How to respond to this elderly gentleman inviting my 15-year-old son to spend an afternoon with him

[TR888]

This sounds creepy but it isn't. This is a genuinely kind gentleman, aged 80+, who I know in a work capacity. He hasn't met my son yet but has helped find him a work experience opportunity through a contact of his.

He used to own a company when still working and is well known in his field. He suggested complementing my son's work experience with a day out in an industrial museum and then coffee at his place where he can meet his wife. I would then collect him from there.

I have zero concerns regarding any possible untoward intentions in this invitation. I think he's just being kind to me - he's taken a liking to me for some reason (again, not in an inappropriate way).

This can actually be a brilliant opportunity for my son for many reasons. The problem is, he tells me he doesn't feel like "hanging out" with some old man for a whole afternoon. And then it dawned on me that he probably won't know how to make conversation for so long.

The solution is for me to come along, which is also more appropriate. My son would be happy with that. But if I suggest that, I'd be inviting myself to this outing and to his home. How can I phrase it in the right way? He's very, very posh - not that it matters, but between me being foreign and him coming from a very different background, I never know what the expectations are!

Thanks 🙂

That doesn’t need to happen. Just cancel how ever well meaning the elderly man is.

I've known this man for years, by the way, although we only see each other at work-related events perhaps once a year or so. There's quite a bit of email communication too.

If you and your son would want to go then I would say that your son is anxious and would it be OK if you accompany them?

I do wonder though if the man is interested in you but could just be being kind.

Just tell him your son is a bit shy and has asked for you to join them.

I would explain that your son can be a bit shy at first and so would it be okay if you tagged along to facilitate it all? Or say you've really wanted to go to the museum so can you tag along to gain better insight via his brain and wealth of experience? A bit like a guided tour?

Would you go with him?#
If not or if your son is still not interested then I would just explain it as 'you know what kids are like'.

Thanks. I don't think he's interested in me in that way - he talks about his wife very fondly. I just think he's a little bored and likes showing people around and remembering his working life.

Yes, I'll just tell him my son is shy.

I'd say it sounds like a fantastic day, would it be OK for me to join you?

I didnt even read your post properly sorry, yes if you are able to go and your son is up for that, then definitely I dont think the man would consider that odd or inappropriate. You're the mum, so you go along.

My son is interested in going, just not with him alone. He's right, actually. It's a little odd. I'll have to invite myself in that case!

Such odd reactions here! Isn’t it perfectly normal for older people to take an interest in the prospects of young people?

I completely understand that you might have qualms about leaving your 15 year old with a virtual stranger, and would prefer to accompany him. But - given what Keir Starmer had to say yesterday about children’s speaking abilities - you might want to consider offering your son some opportunities to become more confident in conversing with a broad range of people.

When I was a little bit older than your son I met a lovely couple , in their 70s , who took me under their wing at a very difficult time.
They invited me to tea and from there on in we met up regularly for tea at their house.
Many years later I will never forget their kindness , wisdom and the chance they took on mentoring a teenager.
As someone who has , for many years , been involved in training young people , one of the skills they lack can be social skills and how to interact appropriately in different situations outside of their comfort zone.
This is a great opportunity for your son to take himself out of his comfort zone and learn how to make small talk with someone of a different generation. It would be sad not to stretch himself with someone supportive.

Yes! You're so right, but I think my son is not confident enough to spend a couple of hours with someone so much older and from such different background... I'd rather he feels comfortable.

This is the sort of thing my dad would do. He was (is?) an engineer and loves to share his knowledge and passion.

He also used to invite the neighbours kids in to read to him or to help him in the garden. Things that improve everyone's lives a little bit, he got to spend time with young people, the children loved it and the parents got a little break.

Such a shame that even though OP knows this man well, people see it as odd.

When I was 14yo, I went to deliver a Christmas card to my DGM's neighbour and was late back for tea because he'd been plying me with homemade rhubarb wine. It's one of my favourite memories 😆

Maybe this is a good opportunity for your son to learn how to converse with adults. He may not want to hang out with him but this person has gone out of his way to organise something for your son and is offering to extend that opportunity. Your son should be embracing it

You gain confidence by challenging yourself , and realising you can succeed.

It's a wonderful lesson that will pay dividends throughout life , so many people are hampered by thinking they can't do something so they don't try.

I think at 15 I’d push your son. Being able to talk to adults is a vital life skill and it’s too easy to slip through the net and miss out on opportunities if you avoid it.
If he’s really resistant. Really, not just Kevin the teenager, explain he’s shy and accompany him.

I completely agree. I think it's a bit sad. My husband is a bit like that but us always mindful that he absolutely can't do that sort of thing because he's a man and people will think the worst.

I think that this gentleman simply oblivious to the way his invitation might come across. Probably because he's of a generation where men weren't immediately distrusted just for being men.

I was thinking exactly this.

No, my son is no Kevin, he's a lovely boy 🙂. He's just not used to talking to adults who aren't his teachers, or family, or family friends.

Sometimes we draw a line in the sand and MAKE kids do stuff for their own benefit; like cleaning their teethm getting to school on time.

Tell your son that this is one of those times; in adult life we often meet new people who unexpectedly turn out to be really interesting so for his own good he's GONNA DAE IT.

It will help him a lot to get used to it though.

My DN had cancer as a child and had to get used to talking to loads of different medical professionals. He is so capable socially now as a result.

I have a friend who managed a football team. As a result his younger son spent much of his childhood in the pub. That boy is 30 now and a very successful salesman. I've never met someone so comfortable chatting to people.

I feel I let my own DC down somewhat by not engineering situations like this for them.

Hm... You've made some excellent points.

Does his school not offer any activities that build social skills, @TR888?

I recall a million years ago, in my teens, we had to sign up to visit people in an old people’s home once a week. And there were endless Bring & Buy sales where we had to serve on the stalls. Then debating club with other schools.

More recently the young in my family have been sent to other schools to help with Latin, for instance. And there’s a relentless round of famous / successful people arriving to give talks at their school - all of whom the pupils are expected to make intelligent conversation with.

You do need to think ahead - towards interviews and internships, etc. There is a huge competitive advantage for young people in being able to interact confidently with adults they don’t know. It would do no harm to enquire of his school how they’re covering this …

It sounds like a lovely opportunity, and very kind. I agree, your son should go. I would encourage him to go alone, but if needed would invite myself too.