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Original poster

Overheard something quite personal

990 replies

User5653218 · 14/07/2023 11:20

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

OP posts:
Noodles1234 · 15/07/2023 17:40

This is awful.

i do understand some jobs have to have an element of banter to deal with what they have to see, I’m thinking here of Police and Doctors, and yes maybe carers also need an outlet. There is a shortage of carers nationally which is really quite staff, they’re overworked and often seriously underpaid.

However have the professionalism to wind the window up, and mind where you are.

i would be fuming if this was about my Mum or Dad.

mummee03 · 15/07/2023 17:41

I would 💯 report this. There are loads of people looking for jobs and would prob respect them a lot more than the careres just now. Or they might get a warning and be actually sorry for what they have done, which a doubt it going by her reply .

If that was my gran or mum, I would not want someone like that looking after them

BexBoop · 15/07/2023 17:42

As a Commissioner for adult social care, i think you should report it to the care agency and the local authority- where is their consideration for this lady's dignity and privacy?
like you say, you were able to identify her from this information and their conduct is probably a marker for the quality of the service that is being delivered.
Intelligence like this supports the LA to target quality checks and to help keep people safe and protected from harm so please absolutely report them- they shouldn't be in the job if they can speak about the people in their care in such a derogatory way!!

Bluebell0921 · 15/07/2023 17:44

Don’t tell Mary but do report to the company.

if they are willing to speak about her like that then they probably don’t treat her well either.

Mtlso · 15/07/2023 17:47

I’d say this is an issue for the police, NHS, social services and the ICO. This is a breach of highly confidential information and is humiliating for the elderly woman who is obviously vulnerable. She is a victim of an abuser. If they are doing this out in public, I hate to think what they may be doing when indoors. This is the type of attitude that abusers have and you may be stopping potential abuse. I strongly advise you to report it. I know this might feel frightening or daunting, but this may be a much bigger and wider spread issue than what you heard. I’m glad you pulled her up on it. Someone like this (and her friend) should never be allowed to work in the care sector ever again. Imagine if it was a child?

IhateBegonias · 15/07/2023 17:48

I would definitely report to the company. This is totally unprofessional. If they can’t treat the clients with respect they should get another job.

Lisajacj70 · 15/07/2023 17:49

Wow! Is this The kind of care you would accept for your mum/dad whatever? Or would you want someone to speak up and ensure they had a carer who respected them in their later years, as they deserve. I can’t believe there are people who would ignore this behaviour and go about their day. If this is how they talk about ‘ Mary’ behind her back, in public, and then tell you to eff off when you confront them imagine how they might treat her in private?? Disgusting behaviour: This sort of job is HARD and you do develop a warped sense of humour to deal with it but that is just cruel to talk that way. Don’t tell Mary, tell her carers employers , or family, who may be paying for this awful service. I’d evenconsider anonymously calling the care commission or social services to check ‘Mary’ is alright. She’sa vulnerable old lady for gods sake. Sone one needs to do the right thing.

user1493559472 · 15/07/2023 17:58

I would report her to the company and also the CCQ.
They have breech confidential, you don't slag off your clients previous information and you don't talk about them when anyone can hear them and around the corner from the client's home.
I work for the NHS and if any of my friends or family had a carer like that the carer would lose their job and never be a carer again!!
Makes me feel so sad and mad!!!
Please let us know how it goes.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/07/2023 18:06

As far as I can tell all they said is ‘she shit in the chair again’ and laughed. Yes, it’s not something Mary would want people to know but some of these responses are acting as if they said ‘I gave her a slap after she shit in the chair the fucking disgusting old bitch.’ Is it really that derogatory or degrading to refer to something a client did at work? I have said things like ‘he smeared shit on the walls again’ or ‘she ripped a chunk of her shitty pad and put it in her mouth again’ about people I work with to my colleagues and we might laugh about it. I’m not laughing at the people I work with for the fact I’m incontinent, more laughing at myself that this is a part of my job I have to deal with, if I laughed at a colleague telling me she had to deal with shit it would be in a ‘haha, bad luck to you’ way and not a ‘haha what a joke that client is’ way. If you work in care dealing with incontinence is so common it’s unlikely you would be laughing at a client in an ‘Omg I can’t believe she did that’ way because it’s pretty normal, it’s not unusual. I have incontinence issues myself in the form of bed wetting so I’m not looking to judge anyone for it, but that doesn’t mean it could never be laughed again. It should not have been said in a context where it could be heard, absolutely the carer who had the phone on loudspeaker should have been more careful, but the conversation itself is really not a big deal. It is normal to laugh in these situations, just as a mother might tell a father about their child’s poonami and both parents might laugh about it, doesn’t mean they’re bad or abusive parents. Toilet humour isn’t unusual.

RavenhairedRachel · 15/07/2023 18:10

Definitely report the person to the care company its unprofessional to be discussing a client in a public place. Any reputable company should have a GDPR code . My mother has carers and if I thought she was being ridiculed and other people could hear I would be furious. I would also be furious the carer told someone ro fuck off . Speak to the company and tell them you Will report them to QCAS the approval body. That woman shouldn't be a carer if that's how she behaves.

ERG123 · 15/07/2023 18:12

Not only is this a data protection and confidentiality breach it’s also completely unacceptable behaviour and completely unprofessional of her to speak to you like that and about a patient like that. I’m a nurse and id report anyone who said stuff like that because I can guarantee behind closed doors they are delivering the same level of care and compassion for that lady as they demonstrated in that car and the poor lady doesn’t want to complain or doesn’t feel able to. Immediately report and if that was a registered nurse I’d be reporting them to the NMC as well.

MissingMoominMamma · 15/07/2023 18:16

Jongleterre · 14/07/2023 11:32

Could you do their job?

I couldn't.

It's light relief banter between colleagues.

It’s the thin end of the wedge. Her reaction to the OP speaks volumes. She wasn’t embarrassed at being overheard.

orangeyeahthatsright · 15/07/2023 18:17

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/07/2023 18:06

As far as I can tell all they said is ‘she shit in the chair again’ and laughed. Yes, it’s not something Mary would want people to know but some of these responses are acting as if they said ‘I gave her a slap after she shit in the chair the fucking disgusting old bitch.’ Is it really that derogatory or degrading to refer to something a client did at work? I have said things like ‘he smeared shit on the walls again’ or ‘she ripped a chunk of her shitty pad and put it in her mouth again’ about people I work with to my colleagues and we might laugh about it. I’m not laughing at the people I work with for the fact I’m incontinent, more laughing at myself that this is a part of my job I have to deal with, if I laughed at a colleague telling me she had to deal with shit it would be in a ‘haha, bad luck to you’ way and not a ‘haha what a joke that client is’ way. If you work in care dealing with incontinence is so common it’s unlikely you would be laughing at a client in an ‘Omg I can’t believe she did that’ way because it’s pretty normal, it’s not unusual. I have incontinence issues myself in the form of bed wetting so I’m not looking to judge anyone for it, but that doesn’t mean it could never be laughed again. It should not have been said in a context where it could be heard, absolutely the carer who had the phone on loudspeaker should have been more careful, but the conversation itself is really not a big deal. It is normal to laugh in these situations, just as a mother might tell a father about their child’s poonami and both parents might laugh about it, doesn’t mean they’re bad or abusive parents. Toilet humour isn’t unusual.

What about her telling the OP to fuck off, though?

Glitterandunicorns · 15/07/2023 18:18

Please report this person. How awful to think of someone like this caring for anyone vulnerable. I would report to the company and also the care commission. Give a specific time so they are sure which member of staff was speaking in such a horrible way about their clients. If nothing else, they are bringing their company into disrepute.

halowh · 15/07/2023 18:20

Definitely tell the company and provide as much detail as you can that’s disgusting and they should lose their jobs, they’re clearly not in it for the right reasons

LovelyIssues · 15/07/2023 18:24

Absolutely report them!!!! That is so unprofessional and then to speak to you like that aswell shows a lot about their character. I wouldn't want them anywhere near my relatives or friends.

Alison1987uk · 15/07/2023 18:24

100% tell the company. From the fact the she told you to f* off shows how unprofessional she is, chances are she probably talks to some of her clients in the same manner.

Nina198 · 15/07/2023 18:27

Yes! This needs to be reported! I am a carer for the elderly and we all make comments to coworkers about things we’ve had to do in our job but this is so undignified and also a GDPR violation if she is talking about clients where people can clearly hear!

not to mention if she can behave like this then I dread to think what she is actually like as a carer towards this lady! she could be an amazing carer and just a case of stupidity at the time but better to be safe then sorry!

Twillow · 15/07/2023 18:30

Absolutely tell the company. It's unprofessional and frankly how does she respond to Mary in person if she's saying these things behind her back? I've seen some couldn't-care-less carers visiting my mum (not all like that of course) and you wouldn't want them in charge of a dog. Poor Mary. We may all be in that position one day.

Twillow · 15/07/2023 18:30

And goon on you for speaking up - her response made it twice as bad.

Bellasignora · 15/07/2023 18:30

BexBoop · 15/07/2023 17:42

As a Commissioner for adult social care, i think you should report it to the care agency and the local authority- where is their consideration for this lady's dignity and privacy?
like you say, you were able to identify her from this information and their conduct is probably a marker for the quality of the service that is being delivered.
Intelligence like this supports the LA to target quality checks and to help keep people safe and protected from harm so please absolutely report them- they shouldn't be in the job if they can speak about the people in their care in such a derogatory way!!

This is the correct course of action.

Twillow · 15/07/2023 18:31

*good not goon 🙄

Pissedoffpigeon · 15/07/2023 18:32

I’m amazed that carers have time to sit around discussing clients in a car.
Also, when I worked in care you develop a fondness for clients that compensated for the more unpleasant side of the job. The way two were talking sounds more contemptuous, than venting, which from experience tends to be more about work load than something so routine as a client soiling themself.
I would definitely report, but expect a generic message to go out to all care staff than individual disciplinary action.

grandehorizontale · 15/07/2023 18:32

Please please tell the company.

Nina198 · 15/07/2023 18:33

Agreed! If after she got caught and apologised then I’d say okay just a moment of stupidity but her response makes you question what she’s like with Mary on her own!

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