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Original poster

Overheard something quite personal

990 replies

User5653218 · 14/07/2023 11:20

I was walking along the road and I could hear someone in a parked car having a chat on a hands free speaker. She had all her windows open and the speaker was really loud.

She was a carer for a care company, logo on the car. I couldn't really make out what the person in the car was saying but the person on the speakerphone could be heard clear as day by anyone nearby. They were obviously discussing the clients they had visited this morning and the speakerphone person said "when I went into Mary at number 14 this morning she had shat herself in her chair again" then they both started laughing.

Mary is not her real name, it is a very distinctive name, so I knew straight away who they were talking about. She's an elderly lady I know quite well. She would be mortified if she knew anyone walking past that car at that time knew that about her. And the car was parked just round the corner from her house so there's a good chance that anyone walking past might work out who they were talking about.

I stopped at the car and said "excuse me, I could hear really clearly what was being said on your speaker, I know the person you are laughing about."

The woman said "oh ffs, we're just having a laugh. Do you fancy wiping old women's bums after they've been sat in their own shit for god knows how long?"

And I said "No I wouldn't, I'm glad you're able to do it, but maybe you could just close your window or not use your speaker, then no-one would hear you"

She said "oh fuck off".

So I left.

Should I report them to their agency? I don't want to get them in trouble, they do do a job many people couldn't, but I know Mary would be devastated if she knew I'd heard that. I'm so angry for her. She's such a lovely lady, she tries so hard to keep her independence and dignity despite all her health problems.

I toyed with telling her, but it would just upset her and I'm not sure how easy it would be for her to find alternative care anyway, there's not much to choose from round our way. And I don't know if she would then be too embarrassed to speak to me. She doesn't have family, if she had a son or daughter I might have spoken to them.

But it makes me so angry that these women were laughing about her and that they will still be doing her personal care. Am I over-reacting? Were they just letting off steam after their early morning shift? It is a tough job, I have no doubt it's not fun to start your day with that. But that is their job and their clients can't help it. I'm sure they don't want to be like this either.

What would you do? I'm thinking I'll tell the agency but not Mary. Or is it enough that I spoke to the person in the car and maybe they'll think about it in future, even if they were rude to me at the time?

I guess I could do a semi-anonymous report where I just say that I overheard some chat in a car and could they please remind their staff to be discreet when having conversations in a public place, rather than give details?

OP posts:
Teentaxidriver · 14/07/2023 15:18

If you don’t speak up, the carer knows that she has got away with it and her behaviour may get worse. Report.

Jellifulfruit · 14/07/2023 15:18

Pleeeeease report. The thought of this woman caring for a family member or friend of mine, breaks me. And this could happen (or could already be happening) right now

ValerieGoldberg · 14/07/2023 15:21

I would report them to the company and give as much description as you can OP. That behaviour is awful and unprofessional. If this ‘carer’ behaves that way in plain sight, imagine what she is like behind closed doors? It’s a breach of gdpr too. She gives all the other lovely carers out there a bad name. It is a low paid job, and it is very difficult and yes you might vent to your colleagues but the way she spoke about ‘Mary’ is just bloody nasty. And then to tell you to F Off instead of acknowledging it, that’s also bloody awful. Definitely don’t tell Mary. She’s already probably mortified enough without feeling like she’s being talked about by those meant to be caring for her

Original poster
User5653218 · 14/07/2023 15:23

I've just been in to see Mary and she said she'd had a phone call to say that one of her carers wouldn't be able to work this evening so her evening visit might be later than usual. So maybe something is happening after all.

We then had a bit of a chat about her care in general and she honestly seems happy. I know her quite well, I think she would tell me if she was worried.

I've followed up my phone call with an email to the local office but I think I'll leave it at that for now.

OP posts:
tattygrl · 14/07/2023 15:24

To the people downplaying this: in care work we are meant to do "the mum test" - would the care you're providing be acceptable to you if it was being provided to your mum (or other close relative/loved one)? If the person in question in this situation was my mum I'd be furious and heartbroken. I'd hope anyone would be.

As stated before, I have personally done personal care work, for people with dementia and learning disabilities. It was a brutally hard job, and me and my colleagues did indeed let off steam by laughing together - but not about our clients!! We cared about them, respected their dignity and wouldn't have enjoyed belittling them. We laughed about having shit on us, or about how intense an experience had been, or something like that. Let's not excuse malpractice just because the job is demanding.

Seenothing · 14/07/2023 15:25

RedRobyn2021 · 14/07/2023 13:03

@BitchBrigade Jeez, that's sad.

Indeed and again gives those who try to do a respectful job a bad name. I’d report way up high as has been said already. It’s the little things in public that you then worry about what it might be like behind closed doors.

Custardslices · 14/07/2023 15:25

The care company will likely tell Mary's family or Mary herself either way she finds out.

I'd leave it be for now. They weren't telling you just another member of staff. You seemed to hear alot just walking by.

Hopefully you confronting them has made them think twice in future.

tattygrl · 14/07/2023 15:26

Custardslices · 14/07/2023 15:25

The care company will likely tell Mary's family or Mary herself either way she finds out.

I'd leave it be for now. They weren't telling you just another member of staff. You seemed to hear alot just walking by.

Hopefully you confronting them has made them think twice in future.

You honestly can hear loads from those car speakerphones. You can even hear them from outside when the car doors and windows are closed!

Mrsjayy · 14/07/2023 15:29

I'm sure the carer is actually fine and Mary probably thinks she's a nice girl but she obviously has no boundaries and thinks it's fine to have a private conversation out in the open ! Its not right is it? Hopefully its lesson learned for those rude disrespectful women.

Mrsjayy · 14/07/2023 15:30

tattygrl · 14/07/2023 15:26

You honestly can hear loads from those car speakerphones. You can even hear them from outside when the car doors and windows are closed!

Show quote history

This,I can hear my husband on the phone when he's in .the drive the handsfeee/speaker phone is so loud.

Cornishclio · 14/07/2023 15:34

I don't think they are in the right job when they have such a lack of empathy and they obviously hate doing personal care anyway from what they said to you. I would struggle too which was why I never applied for a job in the care sector but I would like to think I would not be bantering about such a loss of dignity for your neighbour\friend. Imagine if it was our parents or us at some point in the future. It is not their clients fault the job is underpaid.

Report them and hopefully they will be disciplined enough to make them think twice next time they chat amongst themselves about their clients "accidents".

Lovemusic33 · 14/07/2023 15:34

Haven’t read the whole thread but to those who are saying…”they will just be replaced by another carer” you clearly have no idea what kind of crisis the care system is in. There is a huge shortage of carers, mainly because they get paid minimum wage to work 12 hours a day, often having to work weekends and evenings. It’s not as simple as ‘just employing new carers’.

Yes I would report it to the complaint/agency, chances are they will just get a telling off rather than being sacked. TBH I would be more angry with the way she spoke to you rather than the fact she was discussing a client on speakerphone.

WildUnchartedWaters · 14/07/2023 15:34

This is like the paramedic story for those who are not familiar. He made awful comments about a patient on tiktok for everyone to see then he, and others in his defence, started a narrative about how it was perfectly okay because he has a hard job and others couldnt do it.

Same here. Working in any kind of industry does not mean you can behave however you like.

If you cant hack it without horrible coping mechanisms to other people, quit and do another job.

I assume all the posters saying could you do their job etc would be perfectly alright if I sat in a public place saying horrible things about the needs of their children? Or if it was their mother being discussed?

Report and I hope they get sacked.

Cucucucu · 14/07/2023 15:39

I would report it ! Sorry no excuse for that behaviour and if she has so little respect for her clients can you imagine how she must treat them ?

Illegallyblonder · 14/07/2023 15:40

tell the agency, it's utterly unacceptable. What bitches.

2023recession · 14/07/2023 15:40

krustykittens · 14/07/2023 11:57

That 'carer' showed themselves, in a very short space of time, to have no empathy, no respect, and to be aggressive and verbally abusive. Report them, OP, I hope she loses her job. She really shouldn't be doing it in the first place!

This. You should report with specifics as this woman shouldn’t be caring for vulnerable people. You should also report to the local council who regulate local care services - I think it would be adult social services.

Qilin · 14/07/2023 15:41

Custardslices · 14/07/2023 15:25

The care company will likely tell Mary's family or Mary herself either way she finds out.

I'd leave it be for now. They weren't telling you just another member of staff. You seemed to hear alot just walking by.

Hopefully you confronting them has made them think twice in future.

If you've ever walked by, or been stuck behind, a car where people are using a speakerphone on loud then yes, you can definitely hear a lot! You can often hear much more of what is being said by the person coming out of the speaker than you can by the person speaking in their car.

DemelzaandRoss · 14/07/2023 15:43

Absolutely contact the Agency & possibly local council or QCC too.
There is a phrase, Bad things Happen when Good People do Nothing. These things have to be called out. Thank goodness you have Mary’s back.

Startyabastard · 14/07/2023 15:44

You were right to tell the care company and thereafter he CQC, well done. I'd be furious if that had been my dear Grandma.
I wouldn't tell Mary but I don't thinknyou have anyway.

DandelionBurdockAndGin · 14/07/2023 15:44

Haven’t read the whole thread but to those who are saying…”they will just be replaced by another carer” you clearly have no idea what kind of crisis the care system is in. There is a huge shortage of carers, mainly because they get paid minimum wage to work 12 hours a day, often having to work weekends and evenings. It’s not as simple as ‘just employing new carers’.

Didn't say that would happen I said it what actually happened last month with my own parents complaint - and they were very hesitate to do that - obviously reporting to the company their staff levels may affect how they deal with situation but that on them not the OP.

I think everyone and their dog is fully aware of just how bad the care system is at the moment how poorly paid and how unsociable the hours - but the Op has made the company aware with phone call and e-mail now and that should be enough to get a reminder to staff at very least about behavior in public and confidentiality or however else the company see fit to deal with the situation.

orangeyeahthatsright · 14/07/2023 15:45

Pebblesontheside · 14/07/2023 13:05

What have I just read!! As a former trainer of care staff, reading this has made my blood run cold. Never mind the company, please contact the CQC or your local authority Adult Safeguarding Services about this immediately! This is a gross and appalling breach of this lady’s privacy and dignity, one of the main principles of care. This person should not be allowed anywhere near vulnerable people in their own homes. How do you think she speaks to ‘Mary’ behind closed doors, if this is her attitude?
The carer’s reaction to you challenging her speaks volumes about the training they have received and the attitude of the company as a whole, which is why I’d bypass them altogether and go above them.
Please see this for how serious it really is, a lady towards in the end of her life in a vulnerable position, reliant on this company for care and support, being dehumanised and degraded in the most appalling way. I’m sorry that you had to witness this, but safeguarding is everyone’s business and we all have a duty of care to challenge things like this.

This 1000%.

I think you did the right thing, OP. I also think the indifference on the part of the agency, together with how their carers speak about their clients, speaks volumes.

sadsack78 · 14/07/2023 15:51

Oof.

Tell the company.

We all know caring is a really difficult job and that carers probably deal with some of it with humour to handle the stress. But there is a big difference between saying something to a colleague in private where no one can hear, like a staff room or out on a fag break, and what this woman was doing.

And the fact she so quickly became aggressive and swore at you is a worry. Elderly people who need care can be a handful- if she is this quick to get angry with you, god knows what she's like with vulnerable patients who aren't cooperating. That's a scary thought.

ReadtheReviews · 14/07/2023 15:54

Tell the company. What a bitch. It's scary who gets these type of jobs.

sweetgingercat · 14/07/2023 15:54

Report them. They are horribly disrespectful and dehumanising their client. And that kind of attitude can go to a place that ends up badly

IveHadItUpToHere · 14/07/2023 16:02

I'm glad you reported it OP. Well done Flowers
I doubt they'll lose their jobs. The agency will just remind them to be discreet and not take calls on loudspeaker, etc.
I've worked as a carer and my DSIS manages carers. Probably some of their colleagues already know what they're like and they'll be glad someone external has raised it.