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Original poster

Overheard something quite personal

990 replies

User5653218 · 14/07/2023 11:20

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/07/2023 16:04

Lack of carers to fill vacancies should NOT mean accepting seriously unprofessional behaviour from existing carers!

Imagine if it was your mum or grandma whose incontinence was being discussed in public, with her name - would you be OK with that?

There are many wonderful carers out there - my mum had one, for the last few years of her life, and this woman was amazing - a friend as well as a carer, and she was heartbroken when mum died in Spring this year. It was her who found mum on the floor where she had fallen, and who stayed with her until the paramedics came and took her to hospital where she died. I will be everlastingly grateful to her for all she did for my mum - and I don’t want the reputation of all the brilliant carers like her to be diminished by unacceptable and disrespectful behaviour like that outlined in the OP.

Squellyolwelly · 14/07/2023 16:09

Definitely report to the company, GDPR exists for a reason.

Sausagedogmum · 14/07/2023 16:12

Jongleterre · 14/07/2023 11:32

Could you do their job?

I couldn't.

It's light relief banter between colleagues.

It clearly wasn’t just between colleagues, the OP isn’t a colleague and heard about it, and it certainly isn’t light banter. Would you consider this light banter if it was someone you loved?

OP 100% report this, the workers will be broken confidentiality rules by anyone passing by hearing this, and they were talking about the lady in a degrading manner.
Absolutely disgusting way to speak of anyone who should be treated with respect and dignity.

Psychonabike · 14/07/2023 16:16

Report it to the company.

I get the offloading/black humour/banter thing as a mode of release...but the lack of care over privacy is a problem, as is her reaction when it's pointed out you can hear (no remorse) and the "fuck off".

To have this poor insight into the massive mistake she's made seems like a red flag for bigger problems. When "carers" like this have dehumanised their clients to the point that they don't care what they are saying about them and to whom, there's a reasonable chance there are bigger issues.

So tell the company what happened and allow them to deal with it appropriately.

Tulipvase · 14/07/2023 16:18

I haven’t read it all as it’s too long now but I’d calling My local authority ( adult social care) too as the chances are the company works for them. Mind you, not sure what difference it will make as they are so short of carers.

whynotwhatknot · 14/07/2023 16:20

i would scalate higher-the boss could be their mate or something and has no intention of doing anything

there could be already complaints against this company aswell

Snowpatrolling · 14/07/2023 16:28

I’m a supervisor for a care company; I would be reporting to the agency, and CQC
if any of my staff did that I’d be mortified. I also would be making sure they know you knew exactly who the carer was talking about, I’d also be telling them what she told you to do.
don’t tell the agency you are reporting to CQC
this is disgusting. Poor Mary. :(

Snowpatrolling · 14/07/2023 16:29

Just to edit she has broken data protection and also broken the human rights act, she’s breached the privacy policy of it.

Autoflower · 14/07/2023 16:31

Go as senior as you possibly can with this, and report. Such publicly self-absorbed, mocking contempt for a lady is appalling, and the sniffy, arrogant retorts show this woman to be sub-human scum.

Jadeywithababy · 14/07/2023 16:37

Well done for reporting it OP, that was the right decision - I agree with everything previously said regarding dignity, confidentiality, safeguarding etc. Mary is lucky to have a neighbour who cares enough to advocate for her. Please don’t listen to those people saying to mind your own business - that attitude of looking the other way is how cultures of systemic abuse get started. I’d like to reassure you that Mary won’t go to a care home because of this, it’s much cheaper for the government to fund care in the community than a placement in a care home, and they have a duty to provide the least restrictive option possible while meeting her needs. I’d also like to point out that you’ve actually done the care agency a massive favour by reporting this so they can nip it in the bud because if it had been a family member or Mary herself who overheard they would have been well within their rights to sue for that kind of breach in confidentiality. I do plenty of personal care in my job, and while we may laugh at each other or ourselves when we end up covered in it we would never mock the person themselves for incontinence, that is so cruel and wildly unacceptable.

weetee0102 · 14/07/2023 16:38

I don't think it's banter I think it's incredibly cruel and cold. I would no want any so called cater with this attitude caring for my loved ones and anyone that thinks it is banter needs their head examined.

skyeisthelimit · 14/07/2023 16:39

This was a disgusting breach of her privacy and although the person in car did not make the comment, she broadcast it to the neighbourhood. For confidentiality reasons, any conversation about people in her care should be 100% private, she should not be on speakerphone.

The person who said it was wrong but probably did not know it was being broadcast.

Lemonvalley · 14/07/2023 16:40

I would definitely report her, and believe that any of us who find ourselves a witness to what you witnessed, have a duty to. Mary is a vulnerable person. I do understand some people think this is banter, but her reaction to you overhearing her shows that this goes beyond a bit of banter. She wasn’t the least bit sorry, concerned or sheepish about what you overheard, and in fact she was abusive to you. If that is how she acts towards you, then how must she be towards her vulnerable elderly clients? Cleaning up someone else’s shit isn’t doesn’t give someone the right to speak about someone that way. She needs to get another profession.

DuckyShincracker · 14/07/2023 16:43

This thread made me feel really sad. I'm a carer and I often say to my clients not to apologise for being human. I see my job as making my clients as comfortable as I possibly can. If you've got issues with doing personal care then get another job. It's just part and parcel of care work. That said the company sounds poor and I expect the carers will be treated badly. I'm probably going to have to leave my job which is going to break my heart but the pay is just so awful and the hours are grim. I just can't afford to do it anymore and I'll be much better off working in a supermarket.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 14/07/2023 16:45

I think you did the right thing. I know someone who is in this job, who I would report if it would not be fairly apparent that it was me, and would cause a big problem in my immediate family, who has 'Chief a*se wiper' as her job description on Facebook. She really should give it up and go and work in retail or hospitality, or something, or anything else, if that's how little respect you have for your client group. Angry

PoshPineapple · 14/07/2023 16:56

100% tell their company....

Lemonvalley · 14/07/2023 16:57

@DuckyShincracker thank you for helping the vulnerable among us. The government should pay care workers much better. it’s not fair (for anyone). Whatever you decide to do in your professional life, your kindness has mattered to many.

oakleaffy · 14/07/2023 16:57

Dealing with human poo beyond baby stage is hard.
No one likes doing it-
But it’s part of the job.

They really shouldn’t be discussing it like that in public.
But it’s not a pleasant job, for sure.

SoShallINever · 14/07/2023 17:00

Jongleterre · 14/07/2023 11:32

Could you do their job?

I couldn't.

It's light relief banter between colleagues.

No it's not light relief banter, I work in the NHS and if I heard this from staff that I work with, I would, absolutely take this further.
Acceptance of this level of unprofessionality is why the met Police got into the state it is in.

oakleaffy · 14/07/2023 17:01

As a teenager I had a holiday job at a care home
In the interview I was told “ It’s not glamorous- it’s wiping shitty arses”
That was the manager. 😣

I did work there, the residents were lovely-
But the management was the least nice part of it.

supersop60 · 14/07/2023 17:06

The care worker's reaction was anger and aggression, and this would give been caused by guilt. She knew she shouldn't be talking like that, and lashed out.
Not light relief banter - it's cruelty.

supersop60 · 14/07/2023 17:07

*have (not give)

BalletBob · 14/07/2023 17:08

SophiaElise · 14/07/2023 11:24

Let's say you tell the agency, the carers quit or get sacked, no-one wants the job and Mary has to go into a home. And dies shortly afterwards.

Or... you just get on with your day and life carries on as normal.

What a stupid comment.

OP, "Mary" isn't going to die because you report a carer who is violating a vulnerable person's right to privacy and dignity.

I would report to the agency and to CQC (I think that would be the correct body, but check). This is such a gross abuse of the trust that's placed in carers by the vulnerable people they support.

ScreamingBeans · 14/07/2023 17:10

Report this.

Too many people on this thread accepting this level of empathy and professionalism could find themselves experiencing elder abuse and wish they'd been part of a movement to ensure that respect and pride in your work were so embedded into the caring profession, that the sort of people who abuse elders couldn't get through because they were stopped at the first hurdle.

This situation is the first hurdle. If you le this go, then another then another and then hey, elders are being treated like shit and everyone asks how it can happen.

It happens because this is tolerated. And then something worse and then something worse than that etc. Safeguarding is about ensuring that action is taken at the first sign of abuse, not waiting till there are bruises and broken hips.

BelleStar2023 · 14/07/2023 17:17

Jongleterre · 14/07/2023 11:32

Could you do their job?

I couldn't.

It's light relief banter between colleagues.

Jeez, how low are your standards?

I work in a profession where I deal with confidential information from distressed and very vulnerable people. I wouldn’t dream of doing this because it could be me or my loved ones some day.

Mary needs to find a new career and OP is 100% right to challenge and report this.