Overheard something quite personal

[User5653218]

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

I think you did the right thing. And I am sure there are many, many carers who do a good job and manage to treat their clients with dignity and respect.

Tell the company, if they are talking like that, they aren't decent carers anyway, part of caring is treating your patients with dignity

Carers are as rare as hens teeth. If she does get sacked she'll walk straight into another job, but at least Mary won't have to see her again.

Absolutely do not tell Mary, or anyone else for that matter.

She was in her car.

I didn’t realise that People could hear me on the hands free in my car until I overheard a conversation someone else was having in their car.

op, I would think very carefully about this. What exactly are you accusing these women of? Some on here are using words like “abuse” which is so unfair to those women. I am not surprised that the agency wasn’t interested. They want to know about real abuse not made up cases. You can’t police what people talk about in their own spaces and you have no idea of the context. For all you know it might be a standing joke between all three of them that she poohed herself again. For all you know they might do that to save her embarrassment. I know my lovely mum and me had a lot of laughs of this sort in her last days - much of it started by her. And. I was very proud of the way I cared for her. I had no idea I had it in me to be that kind and patient. Good caters are hard to find. You say Mary is happy with them. That is all that matters.

if you were talking to a friend and a complete stranger accosted and policed your call how would you react?

Somebody's VERY eager to minimise this, aren't they?

She was in her car.

I didn’t realise that People could hear me on the hands free in my car until I overheard a conversation someone else was having in their car.

*op, I would think very carefully about this. What exactly are you accusing these women of? Some on here are using words like “abuse” which is so unfair to those women. I am not surprised that the agency wasn’t interested. They want to know about real abuse not made up cases. You can’t police what people talk about in their own spaces and you have no idea of the context. For all you know it might be a standing joke between all three of them that she poohed herself again. For all you know they might do that to save her embarrassment. I know my lovely mum and me had a lot of laughs of this sort in her last days - much of it started by her. And. I was very proud of the way I cared for her. I had no idea I had it in me to be that kind and patient. Good caters are hard to find. You say Mary is happy with them. That is all that matters.

if you were talking to a friend and a complete stranger accosted and policed your call how would you react?*

No need for drama or accusations.

Just give the same account as on here. End of.

Cruel is making excuses for a breach of privacy and safeguarding. Wtf is wrong with you that you are so cruel that you think this is ok? Maybe you're the 'carer' in question.

I wasn't 'insinuating' anything, dirty or otherwise. I said straight out you seem very keen to play this down. I can't be more direct than that.

And any jokes you and your mother might have had are irrelevant.

I've worked in the care industry. This is absolutely disgusting, and I definitely think you should report it, including the conversation you had with her. We don't need people like that inflicting their "Care" on people who deserve respect and courtesy.

Breach of confidentiality.
Unprofessional behaviour.
Misconduct (perhaps gross misconduct)

Mary wasn’t there so was not involved in the joke. They were talking about her intimate health and care needs on speaker phone in a public place, using her name.

How you can even think about trying to excuse this is beyond me.

Shocked that people are suggesting not to report it and to get on with your day. Absolutely reported. How would you feel if it was your relative been discussed like that and if I can talk like that about a client how are they actually treating the client?

I gave Mary a call just now on the pretext of checking if I had left my umbrella there earlier. She had a new carer in this evening to get her dinner and get her ready for bed. This new carer said she would be in again in the morning.

Mary is still sharp as a tack so is obviously curious about this sudden change, but she seems happy and safe so that's the main thing. I'm as sure as I can be that she is and was being well cared for, even by the old carer. I don't know if the sweary woman in the car had ever been her carer anyway, it was the other one who was on speakerphone.

Thanks for helping me think everything through today. I should have reported it straight away but I got there in the end.

Least she's got somebody else and she's content , carers change all the time Mary will be OK.

This is the most sensible comment on the thread.

Even I have been accused on this thread and I wasn’t even there. I spent years being a loving career to my mother and people on here think they can throw unwarranted accusations at people they know nothing about. It’s madness. I would love to know how many of them cared/will care for their parents - or any elderly person - when the time comes.

Of course report it

Bigger picture is making the job more of a professional one. Decent pay, holidays, respected in the community....

Way it is now you will get poor quality staff more so than good.

Make a change start a petition, campaign for better rights of care workers just a thought

Tell the company and the local authority. They will be interested and take action.

Even I have been accused on this thread and I wasn’t even there. I spent years being a loving career to my mother and people on here think they can throw unwarranted accusations at people they know nothing about. It’s madness. I would love to know how many of them cared/will care for their parents - or any elderly person - when the time comes.

Seriously you don't have to actually be a caregiver to have an opinion on this.

And to report this situation is that, to report it. The agency can decide. You are being over dramatic.

And frankly I don't think you would have liked to have heard your mother being discussed in this way, on loud speaker, on the street.

Of course nobody would want to hear their mother discussed in that way. But honestly, would you want your mother to hear every thing you have ever said about her, including things said in anger or frustration and when venting to your siblings or partner? Would you want your partner to hear every single thing you said about him/ her, including discussions with your friends the day after a heated argument when you just need a moan? Would you want your kids to know every single thing you have ever said about them, including at 2am when they just won’t go back to bed or when they just shit all over the new chair or the time they rubbed your new expensive hand cream into the rug? It is normal to sometimes speak in frustration about other people and to need to debrief with people when you are dealing with difficult situations. If you have genuinely never said anything bad about anybody you care about in moments you felt tired or frustrated or overwhelmed you are surely in a minority.

Yes, @tunbridgeoutrage tell us something very personal about your mum. Did she shit herself ? Make sure to use her name and where she lives. We’ll all have a laugh. I presume that’s okay with you?

@MolkosTeenageAngst I understand what you're saying, most carers need a bit of light relief, but this woman did it with an open window and loudly, not discreetly. Understandably, caring in the community isn't like turning to your pal who's cleaning Doris next door and saying something in a nursing setting, they do need to call someone to off load. But do it quietly.
I think what irks me more than her joking is her lack of realisation Mary is a person, a member of that community and now thanks to that carer has had some very embarrassing comments made about her that could have been heard by anyone.
I do get needing to debrief, offload, make a joke, but it shouldn't have ever come to Mary being dehumanised.
Your points are very valid and I agree, but I can't stand the idea of someone who's losing dignity through age to be mocked what was essentially in public, with that loud call.

The people saying not to report it became they might get the boot? Fuck off and pull the other one.

I have been a carer. It wasn't as easy to get a job as people make out on here. They wanted to know everything from when I left school to the present day and wouldn't take any holes in my CV. Quite rightly.

Anyway, I shit and pissed myself when I was giving birth. I would be mortified if my midwife was telling her mate about it in the car when people who knew me could overhear. It's not to be discussed. If someone applies for a job giving personal care then they need to be compassionate when people have an accident. There are other jobs they can do if they can't manage not to gossip, I have. If they can't manage to do their job without taking the piss and being a bitch about a poorly old woman then they could get a job washing dishes or cleaning offices or bar work. (all of which I have done in the past). They shouldn't be allowed to "care" for vulnerable people.

Fucking bitches. Hope they and the posters sticking up for them are blessed with the same treatment.

But she wasn’t telling the whole of mumsnet. She was telling a single colleague in private over the phone. It wasn’t her fault the colleague had her on speakerphone with the windows down on a street just down the road from the home of ‘Mary’ and that at the exact moment she said this comment within a wider conversation someone who knows the woman very well walked past and heard it. How could anyone predict that was going to happen? The odds of something like that happening are so slim you wouldn’t even consider that they would actually happen, it’s almost unbelievable so you can’t really blame the carer.

The woman didn’t do it loudly with an open window, she did it over the phone to a colleague. How was she to know her colleague had her on speaker phone with the windows down? Do you check before every phone conversation that the other person isn’t in a car on speakerphone because I certainly don’t. The carer probably thought the conversation was private.