainful way they clearly perceive this poor lady and the way their treat her. If they can laugh about her like this and talk about her in this way, even when confronted, God knows what other atrocities they carry out in the name of care. What if it was your mother? Or, when they reach that age, your child?

Yes, OF COURSE you should report them, and forgot about anonimity - they need to lose their jobs. As long as this level of "care" is allowed to take place then care providers will continue to get away with looking at the lowest possible denominator in the people they employ and pay the lowest wages. The care industry needs a good shake up, and rooting out characters like these who bully the most vulnerable in society world be a good start.

Sorry to be blunt, but give your head a wobble and report these people straight away. Your sympathy and understanding for their position is misplaced.

Personally, I wouldn't tell "Mary" as it might make her mistrust anybody who might care for her in the future and she doesn't deserve that. I might notify her family, though, if she has any that you know, so that they know to keep an eye on the care Mary gets going forward.

Total lack of respect. Definitely tell the care agency. My mother had carers for years and I would have hated it if I had known they were broadcasting her physical problems to any passer by.

Any halfway decent carers take dealing with incontinence as a normal part of their job, and they are also careful about maintaining the confidentiality of the people they look after. On at least two counts they are letting their clients and the agency down. People who behave like that (as well as verbally abusing a member of the public) aren’t likely to be treating their clients with gentleness and respect. You should have no hesitation in contacting the agency.

Wow.

Yes. Please report it to the agency. I did this a few years ago. I was sat in Mac Donald’s and a group of carers were sat at the next table and spoke about various clients, I walked out and took a photo of them through the window 🤦🏼‍♀️ they saw and I told them I was forwarding it to their boss.
I have a severely disabled adult child and we reply in carers to come to our house. I would be devastated if I found out they were talking about her in that way.

I used to be a carer, and frequently had to attend those kind of clients. They needed to be shown respect at all times. These two “carers” clearly have no respect and one wonders how they deal with their clients when no one is observing them. Definitely report them; you may, at least, prevent inappropriate behaviour, if not worse.

Just report it.
a carer telling you fuck off when you pick them up on inappropriate behaviour is not very caring!

Absolutely tell the agency.
I worked in adult residential care when I was younger and in our induction training we were told never to discuss our residents while out and about for that exact reason.
Had she just apologised, I wouldn't advise to say anything but that attitude is horrible. For those saying but what if she gets sacked, abuse in the care industry does sadly happen and if Mary is being mistreated in any way, your report will make sure that does not continue.

Or maybe Mary gets carers who can uphold the codes of practice of their statutory body, the values of their organisation, the standards set by the Care Inspectorate/CQC, and basic human decency. You know, like every single cater should.

I hope to God you never work in the care sector.

I worked in care 15 years ago. To this day, I have never named a resident, laughed at their expense or discussed their personal care needs. They're both disgusting. I'm pleased you reported them. I highly doubt they'd be sacked, unless they have a history of wrong doing.

You must have had such a shock! Bet you aren't used to the heady heights of excitement this thrilling!

What if they carry on being arseholes and rather than caring for Mary they end up just taking the piss out of her instead and she ends up being neglected by her current carers and ends up dying.

OP 100% report it.
But also I wouldn’t tell Mary because she would probably be mortified and then try and get to the toilet herself which may result in her falling, or she may stop eating so she doesn’t have to have a bowel movement so regularly.

it sounds like they’d be better off in a different job.

🙌🏼

Yes. It's a cop out. Sorry, but there is nothing that is acceptable about this woman and her pal, and if that's her public attitude, who knows what goes on behind closed doors. What happens to them is not your responsibility - that's up to her employers - but it is your responsibility to let their employer know what they do in their employer's name.

I wouldn’t say that laughing at someone’s misfortune is letting off steam though.

👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻

Definitely report them . How would you feel if it was your loved one they were saying awful things about. My son is disabled and I would hate these people to be taking care of him . Report Definitely.

report them. Disgusting behaviour, they shouldn’t be carers

Not in the least irrelevant. The fact that they had the conversation in the car and were overheard by someone who clearly couldn't make out the exact words, does not prove that they treated Mary unkindly when they were doing their job.
There are far too many assumptions on this thread, with posters immediately jumping to the conclusion that because the phone conversation was derogatory, the carers themselves must automatically be insensitive and unkind.

What makes you say that? I’m not a carer, I’m a special education teacher but many of the situations I am in are similar in that there are days I am cleaning up shit. I adore the children and young people I work with, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be hard work and that I enjoy every aspect of it. I will laugh about aspects of the job with my colleagues, if we didn’t laugh we would probably cry! I have laughed at situations like a child purposefully smearing my clothes with poo or seeing on my leg etc with parents too, and they have shared stories from at home and laughed. If they couldn’t laugh thinking about what the man at the top must be thinking as they discard of a shit-smeared mattress for the fourth time that month because their child purposefully smeared poo all over it they would probably cry too! These are usually not situations people would choose to be in and it is okay to find humour in them, I am always respectful towards those I work with but if you can’t see the funny side of difficult situations in my line of work you probably won’t last in it long. It doesn’t mean I don’t care deeply about those I work with and the fact some days I may laugh about something one of the kids did doesn’t mean there aren’t other days where I go home and cry because they’ve been struggling with something or are having a hard time with something else. Maybe I’m not articulating myself well but I know I am very good at what I do, I take it home with me every day and am regularly awake worrying about the kids I work with at night because things aren’t working for them at school or home or because one of them is in hospital or their challenging behaviour is escalating and we can’t work out why, it’s really hard to see that but it doesn’t mean I have to be serious about it all of the time and can’t try and see the funny side of difficult situations.