Is this really a thing? (Meeting new baby)

[Nappydirectd]

Expecting my second baby in early September, it’s the first with my husband, we both have a child each from previous relationships.

When his dd was born 10 years ago he took her to meet work colleagues during paternity leave, neighbours (old and new) and friends of friends. As well as of course family and friends. I found this bizarre but took it as an excited dad wanting to show off his baby and moved on.

Now I’m expecting he has told me he promised the same colleagues, neighbours and acquaintances that he will bring our baby to meet them. I was shocked as he isn’t close to these people, rarely sees them, never socially, and hasn’t asked if I’m ok with parading my baby in front of strangers as if it’s a game of pass the parcel. I nodded and smiled in the right places but I know I will need to make my feelings known at some point. He has arranged meet ups and parties days before and after my due date, again without asking me. It’s a shock as he isn’t generally like this and knows I’m struggling with the heat, back pain and swelling currently, so may not be up to meeting strangers at that time.

When I had my son 6 years ago we had a small family bbq to celebrate, friends came to visit and we left it at that. I know everyone does things differently but to me it sounds exhausting and unnecessary. Refusing may cause arguments so I’m not sure how to best handle it.

We have even received gifts from people he once knew, for example an elderly neighbour from his childhood home has knitted an outfit - they hadn’t seen each other or spoken for over 20 years and we have no idea how she knew or where we live, we have a M&P gift card from someone who works for dh company but in another city so they never see each other and only speak on the phone to place orders, and a second cousin he hasn’t seen since childhood offered money towards a cot. Of course I’m grateful and taken aback by the kindness, but it seems very.. odd?

If I come across rude or spoilt I apologise, I’m just shocked that it’s a ‘thing’ as I hadn’t come across it with my DS and I’m not sure how to handle the overwhelming attention. Has anyone else been in this position and find it as strange as I do?

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

What culture is he from? This doesn't sound typically British!
It's nice he wants to show off the baby but I would wait at least until 8week injections for all this passing around.

[Unexpectedlysinglemum]

Better to have an event eg we'll be on this pub on this day that ppl can come and meet baby at rather than him taking baby away from you, or you being dragged to all these places!

[Nappydirectd]

We’re British surprisingly!
I don’t know how I feel about people I’ve never met holding my baby at all, perhaps my hormones are making me over protective but surely a photo and announcement will suffice for those who aren’t close!

[pizzaHeart]

I agree with you - photo is enough. People send presents and cards but they don’t expect a cuddle from newborn, it’s more about their relationship with parents. It seems that your DH is nice and friendly person, excited about being Dad again and his friends, neighbours and colleagues are genuinely happy for him. However your feelings matter too and newborn baby doesn’t need to meet all these people at all.

[Irunoncoffeemascaraandhighheels]

He's being insensitive.

Tell him ASAP it's not happening, you only went along with it because you were blindsided. If you'd had a choice you'd have said no, so you're saying no now.

Especially the thing about parties and meetups around your due date, that sounds hellish. It's not just that you won't be there, you need his support at that time so he won't be there either! He needs to reduce these things to quicker, lower key events and not expect you to attend/let people hold baby.

Some of these events could easily be postponed until you've recovered a bit from birth, baby has had vaccinations, your close friends and family have had a chance to visit, etc. Those are the people you want to give your limited energy to, not his old acquaintances he's not in touch with except when he calls them up to announce an impending new arrival

He sounds like an excited over sharer, which is fine generally - but not when the thing he's sharing is your time, your energy and your baby. He should have discussed all of this with you before arranging anything with anyone at all.

[Irunoncoffeemascaraandhighheels]

Oh and if you don't want everyone and their mum knowing all the gory personal details of the birth, you probably best tell him now. Otherwise you'll have auntie Joan, who's had to ask which one is him because she's forgotten what he looks like, asking you if you've recovered from your stitches yet and commiserating with you for having had so many. Or something equally as hideously embarrassing.

[Raincloudpink]

The excitement is lovely but he's insane to do it in the days after birth. Babies can be brought to meet acquaintances any time in the first 6-8 months.

Are you sure he's not a drama lama who loves the attention? He needs to wise up and realise the bloody, exhausting, draining, shellshocked reality of early weeks with a newborn.

[JenniferBarkley]

Arranging anything close to your due date is madness.

The rest just sounds a little over enthusiastic. Bringing the baby into work is normal here (Ireland), although typically later in maternity leave rather than with a newborn. Neighbours and friends of friends can just meet them as and when surely.

I was blown away by the range of people who sent presents though, including PIL's golf buddies and clients, my childhood neighbours etc.

[Irunoncoffeemascaraandhighheels]

@Raincloudpink

The excitement is lovely but he's insane to do it in the days after birth. Babies can be brought to meet acquaintances any time in the first 6-8 months.

Are you sure he's not a drama lama who loves the attention? He needs to wise up and realise the bloody, exhausting, draining, shellshocked reality of early weeks with a newborn.

Think that's a given. Why else would he be contacting people he's not seen for years about a new baby? It's nothing to do with the baby. These people aren't in his life so they don't need to be in baby's life either. It's all about him having a juicy titbit of gossip to share that gets him some positive attention. I wonder of this, and other me-me-me shite, is why he's no longer with his other child's mother? It hardly screams of him being supportive, unselfish, life-partner material.

[elliejjtiny]

Taking baby into work is normal. Presents from acquaintances, your parents friends etc is normal too, some people love any excuse to browse round baby shops. Meeting lots of people, also normal but mostly people would come to you.

I do find though that this kind of thing usually only happens with a first baby. With subsequent babies people tend to be less interested. I kept all the newborn cards we were given for each dc and dc1 had about 30 and dc5 got less than 10. Not that I'm complaining or anything, just saying that the overwhelming crowds of visitors tend not to happen with subsequent babies. Dc4 and dc5 were cooed over and cuddled by all dc1 and dc2's friends which I think they appreciated more than the cards. One of my fondest memories of dc4 as a newborn is of 7 year old dc1 coming out of school, pulling the head teacher by the hand and telling him he had to meet his new brother .

So you may well find that the overwhelming crowds of visitors etc doesn't actually happen.

[fireflyloo]

Yes I'd say that's normal. My dh took our baby in to meet work colleagues, albeit I met him at the end of the day and he took baby in for 20 minutes.

[Rightsraptor]

I'm puzzled by people talking of the baby 'meeting people'. Newborns don't meet people, they aren't capable of it in any real sense. People might meet the baby, though.

Tell him it's not happening, OP, not till the baby's at least 8 weeks. What is he thinking?

[Nappydirectd]

Thanks everyone I’m glad it’s not just me being sensitive!

A lot of these people have got in touch with him since hearing the baby news, it seems people talk and news travels fast around here! But to ask to hold someone’s newborn when you don’t know the mother and haven’t seen the father for a decade is very strange to me, especially as no one has considered if I would be ok with it. A lot of people have no interest in other peoples’ babies so it’s unusual for me that they’re all so excited for a baby they won’t be involved with.

I’ll have a chat with him tonight after work and encourage him to cancel everything until I’m ‘ready’

[TheHandbag]

I used to stick dd in a sling when going to see my work colleagues so she'd still be seen but not passed around. Could this be a compromise option? It worked for me because dd always slept in a sling so people never asked for cuddle.

[Philosopherstone]

It works well to keep baby in the car seat and let others peak in, my DH brought our baby into work early on and just let them see into car seat which worked really well.

[loislovesstewie]

I must be weird then! I took my youngest into my workplace when he was 4 days old. We registered the birth, popped into Mothercare for some item or other and then into my workplace which was nearby. Some of my colleagues had a cuddle, others just peaked into the pram.

[MissHoollie]

It's normal in my culture... White Scottish .

[IsisoftheWalbrook]

I took mine into work just after we got home from the hospital, but I had a lot of friends there; it was a common thing to do.

[Nappydirectd]

I don’t mean to offend for those who have done it. Taking baby in to meet colleagues who you considered friends is completely normal in my eyes, it’s the sheer amount of people who aren’t part of our life that is the issue for me. I get quite bad ocd with nesting and newborn days so having strangers touch the baby would make me a wreck anyway. Ive seen the photos of stepD being held by these people as a newborn so they’ll definitely want to pass baby around regardless of what I say.

[7eleven]

It’s what feel right to you that matters. As you say, just ask him to dial it down a bit.

I’d try to just shrug off the irritation of the random gifts. My baby granddaughter got sent various knitted outfits from friends of her other Gran. The outfit was popped on, photo taken and sent off to gran to show and pass on thanks. People mean well.

[usedtobeasizeten]

@MissHoollie

It's normal in my culture... White Scottish .

Same here. We don’t really need to ‘know the mother’ to coo over a male colleagues baby!! I worked in a hospital where the maternity unity was…colleagues brought their babies in on the way home!

[MammaTo]

I think it sounds very normal and lovely.

Obviously see how you feel after the birth (mine wiped me out for about 2 weeks and I couldn’t stand up). But once I felt better we went visiting/had visitors over.

I think there’s so much stuff on social media about banning visitors when a baby’s born and all these rules that people think this is a new normal. If you really don’t want visitors and don’t feel comfortable then that’s totally fine, but don’t let social media put you off.

[Pkhsvd]

I know people who have done this but for me the first couple of weeks were about us bonding with our baby and spending time as a little family with only close family members coming to see us. Also what you describe sounds exhausting and in my opinion it’s not great for babies to be passed around like that and it’s only serving the needs of adults.

[Mumtothreegirlies]

If you have an issue with it then just say no.
personally I don’t see any issues with it and think it’s nice that he’s excited about the baby and wants everyone to see it.
my husbands work colleagues throughly spoilt us when I was pregnant with our third child and it was lovely as nobody else could care less.

[SomethingNastyInTheGenePool]

Totally normal, IMO, though not immediately after birth.