Jonah Hill - wtf?!

[Frankola]

I know there's a lot of other scandal going around this week 😬 but has anyone else been watching the Jonah Hill story unfold?

His ex girlfriend, a surfer named Sarah Brady, has come forward with a load of texts and screenshots sent to her by Jonah during their relationship (and afterwards) where he seems to show himself as an absolute narcissistic, emotional abuser. Telling her she wasn't allowed to surf with men, she needed to remove any photos of her in a swimsuit from her socials, and that if she didn't do this she was breaking his 'safe boundaries' and disrespecting him blah blah blah...

Unbelievable!

facepalm

This is a good article about it: https://www.dazeddigital.com/life-culture/article/60312/1/boundaries-problem-with-weaponising-therapy-speak-jonah-hill-screenshots

'Rather than believing that boundary-setting is always legitimate – and if it’s not, then it’s something else entirely – we should consider the context in which it’s taking place and what it is trying to achieve. What we can say with certainty is that it’s unacceptable to control who your partner spends their time with (whether men or “unstable women”); the kind of work that they do and how they choose to present themselves. These attempts at coercion are no more palatable for being rooted in someone’s boundaries, or glossed over with any other form of therapy-speak. It is, of course, important that we respect the limitations people set, whether emotionally or physically – there is never a justification for violating someone’s autonomy. But we do not have to respect “boundaries” as a vague, amorphous concept, a magic wand that men can wave to bend you to their will.'

All those who think this is absolutely fine because he's just "stating his boundaries" are presumably absolutely fine with women being asked to wear a hijab or burqa?

100% agree.

It's also quite clear that there is context behind each of these issues, they've clearly had past conversations about it and who knows what led to this. For all we know she was outwardly flirting with men, sharing overtly sexual modelling shots, excessively drinking/taking drugs with friends etc etc - who knows?! Can't deduce anything from one text message.

Also, with particular context I think the his message could be quite mature and respectful but much more fun to assume he is abusive

I know a narcissistic abuser and they are usually so much more covert then this! It wouldn't even be written in a text. You will not realise until they've driven you to insanity and you are having a breakdown, ruined your reputation by manipulating everything yousay and do. He sounds jealous and maybe setting some boundaries but he also says if it's not right we arent for each other? narcissistic abuser? It wouldn't come out in some text messages and they wouldn't be that direct. You find out the hard one. Even therapists don't like to deal with them, their gaslighting is off the charts.

Are you really equating a couple discussing a change in working pattern so as to suit the relationship better to one person laying down the law, telling the other to change numerous aspects of their personality, job and friendships, and if they don’t, the relationship will be over? You must be able to see the two are not comparable.

I'm talking about this specific man so I don't know how you've come to that conclusion. That's pure conjecture.

I'm either a survivor of 'real' abuse and I've been offended or I'm a survivor of 'real' abuse and thus can never have any clarity on a situation for the rest of my life.

I think you should put the spade down now, tbh.

Lots of women say similar things to their partners.

Don't pretend that they don't.

"You're working too much ,you need to stop and spend more time at home"

"You're not going to the gym and working out with THAT woman"

"You're job isn't good enough, you must get another"

"You're job is too much, you need to find one with better hours"

"You're not going out with the lads on Friday, it's our date night"

"You're not hanging out with that friend, I don't like him"

It's bullshit double standards.

I was considering watching his movie Stutz about his relationship with his therapist and now I am.... reconsidering that.

What on earth are you on about?

Yeah something doesn’t track about hitting on her while she was a bikini model and surfer, and then expecting her to give it all up to be with him. As if she was just trying to land a man with all that and once she got the prize (him) she could stop “degrading” herself with her career…

I’m not so aware of him except as the guy in that Hollywood brat pack with leonardo de caprio and the movies where he’s the butt of the joke or the guy all the “alpha” guys make fun of. I guess that would give you mental health issues so I understand him using therapy speak to be in control.

theres a kind of man we should all be aware of, who sees women in a certain way… she has to be strong/sexy enough to interest him but then bend to his will with total faith and subservience to make sure he feels dominant. Which includes becoming modest and shrinking. I don’t think it’s abusive, but it’s certainly setting up an unhealthy dynamic that a lot of women (and men) are trying to leave back in the 1900s. Beware insecure men. Beware self-styles rescuer men. Beware misogynist men who hide behind clever words. Beware men who defend them.

Sweeping generalisations like this are contradictory to the feminist cause you seem to think you're supporting. Not every woman or woman who experiences a tough time during a break up is a victim. Not every man or woman who says unreasonable things is a misogynist or abusive. There are two sides to a story and somewhere in the middle lies the truth. That goes for men and women.
I bet you haven't even gone and looked at the articles I was referencing. You've reviewed one side of a story and decided its abuse and anyone who disagrees is wrong. What a close-minded and harmful attitude.

Maybe they do, I wouldn't know. I've never said anything like that to any of my partners because I'm not their parent and I'm not in control of them. If others feel like that's an appropriate way to communicate with their partners then I think those relationships probably are also doomed and not exactly something to aspire to.

Jonah Hill is a prime example of trying to make unpalatable and unreasonable requests seem reasonable by using 'therapy language' where he talks about boundary setting and being triggered and his own wellbeing, because how can you argue with someone who is being so reasonable about it all? When in reality he slid into her DMs in response to a pic of her in swimwear that she had posted (that she was then barred from posting if she wanted to remain in a relationship with him).

As that article says:

'His confidence in asserting his own narrative, along with his fluency in the language of therapy and social justice, becomes a mechanism of control like any other – even when his behaviour is blatantly unreasonable and patriarchal in the most obvious, time-honoured ways, it’s easy to find yourself brow-beaten into thinking that you are the guilty party. Maybe you really were disrespecting his boundaries by hanging out with male friends; maybe you really do need to work on yourself and whatever deep-seated pathology he has accused you of having. As he explains, your relationship suffers from a toxic, hurtful and deeply harmful dynamic, where you don’t always do exactly what he wants. Do better.'

I could very much ask you the same question, but I think you're being needlessly combative and I don't actually want to get to the bottom of whatever point it is you think you're making.

I didn't say she was. I was pointing out that we put boundaries in place to protect ourselves from unsafe behaviour from others. Her behaviour was not unsafe to him. Her being a surfer who surfs in no way damages him, so he doesn;t need to place any boundaries around it. Calling his desire for her to stop living her life 'boundaries' is tosser behaviour.

Clearer now?

He met her on twitter when he liked her bikini pictures. You don’t get to get involved with someone then tell her to change everything about herself (that was the reason you asked her out on the first place) and call it ‘having boundaries’. It’s abusive not boundary setting.

Even though he first saw her in bikini pictures on twitter and that’s why he asked her out (knowing she was a pro surfer). Getting involved with a woman and trying to destroy everything you were attracted to (to keep off other men) sounds abusive to me.

You don’t think threatening to break up with her if she doesn’t change everything about herself (all of which he knew before they got together) is abusive?

I’m afraid I don’t agree and the fact he knows how to weaponise therapy speak doesn’t change that view.

Sooo many red flags, hope you're not in a relationship @onefinemess 😬

I saw this and not knowing who he was kept on going.

That aside, yep he is but, he's upfront and honest so noone is under any illusions. Not nice but that's the way it is.

@LivingDeadGirlUK "hey babe, I know you were a pro surfer and swimwear model when I met you. But you've now got to stop because you're my girlfriend" 🤬🤣😂🤣

He is mysoginistic I should have said.

There’s a reason coercive control is a criminal offence. This is classic coercive control. The fact there are multiple people on this thread who think this isn’t abusive is what worries me!

@onefinemess No he did not beat her.

However, if you think that is what abuse is limited to then I would suggest you read about it.

Messages like this form the basis of abuse. Abuse in an escalation over time. Its a psychological cycle actually...these messages are very typical red flag indicators.

Boundaries apply to you. They aren’t a list of incredibly restrictive rules that you apply to someone else. Complying with these rules would have destroyed her career.

Do we really think it’s a coincidence he promptly baby trapped the next beautiful much younger woman he took up with? Much harder for her to leave!