Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Overheard something quite personal

990 replies

User5653218 · 14/07/2023 11:20

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

OP posts:
QueenBitch666 · 15/07/2023 02:05

Takeovermylife · 14/07/2023 12:27

You should here how us nursery workers talk about parents and some children...

Its just stress relief banter with someone that will understand what you arebgoing through. They don't mean it.

Banter my arse. Totally disrespectful and unprofessional. Shame on you

Threenow · 15/07/2023 02:07

Jongleterre · 14/07/2023 11:32

Could you do their job?

I couldn't.

It's light relief banter between colleagues.

There is a huge difference between "light relief banter between colleagues" and discussing it on speakerphone in a place where anyone can hear them. It is disgraceful behaviour, and yes I would be reporting them. Do not tell Mary however, it would be very upsetting for her.

Whether any of us could do their job has nothing to do with it, they took on the job, the least they can do is show some respect towards their vulnerable clients.

lillyblossoms · 15/07/2023 02:19

This is a vulnerable person, in the same way a child is a vulnerable person. If you walked past a teacher speaking about a child you knew in that way, what would you do? Report it. It is, as a poster above stated, basic safeguarding.

Catpuss66 · 15/07/2023 02:28

some of the people on here normalising this behaviour, shame on you. Imagine if she was talking about your mom. Also telling a member of the public to FO . Report her to the company be truthful you have nothing to feel guilty about.

lilymani · 15/07/2023 02:39

Tell the company, don't name Mary or Mary's carer (may affect Mary's availability or quality of care if carers are replaced or pissed off) but be precise about the exact horrible things they said - don't underplay it.

GiraffeLaSophie · 15/07/2023 02:41

I’m pleased you reported it; it was definitely the right thing to do. They were both in the wrong, but primarily the woman in the car. Presumably her colleague didn’t realise that she was being broadcast for the world to hear.

tunbridgeoutrage · 15/07/2023 02:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nat6999 · 15/07/2023 03:24

I would report, ds reported his dad's carers several times for not doing their jobs, turning up & sitting playing on their phones instead of doing what they are paid to do.

gillefc82 · 15/07/2023 03:46

I’m glad you reported it OP and that there seems to have been action taken as a result.

It was not just the blatant disregard for an individual’s privacy, nor the disrespectful mocking of someone vulnerable who is in their care, but also the fact that when challenged by you, instead of apologies, remorse and contrition, you were met with anger, vulgarity and dismissive denial.

Regardless of the type of job you do, this type of behaviour is completely unprofessional. When it relates to someone’s health/wellbeing and in such an intimate way, it really is deplorable and inexcusable.

Doing a job like this really does take someone with a certain constitution and character, as I can imagine it is hard work and at times, pretty thankless. I will be honest and say it’s not a job I would be capable of doing, so am incredibly grateful to those that do. However, if you’re going to take on such a responsibility, the very least you should be is respectful to the people who rely on you to give them a basic level of human dignity, all because they are sadly unable to give it to themselves.

Loub55 · 15/07/2023 04:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

If you read the OPs updates, she visited Mary later that day after the incident with the carer.
I guess phoning later that eve might seem odd so she used the umbrella excuse!

marmaladeslade · 15/07/2023 04:13

Hmmm. If you've ever tried to recruit carers, then you wouldn't be so happy to throw away one's that your loved one was happy with.
Strange that you were standing so long beside the car OP.
I just feel sorry for Mary. SHe has no idea what anyone has said though, so I can't believe you thought of telling her!

garlictwist · 15/07/2023 04:32

Don't report them. It seems so Orwellian. Just forget you heard it and move on.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 15/07/2023 04:32

Amispringy · 14/07/2023 11:25

Don't tell Mary

I would 💯 tell the company. Hell
I might even tell the Care Inspectorate (or your equivalent agency)

Both my parents had care at the end of their lives and if I had heard any comments like this I would have no hesitation

I hope you've done this. If nothing else, the lack of awareness about how inappropriate it was when you pointed it out, and swearing at you. They don't have to do that job. They'd probably get more per hour in a supermarket. So in choosing to be a carer they're choosing to work within those professional standards and to be judged against them.

crazeekat · 15/07/2023 04:50

report it to the company. they have a right to know it's a breach of confidentiality.
and it's fuxking assholes like this that give carers a bad rap at times.
good for u for approaching them and shame on them for their behaviour and unprofessionalism.
it prob won't do anything like get them sacked or that unfortunately as it will
be their word against yours but hopefully the fact that they are pulled up and their true colours have surfaced may be enough to shame them from ever speaking bad like that again about the very folk that keep them in a job.
ignaorant cf's

Missingmyusername · 15/07/2023 04:55

Glad to see you reported it. Shocking behaviour, breach of confidentiality.
Honestly astounded that some posters think it’s okay, pretty sure they wouldn’t feel the same if it were them!

crazeekat · 15/07/2023 05:02

and for those saying it was a private conversation even if it was how fuxking dare they speak derogatory about a service user even if she was covered in shit? that's their job to clean it that's what they get paid to do that's what they agreed to do.

worked in care my entire life now 48 started working in a nursing home at 15, been a registered nurse for 16 years now and i have seen and heard some sights over the years as all carers and nurses have but there is absolutely no excuse for talking about a patient and her condition private or not where the service users can be identified. as is exactly what has happened and any carer who excuse the pun knows their shit knows this is the case and it's terrible and is a
breach of policy of confidentiality. a member of public has heard and identified someeone being spoken to by employees in a derogatory manner. why is this
alright?? yea we all off load but when it's said in a nasty way it crosses the line. always ask your self if this was ur mum dad sister daughter etc what would be ur attitude then?
so much has changed over the years in care but obviously not to everyone unfortunately and i feel sorry for folk like mary who are still being treated like this .

crazeekat · 15/07/2023 05:13

crazeekat · 15/07/2023 04:50

report it to the company. they have a right to know it's a breach of confidentiality.
and it's fuxking assholes like this that give carers a bad rap at times.
good for u for approaching them and shame on them for their behaviour and unprofessionalism.
it prob won't do anything like get them sacked or that unfortunately as it will
be their word against yours but hopefully the fact that they are pulled up and their true colours have surfaced may be enough to shame them from ever speaking bad like that again about the very folk that keep them in a job.
ignaorant cf's

sorry just catching up you alread reported it. good for u, be proud of yourself, vulnerable people need more and more people to protect them and help safeguard them.
thank you for doing this. we need to realise this is not acceptable and that people's lives are not to be treated in utter disrespect. so much poor care and behaviours accepted nowadays and poor wages working conditions not an excuse, if u don't care, don't do a caring job. simples.

Princecharlesfirstwife · 15/07/2023 05:32

My dmum has dementia and is doubly incontinent. It is utterly heartbreaking to see her stripped of pretty much every ounce of dignity she once had. The thought of people thinking it’s appropriate a) to talk about someone in that way and b) to do it in public is quite frankly abhorrent. I don’t care how much you do or don’t get paid. Doesn’t cost anything to be a decent human being.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 15/07/2023 05:41

Why would you be concerned with potential fallout for the employee? It's the same when people don't want to tattle on a bully, ffs. If that person is bold enough to act how they did, not caring who heard the conversation and then defending it, are you certain they are a compassionate carer? Who actually gets a laugh out of the circumstances of the most vulnerable?

I'd report every single detail.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 15/07/2023 05:47

Mumtobabyhavoc · 15/07/2023 05:41

Why would you be concerned with potential fallout for the employee? It's the same when people don't want to tattle on a bully, ffs. If that person is bold enough to act how they did, not caring who heard the conversation and then defending it, are you certain they are a compassionate carer? Who actually gets a laugh out of the circumstances of the most vulnerable?

I'd report every single detail.

I've seen you have reported. 👍

FireflyJar · 15/07/2023 06:01

User5653218 · 14/07/2023 11:20

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

She was very rude to you and the very least she could have done was apologise. I'm angry on Mary's behalf too, having a bitch like that look after her. I would go with reporting it definitely.

ShiteRider · 15/07/2023 07:12

You’re really reaching here. I can name loads of people who I know that level of detail about who I wouldn’t just phone up for a general chat at random.

For those saying could you do the job - yes, I have.

For those saying it’s stress relief - yes this is possible, but stress relief banter doesn’t insult clients and doesn’t happen in a public place.

sunglassesonthetable · 15/07/2023 07:15

*Of course nobody would want to hear their mother discussed in that way. But honestly, would you want your mother to hear every thing you have ever said about her, including things said in anger or frustration and when venting to your siblings or partner? Would you want your partner to hear every single thing you said about him/ her, including discussions with your friends the day after a heated argument when you just need a moan? Would you want your kids to know every single thing you have ever said about them, including at 2am when they just won’t go back to bed or when they just shit all over the new chair or the time they rubbed your new expensive hand cream into the rug? It is normal to sometimes speak in frustration about other people and to need to debrief with people when you are dealing with difficult situations. If you have genuinely never said anything bad about anybody you care about in moments you felt tired or frustrated or overwhelmed you are surely in a minority.

@MolkosTeenageAngst *

I've complained about everything a million times. In Private.

Carer didn't know it was broadcast? Well "Fuck off" doesn't really say "sorry, I didn't realise!" Or any hint of "let's fix this"

So tough, let the agency sort it out.

sunglassesonthetable · 15/07/2023 07:19

The woman didn’t do it loudly with an open window, she did it over the phone to a colleague. How was she to know her colleague had her on speaker phone with the windows down? Do you check before every phone conversation that the other person isn’t in a car on speakerphone because I certainly don’t. The carer probably thought the conversation was private.

And her response to being told everyone could hear.

From the OP , I'm pretty sure " ooops I'll turn it down" might even have done it.

Nope.

If she even gave a shit she managed to cover up well.

unsync · 15/07/2023 07:24

Compassion. It's not hard is it? Better pay and more training is needed in the sector, it might help to weed out the 'carers' who don't care and should be doing something else.