How to respond to this elderly gentleman inviting my 15-year-old son to spend an afternoon with him

[TR888]

This sounds creepy but it isn't. This is a genuinely kind gentleman, aged 80+, who I know in a work capacity. He hasn't met my son yet but has helped find him a work experience opportunity through a contact of his.

He used to own a company when still working and is well known in his field. He suggested complementing my son's work experience with a day out in an industrial museum and then coffee at his place where he can meet his wife. I would then collect him from there.

I have zero concerns regarding any possible untoward intentions in this invitation. I think he's just being kind to me - he's taken a liking to me for some reason (again, not in an inappropriate way).

This can actually be a brilliant opportunity for my son for many reasons. The problem is, he tells me he doesn't feel like "hanging out" with some old man for a whole afternoon. And then it dawned on me that he probably won't know how to make conversation for so long.

The solution is for me to come along, which is also more appropriate. My son would be happy with that. But if I suggest that, I'd be inviting myself to this outing and to his home. How can I phrase it in the right way? He's very, very posh - not that it matters, but between me being foreign and him coming from a very different background, I never know what the expectations are!

Thanks 🙂

He’s happy for OP to come along to, which was the right response from him.

Yes, you’re naive. Do you not understand how grooming works? It can be very subtle over a period of time. It can be out of the blue. It can be both. It is about power and the abuse of it. Intimidation, or a cajoling, or a ‘bonding’ is used to devise a dynamic of obedience. Tactics honed by predators over millennia, tactics you and I have no idea of. That’s why we parents have to be diligent.

Most abuse is perpetrated by ‘trusted’ or ‘trustworthy’ individuals. They cultivate that trust on purpose. Abusers are not all fumbling and dim witted and sloppily overt. Some are but most are sly and calculating.

His thinking may have been to make it easiest on you, to meet at your house or at your work, where’d you’d already be, and so you wouldn’t think you’d have to go pick him up just because he’s elderly.

Your suggestion of meeting at the museum is perfect.

For those who are worrying - my son is a strong 6'4" lad and this gentleman is really quite frail. I have no concerns regarding his intentions but even if I was wrong, he hasn't got a chance!

Very diplomatic and just right. Good example we can all use as a reference for tricky situations.

Do people not read the whole thread before responding ???

My response to @TheOrigRights was just a general caution as parents. I think this is a great opportunity for your son, Op, and I think accompanying him will help it be a successful outing. Sounds very interesting! He may just become a good mentor for your son.

No. That would be a waste of their time. Much more important to give their opinion.

Is that a joke (inheritance etc)?

No. Greed.

What a wonderful opportunity for your son and a thoughtful invitation from the elderly gentleman. Perhaps you can ask the gentleman if can you accompany your son for the first 30 minutes or so until he feels confident enough to be left.

Interesting thread and range of views. Growing up, I was introduced and talked to many of the elderly people my dad worked with, so became accustomed very early on to talking to and getting along with older people. I actually found I preferred many older people as they had more experience and more to say, and they were happy to discuss ideas with me, often things that my same-age friends would have found boring, such as politics. Today, in my 60s, I still have a lot of elderly friends and their experience and guidance is so valuable. Saying that, I'm also drawn to young people, who bring out my protective, maternal side.

Being comfortable conversing with any age is a very useful skill to develop, it encourages you to question your assumptions and, importantly, to listen, really listen, to others.

I hope your boy enjoys meeting this man, OP, and gets something useful from the experience.

Gosh, it’s a really sad inditement of our society that this elderly man has done your son a huge favour by sorting work experience for him and your son “doesn’t fancy” having to have a conversation with the bloke. Also desperately sad that so many think it’s some ruse to get your son on his own. You can see why so many people don’t bother to stick their heads above the parapet to help anyone any more. Hope your son manages to develop some social skills eventually.

I agree with this.

If you're even asking advice on a forum about it, that's your gut instinct speaking to you. Your son, also, is not comfortable in spending a whole afternoon in the company of someone he barely knows. You've said yourself above that you find that somewhat strange. Again, that's your gut talking.

f in doubt, way up the potential consequences of taking this opportunity. What's the worst thing that can happen on both sides?

It's always, always safer to listen to that instinct than to ignore it, OP. I'm quite surprised to see so many posts urging you to do precisely that. In your position, my being there would be a condition of his going. And I can't disagree enough with the PP who suggested children should be 'made' to do something, when they themselves have intimated they are not comfortable with a situation.

What kind of message does that send? For me, it's a hard 'no'.

WAY up? I meant weigh up! I blame the heat ...

Except it's a hard yes from the OP and she and son are meeting o,der gentleman at museum

Which is precisely what I suggested. To meet the gentleman with both she and her son present.

The idea of a neutral space is a very good one, too.

Probably because he's of a generation where men weren't immediately distrusted just for being men.

there are reasons this has happened.

you don’t ‘make’ your son go and hang out with someone he doesn’t know. Why do you get to overrule his boundaries? And I’m sorry, you never know what someone is like, abusers don’t announce themselves as such do they? He’s 15

One of my DS is socially on the shy side. I'd go with him this time and encourage conversation. Then next time (if there is one) he'd be going on his own.

I dont like the unknown so I personally prefer doing something with someone who knows what's what then second time I have the confidence to try myself.

You sound angry - not the OP